I've been currently seeing a provider for about a year now, and it's evolved into something more like dating. I'm still paying for her time, although we have basically come to an agreement about a weekly dollar amount that, based upon the time we spend together, is significantly below what she would normally charge.
When I say it's been like dating, I'm primarily talking about the way I feel towards her, and the way in which we spend time together. We have traveled together, I've met her friends, I've stayed at her place many times, etc. I don't schedule appointments with her, but see her when we're both available.
And I'm in love with her. One can argue otherwise, but I can honestly say that I love her. I know she cares for me, based upon both her actions and words towards me.
In spending so much time with her, it's been impossible to ignore the fact that she is seeing other clients. We don't talk about it directly, but it's obvious.
I've tried to be as open and accepting as possible about this. I am in another relationship right now, so I am not exclusively available to her and cannot demand anything from her at this point. So I find myself in an odd middle ground--neither one of us committed to each other and trying to figure out if we work together on a different level.
I've found myself becoming increasingly bothered by the fact that she sees other clients. I guess I am too prudish, but it drives me crazy.
In some ways, I think it's interesting that things moved to this point, and that it bothers me that I'm in this situation. Others in my situation might enjoy the fact that I've found a provider that I really connect with, both sexually and personally. I hobbied for many years seeing new girls all the time, and there is absolutely no comparison, on any level.
So, I guess my question is focused on this issue of dating while actively providing. I'm sure working providers often date to some degree, or at least as much as working will provide. I'm sure many are married or in relationships.
How does a provider segregate their relationships in this way? What kinds of ways do they use to deal with dating someone? How have other clients dealt with this?
Um...It's not really something for a client to deal with. This is something that an SO would have to deal with. It sounds like you are having a great time with a great lady but you are still paying. You are still a client. Have you two talked about this? It sounds like you care for each other but maybe not both in exactly the same way. There is only one way to find out....
especially because you say that her work drives you crazy.
If this was truly love, then you would not mind it. After all, it's not like you found out about this after you started going out together, is it?
If you were able to just enjoy your time together without any baggage being attached, then you would be happy and wouldn't have to write here, but since it bothers you so much, then it's time to part.
We have this question come up about once a week. Some day, a well-meaning provider will write the "boundary manual" for all hobbyists to follow. Until then, we get into the same pickle over and over again. So here goes:
"How does a provider segregate their relationships in this way?"
By compartmentalizing. It is part of a provider's job to do so. And, as long as you are paying for her time and she's seeing other clients, that's what you are too - a paying client. You may be a swell guy, but ultimately, as long as the Franklins keep being passed forward, you're a source of income to her - even if she cares a great deal about you.
"What kinds of ways do they use to deal with dating someone?"
Wily ways? Covert ways? Sweet ways? I think there are as many approaches as there are providers. Again, it's back to the paying situation. When you are "off the clock" permanently, that's when I'd say there are emotions in it that can't be bought for money. And of course, many providers date off the clock or get married - but IN GENERAL [and that's in capitals,] it's not with a client.
"How have other clients dealt with this?"
Well, our board is sometimes like the Boulevard of Broken Provider Dreams - strewn with broken hearts, disappointments, anger, and disillusionment....but also mature insight, hope for the future and wisdom in a lesson learned. Some clients hang on to shreds of hope for a long time; others have that flash of realization and terminate before they completely decompensate [or spontaneously combust, just like in "Spinal Tap, LOL.] What this means is simply this: as a client in love, you don't make the rules, your ATF does. Unless you decide to terminate the relationship, of course. But that's a moot point, no?
Here's what my take is on this: You state that "I am in another relationship right now, so I am not exclusively available to her and cannot demand anything from her at this point." Hence, you cannot demand that she terminates her job, unless you're willing to support her. So either you're in purgatory until you can't stand it anymore, or you'll break free. Or, you'll have a conversation with her regarding the above and spill the beans. See what she says, and act accordingly.
