Hi fellow hobbyists.  I'm hoping someone can lend me some much needed perspective.

A part of me has fallen in love with a provider I have known for a while.  This is my emotional side.  She is a very sweet woman.  She has a child from a previous boyfriend that is no longer in her life and is trying to provide a normal life for this child.  I assume she is working in the industry for the money.  My emotional side wants to be with her and help her out.

Intellectually, I know this can almost definitely never be.  I think I should talk to a professional.  What I am feeling may not be love but a complex combination of other emotions.

Any advice?

Well, spidey71,
Since you think you should go talk to an outside professional, why not do it...particularly since what you are feeling "may not be love but a complex combination of other emotions." What those are, we don't know from your posting.

This professional, however, believes you have a few options. One of them would be to simply tell her that you have fallen for her and see how she responds. Another would be to talk yourself down from your emotional platform and realize, "intellectually," that "this can almost definitely never be." A third alternative would be to break off seing her altogether and start meeting with other women. All of these options are available to you and no one can decide for you on what to do.

Postings of this nature appear on this board with regular frequency. One thing you can tell yourself is that it's very human to fall in love with someone who you are seeing for sexual services, and that you certainly are not alone. By the same token, it is quite rare that these relationships progress from a paid to a non-paid relationship, simply because there are issues of dependence/independence/jealousy/intimacy/finances and many other factors that complicate a union between a woman who engages in sex regularly with other men, and a man who has to accept this on a very deep level. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it is quite rare.

Again, if you feel that you need to work out some deeper issues that may play into this particular situation, then yes, do see a therapist to explore what may be at the bottom of it all.

Consider your options, please,
the Love Goddess

Well LG gave you sound advice.  So for me step 1 would be LG's idea to evaluate the rational reasons you feel this cannot work devoid of emotion. You could write them down on a sheet of paper listing all the reasons you know this can almost never be. Can you then refute those arguments with logic and reason instead of pure emotion? It's so much fun to fantasize about a wonderful relationship where you live happily with this nice woman but is it realistic? Relationships are hard enough in the best of circumstances.

If the practical reasons this cannot work out are just too much for a real relationship why not as LG suggests see others. You may possibly also be able to see her and enjoy your relationship with a new more realistic perspective. In other words she can be your ATF you have special feelings for. That way you do not have to lose her companionship and make each other miserable trying for a real relationship that is unlikely to succeed. Is that possible?

If you decide after reading your list that a real relationship with her is possible then I would do what LG said and talk to her about your feelings and see how she responds. Just remember she may not react the way you think or want her too.
Last but not least my rule of thumb for when to got to therapy is something I heard in a workshop one time.  Basically it goes like this.  If life is one damn thing after another then your life is going well  If its the same damn thing over and over again then you may need therapy  Translation, if you have a problem and work through it on your own and learn from it then life is good and you move on to the next challenge.  If you have the same problem or pattern of behavior/emotions over and over again that significantly interferes with your life consider therapy. Thats a little simplistic but something to consider.

One last thing. If you do go to therapy unfortunately some therapists are judgemental about things like guys seeing providers. So choose carefully and if you get a negative vibe dump them and see someone else.

Good Luck!







-- Modified on 10/19/2008 3:10:21 AM

-- Modified on 10/19/2008 3:13:46 AM

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:14:48 AM

I note you are posting with your TER handle but have not reviews - does this mean you are a newbie?  If so, you are, I think by default and by lack of experience, gullible.  Some providers let you know exactly where you can get on and where you can get off - others...well, they may want to hook you emotionally and, quite frankly, fuck with your big head while their only intention is to make you part with as much cash as possible.

I hate to be so blunt, but I have been there and done that.  Becoming involved with a sex worker has all kinds of complex implications.  And she is a sex worker.  Remember, love is blind, and you'll find anyway to reach justification.

The thing which is conspicuous to me, is that you are not mentioning anything about the lady - has she started mentioning sweet nothings to you?  Has she told you she misses you?  

Personally, I think the best barometer of a provider's affection is whether or not she is willing to take you off the clock.  I think the best way to frame her intentions is to realize very firmly that if you pay her, you are a client - nothing else.  And believe me if she wants to take you off the clock, she will leg you know.

I had a lady who was providing UTR and I paid her many times for our time.  Then one day she told me she wanted to take me off the clock - you know what - I didn't want to because it signaled to me she wanted more from the relationship than I could give.  My natural response - I never took her up on that offer and haven't seen her in a couple of months.  I do believe you risk a similar, but inverted fate.

So, it's really up to you.  The universe will give back to you what you want it to.  You continue to go down the current path, well you could be setting yourself up for an emotional mega-cluster fuck of monumental proportions.  Maybe you like the roller coaster ride?  Maybe you don't?  But if you don't, then retreat back within your hobbying boundaries....or...stop seeing her.

Sorry for the blunt speak, but it is what it is.

Best,

BS

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:15:52 AM

Follow your heart and your gut. F($# EVERYthing that disagrees with either. It's that simple. And part of you knows it.

You've gotten a lot of good suggestions.   Bottom line, though I'm a newbie here, I've fallen for a stripper earlier in my hobby days and it's pretty much just doomed to failure - as there are so many emotional overlays - not the least being jealousy.
Good luck.

But we all choose our path based on life experiences so go for it Avalon!

-- Modified on 10/22/2008 5:13:19 PM

I think human souls suffer from the inability of listening to our intellect versus our desires - before we trust our intuition.  I so agree with what you are saying, I just don't think it's always "that simple".

I wish it were.

Best,

BS

-- Modified on 10/23/2008 7:07:30 AM

I tend to fall in love or get crushes on every woman I like. Maybe I'm different, but the way that I handle it is just to ignore the feeling and pretend it doesn't exist. After a few months, it always calms down.

My advice is to be honest with yourself and your lady and don't ever doubt that you might also be in love.  Caring about someone, her situation, is not a bad thing; what you want to know, though, is: are you possibly co-dependent? versus actually truly in love?  sometimes, we may never know.
It is not impossible to be in love with a provider, and to have that provider also love you in return.....anything can happen in life, everything is possible. It has happened to many such couples, trust me: i know from first hand experience: miracles do also happen.

all the best to you, and don't ever be hard on yourself for loving or caring for someone.