I was thinking the other day that hobbying and trying to keep it a secret is a hard thing to do. Sometimes you would like to tell a close friend but loose lips sink ships, and if wife or girlfriend finds out we deny it. It's a good thing the media circus doesn't follow us around. L.G. what do you think about us hobbists keeping it secret?

i have a good friend that I initial met through one of the boards chat rooms that I now frequently IM with.  We've even met to have a drink, although we live in different cities.  It's really great to be able to share opinions, experiences, etc.

I have a long-time close friend who I was out for drinks with one night and asked if "I have ever paid for it."  I had been playing in this hobby for a few years at that point and I trust him like a brother so I said yes.  To make a long story short, that was 10 years ago and he is now as active as I am in the hobby.  I told him of my experiences, how much I enjoy it, how I go about it, etc.   He is as much or more of a brother to me as ever but now we have even more to talk about than before.

The bottom line is that a trusted friend who doesn't judge you is important and sharing your experiences, doubts, questions, frustrations, etc. is great to have and probably a very healthy thing.

You can probably meet someone on TER by looking over local reviewers and then PMing them.  I have a TER buddy who I PM often and we may, at some point, meet for a beer.

Keep it a secret from everyone else.  You don't want to sink any ships!

Heavy weighs the truth, nutandbolt,

Dostoyevsky wrote an incredible novel around it - Crime and Punishment, a masterpiece.

I think secrecy and the need to unburden oneself are issues very particular to each individual. Some men are able to have 100% secret lives away from the family [I'm not saying this is healthy, just that it does happen,] and when they are inside the Pearly Gates, stuff gets uncovered, to everyone's shock and dismay.

Other men need to confide in at least one person who can share the burden. We had a similar thread on this a while back, and people had all sorts of strategies to offer. Obviously, an easy way out would be finding a likeminded friend here on TER. The anonymity of the Internet can surely provide an extra buffer.

As to telling a close friend...how close? The interesting issue here is that most of our friends know us from a very morally "upstanding" perspective, particularly if we've met them through activities that involve families and children. Of course, we all know that hypocrisy runs deep, and that everyone picks his/her nose when no one is looking. The problem with hobbying is that it seems to have such negative character implication and if your friend is partnered, he may tell his wife or SO. And then there may be snickering, tongue-wagging, etc. And yes, there may be circuitous disclosure to your wife, girlfriend, etc.

Someone in the thread way back had a single friend in whom he could confide. Seemed to work for him. Others use the boards. It's a tricky issue. I'm still reveling in the Aussie couple a few threads down. That's really negotiating on a 100% transparent level. But just like seeing a koala walk down 5th Avenue, I think they are a fairly rare phenomenon in the marital world. Yes, most people would be immensely hurt by the disclosure and it would surely rock the marriage.

I don't want to play matchmaker here, but...I think there are some FINE FELLOWS on this very board, with whom you would be able to PM. Read through the threads and shoot one of them a line.

I bet you'll get a nice reply,
the Love Goddess

Good and important points.  I have sometimes felt that the only thing missing on these threads was  honest views from wives or civvie girl friends.  YET, I think that opening up to them would FAR OUTWEIGH the benefits and, sad to say, bad for all of us.  Certainly many wives could benefit from the revelations and honesty on these boards, but I fear we are condemned to the heavy burden of secrecy in almost all cases.  I tell no one of my hobbying and would not even write a review UNLESS the provider was unusually good or bad and what I wrote added significantly to what others had already said.  I try to pick a few highly-regarded providers and so far all of them have said, "your call on writing a review, but I don't need it and would prefer not."
I'd like to share the revelations I have experienced with super providers with people close to me, but it wouldn't work and would cause a lot of unnecessary trouble.

I've been thinking about this topic alot - I've been getting my toes wet with the hobby for about the past year and only seen a couple of providers.

But the thought did occur to me this is something I really cannot talk with anybody about.  I've wondered about maybe saying something about it to a couple of close friends, but it just seems like a line that I'm not going to cross.

Maybe we should start a support group...maybe a private forum like the ladies have where we can say whatever we want...

Maybe something that should be on the *to do* list here at TER...

I had good luck doing exactly what LG suggests.  I sent a e-mail to someone whose well-written reviews I admired.  We began corresponding and have met a few times for lunch, and write each other candidly our thoughts on many things, cabbages and kings, mostly related to the hobby, but also other things.  It's terrific to have a friend who shares this interest!

I've lived in England for the past 18 months.  A couple of months before I relocated, I met one of the top indies in my US home.  She was curious about my potential move.  At our second meeting, the week before my departure, I asked if she minded it I kept in touch via email.  She said sure, she'd love to here from me.

So after sharing a couple of my ridiculous experiences (a load of laundry trapped in the dryer for four days, and finding out the hard way that men don't wear fanny packs here), she always responded with encouragement.  So then I told her of my first hobby experience here.  She said she enjoyed learning about how the hobby works in the UK.  I struck gold, an interested, understanding, and supportive ear for me to share with.

Over the months, I've contacted her about twce a month - sometimes with hobby details, but more often with simply what is going on with me.  I've always made it clear that if ever she thought I was wasting her time, just let me know.  She keeps telling me to write away, and is faithful to respond.

I wish everyone could find the type of friend in the hobby I have.

Being able to confide your experiences as a hobbyist to another provider with whom you are close is one wonderful reason to cultivate such a relationship.

Bev and I talk about this openly all the time to our mutual benefit.

This is something I had also always missed before we started to go together.

-- Modified on 2/23/2007 12:54:10 PM

works for me, of course, most of pals think i am full of the bull.  told my brother and he has now shared his experiences.  My brother and I are both in our 50s, have been thru the marriages and now agree it is your trip till they throw dirt on you, just make sure you enjoy to the max.    Sad thing is that after enjoying the hobby u have to be a special women to attract my attention and i don't mean that in a physical way but the woman had better be mentally attractive, emotionally attractive, and then slender.

Friendships do not happen that often in life, at least as one gets older, even though there are friendly new acquaintances that spring up. This is at the very least equally true of the TER world.

But I have made a tiny number of friendships through TER boards - in my case in the Boston board area. These are friendships that now exist outside the Internet, face to face. They include a couple of providers as well as hobbyists. Although it is a great relief to include the hobby as a topic of conversation, many other activities and shared issues are on the table.

To me, the most exciting thing about my TER germinated friendships is not talking about the hobby but, instead, enjoying the unusual set of attributes (daring, risk taking, courage, openness, human warmth, genuine morality, intelligence and curiosity) which is unusually concentrated in this atypical little network.

I've been in the hobby for a few years now and written several reviews.  At the encouragement of one of my close provider friends, I've started reading the boards.  I've found that they are interesting and insightful.  I've also found that I have a lot in common with all of you.  

I'm at the stage where I'm doing a Risk/Reward analysis of my involvement with the hobby.  With a wide variety of experiences and a some very good friends later, the standard guilt, fear of discovery and the subsequent trashing of a 35 year marriage is intensifying.  With the recent publicity of HPV, the risk of bringing home a disease has also factored in.  I don't know how I would give it to her as we rarely have sex but a fear none the less.

All of you have given me some valuble information and perspective, especially you, LG.  While I feel that I'm not alone, I don't think that I am quite ready to light the campfire and start a round of "Kum By Yah".  I will, however, continue reading the boards and throwing my two cents in from time to time.

Thanks TER, LG and all of you for providing a measure of support and therapy though your postings.  BTW, I live in Maryland and travel the Mid-Atlantic for a living.  If anyone would like to drop me a line, I'll gladly respond.

Thanks again.