Here's my take on it, NoDramaPlease,

The only research out there on "hobbyists" is the study I did a few years ago, which showed that over 40% in my sample of 584 men had "fallen in love with or become emotionally attached" to "a provider." So you are by no means in some exclusive category - it's apparently very common for hobbyists to fall for providers who offer GFE, extended appointments, etc.

As to why this is happening to you with substance users - have you ever considered that YOU have similar boundary problems? After all, If someone is a business saboteur [not "sabatoger," dear, that's not a particularly "intellectual" word], why would you even CONSIDER seeing someone like that after even one incident? Perhaps it's the fact that you KNOW he's good for a lot of money - after all, he's spent over $45,000 on you. Unsolicited or not, that's loads of cash, and you gladly took it - otherwise you wouldn't be in this business.

If I may be so bold, I'd say that you are willing to overlook a lot of craziness and bad behavior just because you don't want to lose some of these guys as clients. If you are as sharp as you portray yourself to be, then you should know not to encourage ANY slippery boundaries. Granted, you give the clients some fake info, which is perfectly understandable, but why give them any at all? You can still be a charming, intellectual GFE without making up lots of stories that make your clients think they know you better than they actually do.

Now, it seems that you DO have a limit, and apparently one guy did reach it with you. You told him you won't see him anymore - great! Why don't you do the same with the "obsessed" and "jealous" one as well? If you start weeding out clients, pretty soon you'll realize which ones you can handle, and you'll stick to them. But you can't be afraid of letting a client know that you won't see him anymore because you worry that you won't make enough money - that will surely drive you insane in the long run.

I don't think that there is a specific psychological provider profile attracting alcoholic clients, although I will say that if you are sitting there spinning all sorts of fake yarns about your persona, then yes, alcoholics with poor boundaries will continue to transgress, because they don't have any internal limits. So rather than mirror their limitless state, stop them at the gate, give them one chance and then terminate the relationship. And learn how to put a lid on yourself too in the process. If you continue to make up stories, boundaries will be worthless to you because they won't feel like they're affecting the real you, only the "fantasy woman" you are making up. Instead, get as real as possible and watch your own boundaries fall mysteriously into place. Nothing like being authentic - it's like walking a tightrope!

Can't have your cake and eat it too, that's your first lesson,
The Love Goddess

Dear Ms. Love Goddess:

I am full GE provider and tend to do a lot of overnight and extended appointments with clients.  Although I'm intellectual and share personal info about myself (most of it made up or important details left out, and don't give my real name, but sometimes a made up one), a lot fo the guys I see say I treat them like a true friend and they call me not ony for my hot body (I'm actually a model and an intern with a casting director, and am a theatre major in college) and open-minded service, but because I'm not fake and really make them feel like a friend who loves every minute of our time together (I don't always LOVE it, but I do enjoy myself and find this work to generally be fun and better than waiting tables, LOL).

So many of my clients are great, but I have a few that have become obsessed and jealous, trying to control me.  I have one lonley old widow who calls me sometimes 10 to 15 times A DAY, drunk, leaving pointless message about how he can't see me, he has to work, a running total of how much he's spent on me since we've met (he has done a lot of overnights and bought me many unsolicited gifts, so it's over $45,000), how over-priced I am (I'm much more expensive than other ladies he sees), etc.  I've had to block his number out on several occassions, but he finds ways around it.  I rarely answer my phone, and on Saturday nights that I'm not with him he'll call sometimes 100 times, and I know it's all in an effort to try to "ruin" the appointment he thinks I'm on (he even says this in his drunken slur sometimes).  It's a shame because when we do hang out I think he has a great time and he's actually a pretty easy date.  It's the in between time that he'a a mess, plus he is wasting my time and trying to keep me from being with anyone else (and from making money, more importantly) when I'm not with him.  

This is not the first time this has happend to me, although he is the worst "business sabatoger" I've dealt with.  He's a drunk and gets nasty and mean on the phone and even in person sometimes when I say I can't see him when I he wants to see me next  (I have a life and it's not always possible).  Why do some men want to jeopardize a lady's business?  I've never asked him to be my sugar daddy and he gets all sorts of special treatment because when I do see him he does an overnight.... I don't call him out on the 100s of other escorts he sees, so why does he feel it's okay to keep me form having other clients?

I have another guy that if we have a great overnight or dinner date that trys to short change me a little because he thoguht that I was giving him extra time because I was having such a good time... I told him won't see him anymore.  He wrote me a fake bad review as revenge (I got it removed, thank god).  He's also a drunk and leaves me message every week from a blocked number.

