I'm sure LG's response will be far more intellectual and sensible than my own, but here goes with my perspective.

Lungman, no offense, but if you truly loved her the way you say you do, then you'd have ripped your own tongue out before saying something so hateful to her.

I note that you say the sex "slowed down", as opposed to saying that it stopped. This is food for thought for your next relationship, since I suspect this one is far beyond repair, but you might want to examine what your standards of a healthy sex life are. What quantifies "slowed down" in your eyes? I detected a bit of a sense of entitlement in the way you describe your sex life. Did you stop to consider her feelings? Believe it or not, we ladies don't necessarily want sex all the time. Not to rub salt in your wounds, but isn't it a little selfish to expect that she's going to roll over on a dime and spread her legs for you when you want sex?

As far as wondering if the relationship is reparable, wonder no longer. She isn't going to forget an insult like that in a decade, let alone a month.

Dear lungman,

I can understand your sadness and regret. It's not easy to engage in relationship when you have some type of depressive disorder, much less when you have to time the physical intimacy because of meds interfering with your sex life!

Having said that, I think there are several issues here:

1. Who gets engaged [presumably to get married] within six months? That's way too soon. It can take a year or two just to get to know someone, and that's if you live with him/her; if you are just dating, then I'd say an engagement is not in order until at least a year, maybe more has gone by.

2. Anyone who goes without sex and an orgasm for three years is bound to put so much emphasis on the sexual act that expectations simply become much too high and thus also the potential for disappointment.

3. If you place so much emphasis on sex and get upset when "things slow down," then you will always have a problem being with a woman. Women do NOT have the same sex drive as men - they don't have enough testosterone for it. In addition, if women get upset or perturbed in the least, what goes first - yup, whatever sex drive they do have is lost, sometimes irretrievably.

This was your SECOND argument. She gave you a chance and you blew it - she ended the relationship. What I suspect is that the "big pussy" comment was the straw that broke the camel's back, but it wasn't what made her leave. It is very possible that she felt so pressured by your need to have sex and the expectations and emphasis placed on it, the preparations for it [after all, how spontaneous can it get when you have to abstain from your depression meds for that one day], and the difficulty in just being relaxed and non-plussed about the whole thing.

I have no idea how old you are, but comments made in anger about "big pussies" and such are usually leveled by younger men. A more mature guy might use some other insults or fight completely differently. Now, if you are chronologically old but immature and moody just like a very young man might be, then I'd say she broke it off to protect herself from further outbursts and mood swings. In all honesty - and please correct me if I'm wrong - it doesn't seem all that stable to get engaged so soon, quarrel about sex so soon, or otherwise claim that you "love her deeply" after six months time. Deep love usually comes after a few years of really knowing a person inside out, accepting his or her faults, and allowing realism to enter into the relationship.

One might say that you are IN LOVE with her, which sometimes hurts even more if things go bust. Is there hope? Quite frankly, I doubt that she will come back to you. But if you are a smart man after all, you will learn something from this traumatic story and understand your need for quick fusion with someone. Relationships have the best potential for lasting when either partner avoids fusion, remains differentiated [meaning independent in his/her existence while still relating deeply to the other person], and doesn't make the other party responsible for personal desires. This relationship doesn't seem to have had any of these components; it was built on attraction, projection, idealization and erotic, shifting sands - all of which are doomed to fail if they don't transform into something way more realistic and solid.

Best of luck to you and try to grow emotionally from this incident,
The Love Goddess

Sorry, but your actions, the way you write, how you had to take out your disappointment strike me as a bit immature.  You mention your depression medication - maybe you should tend to that issue before you pursue a relationship.

the attitude you expressed in your comments would cause any relationship to eventually fail.  I've lost GF's over things about a tenth as egregious as what you were doing.

Just for future reference, it doesn't matter how much effort you had  to make to prepare for having sex.  When you approach your partner for sex, the same rules apply as any other man in the world.  She either wants to or she doesn't.  And like every other man in the world, you need to learn that there will be many times when you have to roll over and say good night with a raging erection- oh, and in those situations, you're well advised to keep your mouth shut!  Dating or married, it makes no difference and any guy on this board can tell you the same thing.  

If we've learned one thing on these boards over the years it's that very few guys under age 50 will EVER have as much sex as they want.  Learning to deal with this in a non-destructive manner is one of many things you must do before you'll have relationship sex.  Most of us had to learn it in school or in our early 20's.

Of course, if you improve your relationship skills, you may also improve you chances of getting sex.  But trust me, this isn't a "chicken or egg, which comes first" discussion.  I can tell you which comes first- get your own self under control and spend some time thinking about what it really means to be in a relationship with a woman who cares about and loves you, and what it takes to keep that love going and growing.  THEN, you may find your sex life improves.

It may even improve to the point where you get maybe 2/3 as much sex as you want- just like the other 95% of the male population.  And if you can't live with those percentages, then you might as well give up on relationships all together and just become a TER lifer.

-- Modified on 7/6/2009 1:03:39 AM

"Is there hope or am i shit out of luck!" Are you a betting man? I'd say the latter. My first wife and I had an great sex life, though it didn't start out all that terrific, due to our inexperience. But, because we were willing to educate ourselves and try new things, it became excellent. However, after about 15 years I found it difficult to orgasm inside her, unless she had her legs together in mission position, for added friction. She took this as her being damaged goods, though I had said nothing. It was all down hill from there. So, for you to say what you said would be like her telling you that your penis was too small, and that you would never be able to satisfy her with it. I doubt very seriously that you would ever be able to forget that, and nor will she. I'd say, don't plan on getting together with her, ever. As for you, you need to really, really, explore and resolve why it is that you feel such a need to hurt someone you supposedly, love so much, so deeply. Of course I may have stumbled on at least one issue already.

If she's not having sex with you, she's not into you. Sorry bro. It's time to move on.