Since my first time with a provider back in November of last year, I have had no success with orgasm while in the act of sex with a women. I've been in the act 4 times since Nov. I can perfectly ejaculate with no problem during masturbation, while doing it alone, even more than once, but can't orgasm with a lady yet.

Since the problem, I have posted here about it. The details given to me did not help, but it gave me an idea of why I was not having an orgasm with women. I found out it was called retarded ejaculation.

I did searches for the problem on google, and there seemed to little information to the problem. After some more searching around I found this forum. There are 80 pages of discussion on this problem dating back to 2004.

I am posting this for the guys that also have the same problem as me, and also for some insight on this subject in case anyone has anything to help me with.

http://psychforums.com/viewforum.php?f=168

-- Modified on 2/15/2009 5:43:55 AM

Dear Zaraki,

I'm wondering if you have followed my plan, which states NO MASTURBATION FOR 30 DAYS, sometimes up to 45-60 days. The fact that you can orgasm/ejaculate during masturbation is exactly the point. You need to stop masturbating for a while so that the atypical behavior is stopped. During this period of non-masturbatory activity, you will need to meet with a live female for as many times as you can afford it.

Secondly, I'm wondering if you followed my advice stating to meet with the same lady (being attracted to her is a prerequisite of course) so that you can gain some familiarity with her body, scent, movements, etc. This is important, if only for the relaxation and habituation in a situation that is not common for you.

While meeting with the same woman (who by now should be clued in to the problem,) you'll need to PRACTICE. Patience is key here - no rushing toward orgasm, no focusing on it mentally, just easing into things like handjobs, blowjobs (without condom if you can take the risk) and maybe even pulling out and coming on her body, face etc., while she is masturbating you.

The issue is that you no longer are solely responsible for your own orgasms. You'll need to give up control of those, otherwise they will be forever locked to your own execution.

Please stop masturbating for 30 days, this is key,
the Love Goddess

I've been involved in these discussions the last couple of years. Once I was able to hold out for 11 days. That still did no good. In almost 3 years, I have never climaxed vaginally (unless you count a squirt of pre-cum), and only twice have come with a HJ. My ATF thinks I have dry orgasms. It is time to tell her the truth and swear an oath of abstinence between my memberand my hand. I have an appointment next Thursday. I will have gone without for 7 days. In the past, I would have come home and jerked off 4 times in the next two days. This time, I must tell myself not to. I will attempt to extend my abstinence for as long as it takes. LG's suggestions and her admonition that "you no longer are solely responsible for your own orgasms. You'll need to give up control of those, otherwise they will be forever locked to your own execution"--are some of the best advice I've read here.

Zaraki: I had the same problem when I was a young man;  I don't know if this will help you, but it helped  me.  This involves a bit of technique, so the passage below will be fairly explicit:  You're not getting enough friction on your cock during intercourse; that's why masturbation works for you but not intercourse.  

Remember the dirty joke "Doing pushups on the old lady" (?) Try the 'Push Up' method.  Next time you're having sex and think you're ready for orgasm,  go into missionary and place both your hands palm down on the mattress, shoulder-width, as if you're doing push ups on the bed.  Your partner will be under you, your hands just below her armpits. Then push forward instead of up, short fast thrusts, your upper weight supported by your hands & forearms.  This is the best way I know to get the right friction on the cock to trigger orgasm.  

This may seem obvious, but there's so much secrecy & shame regarding sex in our society, sometimes you just have to spell-things-out.  Good luck.  --z    

 

but LG's advice is shoter clearer and completely to the point.

before i began to visit professional companions i had gone a number of years without anything but my hand. my first visit was a a wonderful sensual experiencebut no O.

i applied a program similar to what LG proposes and went back to the same provider and succeeded after an heroic effort on her part in BBBJ.

after that there was no difficulty in achieving an orgasm except the occasional dry orgasm on a first attempt. (THAT turned out to be due to an enlarged prostate.)

back to the point: find ONE attractive, patient provider, explain the situation bluntly. she may even have dealt with someone who had a similar problem before. follow LGs advice. it's worth it.

Reiterating What LG said,  don't masturbate!  However, I do find looking at seductive porn to the point of erection and pre-cum helps me sometimes in retarded orgasm by envisioning some of my favorite scenes during piv sex.
My suggestions are similar to ones I've suggested for performance anxiety:

Find a provider who is seductive and you have great chemistry with and book several date sessions for progressive 'as it happens' progress toward sex.

