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The Erotic Highway

Re: Im a recent widower
Love Goddess 6281 reads
posted

My heartfelt condoleances to you, Felixdacat,

And my empathy and support for the fact that spending time with various women after you've been widowed is not easy, psychologically. Your flesh may be more than willing, but the spirit still needs some adjustment, so to speak. The unconscious mind does have an effect on male sexuality, like it or not. Volumes have been written on male performance anxiety and the like; still, not much has come out in terms of renewed sexuality after the death of a partner, except possibly in some journals dealing with homosexuality.

My take: the whole grieving process includes letting go, and this also means letting go on a deeply sexual level. And it's conceivable that you're just not there yet. Creating new sexual patterns with someone new can get tricky.

My suggestion: Don't sweat it. Yes, it may be a little frustrating, but heck, you do eventually "get off." You may also wish to explain to the provider(s) in question that you are recently widowed (a year or two is nothing in that regard) and that you are readjusting to "single life." And that includes having sex with new ladies. Providers are generally an understanding lot, so you will get empathy and earnest efforts at making you feel as comfortable as possible. You may also wish to find an ATF with whom you click sexually, and begin to go on a nice little journey of sexual exploration.

What not to do: Pressure yourself into performing. Obsessing over the issue. Feeling guilty/confused/rejected/dejected. Becoming impatient with yourself.

Bless your heart, you're STILL HERE and your sex life will eventually find its own course again. But it may take longer than you think. And that's perfectly fine, considering what's happened to you.

Meow,
the Love Goddess

Felixdacat7583 reads

I started hobbying about a year after my wife died. I have kids so this seemed to be a good alternative to introducing one or more "mother figures" into thier lives. So far it has been.

The last few times I saw a provider (2 different ones). We start out great. BBJ fine, Intercourse if fine for like 5 to 10 minutes then boom. Nothing. No Wood. BBJ/CBJ great we are back on. DATY. Great still hard and shes not even doing anything. Intercourse again. BAM. Nothing. I do eventually get off. But three times in a row.

Any insight?

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Love Goddess6282 reads

My heartfelt condoleances to you, Felixdacat,

And my empathy and support for the fact that spending time with various women after you've been widowed is not easy, psychologically. Your flesh may be more than willing, but the spirit still needs some adjustment, so to speak. The unconscious mind does have an effect on male sexuality, like it or not. Volumes have been written on male performance anxiety and the like; still, not much has come out in terms of renewed sexuality after the death of a partner, except possibly in some journals dealing with homosexuality.

My take: the whole grieving process includes letting go, and this also means letting go on a deeply sexual level. And it's conceivable that you're just not there yet. Creating new sexual patterns with someone new can get tricky.

My suggestion: Don't sweat it. Yes, it may be a little frustrating, but heck, you do eventually "get off." You may also wish to explain to the provider(s) in question that you are recently widowed (a year or two is nothing in that regard) and that you are readjusting to "single life." And that includes having sex with new ladies. Providers are generally an understanding lot, so you will get empathy and earnest efforts at making you feel as comfortable as possible. You may also wish to find an ATF with whom you click sexually, and begin to go on a nice little journey of sexual exploration.

What not to do: Pressure yourself into performing. Obsessing over the issue. Feeling guilty/confused/rejected/dejected. Becoming impatient with yourself.

Bless your heart, you're STILL HERE and your sex life will eventually find its own course again. But it may take longer than you think. And that's perfectly fine, considering what's happened to you.

Meow,
the Love Goddess

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dreamweaver77171 reads

What a wonderful response LG.  Of course we have seen this time and time again but really you are to be treasured.

Chin-up Felix.  May time be your friend...

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Sweetleaf687457 reads

No offense LG.

Why do women always jump to the conclusion that its psychological or emotional.

If this guy has been married for any length of time there is a good chance he has been having unprotected sex. Or it could be something like high blood pressure.

Im not disagreeing with you but felt other options should be posted.

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Love Goddess5761 reads

No offense taken, Sweetleaf68,

But if I were you, I'd change my statement to "why do THERAPISTS always jump to the conclusion that it's psychological or emotional." To say that "women always" do this or that IS jumping to conclusions...or?

The reason why I would SUGGEST (not "jump," thank you) to that conclusion is that he was able to get an erection in the first place. But of course it could be condoms, no doubt about it.

And yes, many options can be posted. Since the OP has not been heard from, it may take a while before we get any feedback.

