What are your thoughts on a married man using a provider? I have been married for 6 years now to a woman that I love very much and still enjoy being around (believe it or not). The problem is that for about a year she has had little to no interest in having sex or being intimate.  I have actually tried to talk to her about my concerns, without attacking her or being accusing, yet still not response. I’m 28 years old and still feel that I’m in my prime.  My fear is that by the time my wife comes around I’ll need the blue pill to get the damn thing up. In life and business I have always been a person of action, which has lead me to this website and your forum. So here are some questions.

Do providers frown upon meeting married men; is it taboo?

Shades of Gray: Where are the lines drawn for faithfulness? I don’t want to leave her but I am being denied a human need (intimacy). So do I fallow the herds of married men and complain and be resentful toward my wife (losers), or do I continue to love and enjoy my wife and simple use a provider for a service?

By the way, didn’t most of the men in the bible have multiple wives?

Dear cptmart,

You've asked some very pertinent and interesting questions. Unfortunately [or fortunately, in my view] only you can answer them. I will give you some stats though: in their rudimentary poll archives, TER established that about 50% of its users are married men. In addition, 43% of all Americans have some kind of sexual dysfunction; in men, it's usually related to erectile dysfunction or ejaculatory issues. Guess what it is in women - HSDD, i.e. Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder.

Now, there are many ways to interpret that last diagnosis. For feminists, they will simply state that our way of measuring sexual desire is modeled along the male libido [with some patriarchy thrown in for good measure.] For those who subscribe to some version of evolutionary psychology [yup, that would be yours truly], we see it as a biological issue and not a helluva lot that can be done about it, despite all the sex manuals and equality in this world. Men's and women's appetitive sexual desires are dissimilar, much because of the presence of so much more testosterone in males. As an example, I offer female-to-male transsexuals. Here are women who have been socialized as females, hearing all the moralistic propaganda against sexing it up too much, just like most people in America. And what happens when said females start administering T? They get horny as hell! They go from 0 to 60, if you get my drift. And it doesn't take a long time either. Within a few weeks, these males-in-becoming are jacking off, checking out women [or men if they are gay], and in general behaving like teenaged appropriately sexed boys.

So with all that, I can only tell you that if you expect your wife to get all hot and bothered and match your 28 year old male sex drive, keep looking. It ain't gonna happen, it's a biological impossibility. Now, having said that, does it mean that you can't have fun in the sack? Hell no, it just means it probably won't be as often as you may want it.

Which leads to your question if providers frown upon meeting married men. The answer is, in short, HELL NO! THEY DIG IT! What they don't want, is a married man to fall in love with them and become a pest. That will definitely compromise the provider-hobbyist boundaries. But married men are the bread and butter of the provider business, mostly because these guys get sick and tired of waiting around for next ovulation to happen in their wives. So you're totally safe in the married hobbyist role. Just provide the required screening information, answer honestly if the provider asks you if you're married [she may actually feel more safe if this is the case, it proves that you're not some delusional nut who's going to trail her around after the appointment is over], and enjoy your sexual experiences.

As to your next questions: This is something for you to work on, either by yourself or with your wife in therapy, should you be so disposed. Personally, [and I REALLY mean this PERSONALLY], I think it's absolute folly to get married before you're at least 35 and have sown your wild oats. Heck, at 28 you've only been out of college for 6 years at best, unless you're pursuing graduate studies. Do you seriously think that you're going to remain faithful to the same woman for the rest of your life? The stats are against you, no matter where you turn.

And yes, the men in the Bible had multiple wives...and some men in some cultures still do. But this is NOT the same thing, and let's not confuse visiting prostitutes with marrying two wives. If it were me, I'd stick with the providers and not even worry about the polygamous idea. Plus, I'm virulently anti-religious, so I don't really give a rat's ass about the Bible [sorry if I'm offending here, but I prefer to be brutally honest about such things.] Any references to various religious tracts, texts and orthodox traditions of any persuasion when it comes to sexuality will be met by my deepest contempt. There, now that's out!

You want to have my most hedonistic, Satanic, Black Sabbath-AC/DC-rocker advice: Fuck your brains out, whenever, with whomever, wherever. And do it sooner than later, lest the years tick away and you find yourself bitterly wanting to turn back the clock.

