Dear Love Goddess:
Wow, I have been reading your board as long as you have been here and it seems to me that this issue of hobbyists falling in love with providers is extremely common. Moreover it is an EXTREMELY PAINFUL sexually transmitted disease. I think we should coin the term "WT-STD" for this syndrome (Worse Than an STD). As an observer of human behavior, a student of the sciences and myself being a victim of WT-STD more than once, I have become aware of how many of these men have no one to confide in, no one to talk to about their feelings and the anxiety they all must feel. I have been inspired by the comments and suggestions by all who have weighed in on the subject. My heart goes out to these men. I hope they can find peace and solace somewhere again. I hope none of these guys go over the deep end, for the big sleep or become misogynists or serial prostitute killers. As a health care professional with 30 years experience, you and I both know: You never know! Maybe there ought to be a caution to all newbies posted on the Newbie Board "Beware of WT-STD." Hell, maybe we should add this to all our sex education courses in grade school and Planned Parenthood educational materials. God damn, I would love to sit down with all of you and have a drink or 10 and discuss a text-book or self-help book on the subject. I bet there is enough data on this board we could all write it together.
Here is the draft outline; or maybe we can just divide up the topics:
Title: "WT-STD: Worse Than a Sexually Transmitted Disease"
Written by: The Voices of TER
Edited by: The Love Goddess
Publisher: Treehouse
Audience: For all of us who like sex, and anyone who ever wanted to just have sex.
Introduction:
1. It is hard to separate sex from love.
2. Everyone needs companionship.
3. People have sex for a variety of reasons.
4. Sex expresses, communicates and fulfills a variety of needs.
5. WT-STD is a serious risk and far more common
6. It's not your fault, or hers
Salient Signs and Symptoms
1. Feels just like falling in love.
2. Its more than just sex.
3. Its not about the money.
4. Dependency.
5. Withdrawal/rejection reactions.
6. Financial problems.
7. Serous issues, stalking, violence
How to prevent WT-STD
1. Be aware of your true needs and your expressions.
2. Beware of unintended consequences.
3. How do you just have sex for recreation?
4. Talk to your providers.
5. Maybe you can't prevent it.
Treatment of WT-STD
1. Time.
2. Be patient with yourself and her.
3. Find someone you can talk to.
4. Expect the same as any grief reaction, broken heart or emotional loss syndrome.
From a Providers Perspective
1. Can you marry a provider?
2. It ain't the fantasy you had in mind
3. Why can't we be friends?
How to communicate a good good bye to one you truly love
1. Thank you
2. Forgive me
3. I forgive you
4. I love you
5. Good bye
Conclusion
1. Sex is not for the faint of heart.
Future research questions:
1. Accurate epidemiology
2. Long-term outcomes
3. Complications
4. Recidivism
Wow Doc, Quite a concept. You should write it. There is an audience for that book.
Very interesting, Doc Adams,
Although I wouldn't call it "an extremely painful SEXUALLY transmitted disease.." I don't think the minority of afflicted hobbyists [yep, they are a minority still, Aphrodite be praised] contract this disorder because of SEXUAL TRANSMISSION...they are propelled into Cupid's trap because of their EMOTIONS. Granted, the initial contact is sexual, but apparently some hobbyists are also receptive to - and reciprocate - dimensions of the relationship which are distinctly of the non-physical variety.
There is a consistent pattern - particularly on this board, mind you - among some hobbyists to include the "emotional and intellectual" aspects of hobbying, which is something that may not necessarily come to prominence on the other boards and websites. In addition, this board is primarily a COUNSELING AND ADVICE-GIVING board, not a board for promoting individual providers, specific encounters, or various general viewpoints. Hence, a certain type of hobbyist is drawn to post on this forum: I would venture to say that the hobbyists on our board ENJOY being cerebral, emotional and empathic in their approach, not only to sex but also to life.
It is my joy to observe that we have a very sophisticated and MATURE bunch on our board. "Flames" are completely absent; various opinions and schools of thought are tolerated, considered and dissected with great care and with much insight; civility is observed 100% and no one is made to feel insignificant or discounted. At the same time, I have found that "our" core group is one that seems to be comprised of mainly college-educated Baby Boomers, where humor and culturally temporal references blend with insight and more reflective persuasions. So, if it seems that it's extremely common for hobbyists to open themselves up to the potential of vulnerability and romantic emotion - chalk it up to the self-selected, stellar crowd populating our wonderful board!
With this, I would like to say that your draft outline is pithy, although I would hope that it is truly in jest. It appears that you spent a lot of time on it, and you definitely get an A for effort. But the intricate details of your outline worry me. It's a little OCD-ish. Maybe you haven't gotten laid in a while? Or maybe you TOO are a victim of this putative disorder and are suffering in secret? The solution for all of it is to STOP thinking with your big head and start to think with your little one. Get all of this outta yer mind..or rather, stick yer mind in the gutter and get a little sexual recidivism going...
Paradoxically yours,
the Love Goddess
-- Modified on 6/11/2007 9:10:45 PM
I love LG's ending thought: Let your little head liberate your big one!
