I have a friend - a woman - that's in a pretty crappy situation with her husband, and I'm wondering what the LG's take on it might be.

My friend is 30, and married with one small child.  She got married about 3 years ago, and about a year in, she started having pain during sex.  She said there's a term for it, but I forget what it is.  It's painful to touch in or around her vagina, no matter how turned on or wet she is.  To the point that she and her husband really don't have sex.  When they decided to have a baby, she had to take some mild painkillers and just deal with it to get pregnant.  Not to mention actually having the child.

Her husband is not handling the situation well - from my perspective anyway.  He pretty much treats her like it's her fault they can't have sex, and if she tries and ends up crying from the pain, he's pissed because he hurt her.  This has led to things being pretty rocky in most facets of their marriage.  She's recently finished breast feeding the child, and has started seeking professional help, but isn't too enthusiastic about some of the possible treatments and outcomes.  Her husband in the meantime seems to be doing everything he can to let her know that she is the root of all his problems and pretty much making her life hell.  (again, my perspective)

My thought today was, wow, if he was having sex, he'd probably not be such an ass to her.  She says she's read about lots of women with the same problem getting divorces and wanting to kill themselves and all kinds of crazy stuff.  The last fricking thing I want is a good friend to be so depressed.  But there's no way in hell she'd be ok with her husband having sex with another woman.  Even if she could never have sex with him herself.    I don't know what to tell her or even how to console her.  Today, I wanted to say, "Tell him to look up TER."  But that would just lose me a good friend.  Any thoughts?  Thanks.

Dear snowman78,

The condition your friend is suffering from may be dyspareunia. I will avoid going into lengthy medical explanations, since I have attached a good link instead. There, all who are interested can read about this syndrome, its causes and treatment.

My professional and clinical advice to you is this one: please stay out of the advice-giving game to this couple altogether..if you want to keep them as friends. Of course, it is very distressing, even as a third distant party, to read the things you describe. Husbands with physically ailing wives need to be supportive and not blaming. Clearly, she did not willingly acquire this disorder, so it's not something she can be "blamed" for.

Rather than refer him to TER, if you really want to help out - suggest to both of them that they enter sexual counseling. If they go to the website www.aasect.org, they can find a good sex therapist in their area who will help. I am assuming the wife has already sought medical help...which makes it all the more sad to read about her husband's reactions to the issue.

This is a couple in physical and psychological pain. The trick is to see them as a marital unit, and as such, it's THE UNIT that's in trouble; hence, the unit needs fixing. And, unless you are professionally equipped to do so, all you can do is lend a sympathetic ear and hope that they both work on their marriage TOGETHER.

It's tough being a bystander,
the Love Goddess