Back in Black On a Highway to Hell, for sure,
the Love Goddess

So, you’re saying I should rock out with my cock out, got it.

Please get over your fear of needing the little blue pill, etc.  While men hit their peak of desire and physiologic function sexually in their teens(remember those feverish days when you could think of little but sex) many of us find that we get better and better at it and enjoy it more as we get older up to a point.  I can't tell you what that point is since it depends on your health etc, but in my mid 60s, it is an important and joyful part of my life.  Many of my patients, significantly older than I am, still enjoy active sex lives.  Even if it comes (no pun intended) to using the blue pill, which I do occasionally when I want to go a long time and repeat frequently,I also use medication to control my cholesterol and blood pressure. Whatever you decide, I hope you can do so guilt free.

and have found that my sexual enjoymnent increases as my performance ability decreases.  I have a similar problem in that I am looking for something, but I have no intention of giving up my wife of 43 years.

and let me tell you, with all the concubines and such, it was pretty damn good.

Just read the book Song of Solomon in the bible.

The person I am describing is Bev Fisher, she was Bathsheeba back then.

At 28 you have a real long way to go. There are a lot of providers and I am sure that you can find some that meet your needs.

I think that depends on your interpretation of "Prime". I'm more than twice your age, and I think I'm in my prime. Can I get it up at the drop of a hat, as I could in my 20's? Not likely! Can I pound away all night, as I could in my 20's? Hell no! BUT Do I enjoy sex more now than when I was in my 20's? You bet your sweet ass I do! Can I do more now to satisfy a woman sexually? Well, I'd like to think I can, and I don't think that's too far off base.

As far as being a married hobbyist, (I think) most providers feel safer with married men for many reasons.

Multiple wives??? YIKES! You have one that's not fucking you now. Do you really want two? Wow, talk about a honey-do list!

Enjoy the ride, my friend. Believe me, it gets better as time goes by. Run with it.

My friend, you love your wife and that is a good thing.  Just like some women think they will change their husband after they get married and find out otherwise, you need to get over the idea that somehow she's going to "come around".  

I thought that way for years, did everything I could to please her, paid extra special attention to the things that she said were important, wanted to make sure that I pleased her in bed, but it never made her want sex any more.  Some women have a low sex drive and that's just the way it is.  I got extremely frustrated, even went to see a couples therapist and it didn't matter.  I felt resentment, but I didn't want to divorce and deal with all of that negativity as I had with my first wife when I was clearly too young.

So first I had an affair.  It reassured me that it wasn't that I wasn't desireable or reasonably able as a sexual partner.  But the hiding of that and where it was going, scared me off.

Then I discovered the hobby.  The ladies thrive on married guys who aren't getting what they want at home.  I have stopped for periods but I keep coming back, because I know I am more satisfied after hobbying rather than worrying whether I missed the one time during a month when my wife would have wanted it.

If you love her and can see yourself with her long into the future, then join the hobby with no regrets.  Many of us have been there ourselves.

If you can't picture your life moving in that direction, then I think you may need to see a divorce lawyer because the chances she is going to "come around" are virtually nil.

Mike22,

I appreciate your comments! You defiantly touched on the point of my posting. My comments about the blue pill and multiple wives were not meant to be taken literally like others seem to have thought.

Has this hobby been beneficial for you/your marriage?  Are there any downfalls in your experience?

When you said, "I think it's absolute folly to get married before you're at least 35 and have sown your wild oats," LG, I would be interested in how you would solve the problem of fertility. If people waited until after 35 to get married, fertility rates would go way down and not enough children would be born to replace the parents. You're a student of science, biology, and evolution, so you know that around age 20 is about ideal for the healthiest children. Biologically, it's not natural to delay offspring until you are "old." I don't see how your advice could work, unless you advocate having children without the benefit of marriage or your advice applies only to men.

Did I say marriage or did I say childbearing? Since when must the two go hand in hand? I'm discussing a legal institution that encourages some pledge of staying "faithful" and you're discussing fertility. Two clearly SEPARATE ISSUES. It is entirely possible to stay unmarried and have LOADS of children. If you don't believe me, look around the world. Zillions of single moms of all ages, single fathers of kids obtained from different mothers...who's talking fertility here???????

And for your information, fertility rates ARE going down in a majority of countries, not because people are necessarily marrying later, but because of family planning and contraceptive education having some effect.