Is there something that I could be doing that's attractnig these guys?  And so many of them are drunks?!  I haven't dealt with a lot of peole with substance abuse problems in my life so It's hard for me to understand or relate to it.  When I call them out on their behavior or refuse to see them they always use the way I treat them as an excuse... I'm TOO much of a GFE, I tell them personal things (ummm, mostly stuff I don't care about or lies!)... Maybe I'm too good of an actess, LOL!?  I find that hard to believe, especially when this site is loaded when 100's of 1000's of reviews of ladies that are GFE.  Perhaps most ladies have these problems and I don't realize it.  And is there some sort of psychological profile that alcoholics are attracted to?  I am constantly meeitng guys that drink too much and become co-dependent... and won't stop calling me.

Just wondering if you had any research or info that could possibly shed some light on this.  I don't plan on changing my method of escorting, but I'm having a lot of problem clients right now and I'm trying to keep those types at bay.  It's very puzzling to me.

Thank you!

Some guys are very lonely and destined to fall in love with any beautiful women who, in addition to having wild sex with them, also treats them kindly.  In addition the guys you are talking about sound like they may have addictive personalities as well.  Beauty is no less an addiction than others.

I'm hesitant to use the word "blame" here but you do have to share some responsibility for sharing more info on yourself than many other girls choose to.  Even though you may be fabricating some of the details the gentlemen that you are sharing your intimacy with don't know that.  

It sounds like you are really good at GFE providing.  What you are talking about here is an unfortunate side effect sometimes. My ATF has had to dump a couple of good regulars because their business and affection turned into an obsession.

Honestly you can't really keep them at bay, you just have to decide if their business is worth the issues that come with it.

-- Modified on 6/4/2011 6:45:20 AM

It's already stressful enough for many providers to feel they have to lead a double life with family and/or friends; why compound the stress by having to keep track of the fictional details you have given to clients?

I think you'll find things to be less stressful, although probably also less "exciting", if you just let yourself be as authentic as possible with your clients.  Nothing, of course, that could jeopardize your safety.

One of the most fulfilling aspects of life can be to find your authentic self, and learn to feel really comfortable being that person.

sound like he is seriously disturbed. I really can't imagine that any lady would continue too see him. Guys like him are the reason that some ladies change names and websites or got UTR. In your post you come across as a very sweet, caring person who is a great GFE. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty in putting up with him.

In case you have not heard of it, here is one version of it:

"The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct."

Note that I did not hide behind an alias and I did not even address you directly! What I merely did was to address another "hobbyist's" post which was basically playing into and pandering to your narcissistic demeanor.

Now, according to your logic (here's where Occam's Razor comes into play) I must be "another one of these drunken a**holes" because I dared to challenge you (indirectly)

Ironically, your vengeful rant further simplified my assumption of your character. Thanks for sharing, CS~

I'm narcassitic for asking a question?  Please, Mr. Know-it-all-hobbyist, tell me EXACTLY where I was being narcassitic.  I can tell you that you're bring a self-rightous asshole for assuming that you know that I'm sooooo self-centered.  Self-centered people ususally don't go asking for help, now do they?  Geez, get a back bone and stay of out my honest inquiry.  If you have better things to do, they go do them.  Your bad attitude and sense if entitlement are not needed here.

Live Goddess,  do you have a recommendation for avoiding assholes who think they're better than the ladies they pay for services from, LOL?!  

-- Modified on 6/5/2011 11:52:09 AM

CS I appreciate the short version of the definition you gave. LG what's the motivation for  CS to use a phrase such as Occam's Razor, that he knew many of us dumb hobbyist would have to google  to find more. . Oh, and CS no alias here.

-- Modified on 6/5/2011 6:09:07 AM

at least a little bit.  It is very easy to "fall for" a partner one has great sex with...  doubly so for repeats!  I have found that it is hard to keep my head on straight if I serial date a single provider (I rotate among Favs).   It is up to YOU, the PROVIDER, the PROFESSIONAL to set & maintain boundaries.   I know very right & well that if I cross that line, ANY of my FAVORITES will drop me in a heart beat.  I know & I dare say most clients know, that GFE is an illusion of how it might be if things had turned out differently...  it is sweet.  But I know that it ends when the door clicks shut between us.    

If you are with a client, turn off your phone...  any stalker calls will go to voice mail.  Any stalker behavior, must put them on your personal DNS list.  
This bad behavior goes on, because you allow it.  

Ladies will always have some issues with guys who cross the line...  more likely for overnights & extended play...  so perhaps you are stacking the odds against yourself because of your business model...    I imagine that you may "play to" a client more in between because you are more extended date type program...  

With new clients do not allow this behavior to start.  With existing clients, give them fair warning if they cross the line...  then enforce the rules.  NO WAY you should EVER see a client who called you a huge number of times...