That's the best yer gonna get from this cynic,, the Love Goddess
Thanks for all of the comments. (By the way, I am aware this seems to be a very common topic, and many of the other threads have been great).
I have discussed this situation with her, probably too much. She knows I care for her, but that I can't break off my other relationship right now. I've told her I realize I can't ask her to stop working, but that it bothers me. She would prefer that I was free to date her. So we've agreed to keep seeing each other 'as is', and see how it goes.
So we're in purgatory, as LG put it. I often think it would be easier to break it off, but I am enjoying it way too much to do so. The ambiguity of the situation is uncomfortable to me, but it's reality. I've learned a ton about myself through this situation, and I've had to grow a lot in the process.
Dear nmach, I am a companion and I find myself in a similar situation. After a beautiful weekend with my SO, coming back to work is a challenge. First, I spend an entire day by myself, cooking for the week, cleaning my apt, going to the gym, grocery shopping, overall just looking after myself. Then on day two, I start scheduling appointments for the week because I know I have bills to pay. On day three, four and five, I am seeing clients. My clients are now "just clients"...they pay me for a service, and I provide...On days six and seven, I am with you where I have longed to be all week. Even more so now because I have spent time with 3 other men that do not touch my body and soul the way you do. But...I know if we spent this much time together (a full week), it would wear both of us out and get routine very quickly. At the end of the day (or week) it's just a job like any other... Please don't think that the challenge is only yours. Learning to love others while loving another is the greatest challenge in life.
Thanks for this post. I try to respect her situation with me, which I'm sure isn't that easy, either. I'm also now more keenly aware that being a client initially doesn't make me a very attractive potential mate, because of all it implies.
Dear Nmach, I think your current status as "already taken" is more of a barrier than how the two of you met. Enjoy the mutual feelings as much as you can, but until you begin to untangle yourself from your already existing relationship, I feel it is a bit unrealistic that she would be willing to change her job status...Plus, its just not that easy to go from making extremely nice $$$ to making 1/2 to a 1/4 of that, working 40+ hours a week for someone else; as I am sure you are well aware.
In my personal situation, my lover is working towards a divorce and I am gravitating towards graduate school, but who knows how either of these plans will turn out. It is a process, things generally don't happen overnight. Also, you say that the two of you have been seeing one another for about a year. I think it takes a LONG TIME to build trust with each other. Trust issues with men, I am sure, is one of the reasons I decided to become a companion. I have noticed that by staying a companion, not feeling trapped, making my own $$$, keeping my own apartment, and having the freedom to move closer or apart in this relationship; it has been a gradual building of intimacy and trust.
To be honest, I'm not sure I will ever be able to give up the excitement and $$$ completely, but he may never give up "hobbying" completely. I guess if our trysts have the barrier of $$$ between them, I'm thinking I might have found a workable compromise in order to have a LTR.
For me, there is more of a lack of trust in dating in the "civie" world than in the "escort" world. I know we ladies aren't suppose to be here to "date", and I never had the intention of hooking up with someone I met through this lifestyle, but as we all know, shit happens...
Polyamory, because of the supposed "honesty" has been of interest since my early twenties, but being a woman, I just can't see the benefit for myself "giving it up" to more than one person just for the pleasure of sex and a deep emotional bond with more than one person doesn't seem possible for me.
During sex with those I am not in love with, my partner gets off, but I don't...that's where the $$$ comes in. It seems like a fair exchange, it heightens my sexual appetite, and it balances the scales between my primary partner and myself...this way, if he strays, I have too and I don't think my heart will be as broken as if I had resigned myself completely to a monogamous relationship. I think we should all be free to get our needs met...for men, that might mean variety. For women, it might be financial or a sense of excitement. No two people should be everything to one another and extracurricular activities can take pressure off the woman to fulfill her man's every desire (which I think is impossible) and it could take the pressure off the man to fulfill a woman's every financial want. Does this make any sense to anyone else, because at times, it sure confuses the hell out of me! Sorry to get side tracked...I guess I have alot on my mind this morning! Anyhow, thanks for your post. It has allowed me to realize that love between hobbyist and provider is all too common if the ground is fertile... I wish the both of you the best of luck!
