I'm a provider who has had the doible life for a long time (10+ years).  I like providing, it's a much better job than working at an office, I get to interact with people and part of my job is to be sexy so I get to work-out all the time. I t also allows me to pursue my real passion, my home business.  I've never discussed it or told anyone.

I've always dated and had boyfriends but live alone.  I've never felt guily, but I've also never left evidence around so that someone could figure out where the funding for my business comes from.  I have no intention of quitting until it wojuld keep me form making more money and have more fun than I'm having now.  But I am at the point that I want husband/live-in lover.  My current flame might be that in a year or two, but is it wrong to keep hiding this side of me?  I'm able to keep it separate, and I am okay with it.  I dread the thought of getting caught, although I feel no guilt.  This side of me has shaped my personality, and like a religious experience or something, I haven't shared it with anyone and don't feel the need to.  It's private.

I really love this man, unlike any other, I want to have his children and get a house together and I don't like hiding it from him, yet I do not feel guilty.  It's a job, a very fun job, with lots of great benefits, but I don't view it as cheating, even though I enjoy having different parters and particularly dinner dates with someone different a few times a week.  I often think it makes me a better girlfriend. If I have a really good date one day, I look that much more forward to seeing my man later that night.  When I haven't worked in a few days I get restless and have a hard time concentrating on my home business.

Am I alone in this thinking?  And am I a bad person for not feeling guilt? If he ever cheated on me, I would flip.  But I don't consider this cheating, although it s deceptive.  I'm not sure he would be fine with this, but at the same time he is open-minded and has made alternative lifestyle choices himself.  He wouldn't want to share me I'm sure, but he has said he thnks prostitution shouldn't be a crime.

I just want some outside thoughts on what I'm feeling.  I never get to talk to anyone about this stuff because it's all so hush-hush. He's hinting that he sees a future for us (albeit, down the road a bit) so I want to be prepared to make changes if I have to.

Would you consider that cheating? Would you flip? I don't like the double standard.

IMHO I believe that any relationship should be built not just on love but on trust and understanding also. As of this moment from what I can perceive your relationship with him is base on a lie, if you know what he does for a living and somehow cover what you do, you are deceiving him, which can cause pain, he might feel ridiculed by you. You have to let him know (because if he finds out which eventually he will) its best it comes from you. This world is not as big as we sometimes think a friend of a friend might know you as a provider and this info can reach him and then the storm comes for both of you, more so for him. I understand that to you this is work and like you stated you really do enjoy it, you do not feel you are cheating and yet would feel terrible if he's with another woman, to me this is confusing. I think you are being selfish. If you come clean and he really loves you then you will have the happily ever after that you deserve. I wish you the best of luck.

I don't think I would enjoy being told that I had been intimate, (I assume unprotected), with a provider over a great length of time.  That's not all that is involved with the lack of transparency over what you do for a living, but it is the first thing that jumps out at me.

I'm not a hater, I'm just sayin......

A lack of trust can make a relationship much more difficult.

Yes indeed, iPuss,
It has been discussed. And the answer to your questions are:

1. No, you are not alone in thinking this way. Stigma management and compartmentalization are two cornerstones of being a provider. There will always be instances - no matter how open you are as a person - when disclosing your profession as a sex worker will not be optimal.

2. If you were really feeling guilt, you couldn't be a provider. From an evolutionary standpoint, women are capable of short term mating in exchange for benefits, mainly to care for any offspring in the mix. This evolutionary trait has persisted and some women are perfectly capable of having sex with strangers for a fee. And enjoying it too - that's another evolutionary benefit that has been bestowed on the female species. We see this in simians and certainly in human females too.

3. Is it wrong to hide this side from your current "flame?" Here's what I think: when you are good and ready, and he progresses from "flame" to the person with whom you really want to share your life, then you'll either fess up (less likely, why would you want to hurt him), or you'll phase out of the sex industry and find something else to do. But right now, you can't commit to him - and I bet it's not only because of "the business."

It doesn't seem that you're quite ready to settle down; hence, get what you can from the business and get out of it when you're on top. That way, you'll leave with a smile on your face and look back on these years as having been fun, productive and yes, profitable. Just make sure you have a realistic exit plan. Otherwise, you may find yourself working a lot longer than intended, and not always under ideal circumstances.

Good luck and have fun, that's the name of the game,
The Love Goddess

do you want to take the chance that he finds out what you have been doing from someone else?  If I was him, I damn sure would not.  OTOH, it might be just as devastating to find it out from you, not all guys could handle being the SO of a provider.