As for me being an "advocate having children without the benefit of marriage" - I'm an advocate of skipping or delaying marriage as an institution altogether. Many countries in Western Europe, in their infinite wisdom, have made marriage completely immaterial when it comes to children's rights in their parents' relationship. Unfortunately the United States is stuck in some archaic system where marriage confers many benefits on those who are willing to conscript themselves into this often meaningless institution. And that includes involving the hapless offspring, regrettably.

Fertility, fecundity, fallacy,
the Love Goddess

We didn't take your comments about the blue pill literally.  We all understand how it feels to be your age and worry that you are stuck and life risks to pass you by.  (This really hits in your early forties.) We were just trying to suggest that you are at the beginning of things not near the end and not on a fixed path.  It is therefore important for you to get comfortable where you are but without being anxious about things.  I am glad some of the comments helped.  Good luck.

Very interesting!! Thanks, LG, for clarifying your position on childbearing in relationship to marriage. I knew you were writing about marriage, but I did want you to expound on your beliefs in regards to childbearing since, as you said, Americans see the two as being integral.

I think we all knew that his comments about two wives and the blue pill were tongue in cheek. I hope he does realize that it can be a wonderful journey. The best is yet to come.

It is hard to answer in just one way.

The upside is that I don't worry about whether I'm getting any from her any more.  I don't feel the same level of resentment that I once did.  There is no feeling on my part that we should divorce.  Once in a while, we make love in the position of her choice.  I don't question it or make a demand that she is not going to fulfill.  She hates DATY but I get that from another, so I am satisfied.

The downside is that I have to act like my sex drive has dropped to her level, when that is far from the truth.  I have to hide the messages, account for the money spent, arrange for time and have a sensible excuse.  And I have to keep a very intimate secret from the person I am supposed to be most intimate with.  I know that should she discover my secret, the marriage would be instantly over.  

In the end, it has saved my marriage from ending in divorce over lack of appropriate levels of intimacy.  I can rationalize my participation in the hobby as a satisfactory compromise between obviously mismatched sexual desires.  I regret nothing except that I wish we were better matched in that area.

And maybe it is unfair and hypocritical, given my straying from the vows of marriage, but if I ever found that she had cheated on me, it would be over.  I went this route because she chose to withhold.  If she had been more willing, I probably would not have chosen the path.  Therefore, I can rationalize that if she would give it away for free to another, then I would hold it against her.

I would ask you one question, why are you staying with her since you two are on such different sheets of music sexually?  Children?  Economics?  All are valid reasons for 'hanging in there' - to a point.  

I married young and my first wife lost most of her appeal and desire for sex from becoming 'Mommy' instead of a lover.  I suffered through years of unhappiness and using providers for some passion - or at least to get a bbbjcim which no 1 never did!  I left her when I could afford to 1. support the kids and 2. support ME without living in a trailer park!  

After a few pretty good years of being single and playing with a broad spectrum of women I found one that I thought was perfect.  A real minx in bed, attractive, didn't want kids etc.  We married and had 10 good years of hot sex till SHE melted down over some emotional issues and stopped desiring sex very often.  So its back to using providers.  I've had affairs along the way but most were more trouble than they were worth.  At this point in my life, 'starting over' after a divorce and ALL it entails is just too painful to contemplate.

With a provider the rules are pretty clear; its a mutual agreement for sex only.  That doesn't mean you can't enjoy her company nor does it exclude a certain level of friendship if you see the same one repeatedly.  But it is what it is.  

My bottom line is that your spouse is unlikely to rekindle her drive anytime before the change and its a crapshoot to see if she does even then.  Move on!  
MVR

PS The question I would love to hear an HONEST answer to from a group of women would be 'Would you rather your hubby:
1.) Divorced you  
2.) Had love affairs with women you might or might not know
3.) Used a provider for 'safe sex'

My experience tells me that most women would come up with a 4th alternative - Gee honey, tell me when you feel the need, I'm sure we can work it out, you know you can always jerk off.  Why are you so sexed up anyhow?

dude, getting married is the kiss of death....hopefully u r not paying for everything

It is as if I wrote this myself!  My situation is identical to Mike's although I'm not as far along as he is.  I'm still in the 'uncomfortable' stage.
Can certainly agree with all you said Mike.