Is it typical that one's underlying general happiness in life is greatly influenced by the frequency and quality of their sex life?  I find that sex is such a powerful theme in my life and when it wanes so does my general feeling of contentment and joy.

I am betting that you'll say it has to do with those pesky neurochemicals (dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, etc).  Is that a typical and common experience for most men?  How about women?  

How do celibate people experience joy and happiness if they're not getting the rush that sexuality brings?  Where do they get those feel-good fixes?

Thanks.


-- Modified on 4/5/2007 6:44:36 PM

Dear Bedspread,
Interesting question...to which I believe there are as many answers as there are individuals. For some, sexual activity, thoughts, feelings, etc. are highly connected to a very basic level of satisfaction. Then again, for others, it may be food and the act of eating.

I would have to say that I somehow concur with Maslow..although his study encompassed a limited sample of psychologically "healthy" individuals. According to his pyramid, physiological needs are at the base. Within this fundamental, more "primitive" section, sex is included (see article.)

Now, Maslow rates "sexual intimacy" with "love and belonging" somewhere in the middle, meaning the third layer of the pyramid. I bet if you ask some women [not all, BIG CAVEAT,] they will say that their need for "love and belonging" is greater than the need for purely sexual activities. In this instance, I would point to varying levels of hormones and those 'pesky' neurochemicals.

As to celibate individuals, you only have to visit the nearest nunnery. Plenty of ladies in there "married to Jesus" who experience all sorts of joy and happiness. I didn't believe it myself until I actually had an in-depth discussion with such a lady. Very interesting, and at that time, unfathomable for me. That conversation took place many moons ago; now, I think I'm heading that way myself, LOL.

There are altruistic individuals out there who derive massive joy and happiness from making other people happy in a very non-sexual way. Are they fooling or denying themselves? Not according to their own feelings.

I suppose it would be something akin to being 18 years old, willing and able to ejaculate six times in a row. Judging from your postings, I imagine that you no longer are that guy, Bedspread. So maybe something that was so crucial to you in your adolescent state, may no longer hold the same importance today? I get it sometimes from very young therapy clients - what is crucial to them in their age cohort, is positively meaningless for those who are about 30 years older. So your preferences may also change with time....and yes, that pesky hormone called testosterone.

Sic transit gloria mundi,
the Love Goddess


-- Modified on 4/5/2007 5:56:29 PM

Very good observation on your part Love Goddess.
I am a middle aged male, and I can assure you,
that in my early years of sexual activities,
I was what one could describe, as nothing but a walking hard on! LOL
But now, having grown, or changed in many different aspects. I am more balanced, in that
I desire some kind of emotional connection, with
a sexual overtone, as opposed to the wham blam
slam and thanks, of my ealier years.

Bedspread, my answer to your opening question is: for me, definitely yes.

However, like Trooper 2, for me I'm happiest when sex includes some mutual meaningful emotional connection.

Sometimes my conversation with a woman, and bringing her off sexually, are far more important to me than satisfying myself with her physically.

But I'm an old guy.

BTW LG, I hope you find folk fast to stop your sliding towards celibacy.  We can't imagine you as a nun!

-- Modified on 4/6/2007 7:42:57 PM

That was typically my MO even early on in my youth.  It has not changed.  Some of my favorite sexual memories were made with a friend with benefits.  We loved being with each other and the sex was fantastic. With providers I also tend to seek out some basic connection and comfort.

The frequency and quality (quality includes the connection) is important to my general happiness and joy.  Without the whole enchilada I just am not as content with the other aspects of life.  Its a powerful theme for me.



-- Modified on 4/6/2007 8:12:57 PM

LG,  Glad to hear it!  

I hesitated to write the following, but have decided that, as a seasoned therapist, you must be used to hearing outrageous ideas.  So here goes:

If you lived in Boston rather than LA, I'd sure offer to help you revive those old memories. Hopefully, you'd want to add counter-transference to my transference.

I suspect the many others of us who love you might feel the same way.  We really appreciate what you do.

See my post above
about internet love.

BG

sgandolfs,  I suspect what you write is true.  From what I've read, celibate men and women derive a lot of pleasure from having a sense of control.  "No, I won't let my instincts control me."  

It's kinda like tantric pleasure, but carried on forever, without release.  Although, in fact, I suspect many most celibates eventually release themselves through solitary masturbation.

Some sociologists, promising confidentility, should do a study of this. Maybe LG knows of some who already have.

I hope no Catholic will be offended by this - but I've often wondered, "How often does the pope masturbate?"

I've never voluntarily done the celibacy thing although there have been a couple of long dry spells. LOL

I do fast regularly and I think I understand whay people become celibate when they have other choices. My fasting does in fact give me a measure of conscious control over my decision making. It also alters my perception of what's important and what's not. After 2-3 days, the desire for food almost disappears and it becomes easier to focus on other aspects of life much more deeply. Longest I've ever done was 10 days at a time of real crisis. I'm not sure I could have handled what was going on if I'd had to worry about food also.