Surely I can't reply to this question that is best answered by providers.  But it causes me to ask a related question and to share something that I was once told...

1:  Is the situation that much more significantly different then it is for the hobbyist who has a loved SO and seeks a provider to fulfill some other need? There are boundries and potentially blurred lines (as you say) in the majority of provider/client relationships and that construct exists on both sides.  
2:  I had this very conversation with one independent provider who previously used to work in some of the well known brothels in Nevada.  She told me that when she got home to her SO after a long day or nights work that her personal sex was out this world fantastic.  She explained to me that while she enjoyed her client's company and really enjoyed the sex as well, that ultimately it amounted to extended foreplay that resulted in a massive unleashing when she got home to her lover.  Not sure how prevalent that experience is for providers in general but an interesting perspective that made me go 'Hmmmm'.

Very interesting question, big sky,

and were I to give an absolute answer, I'd get many postings telling me I was dead wrong. Some providers have distinctly dual lives and do not appear to incur any stress from it whatsoever. Of course, the human body rarely lies and in that case, you could find a preponderance of somatic complaints instead. Many can suffer from something chronic, or what appears to be a "delicate system," when in fact all those physical complaints go away when the unconscious stress level goes down.

On the other hand, it's not just the double life that may be stressful, it's the whole "professional disease" that accompanies any type of job strain. For providers, it's usually the lack of job security,i.e. when and where's the next call going to come from; the constant fear of getting arrested by LE, hence the time spent screening, verifying, wondering, checking, setting up elaborate buddy systems to ensure safety when going on outcalls, etc; the enormous attention paid to reviews, not just TER, but other review boards as well; monitoring all sorts of back-channeling and rumors in general - here's where relationships to other providers play a huge role, and it's not always pleasant; the emphasis on always looking one's best - that's why many providers just don't have the energy to look like Barbie dolls in private life, thereby attracting the attention of civvie men; fear of getting recognized on the street - another motivation for sunglasses, baseball caps and shapeless sweats during off-time; fear of neighbors making reports, thus the stress of always making nice with neighbors and supers in buildings; the tax man who requires a detailed explanation of where those couple of 100Ks come from; and, a million other things that I neglected to list, because your question was actually about LOVERS!

See how far I got in my answer before remembering your original question? This is because in some way, lovers are not exactly at the top of a list for a successful provider. N.b. that I am not inferring some sort of physical or psychological abstinence for providers per se; it's just that there are so many other issues that deal with the fundamentals of being a quality provider that boyfriends and lovers may not be the end-all, be-all they seem to be for many civilian women.

As to the "blur of lovers" for providers, I think it's a huge myth. On the contrary, many providers don't have boyfriends at all. For one, as stated previously, it's very hard to lead a double life. It entails making up watertight stories, sticking to them and altering them as time goes on. Two, if the wish is to be truthful, it's not that easy for a woman to find a man who will go along with his loved one sleeping with other men as a job. Yes, there are men who will agree to it, but they are a minority. Check out TER's past archive poll, and you'll see what TER members have to say - and they are probably a little more liberal than the rest of the nation in this regard.

As to the woman you described in the latter part of your question, remember this one: she's a provider, you're a client. She may very well have a lover/boyfriend/husband and you wouldn't know any of it, because you are a CLIENT. Providers do not owe clients the truth, they owe clients a paid phantasy. Many providers feel that it's none of any client's business to know about boyfriends, lovers, etc. In fact, some may even have children and you wouldn't know it either.

I can't say with certainty if this particular provider's response means that her needs for sex and intimacy are satisfied by clients. Maybe she is not CAPABLE of receiving intimacy, or desirous of it in her life at this time. Maybe she has been hurt in the past and she feels comfortable with the distance component of a provider-client relationship. It's hard to gauge without having spoken to her directly. Also, remember that providers in general are afforded a great deal of freedom and independence due to their earnings. For a provider to replace prostitution earnings with the same amount earned in a 'legal profession,' she'd have to become degreed professional overnight with gainful employment, e.g. a first year associate in a legal firm, a consultant with McKinsey, an MD working for an HMO...or a winner of 'American Idol' or the lottery. A provider may be caught in a financial cycle where it's impossible for her to quit. Car and house payments, private school for the kids, supporting extended family, etc etc etc. A myriad of financial obligations may make it impossible for a provider to quit. A boyfriend or husband would merely complicate the situation. So what to do?

