I happen to know a hard working, really nice gal who could probably date any man she so chose, but is dating a prison inmate. She has a son from a prior marriage with another guy, her son cannot stand the guy, they quarrel and fight all the time.

Indeed, gman60,

It is puzzling, isn't it? When there are so many nice, kind, hardworking men out there who haven't had an ounce of contact with crime. I believe it is a multifactorial issue that depends on the personality of such a woman. Many women control by "caretaking," which in turn is often mistaken for submission; such women like to organize, regulate and "fix" things and/or people...and what would be more gratifying to caretake than a "wounded bird in a cage?" It makes the woman feel useful, helpful, in control, on some level "victorious," not unlike the "you and me against the cruel world" type of scenario. There is a fair amount of "wounded healer" dynamics going on, and a certain amount of personal grandiosity that goes into being the one and only for someone who is shunned and rejected by the majority of society. Oftentimes, these are women who come from a home where there has already been some dysfunction such as substance abuse, depression or other emotionally compromising issues. Many of these women have functioned as parentified children in their families of origin. They can surely be hard-working and good people, but for many deep-seated psychological reasons, dysfunction becomes "attractive."

Some of these women are also quite delusional - perhaps not to a schizophrenic level, but they live in more or less a dream world. They don't want to listen to psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists etc who can attest to the fact that violent criminals really do have anti-social personality disorder [popularly termed "psychopathy."] To these women, the criminals are not just innocent or victims of cruel circumstances - they believe that these men are misunderstood by society at large.

I can assure you that a woman who is self-confident, intelligent, successful and emotionally grounded would not entertain the thought; but give me a woman who is insecurely attached since early childhood and I'll show you someone who could potentially be the one waiting for a long-term jailbird.

Having said that, however, I do want to point out that there is a difference between women who become romantically attracted to violent criminals and women who live in communities where drug arrests and convictions are commonplace. It is not unusual for women living in ghettos to have boyfriends or husbands who have been arrested for various drug-related offenses. In those cases, it may be of benefit for the couple to remain in a relationship while the male is incarcerated, particularly if there are children who need care.

Hope that answers but a small part of a very complex question,
The Love Goddess

They can have their cake and eat it, too.

They can 'date' the bad boy and still know where he is every second of the day. And they know he isn't cheating on her ... at least with a woman Also, when a man is locked up he has all day every day to write long love letters to her and/or call her. Even if it's just them trying to manipulate the woman to do things for them the woman sees it as romantic. It never occurs to the woman that if and when the man gets out things will change drastically and he will not be there for her 24/7 any longer. But as LG said, the women live in a dream world of their own making. Hell, many of us do to some extent.

I have never seen the pay off in dating an inmate, but a lot of women like the drama. I prefer quiet solitude myself.

-- Modified on 1/1/2011 5:13:39 PM

How does one date someone who is incarcerated?

Do they just meet on visiting days?  Does the inmate get furloughs often enough for them to make a relationship work?

Are there conjugal visits?

I've never really heard of such relationships before.

It's nice to know that if the man ever shows up to take me away, I won't necessarily have to give up relationships altogether.

......this has caused a lot of problems with her son. I think it's the hot sex that's keeps Rough T in the game.

Gman60 may have misused the term 'inmate' instead of  'ex-con'.   Otherwise how would Nice Gal's boyfriend and son manage to "quarrel & fight all the time".  

Here's your problem, gman60:  you've got this woman on your mind, but she's attracted to rough trade.  Her motives could be more primal than LG's elegant explanation.  Nice Gal may be attracted to Rough Trade because the sex is really hot and she's not interested in Nice Guys like you.  My explanation and LG's are not necessarily contradictory--both may be true.  

I wonder if you've told us everything about Nice Gal.  Providers are often Nice Gals who like Rough Trade. In my home town, a Nice Gal provider I once booked was recently murdered by her Rough Trade boyfriend.  Whether your Nice Gal is a provider or not, here's my advice to you: stay away from her.  
--z

Happened when I was 18. The guy was a drunk, and prone to violence. Totally ruined my high school graduation party. My younger brother and I tolerated it as long as we could, but when he tried getting violent with me, I immediately packed my things and moved in with my father (as did my brother, who figured it was the best time to also get out of there). We didn't move back home until she finally got rid of the bastard. Worst year of our lives, and that includes living with my father (because we found out we're too similar to tolerate living under the same roof ).

Why did she do it? I suspect self-esteem issues. A single mom, struggling to raising two boys on her own (my parents divorced when I was five), fell for the first guy to lavish praise and attention on her. She was an easy mark, and the asshole took full advantage of it. The stories I could tell...

To date, this scumbag is the only person with whom I have ever held a grudge. I'm not one to wish violence on anyone, but in the case of this creep, I hope his drunken ass ended up dead in a ditch somewhere. Quite frankly, a fate like that is better than he deserves.