Let's hope he enjoys himself, whatever it may be,
the Love Goddess

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bobinga5549 reads

If it is the loss of sensation from using a condom that is causing the problem, I would suggest that he try using a female condom.  In my experience it feels very close to bareback.  Good luck.

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Felixdacat5254 reads

I was looking more for the Provider/Hobbyist point of view. Is it possible that I have to be emotionally involved in order to perform fully? I've never had this problem before and yes I did use condoms after each of our kids.

ATF. Attractive, Talented, Female? Sounds good.

Thanks again.



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Love Goddess4032 reads

You have been accustomed to having relations with a woman for whom you had deep feelings. While I don't suggest becoming seriously emotionally involved with a future ATF - for reasons that we've discussed abundantly on this board - it may well be that feelings of care and friendship may be a possibility, and that this in turn will make the sex a very potent and passionate experience.

Let's see what happens,
the Love Goddess

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10InchPianist4038 reads

Dear LG et al,

I had almost exactly the same thing happen to me, but I'm still married and I'm 35 years old.  I'm used to coming at least three times per session (hour to hour 1/2 sessions).  So, when this happened I was definitely worried.  

One provider had Magnums and everything worked fine.  Then, with a subsequent provider, I used the regular condoms again and the same thing happened.  I was aroused but after a few minutes of thumping it just started to go limp.  Will a constricting condom make you limp?  What about other factors (i.e. fatigue, alcohol, diet, etc)?  I never thought I qualified for the Magnums, and up until a week or so ago when I used them, I never had a problem rebounding after pops.  Is it possible that as you get a little older you have to change equipment?

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Love Goddess6309 reads

Well, well, well, 10InchPianist,

There are so many things that can impact the quality of your session with a provider, that it would indeed be presumptuous of me to say, "YES, THAT'S IT." Now, the use of Magnums on a say, a non-large penis can be both a good and a bad idea. The good is that it's not as constricting; the bad - well, if your willie is of the smaller persuasion, the darn thing can actually slide off!

On the other hand, if Magnums are a good fit for you, heck, use'm! It's not so much a question of getting older, as it is a question of comfort. If one type of condom is too constricting, get another kind. And Magnums are very forgiving, to say the least. Of course, if you're a real biggie, then the XXL will be the way to go.

As to fatigue, alcohol, diet, etc., yep, they begin to have a greater impact with advancing age. Not that 35 is elderly by any stretch, but....it's not 19 and spring break in Cancun either - if ya get my drift. Those guys are obliterated on God know's what, and they still keep chugging. So if you want to keep the equipment in tip-top shape for a fab session, then get a good night's sleep, lay off the big fat steak washed down with a load of Cab, go easy on the Mary Jane [jeez, did I forget acid by any chance :-D] and dream sweet dreams.

And try to remember that it's always the quality over the quantity. We're all aging here and it seems that the guys who truly get the most out of sessions are those who emphasize the journey, not the destination. It's a good thought pattern to get into, as your body will one day diminish its pops. True, but not sad, if you know how to enjoy the more sensual aspects of lovemaking.

Old broad has spoken,
the Love Goddess

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channelguy7537 reads

very appropriate to consider in regards to your experiences.   I can attest to that impacting my performance almost 100%.    I still desire my wife a great deal, she is one hot lady.  For reasons previously discussed she can't have sex with me.

So I found that just going to "any lady" didn't work for me.  Finding someone that I really related to and vice versa worked.  I "came around" so to speak :-) sexually with two ladies who I now see on an exclusive basis.  (OK, I did have that "ill advised fling" with the neighbor, but that's over with!).

LF is correct - you have had the intimate relationship that is perfect - with a loved one and it doesn't get better than that.  I'm sure you are more than grateful for that time with your wife.  I'm sorry you've lost it.

I sure wish I could get it back with my wife.  Seeing her all the time and not being able to have what we once did is so incredibly painful / frustrating.

Keep checking the reviews, find someone close to your age and whose reviews reflect your personality.

Best wishes to you
CG

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SweetJaneHR4426 reads

I suggest you tell the lady about your situation.  She can be more sensitive to you if she knows why.    Other things that might do the trick-- If there are things you'd like to try, especially a particular fantasy (those can really get a guy going!), ask her.  If you need her to be more tender or spend more time cuddling, ask.  

Good luck!

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crafty4741 reads

This could also be a sign of low or diminishing testosterone, or an early sign of ED.  You should discuss the performance issue with your physician.

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