Almost all providers become experts at compartmentalizing. Some do it in their love life, e.g. they will pick unsuitable boy-toys and male arm-candy who couldn't work his way out of a paper bag [guess who picks up the tab every time!] Other providers become afflicted with the rescuer syndrome and hook up with what is popularly termed 'loser guys' - unemployed, depressed, always at the short end of the stick - and then guess who provides a warm home, clean sheets, endless love and caring [but also the emotional control and the power to kick the guy out when necessary!] Another group of providers may just repress their need for emotional intimacy and state that they get all their physical and mental requirements met by 'fabulous clients.'

Lastly, I believe that if a provider's work were not seen with such immense societal derision worldwide [yes folks, even where prostitution is legal, it ain't sumpt'n you bring home to momma,] the issue of a dual life with hidden lovers and compartmentalized feelings would be highly minimized. That's why - and this is another 'dirty provider secret' - many providers dream about being 'bought out,' although it's not something that's brought up often, nor is it freely discussed among providers. When Madam Alex was at the height of her popularity in Los Angeles during the early 80s, many of her employees 'defected' to the altar with wealthy older men. In those cases, many of the men were ex-clients, others were simply in the world of high rollers who met these women at the Playboy mansion, at private night clubs, etc. I'm sure these marriages were not just mercenary arrangements, but it seems to me that most of these men knew what these girls had been up to in the past, and that it wasn't that important to them anyway. And for the girls, it represented a ticket out.

The interesting issue is always the exit strategy of a provider when she reaches her 50s and beyond. No one wants to be pathetic and providers, just like any other person, live in an extra special fear of of it. Plastic surgery only goes so far, plus the issue of menopause is another difficulty. Many providers end up quitting sex work and entering serious relationships only at that juncture, often with someone who can support them while they either go into complete retirement or prepare for another career.

I also believe that it's a myth that the average provider has saved so much for a rainy day that she can comfortably retire. Most providers don't make THAT much money, plus the lifestyle can be so grinding and stressful that those Manolo Blahniks, trips to faraway lands, or even just hanging out with lesser-monied friends/boyfriends/lovers during the time of providing, can prevent the provider from adding to her financial retirement plan.

So as you see, big sky, the "blur" of lovers really is a "blur" of issues that take precedence, in the sense that they affect the most basic needs of existence. Yes, lovers and boyfriends are in there somewhere, but work always has to come first. And finally, as to moralizing and asking the sometimes 'why don't they just do something else' - my answer would be, 'they would - if there weren't any men who supported the existence of this very noble profession!'

Still an incomplete answer,
the Love Goddess

All sex is paid for in one way or another.  A wedding ring is akin to a credit card; that's not the dichotmomy.

The real question is having sex with a SO with whom you have built (or are building) a real relationship with all its complexities; or with a (hopefully, but not always) nice guy who sees you every so often for sex, maybe some conversation, and not much more.

Nothing wrong with either.  But it's the proverbial "mixing apples and oranges" to compare them.

well-reasoned, dispassionate and moral-neutral explantion I've ever seen presented.

As a happy, well-adjusted and succesful provider who is also in a very contented and exciting long-term relationship, I often think about my personal vs. provider sex life.  Since I genuinely enjoy the power I have to make men weak at the knees- for $ or for pure fun- it's not really an either/or choice. I like both. And I think many providers, if they're lucky enough to have a man as broad-minded as mine- feel the same way. It's all good, as they say.

If it stops being fun, exciting, and fascinating, I'll stop. And that's all she wrote.

First, let me say that this is probably a topic on which I should post with an alias, but since I don't believe in hiding behind a false alias, I can't bring myself to do it. Second, please allow me to ask that you don't judge me. I am only a human woman with emotions and no matter how "tough" I seem, it's a protective wall between the world and I to protect myself from the vulnerability I know lies beneath. That said, let's go.