A message from the National Association of Sexual Professionals could be:
'Visit a new provider.
It's much cheaper than psychotherapy.'
But I think maybe first, a suitable grieving period might often be emotionally required.
It's like after the loss of your beloved dog or cat. Best cure is to get a new one. But it doesn't feel right to buy another right away.
Providers are like pets.
Both increase your debts.
Both can be your hun
and be lots of fun...
and cause deep upsets.
OMG LG, you've done it again...outdone yourself.
Way too funny.....ROTHFLMAO......
MSH
Life itself is a long slow dibilitating disease which itself is incurable.
Even Laurie Anderson said that language is a virus, so why not love?
Maybe it should be regarded the way parents used to deal with chicken pox, make your kids catch it and get it over with.
Love can and does exist without romantic boundaries. Deep affection, a genuine concern for the welfare of the other person, and becoming happy when the other is happy; are indicative byproducts of special relationships and can represent a mutual loving friendship yet not be linked with traditional romance.
I think that a provider/client realtionship can take on the characteristics of this level of non-romantic love but it certainly requires each party to understand that it is a one-off relationship grounded within another type of relationship.
For sure the lines can get blurred and at times some may get momentarily hurt. Live, learn, heal and grow.
So Doc, get out there and skip the light fandango and just luv the one you're with...
What does "recidivism" mean??
-- Modified on 10/28/2007 11:24:57 AM
I made it 11 days, but still no cup with a condom. I guess I'll have to resign myself to that fate. What's more, I can relate to this post all too well, and for this and other reasons I think I need to move on from the one I called my ATF. Bummer. Tomorrow is another day.
-- Modified on 10/28/2007 11:25:43 AM
Amolatinas, remember that LG prescribed 60 days for her no-masturbation 'medicine' to work, not just 11.
It's now day 15 for me - and I've already never been happier.
Maybe, try to be more patient, before you despear?
This is a vital matter, and I hate to see you give up.
When you feel, “She’s the only one for me!”
Though your feelings have grown wider,
You’re just cash, to this provider.
Find another. Then you can leave her be.
-- Modified on 6/13/2007 2:29:53 PM
Had a similar conversation with the most lovely Sexy Toni one afternoon and she put it best ... the hobby "is what it is" ... nothing more.
The trouble with the hobby is that men are so freaking easy to please and so egotistical as to think they really are as great as they think they are! Feed us, F*ck us and roll us over to go to sleep. Men are genetically engineered to go out and hunt prey, carry it back to the camp fire and and grunt loudly and pound their chests about how great they are and then go sit on a rock until some woman in the clan makes dinner. After eating and a few belches between the boys he wants to mate isn't handy He'll do with another and go to sleep, to do it all over again tomorrow. The human male is at his base a very efficient hunting killing eating and mating machine and natural selection has made sure those traits are concentrated in the modern male.
Everything else has grown from his success in doing those things. I think all would agree with me that for a man sex is a lifetime priority perhaps ranking 2 to 4th in urgency ie ... shelter, sustenance, safety and sex. The contempaltion of poetry and government and so much of man's modern affairs are set on the foundation of these four primal needs. You might note that the first three are constantly being pressed onto governments to be the provider or guarantor. On the other hand sex is generally forbidden by government unless it fits within limited guidelines, but is never to be guaranteed as a Right ... Even if sex does fit comfortably with the governmental mandate to provide for Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness of our US constitution. Governments with scant exception outlaw the Hobby, but I wander.
When a guy seeks the company of a provider he is doing so to fill the gap in his life that exists elsewhere, if that gap is filled but for a scant few minutes or hours. His approach to that relationship is one of a practical nature. He throws the kill enclosed in envelope on the dresser and grunts, strips and wants to set about mating ... in this its been awhile so he'll eat later. I promise you if she lays him right and then feeds him, he will fall in love to the extent of his capacity to love right there and then and he will come back for more.
Getting enough of the kind of sex a guy wants is an endless quest. Guys think about sex every three or four seconds on some level and in those few seconds that sex isn't on his mind, eating probably is. Some guys find a great sex partner in one lifetime mate. Others never seem to be able to find it or if they do it fades rapidly in his hand like a flower picked and watched to wilt.
I mean from personal experience, what man wouldn't want to love and be loved by Sexy Toni or Ellyse Taylor or the recently retired Violet. But the truth is as the urgent rush of infatuation fades in to familiarity and the singular nature of our existence creeps over the relationship to form everyday life what would be different? I mean I couldn't stand the thought of Toni or Ellyse or Vi ragging my ass to put my dishes in the washer or to stop wearing that favorite T-Shit, I've had to 22 years! Or worse, when I pulled her to me at night she pushed back with a shirk and hugged the bead rail and grunted for me to go to sleep. No, as certain as those moments would be in a real world existence with these lovely women, life is as it is.
I'll savory my time with such lovely women on the "it is what is" plane of existence, because I know that for it be any more would quickly wilt to marital or coupled indifference and that would shatter my hope.
I do love these women mentioned, But I love them for who that are with me then, at that moment and that is all I ask for is that moment that they be loving to me. After all it is what it is.