I notice there is an interesting paradox in your situation. You say it bothers you she's seeing clients, but at the same time you say you're in a relationship which you just can't break off right now?! Do you see what I'm pointing at? I say this in the most respectful manner - but kinda sounds like "the pot calling the kettle black". Did you ever consider your civvy relationship just might bother her??? Think about it.
I think it's hard for hobbyists to believe the notion that for the ladies, providing is a means to an end - most likely supporting themselves. Yes, they may enjoy themselves with some clients, but with others - it's *work* - just like when you or I have to "roll up our sleeves" to get something done.
So aside from the good advise of LG, MrFisher, and others - I would say this: you have to ask yourself whether or not you can live with the situation you're in. I suggest you not "go there" when you start thinking about your love object providing for clients other than yourself. It can quickly become a OCD-like affliction.
If you cannot create the emotional compartmentalization required, then you may end up, most likely, in a dazzling, self-perpetuating and circular cluster-fuck of monumental propotions, which will only become more and more painful everyday you delay the inevitable distancing required.
My feelings - evaluate (as LG says-do you make beautiful music together?; as per MrFisher (I think) - are you getting at least as much out of the relationship as you put in - or is it an "endothermic" relationship)? Then, be honest with yourself - can you compartmentalize with or without attachment? If not, then either move-on or get ready for the roller-coaster!! If you can, then press on, Bro!
Excellent advice. I may not have been clear in my original post, but I'm fully aware that I'm in no position to ask her to only see me. I also know that my civvie relationship bugs her, because we've talked about it.
One of the most interesting things about this situation is the paradoxes it brings. There are so many of them. It's also interesting to me how, in many ways, the exact same issues arise as would in a 'normal' relationship--they're just a bit more complicated. e.g., learning to trust someone, feeling confident that someone cares for you, learning to respect privacy, etc. (I was never very good at any of those).
I have been guilty of focusing too much on her time with others, so trying to ignore it does seem simpler and easier.
Despite it all, I feel I'm still getting enough out of the relationship for now to continue it. It's a hell of a ride, though.
Been there and done that with the (lack of ) boundary thing with providers. I think it was Mr Fisher or BostonGreg - somebody - who said it's best to treat the object of your affection/lust like it's a fling. The minute you start "attaching" to her is the minute your relationship will become significantly more complicated.
So the key is to not attach and to "compartmentalize" and eschew "attachment". For us guys, it's hard because we're on the opposite side of the fence - we only see it from our perspective. But, the ladies are experts at it.
And you know what, some of the ladies provide because of the money, and some, quite frankly, provide because THEY LIKE IT.
Which really makes it good for us guys, because those are the ones who will probably screw your brains out. Which is just what happened to me about 1 hour ago .
So party on Nmach. Maybe it's best to create your own boundaries, if you provider refuses to do so - that is keep your own emotional distance. Foster compartmentalization and eschew attachment.
And lastly, in my own case, where I got my head into a monumental cluster-fuck with provider attachment, a sure-fire remedy is to start seeing other providers - particularly the visitors - who will bring variety - and with that - also perspective.
I am married to an active provider. We do not have an "open" marriage, however we do like to experience more than the normal couple. We believe that from the time we were children we had the concept of sexual monogamy drilled into our heads. This concept is more of a societal norm as opposed to an actual norm. Sex and intimacy are two completely different things (which most people get VERY confused and tied up together). We have complete trust in one another, and tell one another everything. I am not saying it will be easy to talk about what each other is feeling or what each other will need in the relationship what I am saying is that without trust and open communication you have little chance.
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