Dear Big Sky:

For me, it is so difficult to enjoy real intimacy with a man who isn't a client. Sex becomes somewhat mechanical when you're a provider. Part of the reason for this is the "list of menu items" that *must* be performed in order to receive a certain "grade" on TER, thereby increasing my business, thereby increasing my means to live. I'm not saying I don't enjoy sex with clients, but I am saying that if you read most of the ladies' reviews, you will see a pattern. First she does this, then she does that, then we did this, then we finished this way, and on and on. I think every provider, whether they realize or admit it or not, follow a sort of mental checklist. And it isn't a bad thing.

What happens in my personal life when I have a relationship is this: I don't work as much because I feel guilty, I don't make as much money and I work JUST enough to pay the bills, and I don't enjoy my clients very much. On some level I resent them and that's my own guilt projected.

As a remedy, and after my last relationship ended, I decided I need to take some "me" time. I am a giver. Give, give, give and sort of don't expect to receive in response. So, what happens is I don't receive. Then I resent. Then I get over it and give some more. I am one of the women who winds up attracting the wrong men. I'm sure part of this is leftover from my child, part of it is having the "power" and part of it is desperation to be genuinely loved, mentally, emotionally and physically. There is nothing wrong with admitting this because on a basic level, isn't that what we all want? We want to be loved and accepted? Unfortunately, MOST of the men out there who "accept" a provider as a mate are not good men. Afterall, would a good man really be okay with his mate having sex with multiple men for money? The answer is, no. Not in my experience. I've been used for money, I've been used because I'm charitable to friends and the friends become boyfriends and use me, I've been dumped when I wasn't making "enough money." So, yes, it's hard, if not damn near impossible to have a true, loving relationship while selling rental access to your body.

For me, right now, it's best after a five year relationship that I take some time for myself. Work, because I enjoy my work when I'm single. I don't date, I'm a homebody, so having gentlemen company is a way for me to still feel a little loved and a little cared for, even though it's a facade.  Learn to truely and wholly love myself, faults and all. This is a biggie because people who wind up in relationships where they're used, etc. don't love themselves enough. What I'm doing is essentially dating myself. I'm treating myself the way I want a man to treat me. And I'm making good money and enjoying a facade of connection that sometimes, when I'm lucky, isn't really a facade. It is a real connection.

So, to answer the last sentence of your post pertaining to how a blur of lovers affects we providers and our relationships; it is different for every woman. For me, it makes me feel guilty when I'm in a love-relationship to have sex with anyone but my SO, but I'm also a bit "numb" to sex. What I mean by that is that for most civvies, sex is a bit sacred. For providers, not so much anymore. It loses it's "specialness" for some women when you've had many partners. Other women it doesn't affect, or they don't admit it does. The way I'm dealing with this is again, to date myself. Love myself. Treat myself well, and enjoy the independence and lack of guilt from not being in a relationship. It really does make me appreciate my "job" that much more, it makes me feel good and it's probably much more pleasurable for my clients to see me if I'm not feeling guilty, etc. I know I'm a much, much better provider when I'm single, so I think I'll keep it that way for a few years.

Big Sky, again, thank you for a thoughtful question. And to alll who may read this, please don't judge or belittle me for my honesty. Please don't decide not to see me because I was honest. Please don't think ill of me because I'm not a machine, rather I'm a feeling, loving human being in need of love and connection and these days, I really do get it from my paid dates.

Love and respect,

Andi

PS I free-wrote this from the heart, so please ignore any spelling or grammatical errors because if I go back and edit, I'll decide I shouldn't post it for my own selfish reasons. But I should post it, if for no other reason than for the obviously caring, concerned gents on THIS board who do realize we're humans and who realize we are the "fairer sex" and sometimes, this job can get to us and hurt us a little. None of us are perfect, unfortunately.

excellent post and very revealing, not to mention you really opened up.

So many guys here are idiots and think that they go see a girl and they will get exactly what was written up beforehand and get disappointed since they come in with such high expectations.

We are all human and part of that is having deep emotions at times. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's not.

