Dear LG,

How would you define "Sex Addiction"?  What differentiates a person who has a healthy sex drive and thinks about sex often from a true addict?  I've heard the term used before but I've never fully understood what behavior a person would exhibit that would quantify him/her as a "sex addict".

You see, I have this friend.......ha ha ha.

No seriously, I was just curious.  Thank you.

-- Modified on 7/8/2008 10:39:50 AM

Dear dingaling2000,

The concept of sex addiction is disputed, absent in the DSM-IV as a reimbursable insurance-verified mental disorder and definitely in the eyes of the beholder. You can find some criteria at the link below. Why not test yourself and see if it fits. And then it's up to YOU to decide if you're a "sex addict" or not.

My personal opinion is that people have all sorts of depressions and anxieties that can translate in obsessive behaviors. But I refuse to call the behavior "addiction to sex." I require a much more specific categorization for this. To me, as a sex-positive clinician, a preoccupation with certain activities that encompass sexual expression are obsessions that have been established to replace something missing in the individual's life.

Also, what really is "a healthy sex drive?" Who has quantified this? This also is in the eyes of the beholder. You could be 75 years old, horny as hell, able to pay and going to escorts every day to get your wick dipped. Is your drive "healthy" or "unhealthy?" You could be a 25 year old chick, horny as hell, trying to fuck as many guys as possible. Does that make you a sex addict?

One way of conceptualizing all this is asking yourself if you are enjoying whatever it is you're doing. If you have feelings of dissatisfaction after boning a bunch of people, or after 3 hours of jacking off daily in front of a computer screen, then yes, there is a problem. Does it make you an addict? No, it makes you into someone with a compulsive behavior. Should you change the behavior? Only if it causes you mental or physical distress. The danger is that we all of a sudden label people with specific sexual patterns "sex addicts" and stigmatize them.

This is a very debatable issue and there will be many people out there who regard us sex-positive clinicians as dangerous and ill-informed. Your best bet is to ask yourself if you truly derive satisfaction from whatever it is you're doing. If you do, then enjoy it. If you don't, then regroup and do something else. If you can't seem to get into gear when it comes to changing your patterns, then get psychotherapeutic help. But getting into a "sex-addict program" where any form of sexual expression is restricted for quite some time seems very insane to me. Even those who have been diagnosed with bulimia must eat. Abstinence is NOT healthy under any circumstance, unless the person is seriously asexual and feels no desire to have sex. And even then, it's odd, since humans were made to have sex, period.

But yes, check out the Sexual Recovery Institute. I use it as a deterrent with my clients. It works great, LOL. I laughingly tell them, "if you don't cooperate, we'll take you to The Institute, where they'll guilt and shame you for even thinking one sexual thought."

Hot topic for sure,
the Love Goddess

I know you'll get a great and professional answer from LG.

Here is my experience in addiction in other areas as well as things I guard in my hobby behavior.

Present in all addictions is obsession and compulsive behavior that leads to a downhill spiral.  You act progressively more compulsively as time goes by until you are taking risks that a thinking person would not.

In the hobby, these are the behaviors I watch for as signs of 'crossing the line'- basically all behaviors that you would reject if you thought about it and were in control of your hobbying:

Spending more than you planned on spending or should spend.

Promising yourself a certain number of indulgences and exceeding it.

Engaging in risky hobbying behavior- streetwalkers, CL ladies with no history or reviews, risky sex- either unprotected or public etc.

Putting your privacy at greater than average risk, ie behaviors that risk you getting caught at home or work.

Finally- where there is smoke there may be fire.  If you are truly wondering about 'your friend' and are truly examining yourself, there may be good reason!



-- Modified on 7/8/2008 3:36:07 PM

-- Modified on 7/8/2008 9:56:19 PM

If you can't afford it, it's an addiction.

Sort of like what Dennis Hopper said  in
The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down:

Poor people are crazy, rich people are eccentric.

With all due respect Fish, I think that's an overly - simplified perspective on addiction.  

Not being able to afford something you enjoy is quite a distinction from not being able to control yourself or think rationally about engaging in certain activities.  

I love going to St. Barth's, but I can't afford to go every week.  Affordability and self-control are two vastly different things.  I think Ohmygod makes a great point regarding behavior that a rational person would perceive as dangerous and risky, and that doesn't always involve whether you can afford something or not.

-- Modified on 7/8/2008 1:44:49 PM

LG has accurately hit on the subjectivity of the term "addiction," particularly in relationship to sex. And, the fact that often, there are those who are too quick to label someone as an addict. On the other hand, when someone is demonstrating addictive behavior, it impacts upon the people s/he is in relationship with long before s/he is aware of the problem, hence the rationale for an exercise called the intervention. The purpose of the intervention is not to make the person feel guilty, but rather for him/her to be confronted by how his/her behavior is impacting the most important people in his/her life. A person can participate for a long time in an addiction, and long before his/her body and mind give out, their relationships are destroyed, employment can't be maintained, and self-care hits bottom. Then there remains very little that is subjective about it. This can be a long slow decline to the bottom, and all one can hope for is to be surround by people who care enough to let you know which way your heading all along the way.

