Dear LG,

I'm the partner of "Mr Tit for Tat" and he showed me his email along with your respose and I was impressed with your perception of our situation.   So I have decided to present my side!

When I first discovered that my partner had seen a provider, I was appalled - it  was a real blow to my ego and made me wonder about our sex life at home!  When confronted, he fobbed it off as not being a big deal, that it was a very common thing for guys to do (that's why its such a big industry!) and so on.  

I said, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he had found out about me being with a provider.  Of course, he was cool about this, obviously thinking it was an empty comparison.

So, the only way to make him realise how I felt was- to do the deed!  He is now having trouble coming to terms with what I did and brings it up often and says that I had a better time than he did so it wasn't fair.  

I am never ceased to be amazed by the way guys think that whatever they do is OK, but if their partner does the same thing - then it's different and therefore bad!

He initially said that he couldn't promise that this would put an end to his hobbying, then he suggested that we do things as a couple!!  Personally, I can only see this opening up more issues.

Thanks for listening!  I'd be interested in your point of view.

Welcome to The Erotic Highway, "partner,"

I would have hoped you could have had your own username, but I'm assuming this really is the lady of 'repeatdefender,' so I hope this reaches you all the same.

My point of view is quite simple: you taught your partner a little life lesson. As to whether things will go on for you in this vein, well, your guess is as good as mine.

As to the "doing things as a couple," all I have to say is this: do not force yourself to engage in things you don't want to do. I'm sure you already know that, but it bears repeating. In other words, don't coerce yourself into anything less than absolutely desirable, just to make peace or continue the equalization game. It seems your episode with the male escort had a favorable outcome, but just remember that the more cooks you involve, the weirder the soup can become.

I don't think your partner will put an end to his hobbying forever. He has been very honest about his motivations and he has given you the respect of being truthful. As to "a very common thing for guys to do," well, that's in the eyes of the beholder, no? In my practice, I can tell you that guys visiting with paid professionals are in a minority. Most men who have extramarital sex do so with co-workers or "civilian" mistresses. In some way, they get themselves into way bigger messes than those who strictly hobby. I'm not endorsing one over the other, but if it is as your partner says - strictly for 'fulfilling his genetic imperative' - then maybe count your blessings. Of course our societal ideal is complete fidelity, but I've almost given up on it as a concept for some men.

It's almost heresy for a marriage and family therapist to admit that yes, some men just have inordinate sex drives and an insatiable need for sexual variety, and to accept that as a turn of events. But it seems that this, in some way, is what is preserving your union. Sometimes you have to be sanguine about life, and maybe this is one of those instances. Making injunctions, threats, ultimatums, proscriptions, none of it may work and in fact make things worse. So it's up to you, dear 'lady partner' if you want to hang in there for other benefits of the relationship.

Finally, I am not too worried about you. You seem like a very enterprising and assertive woman, quite capable of taking care of your own emotions and creating viable solutions for yourself. This is the key in all of this - worry about your own feelings, first and foremost. The fact that you "had a better time than he did," I would take with a grain of salt. The grass is always greener....or we always seem to think it, when we've forgotten our own rolling around in the proverbial hay.

Rapt to know ya,
the Love Goddess

You each have to answer the question:  "Do I like the other person enough to be their best friend?"

If the answer is yes, and that other person feels a need to have sex with other people (paid professionals or otherwise) then a friend won't stand in their way.  If you enjoy sex with each other, then a little fling here or there won't interfere with that.  If you don't enjoy sex with each other, then it shouldn't even matter.

I realize that I am perhaps stating an overly-simplified version of a utopian universe, but I exaggerate to make a point.

Just being married does not dictate that your sexual attraction will only be to your spouse;  nor does it mean it is wrong to pursue those attractions with others.

You have a rare opportunity to create a relationship based upon your frankness with each other.  I hope you decide to do so without regard for society's conventions and find just what is right for both of you.

As a TS provider who frequently dates couples and is also in a LTR with another proivder I may have a unique perspective.

I have to agree with mrfisher's and Love Goddesse's answers.

When a man goes outside a marriage to have his needs met the wife normally takes it as a sign the marriage is failing and it's all her fault.  You should never think that.  It's well known men  think with their little heads, not the big ones.  But how you deal with it will determine your future.

I don't agree with a "tit for tat" reaction. I think that adds strain and jealousy where what you want to do is enhance your relationship perhaps through opening it up to multiple partners on an occasional or regular basis.

I hear time and again from men I date that they are bored and want something different.  (That's definately us... [giggle]) This doesn't mean they don't love their wives, or that their wives don't satisfy them, just that they have need for something new.

I think many people like the thrill of the chase, I know I get far more excited on my first few dates with someone new.

I think the fact that we are providers enhances my relationship with my partner. We have fun on many of our dates and our private love life stays fresh and enjoyable I think as a result.

I can't say if "swinging" will enhance or destroy a relationship.  It all depends on the people and their own personas.  You definately have to be able to separate your love and private relationship from recreational sex.

My partner and I are best friends, we are lovers and we are escorts.  We enjoy sharing our unique relationship with others.  Yet we have our own "place" where our relationship is ours alone.

The couples we date seem to fall into two catagories.  Couples like us who are best friends, and have reached a comfort level where they enjoy each others company, but realize each may have special needs or they just enjoy multiple partners, together or separately.

Or they are first time explorers. Where it's usually the man who instigates things, and the female partner is trying to please him.  We run into this so frequently that I put a special page on our web site regarding couples and the female partner feeling forced into a no-win situation to appease her partner.  I find that 99% of couples in that situation don't hook up with us, adn I wonder how many actually survive as a relationship.

So I don't have any real advice to give here - just some expereinces to share.  Hope it helps someone.

Best,
TS Jamie