But many guys do exoect robots to always be happy to see them, do exactly what they want them to do, even if a girl is supposed to read minds.

I've been very fortunate that I've made some good friends of the girls I've seen so it's not just the client-provider relationship. This is what life is supposed to be about, a give and take, and some guys think that by beign the payor, that gives them the right to be so self centered and obnoxious......

Andi,

The last thing I would do after reading your reply is to think less of you.  I'm certainly moved by your honesty and willingness to share your thoughts and experiences.  Truth be told I'd be more inclined to hug you than avoid you and not because you need it and not because of a male 'white knight' rescuing need on my behalf but rather because you so bravely exposed your most vulnerable thoughts. Good for you...

The hobby, while providing a seemingly endless venue of erotic and sexually charged fun times, is a minefield of emotional peaks and valleys.  It's always nice to hear how the other 'half' deals with these things.  

One last point....

You mentioned 'gentlemen company is a way for me to still feel a little loved and a little cared for, even though it's a facade.'

Andi please know two things about that thought:
1: For every provider who feels that way there is at least one client who feels the same.
2: It isn't necessarily a facade.  It probably  is not civvy romantic, relationship, SO love and caring.  But it can be deep fondness, heartfelt  gratitude and sincere care for the well-being of the person who just willingly shared the most wonderful gift of giving herself to me.

The subject of this post and its replies,has got to be one of the most personal,refreshing and informative I have read on TER. I appreciate LG's honest,objective and empathetic answers to questions many hobbyist have always had. Her answers to this question and some others ask of her can be somewhat cold, but one always know it's the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.  Thank You LoveGoddess for your integrity.
Andi, after reading your post, if you where standing here I would give you a big hug and say that some of us hobbyist truly do respect, care and love the ladies we spend time with.  If I am ever in your area, I will definitely give you a call!  I know that for you to be so honest and open in your post, without using an alias, truly took a great deal of courage and hopefully other fellow hobbyist feel the same way.  It is refreshing to see things honestly from a ladies point of view and makes one care just a little more.

Thanks

I was hoping that someone would call me on it.

I do not apply a price tag to everything.  

Love is one thing, and art is another, where the experience transcends money.

However, in the escort business, sex is the product and you do pay for it.  That's not me, that's life.

In a loving relationship between a man and a woman (speaking heterosexually here), sex is usualy (but not always) a part of that.

If one party with the wherewithall (usually the man) to provide sustenance to the other (fancy word for money) fails to do so, then they are ripping off the other party.  Do we rip off those we love?  

This subject is not easy to completely cover in a forum like this.  A book could be written (and I'm sure has) been written on the subject, besides, I abhor long posts; so

The last thing I want to state is how poingnant Andi's post was.  One of the most beautiful I have ever read on here.

I dream of the day when we can do with our bodies what feels right and not feel guilty.  Keep pointing the way Andi, we'll follow.

Everyone, please feel free to pile on!

My mind is open, but I won't hesitate to put out there what I feel, will you?

Two opinions that constantly keep popping (pun intended) up in different boards on this site are one, we have to pay for it and two, the ladies would not spend time with us if it wasn't for the money.  I also have to ask the obvious question, would we continue to see or pay a provider if she did not offer sexual favors? Well I hate to say it but both these opinions and question also relate to the real world or civvie world .  In a civvie relationship, if the male does not pay for dates, gifts, some if not all the support (if they get married or live together) or other thimgs is the female going to have sex with him or for that matter stick around?  If the female did not eventually have sex with the male, is he going to stick around?  I think not in either case.  My point being, rather it be a relationship in the hobby or the civvie world the money for sex should not and is not the main focus.  The main focus is the chemistry, companionship,friendship, care, love and hopefully great sex that is shared during their time together.  Whether it be for an hour or two or for a lifetime.