Start out with a dinner date in a secluded booth where with her eyes, hands, and kisses just tease the hell outta you at dinner.  Either stop there or consider going back to the room for a tease/explore session where you explore and tease her body at great length.  A lot of time then and at future sessions focusing on her body and enjoyment will be arousing on it's own and may take some of the orgasm pressure off of you.

Schedule a few more sessions where you only kiss, seduce and tease.  At some point when you are so hot you can't stand it anymore, enter her but only for a few strokes and stop.  Even if you are dying to continue -  stop.  If you are so aroused you can't stand it, have her tease you further with hand job, perhaps to completion.

But go in to each session with the intent of not having complete sex.  When you get so aroused it just has to happen and however it happens- whether by hand, mouth, grinding or camel slide, or sex.... then give it a try, but let the arousal be the guide on when, not desire to orgasm.

When you do engage in vaginal penetratino intercourse, never stick with one activity long.  If it is going more than just a couple mintues, stop and go back to some other kind of arousing activity.. and by this I mean primarily teasing touches and licks.

Also, 'lazydog' position is very helpful to me... where she is lying down on her stomach.... give me much more stimulation to the penis, seems to allow more up and down pressure on the penis in addition to in and out.  

The one sure orgasm killer for me is to try harder and harder at same activity or her trying harder and harder.....  gets self defeating quickly because the thought of trying to get off starts and that as you already know is no good.  

Also in penetration, I vary all over the place from faster to long slow strokes, to pressuring down toward her ass or up toward her clit and g spot, grab her ass and go long slow strokes.... as much variation and multiple tactile stimuli as possible.

I don't always have orgasm in covered penetration.  Regardless, I have thoroughly enjoyed every session because of the fun I have exploring her body, spending lots of time getting her off in oral, finding her hot spots.  And as time has evolved, orgasm now happens about 90% of the time, and often when we have both teased each other in to such a frenzy that the resulting sex is eye popping!

Another thought is if you enjoy porn, spend a couple sessions just watching porn with her and fondling/teasing each other during.

If you are embarrassed about asking a provider to schedule such sessions.... DON'T BE!  Believe me... any good provider and for that matter probably most providers would love to be paid for easy sessions!  Also two hour or longer instead of hour sessions takes the time pressure off.

Hope that helps!

I do not think the stimulation is the problem.

Remember I can orgasm anytime when I am alone, but when it comes to a partner, I cannot orgasm. Even when masturbating with my own hand in front of the partner I still cannot. This rules out stimulation because I am using my own hand for stimulation yet it does not work the same way when I am alone.

The problem is most likely, because I have looked at porn since I was in the 5th grade. Started to masturbate, and look at porn in the 6th grade until now.(Not old, under the age of 25) I believe that the combination of porn, and masturbation has made this happen to me. I stopped masturbating for about 10-13 days prior to my recent session, but I still did not cum. I did not stop looking at porn though, I only stopped myself from having an orgasm during those 10 days. I also think that because I have never had a relationship with anyone may also contribute to the problem somehow. I am not ashamed of telling people that I have not orgasmed yet with a lady, but I can only tell hobbyists/providers because I've only had providers as partners.

I will stop watching porn, and masturbating for 20 days before my next session, and I'll see what happens.

follow my instructions exactly as I have specified, in order for this to work. Remember - no masturbation (obviously the porn has to be cut out completely), keep meeting with the same lady over and over again, and no touching yourself, even in front of the partner. Let her do it, please.

30 days masturbation-free, no porn, same lady as often as possible, do NOT touch yourself at all,
the Love Goddess

" do NOT touch yourself at all"

Methinks Zaraki is going to have some interesting times in the bathroom for the next month.

Logistics, logistics...

But seriously, Zaraki, perhaps if you start out with the provider by kind of guiding her on how best to manually stimulate you.  This is, of course, after all of the juicy attendant foreplay.

My uneducated guess is that you need to break the link between your genital stimulation and the corresponding feedback through your hand.  Maybe if your provider does the genital stimulation while you let your hands roam over her, you can kind of wean yourself off the feedback loop.  Try keeping your eyes shut at first to reduce the amount of distracting sensory input.

Of course, this is just my 1.5 cents worth.

Sometimes the journey can be more enjoyable than the destination. Focus on enjoying the journey.

"I did not stop looking at porn though, I only stopped myself from having an orgasm during those 10 days"

Sounds like it all depends on your definition of "sex". Did you stimulate your self but stopped short of O? I think the point is not to stimulate yourself at all.

