SnowPea, If he is seeing a provider, and attempting to deceive you in the process, then I have to agree with you.
When an activity is out in the open, and discussed
between you and him, when honesty is present.
It allows for you to have a say in the matter.

Its the lies and deceit, in that he is attempting
to take away your right to decide what is best for
you.
A better way of expressing my opinion, is that he
wants his cake, and wants to eat it too! This is
not fair to you in the least bit.

but some people have a need for privacy in these matters.

I can understand how you feel, and if he loves you, he should make some accomodation towards your feelings, especially if he wants to keep you.

Just remember that it is a very strong urge to keep sexual matters secret.  Encourage him to be forthcoming without being hostile or threatening and perhaps he'll feel comfortable enough to share more with you.

Good luck with this matter and thanks for sharing it on this board.

Keeping secrets is one way of keeping one's personal power, although not a very healthy one. I think your husband may feel some inadequacies which prevent him from being as honest as he might. If we're honest, then we become more vulnerable to having our inadequacies revealed.

If it's something you'd really be interested in, maybe you could bring up the idea of a threesome with a provider and really get things out in the open.

Whenever something like this comes up, many of the men state they keep their wives in the dark because they truly love them and fear discovery will wreck the marriage.  Yet you have had the courage and tolerance to tell your husband you can live with the hobbying but not the deception.  
It's possible he is still apprehensive, and fears full disclosure would drive you to a breakup and he would be responsible.  Dissembling has all kinds of motivations.
By all means, repeat your offer, suggest counselling if that appeals to you and you can't resolve it one on one, and then if he still won't budge state frankly what affect his evasiveness will have on the marriage.  He'll either come around or he won't, and if he won't you'll at least know you're living with someone who can't face up to a real problem honestly.  
All good wishes to both you and your husband.

Are you nuts?? Your "best friend" and "lover" is screwing high priced call girls. Get a divorce.

Thank you for opinions. Especially Trooper2, wormwood and mrfisher.  I found your comments insightful.  BTW we have discussed 3somes, but not with the inclusion of a provider...who knows what might happen now though

I was actually surprised by the other comments made...here... on this board.  Having sex with someone else doesn't mean he loves me less or finds me less attractive, it means he still has some oats to sow. So my reply to them is this: I'm open and honest and I expect the same from a partner. I understand wanting to explore with other people and I would never want to hold someone back (unless stupidity was involved).  I am confident enough in myself that the question of 'why am I not enough' has never entered my mind. While I haven't slept with anyone else, I couldn't say I would never do it, just haven't felt that primal urge for someone else yet. I probably wouldn't pay for sex though. But I sure the heck would tell him about it when I got home, so he could decide what he wants to do and ask me anything he needs to to feel 'safe'. I do trust him to be safe, but things happen you know 'just this once and accidently'. I'd like to be given that piece of mind.  I would rather have him explore with a provider than find a girl who he has to wine/dine and form some form of relationship with. A dinner or two $wise is equal enough to 1 hour with a provider and would take away a lot more of his and my time together.

Anyways just want to say thanks.

Dear SnowPea,

My second opinion, coming from a professional, is this one: I think your concerns are best explored and worked out in couples counseling. This forum is clearly insufficient for dealing with this issue. In addition, this is a problem both of you must deal with, since you are in fact in a relationship with one another. Your issues demand much more participation from your husband, yourself and a competent therapist, all in the same room, than this forum will ever be able to provide.

For this issue to get resolved, your intertwined lives demand authenticity, straight communication and honest actions. You have both lost trust in one another - he thinks you're "spying" on him, and you want the feeling of "trust" back.

Please seek out a psychotherapist in your area. I am attaching the AASECT website, so that you may find someone non-judgmental and perhaps a little more "open" than the average therapist out there.

Hope things will work out,
the Love Goddess

I didn't buy my husband, I don't own him. Sure, I got him licensed but not neutered

I admire your efforts to be mature about this revelation.  You are right about the lies and denial undermining your relationship but wrong in thinking you can get back what you had before.  Sadly that is gone, there is a grieving but that doesnt mean you cant move forward into something new.  What that something is you are clearly trying to work out but one thing for sure is you cant change him only yourself.  I wouldnt waste your efforts trying to get him to be honest and open about his hobby if he hasnt demonstrated that already even after being found out.  I do agree with the other post by a provider about if you are ok with his hobby then let him do his thing with privacy and space.  What you can do is level the playing field by taking some time to think about your own sexuality, sexual satisfaction, dreams and fantasies, just as he has done.  And do something about that instead of worrying about what he is up to.  Focus on your exploring your own pleasures and maybe the dynamics and perspective will change. It could be very empowering and a new source of confidence, as many men here attest. Just a few thoughts.

My guess is that the husband might be afraid of the wife leaving OR afraid that the wife might want a little taste of his fun.

Snowpea, I am also in a marriage where my wife doesn't mind if I hobby. We have a great relationship! Just like you, she is confident enough in our relatonship, not to be threatened by callgirls. There's a big difference from your situation, though. She doesn't want to know when or who I do it with and I like that because I have some privacy. Now, if she were turned on by it, then I would gladly share, but we both know that she would rather not hear it.

Snowpea,

What's striking to me is:

1. your commendable, brave, unconventional openness

2. But that's combined with a still-traditional viewpoint that you're fully entitled to know what he's doing elsewhere - whom he's sleeping with, and how and when he's doing it!

Are these consistent? Either you really want to give him freedom, or you don't. Fredom and spying - wanting to know everything - are opposites.

It's a little like a mother saying to her son, "It's perfectly OK for you to masturbate. But I want to watch."

Maybe the real issue is #3 - your suggestion that you're not enjoying your sex with him.

If I read your remark correctly, why not? You and he need to figure out what's not going right with the two of you in that area, and start correcting what's missing, fast.

Rather than worrying about what he's doing with other women, maybe you can concentrate more on what you'd like him to do in bed with *you*.

Be very explicit with him about that. As LG says, enlist a family therapist to help you communicate that, if you and he feel that would help.

It's terrific that you 'love and trust' him and will allow him 'freedom', without claiming to 'own him'. But that entails your *not* demanding details about what he does - that's inconsistent. You can tell him, even order him, to play safe - but that's really all.

Instead, why not just demand he do what you want in bed. Get your own needs satisfied. And the hell with what he does with others - when you're really getting your own satisfaction, the others won't matter so much to you [and, paradoxically, he'll probably feel less need to stray, when he's feeling competent performing with you].

I suggest: try going all the way with freedom, not just part way. Show him yu really trust him - and yourself.

Does this make sense?

BG

PS.  I just reread your Post and realize I may have miread your "I'm not the one enjoying it" remark...not paying enough attention to its context.  Assuming that's so, I apologize!

Still feel your focus should be on the two of you together, and not upon what he does with others.

Maybe you could incorporate your understandable curiosity about that in a more positive way, by maybe saying something like, "Let's you and me do together something that you've found exciting elsewhere.  You don't need to tell me with whom and when, just what - so I can try it with you, too."  

If he objects to that, then he's being unreasonable.  But if he complies and you still want more to know more about what happened elsewere, than I think you are.  Just my opinion here, however.  I'm no expert.

A general rule I've found from my non-therapeutic profession is: sometimes you find out more about people by not asking.  People will simply volunteer a lot to someone they trust and feel will be non-judgmental. Strangers on a plane are a familiar example.





-- Modified on 8/10/2007 5:55:38 AM

then leave him alone and allow him to hobby in privacy. Otherwise, divorce his skanky ass!