I date a lot lately and really enjoy both. ( Dating or just sleeping around are two different topics)  This has only been though the last 6 months I have been dating.  I guess I consider that I have one foot out of the biz and one foot in.  I guess in all honesty I have come to realize I like a variety of men.  I am aware I am a complicated provider and each time I get close to a civilian guy all the non-attractive stuff or non-glamorous for lack of a better phrase comes to though while spending time with him.  I know this is a component that men possess about women and perhaps I only understand
    This biz has spoiled me in ways that money can not buy.  It's where I am now in life and that has a lot to do with my experiences I never would of had had it not been for some of the terrific guys I had met.
    Both clients and cilvians have satisfied my needs and if one becomes too much I simply step back and reevaluate what I am doing wrong.  For me, if I sleep with a cilivian man, he is a lucky man as I probably put him though a longer wait than he was used to but there have only been 2 so far and they never found out about my business, I keep them where they belong I guess.  

    I truely believe that I have become a lot like men who enjoys a variety of women only for me it's on a smaller scale of men.  I truely appreciate them more as I understand them thanks to the best guys in this community.

Leon Festinger investigated cognitive dissonance arising around cults and end of the world prophecy.

In the provider world, cultural beliefs around love and intimacy can often cause a cognitive dissonance to occur when their behaviour with clients literally proves to them that love and intimacy is not exclusive to the civvie world.

The provider then has two choices.
1)  Change the new behaviour.
2)  Change the belief.

As you indicate, and subsequent provider posts show, usually the provider chooses to change the belief, rather than sacrifice the feelings of love, intimacy, and sex they experience with clients.

BTW,  Dissonance theory is in opposition to most behavioural theories. It asserts people will choose the path of attitude or belief change, which provides decreased incentive,  (less dissonance). As opposed to a change that provides increased incentive (reinforcement).

are you saying that most people change their beliefs when reality indicates that the belief is mistaken, rather than cling to the belief and eschew behaviors that come into conflict with the beliefs?

I would like to think that this is the way things should work.  Reality trumps psychology in my book.  However, considering how much shit is happening in the world today, it would appear the opposite is more often the case.

Is this a close approximation of the theory?

Though I would not want to make a quantitative guess on how many people choose to change their belief rather than their behaviour, I would hazrd to say many if not most semi-evolved adults choose to change their belief system rather than their behaviour in order to reduce the dissonance.

Regarding the other shit in the world..... and though I will tread lightly with respect to politics, I assume the shit you are referring to is the geo-political and ideological struggles.

Unfortunately, when it comes to cognitive dissonance in the political world, the framework has other components in it that may trump or complicate the desire to reduce the dissonance. That ultimate trump card is of course ... POWER!  IOW, the power is more desirous than reducing the dissonance.

Thus we see political leaders and their supporters experiencing cognitive dissonance, (ususually demonstrated by acting out with hatred and persecution), but rather than reduce the dissonance, they instead change neither thier attitude, beliefs, or behaviour in order to retain their power.

This is starting though to get away from sociopathic behaviours and into psychopathic behaviours, so I will stop here.

I'd be happy if people would just stop buying lottery tickets and extended warantees.  

This is starting to sound like a saying I've been seeing in someone's tagline. Hopefully this is close enough:

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: Rather than change their points of view to fit the facts, they change the facts to fit their points of view.

including sex!!
I can't answer for anyone but myself so here it is in a nutshell. I am a firm believer that intimacy (including sex and conversation) is a MUST.The dosage for me is higher, maybe I am in my prime!!. Since I don't have an SO, I try to date a little on the side. I still have needs and desires for intimacy and companionship. ALL of my SEX is out of this world..on and off the clock. I kid you not!

Sexy Carolina

and although I agree with Tabu that there are some who feel as she feels, the majority do lead double lives and it's very strenuous (at times).

Thanks Love Goddess!

Hugs,,
Ciara

I've always enjoyed reading your posts and often feel as you do. I also do not have a boyfriend because when I'm in a relationship that is the only person I want to have sex with. For right now, it's better for me to refrain from having a relationship. That way, I can give more to my clients and to myself. Keep writing, girlfriend. We -- writers -- have to stick together.

Hugs,
Ciara

because it is so damn honest and reveals deep feelings not often openly discussed by most of us.  Clearly Andi has given lots of thought to the relationship issues and the meaning (for her) of intimacy.  I am more aware now, and can have more empathy for my ATF's struggles, because of what Andi's post teaches me.