You are, IMHO, between the proverbial rock and hard place, damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I guess you will have to decide who he should hear it from, because sooner or later, he IS going to find out, either accidentally or on purpose.

Glad I'm not in your shoes, lovely lady.

Swim

if I found out my SO was a provider I would be devastated.

I would never be able to trust her again, everything she said would be suspect. I would be constantly thinking about everything she had done, waiting for the other shoe to drop...

I would end it as painlessly and quickly as I could.

Maybe I a a hypocrite because I have visited providers, but be in a LTR with one? no way.

It seems to me that it would be natural for a SP to phase out at some point. You are fortunate that you have a next phase to look forward to.  Your posting shows readiness for an honest open discussion. The next step is to condition and prepare yourself to make that transition. It is best to make a clean break from the past and start the future with a clean slate.

The men I've know who had successful LT relationships with providers, including me, did so knowing that they were providers.  You sign up for the good and the bad, knowing the rules of the game before you get in over your head.  

These relationships were challenging for me (I did it twice), but they worked because I'm low maintenance and didn't have any aspirations for an exclusive relationship or LT commitment.  Even so, the number of men that could successfully do what I did are very few and far between.

Which brings us to your situation.  I think you either have to keep it a secret from him forever, and that includes 10 years from now if you get married and have 2.3 children, or you need to tell him now and see if he's still interested in dating you. But don't be surprised if he votes with his feet.

Very few guys would be able to deal with that sort of revelation and successfully process the feelings that would follow.  I think most would feel like the poster above me, and it's understandable.  Marriage makes it different and it brings different standards into play.  A guy will ignore a lot of things in a GF that would be deal breakers in a wife.

Its so unfortunate that you feel you have to hide it, makes me think of times in history when no would dare be openly gay. Maybe in time society's disapproval for the hobby will wane, but probably not in my lifetime.

Like another poster here I've had a committed relationship with a provider, it wasn't easy but it was worth it, the only thing that made it work was honesty, of course I got into it knowing what she did. Even if he never finds out, there is a deep part you that you feel must remain hidden. This is a recipe for disaster. In keeping your second life hidden, is it just a matter omitting certain facts, or are you actively lying to him (where you'll be tonight, what you're doing, etc). Lies are little betrayals, even if he accepts your job I wonder how he would deal with all the lies, not to mention the possible disease risk he unwittingly opened himself to. I would tell him as soon as possible, if he bolts then he never really could have been your soul mate, if he stays than it is a testament to the kind of man he is and the strength of his love for you.

If the relationship heads towards anything serious, and your face, or any identifying marks has EVER been on the net connected to this industry - Do not under any circumstances even think to halfway lie to him...if it were me I would tell him anyway, honesty works much better than lying...but prepare to either loose him, or to make a choice between him and providing. If you are totally honest with him he may flip out and run for the hills but he will not be able to say you lied to him. If you add children into the equation, you have to seriously consider hanging up your thong. This is a UNIQUE business, that you own, and you are your own commodity. You will not do well if you have to leave an overnight bc jr has a fever. Your hubby will resent it and your reviews will take a landslide.

To not tell him seems like it would be a great idea at first, but I have seen the effects of a VERY angry SO when they find out. More often than not they do find out, read all your reviews and dig up every ad you have ever placed anywhere. It is never pretty, he will flip out.

Marriage as a provider is EXTREMELY difficult. It is not impossible, but it is VERY HARD. Some men (esp men who hobby) seem to think it would be really easy to be in a real life relationship with a provider, but it is hell on the relationship.

Myself and my provider friends who are married all have a few unique things in common, our spouses and us were all swingers at one level or another before we got into the business. We have all been with our SO's 10+ years.

Generally swingers are born swingers, not converted swingers. So the folks who are married to the provider WHO I KNOW, are almost naturally mentally equipped to deal with the fact that their wife is out fucking some stranger. For a swinger couple the only difference between sport fucking and being a provider or the SO of a provider is the envelop.

You are engaged in an occupation that you love. Great. It is also illegal pretty much everywhere in the country.

Because it is illegal; it is quite possible that were you to be busted for it at some point in the future, any assets you possess (including those held jointly with hubby) could be subject to civil property seizure if authorities merely SUSPECT that they were either used in connection with your occupation or purchased with proceeds from your occupation. Usually, with prostitution, they only seize cash. But don't believe that can't seize other stuff -- because they can.

It is no different in that sense than being married to a drug dealer. And, by the way, MANY people in this country believe drugs should be legal too. But they are NOT.