Money does make the world go round.

I often wonder if I'll someday hobby myself right into the gutter.

Oh well, I'll go out with a smile on my face if I do.

So I took the assessment twice, first time I answered one question yes and was told I should be worried about being an addict, second time I didn't answer any questions and got the same general warning that I might be an addict and should talk to someone about my proclivities - maybe you fail the test just by taking the test.

MH50

sex addict is not a label anyone would wish to claim, if they understood the suffering and turmoil that goes along with it. a sex addict is not a person who just loves sex, thinks about sex all the time and/or wants to have tons of sex. for a sex addict, the sex itself is just a tool to fill a void, an empty place within, and while they may experience a temporary "high" getting them through to the next day or next hour, the pain and emptiness always comes right back, stronger and deeper than ever.

now of course i'm no medical professional or expert on the subject, but i am a recovering sex addict. when i was in the grips of the disease, i was extremely depressed and had no self-esteem whatsoever. i craved sex for the distraction it provided and the temporary feeling of worth it gave me, but the sex was certainly never enjoyable. just as a crack addict doesn't "enjoy" hitting that pipe and the inevitable crash and burn that will come afterwards.

thank your lucky stars that you are not a sex addict.

Re: Sex Addiction Uh Oh

Dear RobbinYoung,

My answer to your dilemma is this one: if you TRULY enjoy yourself, forget about the money and - in the words of the Spinal Tap rockers - HAVE A GOOD TIME. Because believe me, there will come that day when you won't want to have so much sex anymore. And then you can look back on your lusty life with gladness in your heart and say that you did it YOUR way...for the thrill of it. You see, the reason why it's so much fun is because you don't think of the money in the moment - you think only of your pleasure. That is the mark of a real hedonist. I am so happy for you, really. It almost brings tears to my eyes. A really Happy Hooker, blessed be Xaviera.

And just one more detail: you ARE in the real world, most definitely. Everything you do is real. And if that means having lots of sex "off the clock," so be it. Remember that 43% of all Americans, a majority of them females, have sexual dysfunction. You are one helluva fortunate cookie. Count your blessings and enjoy the ride while it lasts.

A tiny tinge of envy and lots of nostalgia,
the Love Goddess

but watch out, they ask questions such as "have you practiced 'sadomasochistic' sex.." I guess the entire world of BDSM practitioners are at risk!

Egads,
the Love Goddess

the term "sadomasochistic sex."  Sadomasochistic activities may or may not include any traditional notion of "sex" and are, as I understand it, more centered around power surrender and power exchange.  If an orgasm or other type of sexual activity is involved, my understanding is that it is purely coincidental.  Am I wrong?

hi Robbin...just from your positive attitude about sex, and your admission that you simply love sex, i would think it'd be safe to say that you are not a sex addict. there are tests/quizzes like the one LG has provided, questions a therapist may ask, etc., but some would break it down to:

does sex (whether thoughts of it or the act itself) have a negative effect on your daily life, interfering with job, friends, family, normal functioning, etc.?

do you turn to sex when you are depressed, anxious, or otherwise feel unable to cope with your life?

are you left feeling empty after the "high" from sex has worn off?

if you can answer no to these questions, then you are not an addict, but simply a very lucky girl with a healthy and active sexual drive and interest.

I have made jokes about my still over active sex life at my advanced age, but in all seriousness: an addiction is one that results in behavior that interferes with your life or drives you in such a way that causes unhappiness rather than happiness. I gamble occasionally.  I like craps and occasionally black jack.  I set aside the amount of money I am willing to throw away and if I either lose that amount or double it, I quit.  No problem.  I love the ladies I meet and my current and past special friends I have.  I am very careful, never spend money I don't have, and never let any of it interfere with my work or life.  Clearly, there is a risk, but I am not possessed.  If this or any other pleasure was interfering with my work or life or began to feel like satisfying an itch rather than providing active enjoyment, I would quit as I quit smoking forty years ago.

Re: Sex Addiction Uh Oh

Oh Love Goddess
You are so right on the nose!  No wonder why I love sex so much especially in my forties.  I like to keep on going like Energizer Bunny, is someone knows how to handle me.....hehehe.

You are great!

Missy

Robin - its clear by your bouncy and fun attitude (with a little review of your pictures thrown in) that you dont realize just how serious your situation may be! Your life - indeed the freedom of the very nation - is in terrible peril!  The situation is dire - but fortunately its not too late...

Through a series of intensive, guided private sessions I think there may yet be hope for a positive outcome.  Sure, it will take a little sweat and hard work on both our parts - but I'm willing to donate my resources, roll-up my sleeves and jump in full-on focused on an outcome that leaves both of us smiling, content, and knowing that the world has a bright and positive future!

Now lay back on the leather couch and relax...

Call me when you are ready to begin?


 -- Deep 'Not a Licensed Therapist' Heat