Hiding behind an alias?  Uh, duh, everyone here uses an alias.  I don't buy the shot your selling, know-it-all hobbyist, just because you're not using an alias on top if your casinostocks alias.  Does any hobbyist or provider use their real name as their handle?  And you have YET to prove that I'm a narcassist.  You have taken a thread with a question thar has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you and used it to spout your VAST knowledge about crap you researched on the ibterebt (no doubt you stole that from someone else's clever blog post) and make this question about you.  Please GO AWAY -- you have just proven that you have nothing better to do than bother someone who's looking for help.  

Copied from "Message Board Policies" on TER:


Board Admin

"While it is anticipated that vigorous debate of ideas and opinions may occur within this forum, it is expected that civility in discourse will be maintained.  Discussion Board Moderators and TER Staff will exercise their discretion in managing the flow of discussion and applying these guidelines.

Criticizing ideas and opinions is a normal process of debate and each person should expect to have ideas challenged. That being said, personal attacks such as denigration of another person's character or value have no place in such discussions."

Add the above decree from the Admin to Harbor_View's advice below and voila! You have the help which you yearn for

You are in the business of creating a fantasy; a fantasy in which you, in a very real way, make yourself sexually available for $.

But, that does not mean that your clients should not be fully aware of the boundaries. And, if you find they are not, it is up to you to make them aware. Speaking very generally, few men are going to be completely immune to a young, attractive woman telling them they are “special”….”to you”; especially not while you’re fucking them.

Men, generally speaking, are easily predictable in this regard. Not an insult; just a reality. I doubt many would disagree.

But, I have little doubt you already know this. Hell, every escort ‘out there’ knows this. I also (based on your post)  have no doubt you consciously use this knowledge to your advantage to get the attention (and, subsequently, the recurring income)

And what I mean by “this” is: “Although I'm intellectual and share personal info about myself (most of it made up or important details left out, and don't give my real name, but sometimes a made up one), a lot fo the guys I see say I treat them like a true friend and they call me not ony for my hot body (I'm actually a model and an intern with a casting director, and am a theatre major in college) and open-minded service, but because I'm not fake and really make them feel like a friend who loves every minute of our time together (I don't always LOVE it, but I do enjoy myself and find this work to generally be fun and better than waiting tables, LOL).

Hell…who wouldn’t be confused by that? There is no reason you cannot provide good service to your clients without being so ambiguous about who YOU are (or even who your professional business persona is).

If you try to  make someone feel like a “real friend” while being so deliberately “fake” at the same time, people with healthy boundaries are going to pick-up on the “fake”. And those without healthy boundaries (possibly ? more prevalent in those with a substance abuse problem) are going to be confused.

"drunk," and "he's a drunk," and "he's also a drunk." Oops! It appears you've already noticed the pattern, but perhaps haven't taken it seriously enough. Alcohol=impaired judgement and impulse control, and reduced inhibition. Couple that with, those who abuse alcohol typically have a strong sense of entitlement, and reduced tolerance to taking personal responsibility for their behavior, and you've got your hands full. There's probably not that much your doing that specifically attracts, predominately, these kinds of guys. However, you do have to make some conscious decisions, early on when all of the above start coming into play, how much of it you are willing to put up with. It's very little about managing their behavior, but rather just when will you remove yourself from the scene, and stay away for good.

Since you've already gotten good advice, I thought I'd throw that out there.

Actually, it's not as silly as it sounds.  About ten years ago, I had a GF show up for our dinner date wearing sweats, partially to hide the fact that she hadn't shaved her legs in a week.  I knew she was sending me a rather clear signal  (either consciously or otherwise) that it was about over.  The not-so-subtle message was I was no longer worth the bother, because this woman dressed well.   And sure enough, a couple weeks later we split up.

You mentioned you're a model and in college, so I'm guessing you're both young and very attractive.  But your youth may also make you someone these older guys feel they can control.  This gets back to the advice you're already received about the need for you to set and control your boundaries to avoid this in the future.  That's not easy for some providers, even older ones, so don't feel too bad that you've reached a point where you need to make changes.

I suspect you'll lose very few clients by taking more control, and you'll definitely be much better off going forward.  Good luck!

Your quotes. "If you try to  make someone feel like a “real friend” while being so deliberately “fake” at the same time, people with healthy boundaries are going to pick-up on the “fake”. And those without healthy boundaries (possibly ? more prevalent in those with a substance abuse problem) are going to be confused."

Excellent advice. Greatly enjoy your sage wisdom in so many arena's. I think I would go bald scratching my head wondering how to respond to some of them! I'm an LPC in Virginia.

Make sure your kitty has a strong tuna aroma, before your next appointment with the evil client!