Dear SweetKindProvider,
Yes, the topic of transgender women comes up from time to time. First of all, let's use the correct terminology. "Transsexual" is someone who has had or is about to have GCS, i.e. gender-confirming surgery. So someone who still has a penis is technically not transsexual, but would fall under the umbrella term "transgender." Some would also call such a woman a "preop transsexual," but this term is fading - a good thing, in my opinion. We don't need more labels, we need less. Ergo, the guy is into TG women.
In any event, you are wondering "what drives a man to see a transsexual." I'd have to say, the same thing that drives a man to do or see a blonde with big tits, or another man with blue eyes, or just about anything or anyone that turns him on. Some men are turned on by women with penises. It's as simple as that. That doesn't mean that he wasn't turned on by you - far from it. He could be turned on by female-born females AND transgender women - many men are. It's uncommon but not rare, as evidenced by the fact that we have a whole board dedicated to transgender women and their clients.
Now, this does not mean that he is homosexual or even bisexual. Many people have great difficulty in understanding and separating genitals from gender. They believe that if it has a penis, then it must be male. Far from it. Transgender women with penises are just that - at one time biologically male, now transitioned to female with hormones, but who for varying reasons have retained their penises. Many TG women do want the genital surgery and many work in the sex industry to make the money to pay for it. Other TG women have decided that they would feel odd if a body part was chopped off; in addition, they may not want to take the risk of severing so many nerves that they will never experience any sexual arousal again (unfortunately this can happen with surgery).
So your issue is about your former boyfriend's secrecy around his preference and his activities. Yes, for whatever it's worth, he is not gay. Is he heterosexual? That's up to him to decide. I'd say he is a heterosexual male who likes women with penises. And, since that's NOT accepted in society at large (just watch this thread and you'll see people arguing that it's weird, gay or otherwise "not straight"), of course he's going to keep it secret. On the other hand, he'd probably keep ANY other sexual activity secret from you, since he may have sensed your emotional investment in the relationship.
I don't see it as any different than a guy who for many reasons can't commit to a relationship with only one woman and has to keep his cheating from her. Did he marry you? Did he pledge exclusive fidelity to you? To me, it seems that he was using the relationship - and to some extent using you as well - to satisfy his need for connection with someone who was willing to give so much more in return.
This man is no different from most guys who are not willing to go exclusive with a woman. Yes, he's into transgender women for purely sexual purposes - he gets an erotic charge from it. As you pointed out, your relationship got "stale and boring." Hence, he was getting his kicks from going on the Net and playing around. It's less about the fact that he was playing around to and with a TG woman, than the fact that he wasn't into creating a permanent bond with you. He used you for his own purposes, and I believe that is why you are in so much pain. Of course if he paid you during those 3 years, then he probably doesn't see it that way (and the case can be argued that as long as you accepted any kind of payment, all was fair). He didn't put in half of what you put into the relationship, emotionally or spiritually.
This is often what happens when clients and providers enter into relationships where boundaries get crossed and emotional investments are made on either side of the fence. My advice to you is to get some individual psychotherapy if you can't move on. As you've pointed out, you have learned some simple but invaluable lessons, the biggest one being unavailable to clients off the clock.
His memory will fade in time,
The Love Goddess
Seems to me he had plenty of problems, but being a client wasn't the reason why you broke up, why he was fucked up, or why you're fed up.
Nothing in your post establishes a cause/effect relationship with him being a client. Maybe it's true you shouldn't date clients, but this isn't the proof, merely a convenient rationalization.
The fact is, your relationship started and ended the way 90% of relationships start and end. He may have had issues, but being a client wasn't the cause of any of them from what you've said. Most "normal" relationships also result in a decline in sexual frequency over time.
You're assuming a fascination with transexuals was the reason for this, and maybe it was. But I've known guys who were turned on by all sorts of things in porn that they'd never even think about pursuing in real life. Hell, I'm probably one of them- it's just the way the male brain works.
So the next time you go history hunting on a boyfriend's browser, don't be surprised if you find things you never expected. This board is filled with guys that see providers in order to explore a secret sexual desire or fantasy. It may be nothing more than a thing for red heads with big breasts, or a fetish for Catholic school girl uniforms. But that hardly puts you in the same category as the Marquis de Sade.
The sooner you evaluate situations clearly, and see real cause and effect, the sooner you'll be able to make better, more reasoned, decisions in both life and love.
-- Modified on 12/4/2009 9:26:49 PM