So if you were to marry me thinking that I am an engineer only to find out 3 years down the road when the cops bang on the door that I am a drug kingpin (which is why I can support you in such grand style) -- I bet you'd be PISSED that I had endangered your future by withholding critical data about the nature of my occupation.

Now, another thing.

Nobody should be forced to be kissing other people by proxy without his/her advanced knowledge or consent.

When I book a provider; I already read LG's last survey and realize I am likely lucky number XXX. And, from reading the boards, that I am likely lucky number X for that day or week. I know in advance that I am kissing lots of men by proxy.

But unless informed otherwise, a person who THINKS s/he is involved in something monogamous should at least be informed if the situation is polygamous in the extreme from day 1.

This isn't some situation where hubby has neglected your basic needs for years or something; or has such little desire to have sex with you that if you were to outsource it he wouldn't be deprived of anything. It's a day 1 thing -- so it should assuredly be disclosed.

And -- one final comparison.

Right now you think he is a doctor, lawyer, chief cook or whatever.

How would you feel, if you discovered two years from now that he was one of a handful of successful hetero male escorts in the country and that for the past two years every time you touched him at the end of the day ... you were his #4 rather than #1? That the lips he kissed you with had been on four other vulvas earlier that day?

Hey -- the fact you would feel no guilt about doing it to him should mean you'd have no problem with him doing it to you. Right? Or would there be a double standard?

I am in the exact situation, having been a provider for 10 years...I also feel no guilt, date freely, have had long term relationships..Then, about 3 years ago my boyfriend found out...He broke up with me but then two weeks later came back. He just wanted honesty about where i was going and who i would be seeing etc..now that was a very liberal guy..when i did break up with him he threatend to tell everyone but cooled off and that never went down...everyone is different..but i think when you do meet the ONE you have to figure out how to still work until you are ready to marry or move in...its a slippery slope we are on....good luck

Many don't tell them they hobby.  But you completely missed the point of my post in your angry response -- I was looking for a response on my feelings, not a judgement on my relationship.

From a practical point of view, there is a very low likelyhood that he would find out, and therefore little downside to never telling him; however if you do tell him, I would be the odds of him bolting are 50/50, which is not good.

However, I sense a very strong feeling on your part to reveal yourself to him, and if that be so, then you must or you will end up betraying yourself in some way.

The choice is up to you.

About 11 years ago I was dating a girl who told me she was an architect but was really an escort. I was naive as hell and had no clue.

Previously, I had worked designing medical billing software; and a good friend from that company had become the office manager at my girlfriend's gynecologist.

Yes, my friend broke official medical ethics when she called me and told me NOT to have sex with my girlfriend because she had contracted chlamydia.

But she DID save me from getting a disease.

Sometimes even the most naive guy on earth will ultimately catch you in your lies.

The first thing that comes to mind is that you have built your relationship on a lie and that needs to be dealt with before anything else.
If you want a serious relationship with this man I think you would have to come clean, or quit providing.




Just my 2 cents

Sabrina

You know what would be on my mind if I found out my SO was a provider?  I'd think back over our times together and be trying to figure out when she was really in the moment with me, and when she was just acting as my "GFE".  I know all of us hobbyists like to believe that the provider is really enjoying herself, and really is interested in talking about whatever we want to talk about--and if the provider is good, we can't tell the difference (or choose to overlook whatever evidence there might be to the contrary)--and that's why good providers are compensated so well.

I know that everyone kind of "plays a role" and tries to present well when dating, and even (hopefully) continues to do so to some degree as the relationship matures.  But good providers know how to do this so well--I would always be in doubt, and not sure if/when I might be getting manipulated and not even know it.

Can/should a provider have a "real" relationship as well?  I don't know--I know providers that do, and claim that it all works, but I don't know that I could handle it.

Just my $0.02.  As with everything else, ymmv.

iPuss I hope you are not offended with me as what I write is my opinion as well. I do not doubt your feelings and I can see your point of view. Just because your logic is difficult to understand for me, it does not mean that you are wrong. You are being honest with yourself and deserve respect for that, but at the end of the day its only you who can come up with a solution that will benefit you. What ever the decision you make I still wish the best and truly hope it does work out for you.

And I was addressing your feelings. You said you would flip if your SO cheated on you. I would think given what you do and that you want to continue doing it that you would be more understanding.

All of us can try to justify what we're doing, but that doesn't make it right even if we feel no guilt. It IS cheating whether it's just a job (for the provider) or just physical (for the client). Let's not kid ourselves.