This is the situation that I find myself in, which has some recurring themes.  I am not very active in the hobby.  I partake in it about once a year, over the past 2 to 3 years.  I read the board and reviews often, and enjoy living vicariously through many of you.  But as for my experiences, I usually wait until the urge gets me while on a biz trip and wind up calling a reputable agency, which I can hopefully look at some reviews.  I have had mixed results,  although last year was very good.  But then I get buyers remorse and start worrying about health issues.  I usually have a battery of medical tests done over the following months, and of course they are all clean.  I actually asked the lady last year, and she told me not to worry, you're dealing with a high class agency here, don't overthink it.  I guess it stems from guilt as to why I go down this route when I have a family at home.  

Well the stress levels are high now and the urge is there, so this year I figure I will do some advance planning,  rather than deal with an agency, especially with all the negative news about them.  I contacted a highly rated lady and made some inquiries.  I even contacted some of her reviewers to ask about disease concerns, and all comment came back with glowing reviews. But as the trip approaches,  there is that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach again.  I am still doing some trip planning, so I have not confirmed anything with the provider.  I am almost surprised that our schedules matched, and was probably hoping that they would not.  So the guilt has returned and the fear that I will freak over health issues again.  But I am also balancing a deep urge to meet her.  

So I am not sure what my question is in this post.  Maybe what you would do, but also how to interpret these conflicting feelings.  You are all awesome, and thanks in advance for any responses.

Hmmm, alwaysconfused,

Now that we've got the ATF situation under control on The Erotic Highway, the health risk question is rapidly becoming the problem du jour.

I keep yammering away about personal risk assessment, taking responsibility, weighing the ecstatic with the potentially dismal, etc. And still, these issues keep cropping up. I'm beginning to believe it's part of the philosophical human dilemma for so many..that indecision, that fear, that guilt. And maybe it's a good thing, what do I know? I've got the morals of a peanut. All I ask is that people stay away from animals and children...the rest is perfectly acceptable in my book. Sigh. I'm an amoral therapist...and here you are, asking a perfectly "moral" question.

I'm also not entirely sure about your post. What are you worried about? HIV? Syphilis? Gonorrhea? Chlamydia? Herpes? If you do everything covered, including using a dental dam for DATY, the risks are fairly slim. And what are you feeling guilty over? Hobbying? OK, fine, get a divorce, toss your family over a cliff, and then you won't have them to worry about, LOL. In all seriousness, however, no one, not even moi, can tell you what to do on these issues. YOU MUST DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. That is paramount, my friend, way more important than the actual deed. Making decisions, standing by them and living by the consequences, whatever they may be - that's living an authentic life. Accept no less.

As to how to interpret these conflicting feelings, I think you've done an excellent job of looking inward and tapping your true self. So, in this case, just keep going. If the feelings of fear and guilt become overwhelming, cancel the provider. No good will come out of being nervous and filled with anxiety, unless that's your thing, of course. Some people operate better under pressure...even in bed .

As to contacting others about someone's potential disease factor, now that's something I wouldn't necessarily do. Unless a person is under supervision 24/7, all you're operating on are past statistics. Of course, that's better than nothing...but in your case, apparently that didn't help. You've still got that pit in your stomach.

One piece of advice I can give you is not to make your hobbying experience full of such build-up. You could pick someone not so high profile, maybe just a FBSM lady without the intimidating cachet. Maybe just a nice girl next door who doesn't have that many reviews but is just that? A nice girl who likes to have some fun? Someone closer to home? Not so high-flyin'? Cheaper but still rockin'? Can you feel the tension leaving your body? [insert spacy theremin-music here]

What I am trying to say is that the more this becomes such a build-up, the more anxiety it causes. Honestly, I believe that the happiest hobbyists are the quickie lunch bunch. Of course, they rarely visit this board [heck, they're busy getting their wicks dipped so they can go home at night and be normal with the wifey], but man, those guys are pretty rare in the conflict department. They treat the providers nicely and fairly, but they don't make a little extra nookie on the side their life's dilemma. They just wanna fuck with regular frequency and that's it. As to guilt feelings, well, that all depends. If a wife won't have sex for weeks/months on end, or plain refuses to enjoy herself...what's a guy to do? As to the rest of "the family," unless they're involved in your sex life, I wouldn't include them in your guilt feelings just yet. The day you give away the milk money to a provider, or fritter away your vacation pay, that's when I'd start worrying about the kids.

My whole point with all this is that in order to hobby happily, you need to be a great rationalizer in the guilt department, not too much of a moralist when it comes to "family values", and somewhat of a risk taker when it comes to having sex with strangers. Granted, you can titrate the risk - no full service, everything covered, etc., but the feeling that you are doing something wrong needs to go away. Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend this sport at all.

Just my 2 depraved cents,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 4/17/2008 10:14:53 PM

And I for one, would take your morals out on a night on the town anytime.  

But on to business here.

I think I can relate to this gentlemen.  It's the old:  "unstoppable force meets immovable wall, or hammer into anvil" problem.

I suffered from these same pangs for years before finally succumbing to this side, and boy am I ever glad I did.

What you need, fine sir, is a mantra to settle your nerves.  Something that you can repeat to yourself over and over until you become one with the object of your desire.

It doesn't have to be long or in Chinese, just something germaine and to the point.

Mine?:  "Long time dead"

That was the ticket for me.

-- Modified on 11/14/2008 4:43:48 PM

I am on the other end, but I do not in any way suffer from guilt in this biz. I see it as Me who my family and friends know and the Me Nicole that you all know. It's seperate. Maybe because its more comfortable I don't know but to me it is seperate. And I don't see why you can't see it that way as well. What you do here on a Date with a provider, is not involved in the rest of your life. It's like you can just take that part of you, fold it up and stick it in your back pocket til you are ready to come out n play again, then you dig it back out.


Oh I'd suggest you remove it from your pants b4 your wife checks your pockets when she does the wash though...lol.. just kiddin..

good luck, and try not to overthink it.

So much support and help here, thank you.  Of course we all can be accused of calling the kettle back.  A revelation hit me.  I can do something for myself, that I want to explore, which has been missing from my life.  I can try and check some things off before I die, and this is not bad.  It is not disrespectful, and can actually make me a better person (I get awfully cranky w/o sex, even after just a few weeks).  I guess the leap for me is that this is not because I do not love my family.  Thats a leap for me.  I hope I am getting it right.

ac,
"I can do something for myself, that I want to explore, which has been missing from my life."  Yes, exactly.  I could has written that.
skb

I'm a newbie (two months) at this hobby and the only reason I'm interjecting in this post is it strikes a cord with me!  I getting up there in age and have realized that there is a lot more that I want to experience in my life than I have - I've decided to be "selfish" but not "guilty".  I have anxiety over STDs, my SO finding out, and everything else but would much rather live life to the fullest.  Scares me but I know its right for me: don't want to be one of those that goes out "in quiet desperation".  

My view is YOU have to do what intuitively is right for you: unfortunately, figuring that out can be difficult.  Good luck!