I have been recently contacted by a provider who I’ve been seeing on and off for a few months. She wrote that she would be in my area and whether I would like to meet.

The matter is that I’d rather not. Our last rendezvous was really insipid; she was distracted, had no energy, and while she insisted on a 2 hour date, after 20 minutes of allowing me to do what I was there for, she huddled into the corner of the bed and chatted, obviously just waiting for me to get up and leave. I thought this was a not-so-subtle message she is no longer interested in my company. Since then I moved on and I am now seeing someone who gives me a lot of joy.

I know this is supposed to be a NSA, a no commitment relationship, but I’d rather not hurt her feelings - I would rather she feels ‘she dumped me first”. What is the best way to reply to make my intentions explicit, but still polite and friendly? Clearly, I am absolutely not going to go into the “whys” and mention anything I explained above, but what else? Thank you.

you could:

be busy but non specific

or (my preference) simply say you have moved on, that you deeply appreciated the time you spent with her, and could you get in touch with her when circumstances are different?

she needs that feedback - it is important for her to evaluate and correct her mistakes as a provider. I would tell her the unvarnished truth and reject out of hand any of those pitiful offers to "make it up to you" that frequently come from providers who drop the ball.

or have the stomach for facing it out, that is certainly reasonable and even preferrable. i get the feeling from the original post that may not be an option here.

If a provider wrote  me I would joke and say do you contact  all guys if not I deserve a discount
 

-- Modified on 2/7/2009 5:33:16 PM

Dear Sensitifeguy,

Yes, either you are very sensitive, or you imagine the provider is. You do not need to give any particular reason for not being available. This is primarily A BUSINESS in which hobbyists are encouraged to seek variety and also a business in which providers who dial for dollars [no matter if by phone or by Internet] is frowned upon, for obvious reasons.

The fact that you have a good relationship with this provider and you have given her permission to contact you is very nice, but beyond that, you don't owe her an explanation, worrying about hurting her feelings or anything of the like.

I also disagree with the poster who suggested that you might want to 'explain' her mistakes to her. If you really were not happy, write a review. Beyond that, she is not going to 'learn from it,' although she might get slightly miffed and decide that you weren't worth the trouble in the first place. This isn't a restaurant or some merchandise - it's a live person and like any live people she could have had an off night...or maybe she perceived something within you that she did not like?

Who knows...in any event, just back off and tell her you are not available.  "I'm sorry but I'm not available. Take care, XX." Nothing else. Believe me, she'll get over it if she is a professional...only an amateur would think of it as "being dumped."

Don't sweat it please,
the Love Goddess

Thank you LG and everybody who has replied.

I think being ‘busy now’ and ‘maybe later’ is the best approach; I will take this route.

As for the other side being ‘professional’ and all that…well.  I’ve read enough on the boards and seen a coupla of things myself to suspect that behind the façade of treating his/hers hobbying relationship as a ‘business’, a ‘service’ and a ‘just another envelope/hotel room’ there is a ‘bruised’ teen hiding - who would much rather be a ‘rejecter’ than a ‘rejectee"...

you are in the best position to judge this.

while i agree with LG that this is a business there are many ways of doing business. there is a school of doing business that says that personal feelings have no place (this is the Anglo-American school of capitalism) and there is a school that says that relationships and care are still important (the European-Japanese model).

there is a study that indicates that the Anglo-America model has serious adverse health consequences. it is published as _The Health of Nations_ authored by a couple of fellows from Harvard Med. you can check it out on major online booksellers.

when they engaged in these studies, they did not have person-to-person sexual services industries in mind. Please understand that PARTICULARLY in Europe, where prostitution is either legalized or decriminalized and also in Japan, where yours truly happened to live for several years, the sex industry is way more "business-oriented" than what goes on among the TER population.

Let's not confuse business with pleasure, shall we,
the Love Goddess

being courteous and civil need not be eliminated from either business or pleasure. my experience in Europe and Asia is that relationship boundaries are better kept while business transactions are warmer and more civil (or allow that illusion) regardless of industry.

as to the relevance of industry type, there is no study to justify a distinction yet AFAIK. i wonder why you think there is one?

Totally agree with LG here.

The % of people that actually appreciates honest, constructive feedback on their shortcomings is probably less than 2%.  It's a pity that it is so, but that's human nature.  All trying to be helpful will do is most likely result in an ugly email back or totally pissing her off.  And, who knows, you might end up wanting to see her again sometime so why do that?  

On another score, how did she force you to contract for two hours?

Thank you, LG, for the great, direct, succinct, and pithy answer. Where have you been when I have needed you?  I have wondered in the past about dropping a girl abruptly because of a disappointing repeat experience.  I guess I should not have been bothered.  Similarly, I have tried very rarely to tell a girl I wasn't totally satisfied by something in the session.  I absolutely got mauled in return.  I should have known.  Maybe I do now.

to see her in your rearview mirror. The way to play this game is to keep it NSA all the way. Theres lotsa pretty flowers in the provider garden. Lotsa ladies who can give you really excellent service. Wont take you for granted unless you spend too much time with them, get too familiar. Hit the road jack and be glad you did.