Whatever you do dont give up. I know for a fact you can do it, i was one of you!! LG is incredible...i did pretty much what she suggested and FIREWORKS!! I think the key is relaxing with someone so that no matter what the outcome it is enjoyable. I know you want to reach the final destination...but sometimes if you focus on that too much instead of just how good everything feels you will get stressed and nervous etc.. just try to feel the sensations. Also finding someone who is caring and understanding goes without saying : ) keep reaching out, you are in my positive thoughts!! Namaste.

LG__I figure this is a good time for some help on related subject. I am now offically 65 as of 2 days ago and take high blood pressure meds. I did a quintuple heart by-pass afetr dropping dead 15 years ago. However after that time and on the same meds I had "fuck buddies" 10 to 39 years younger than me and had no problems. I could go for hours--cum--keep going or take break and go again --no brag-just fact. Last 3 years or so I can masturbate for hours if I have the time on the same hard or cum and 10-15 minutes later it is aching hard; however, when it comes to a live person it will not come up. Rarely get more than a minor gut feeling. For the last year or so I have been fascinated with real TS's and have developed a fascination with peckers only on TS's. I recently went on a one week vacation to NO with the intent to call a provider and anonymously seeing what it was like. Well I oraled two only and oraled and was topped by two on three separate occasions in 2 1/2 day. Even though I was insatiable--I mean I wanted them lined up literally to service them or be topped--not once did I get hard. But after all was said and doone and before I checked out I masturated with an iron rod to completion with no problems.  Straighten me back out (pun intended) and you will truly be a Love Goddess. Thanks

Dear TS_BEAU,

Let's see if even I can get this straight, (pun intended as well):

You had serious health issues, surgeries and are now on BP meds - notorious for wrecking anyone's sexual capacity. Still, you made it through quite gallantly for the past 15 years. Now you're 65 and can't get erect with "a live person," but you can masturbate and orgasm several times in a row. You are fascinated with preop transsexual women and have had some great experiences involving their penises - but you didn't get hard.

OK, then stop masturbating for 45 days and see where it leads you. Masturbating for hours rarely leads to rapid ejaculation, in fact, this is how PE's are treated - prolong, prolong. You certainly don't need that at this point. In addition, do not watch porn or engage in any way sexually while alone. Instead, see as many providers as possible during this time, TS or not. You need to rewire your brain from self-sufficiency and hand over the controls to your partner, whoever that may be. As for the TS aspect itself - this is not for us to question but to accept, and for you to enjoy. Life is short - why interfere with enjoyment? If all of a sudden penises turn you on, GO WITH IT. Just use protection like a sensible person, don't get involved with drugs or pimps, and you'll be fine. As a sex-positive clinician, I say count your blessings; so many men have problems with BP meds, erectile dysfunction and low self-esteem as a result of these issues. You on the other hand are experiencing real sexual highs with new and exciting women. So what if they have penises? Big deal. Remember that some guys are into female bodybuilders who in my opinion are way more masculine than some lovely TS ladies. Penises are fun body parts - I of all people should know. And finally, let's not equate acts with identity. Michel Foucault, bless his soul, hammered away at this point for decades.  

But no mas masturbation por favor, give up control of the joystick,
the Love Goddess

''Methinks Zaraki is going to have some interesting times in the bathroom for the next month.''
That was funny also made me think about the Seinfeld episode where they all made bets seeing who could go the longest without

I have recently started hobbying and have seen 2 providers in the past 30 days.  In each session I have had erections but not strong ones.  I think as I see these ladies I will develop a stronger bond.
i think men need to have a connection.  I have a massage therapist
that I see regularly.  She gets me hard as a rock before finishing me.  I go to strip clubs and am hard all the time with my regulars.
I really feel that when a man has an ATF it really helps or someone they regularly see. I think seeing someone that you connect with the hard ones will be awsome...

Thanks for the tips everyone.
I have found a provider that is caring, and all that stuff. But the problem is I do not even want to meet her again for some reason. I had 2 sessions with her. I felt the first session was amazing even though I did not O. The second one, just seemed different somehow, not as exciting. It seemed dull.

Guess I gotta keep searching for someone that I REALLY like, and stick with her.

I think that LG's advice is good, except I fear that many, if not most hobbyists can't afford to see a provider more than once in a 30 day period. I'm guessing that this plan would not be effective under this circumstance? It would seem like having only one sexual outlet in 30 days would be pretty brutal.

Hey TS-Beau...I want to know how you came back to life after dropping dead 15 years ago.

Now, THAT's something that should have gotten everyone's attention.