I am 23, recently married and my wife, whom I've been with for 6 years before we were married, encouraged me to see a provider to address issues in which I was unable to achieve orgasm through sex with her (though she is able to reach multiple climaxes when we have sex).

I showed up at the incall location of an agency girl and I was completely dumbfounded. She got me erect and put a cover on and we had sex in the missionary position. However, midway through sex, my penis became limp, which is unusual for me. After which point, she asked me if I didn't find her attractive and started to stroke my penis. My penis withdrew into my body and became visibly smaller than I had ever seen it before (my penis, while not erect is very small, yet expands to a larger than average size).

Are there deeper issues than just my desire to have sexual variety?

I'm seeking any and all help here, thank you.

-S

Yes, there certainly are, ConfusionCentral,

Just like you have tapped into the universal male desire for sexual variety, you've also managed to hit the ultimate bugaboo for men - PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

As to combatting this phenomenon...well, it's paradoxical, since you'll need to habituate yourself to staying relaxed enough so you can stay hard enough. Dunno if you spent your teen years masturbating like crazy, but that'll certainly put a monkeywrench into SOME men's real-life sexual situations.

Interesting that your wife sent you to a provider...ever hear about couples sex therapy? Or is she just tired of the situation? If I may add my Therapist Oldtimer's two cents into this, I'd suggest for the both of you to book a session with a real sex therapist who can help you AS A COUPLE. This is of course if you intend to stay with one another for an undetermined amount of years and enjoy each other sexually. If your marriage is in name only and your wife feels that you should continue to see providers for your sexual satisfaction, then I guess case closed. Go on, get laid and eventually you'll get over the anxiety...but also possibly your wife...

Another question is, did you really WANT to see this provider, or did you do it just to honor your wife's request? Maybe it would be different if this idea originated with you rather than someone else.

In any case, performance anxiety is not a doomsday diagnosis and it certainly can be overcome. But it's a sign that the big head rules the small one, and that your biggest sex organ is between your ears. Here's a link for ya:
www.aasect.org. Go there, look for a sex therapist in your area and book an appointment TOGETHER WITH YOUR WIFE.

Maybe there are other issues lurking as well? Getting married at 23, having been with the same girl for 6 years...that doesn't leave much space for a variety of sexual training wheels. Of course I'm biased, I think young folks like yourself should screw around as much as possible until they really, really know what they LIKE, sexually. And that kind of exposure can only happen if you sow a few wild oats, if you get my drift. Same for your wife too, so I'm not being sexist.

So there's something for you to work on/with...good luck!
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 4/5/2008 1:21:56 AM

Thank you for the quick reply! I had no idea how fast my browser could refresh until just a few moments ago...

To answer some of the questions raised:

1. Yes, I did masturbate like crazy in my teenage years, especially in the time that I was with my wife when we were dating (it was a long distance relationship and I was very determined to stay loyal).

2. The provider I chose was somewhat out of frustration ( I had been canceled on at the last minute by multiple providers and simply chose this Agency girl because of dependability ).

3. My wife and I are very much in love and would like to stay that way indefinitely. She sent me to the provider as a way to help me, out of love, and I appreciate every bit of her desire to help me.

4. It was always my 'plan' to be sexually raucus until my mid 20s. However, I met her and the rest is history =). I'm not unhappy with my choice to marry her, it came after a long an arduous road of contemplation and mental self-assurance. I simply want to enjoy my own sexuality.

If you don't mind me asking... what does a sex therapist do?

Good!
A sex therapist helps the couple with any type of sexual problem..in this case, performance anxiety, delayed ejaculation, anorgasmia, etc. They are used to this type of situation and have a zillion remedies, exercises for you and your wife to do together, etc. You both visit with such a person (usually a female therapist) for a few times and then you can work on the issue yourselves. She's there to give you the tools, the rest is up to you.

One resolution you can make is not to masturbate for the next 45 days (if you haven't already quit.) Don't touch the penis, except for peeing. Only your wife gets to play with it. Let her play penis puppet, suck it, hide the salami, do all kinds of fun things...but you don't go there. And then try to relax while she's doing it to you.

You may try this..if it doesn't work, call the sex therapist and get a few sessions.

Happy trails,
the Love Goddess

regarding the early years of frequent masturbation creating problems down the road.

If I may say so myself, I started early and continued often (two to three times a day for a streak of years), and even continue to this day.

I do abstain at least three to four days before I know I have a date, but other than that I thought masturbation was on the whole, a healthy thing to do.

Should I be concerned or have I shown myself to be beyond that?

Dear mrfisher,
Masturbation is extremely healthy. The problem is that SOME people establish a psychosexual pattern in which they can't easily have intercourse with live females, because their brains are so habituated to masturbating while watching porn or certain images. Oftentimes, it takes a period of abstaining from masturbation for them to "reset" their "erometer" so to speak.

For the vast majority, however, masturbation poses little or no threat to behavior in bed [or elsewhere, LOL] with a human female.

Have a good whackoff,
the Love Goddess

With the physical symptoms, I would also advise him to get a blood test for testosterone.

Although  frequent ejaculations does not seem to be depress testosterone, there could be other medical conditions that could result in low testosterone. These can strike at any age.

Sometime performance anxiety is tied to decreased libido.

My masturbation fantasies are almost always of being with my favorite providers, so I guess that habituates me toward having better performances with them.

I find that I'm more prone to want to masturbate in the twenty-four hours following a date and the twenty-four hours preceeding a date.

I have what seems to be a case of permanent performance anxiety in my 30 years of sexual activity. I masturbated every couple days until I began to have sex with my wife and age 26. My anxiety still exists with my wife and is much worse with providers. I'm probably too old to change, but I want to warn you not to let this kind of thing go, like I did because I was embarrased and ashamed. My mission is to try to prevent anyone from becoming like me!

Have your doctor test for "Free Testosterone".  The total testosterone number may be misleading.  Free means the testosterone that is available for your body to use.  My total was totally fine, my free was almost nonexistant.

That's my best guess at a technique that would work as well.  Set aside a period of time, stop masturbating, and concentrate on just relaxing and enjoying the things you want to make you orgasm in the future.  

I'm also linking to an article I like with a slightly different variation on this technique.