Hi LG, I am 37 and haven't been on a real date in years.  I have never been real good with the women anyway.  Thats why I am on this site. A while ago a woman at my work showed an interest in me.  I tried not to mix business with pleasure, but there is just a lot of chemistry between us and I really like her. First time in years.  A month ago I bit the bullet and asked her out and she said yes, but because of schedules we haven't actually gone out.  2 weeks ago she said she developed some feelings for me and didn't know if she could mix business with pleasure.  So, I told her take some time to figure it out.  Here is my problem.  When I talk to her around other people or when I am alone with her and we talk business I am fine.  However we we are alone and we talk about personal stuff I start to get wood.  Sometimes when I just think about her I get wood.  Lucky for me so far is that my clothes at work are baggy and I have not been seen. I have ADHD and I think that has something to do with it or it just might be that I haven't had a woman show interest in me for a long time.  I am not 400lbs or anything like that.  I am just an average looking guy.  I think we will get together, but I don't want to come in  my pants when I kiss her for the first time.  Any advice from anyone would be appreciated.

Assuming this post is meant seriously (and I do so assume), I wouldn't worry about coming in your pants.  If you're 37, it's really not going to happen from kissing.

If you are truly that concerned, try whacking off before your date, or before work if you have a genuine concern or are not wearing baggy clothes that day.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Dear verylongtongue,

What a wonderfully sincere posting! My first reaction is to congratulate you. I think it's GREAT that you have a mutual flirtation going for you right now. As to the fact that it's by meeting someone at work...well, I'm a realist. People can 'regulate and legislate' all they want, but we are all HUMAN and we will gravitate to one another, whether it's through business or elsewhere. I just hope that she won't hold back, due to the employment configuration. It seems that you are peers and not in a supervisor-supervisee type of relationship though, so the most prohibitive aspects of a relationship such as yours may be absent.

As to coming in your pants from the first kiss..well, most adult men don't, but let's not rule it out, for excitement's sake The advice about masturbation prior to meeting is a good one.

So either masturbate or wear baggy pants and bring along a change of underwear. There's nothing WRONG with coming in your pants from sheer excitement. It's so young, fresh and cute! Although it may not feel that way when you're standing there all sticky..

I also don't think your ADHD is responsible for your excitatory impulses in the erogenous department per se. I do have professional experience with ADHD clients and it always brings a little tear of joy to my eye when I find out about good things coming to them. It's tough having adult ADHD on so many levels. I hope the med(s) are working for you and that you'll be able to continue with this woman for some time, at least.

My best wishes and hopes for you,
the Love Goddess

I'm serious.  Schedule a session the day of or before your date.  Talk to the provider about sex and have her do something you like.  Remember to talk about sex with her.

Assume nothing sexual will happen on your first date but keep your antennae on HIGH ALERT!  Look for signs in body language, send subtle signals.  If she is at all suggestive, you should react slightly (do not POUNCE all over her) and see if things escalate.  Mostly be a gentlemen.  Don't focus on your lack of relations with women, focus on her and postive stuff.  Talk about fun stuff (whatever you may both be into, TV shows, working out, star wars, whatever!).

Be confident, cool and humorous.  Don't come across as a leg-humping pesky mongrel.  Remeber, be confident!  If you are confident, you can focus on HER.  That's what she wants.

If things progress, spend a lot of time involved in physical activities that do not involve the pubic area.

Some suggestions are: massaging the head, shoulders or even the feet (can be very erotic)

Also hand holding and massaging (just had an erotic dream about that very thing last night.)

Try gently stroking each others chins and jaw bones.

Even eye gazing is a big turn on.

You will learn a lot about her and yourself as well by engaging in these activiities without the pressure of doing "it".

Of course if "it" comes about from a combination of these things, all the better; at least the progression will be natural.

If on the other hand, it does not get to that; at least you will have engaged in some interesting activites.

It beats holding hands and watching TV.

sexual experiences but if he is a virign I would not go with the provider recommendation just yet.  If he is a virgin then I see his situation as very different than the virgin gent who recently posted and who was reallly looking to lose it to a provider because he had no dating prospects.  Verylong may be able to seal the deal in a conventional SO romantic fashion.  I think that is a better way to go for the 'first' time experience.  Again if a male virgin is bursting at the seams and really feels that dating holds no promise at the moment then a mature provider is a wonderful choice.

Buy her a pair of shoes...... then when you take her home, you have an excuse to go inside and have her try on the new pair of high heels.

THEN, you get to touch her feet in helping her put them on.

You're at the plate now.. hit one outta the park!

As long as you don't try to rub your boner on her on  the first through three dates, she'll probably be a little flattered if she notices.  She probably also already knows you're not mr. stud, so if she has any value at all she would even find the quick cum on kiss kind of sweet, although that's really not going to happen.

The provider thing is a good idea if you can get yourself to do it.  Also, research here and elsewhere is a good idea--anything to give yourself more confidence.  But remember, too much confidence can be a mood killer too, so false bravado is not the way to go.  Don't, DO NOT, tell her how you've done your research or preparation for dates with her.  Many women will be creeped out by such things.

First of all I am not a virgin or unexperienced.  I just thought I would never have feelings for a civie again.  Second I would like to thank you all for your advice, however I was hoping it would be more along the lines of how to stop or control the unwanted wood.  Thanks LG for the kind words about having ADHD, however I do not take any meds because the side effects were much worse than just dealing with the disorder.  I have tried them all with no success.  And yes life is very difficult on many levels.  And yes I have high excitement levels, so I am pretty sure I could come in my pants with a kiss thus these postings.  
Thanks again, vlt

Thank you for the additional info, vlt,

As to control the unwanted wood - it might be difficult, considering the impulse element inherent in ADHD. But if you really want to, you must try to focus on other thoughts...which might be tough, because ADHD is often the reason for unfocused, runaway thoughts...or paradoxically, hyperfocusing. Maybe you could run number sequences in your brain as you kiss her...although that would be such a shame in terms of not enjoying the kiss to its fullest! I say, go very slowly in this situation..and when you do kiss, maybe you need to be in a comfortable place [bed, maybe?] so that it seems natural to get excited.

I'm still thrilled for you though,
the Love Goddess

Hi vlt:

What if you were just honest with her about it? What if, let's say you get that wood, maybe even cum in your pants and were simply honest with HER as to why? Tell her what you've told us right down to the ADHD and see what happens. Seriously, it's such a shame for you to go through life missing such great experiences because you're afraid of what may happen, so be honest with her if it does. I know if I were she, I would be understanding and appreciate the fact that you communicated with me what was going on. Not to mention I'd probably be turned on by the fact that you found me so attractive that just kissing me had you erupting in your pants.

It's just a thought. Communication is beautiful, especially when it's enjoyed with the person you care about most. It's great to see it here, but it doesn't help any of us if we can't or don't communicate our thoughts with the person we're asking questions about here. Do you know what I mean?

Give honesty a try,

Andi Ryan

-- Modified on 7/29/2006 8:49:01 AM

I hope you don't mind my adding a little bit here, Andi.  I do agree that honesty is (sometimes) the best policy.  But this situation is also just a little off the norm as well.  (Please, I don't mean that in a disparaging way; it's just something that I can't quite picture being discussed around the water cooler or over dinner in a nice restaurant.)

This leads me to my first suggestion: Privacy during the conversation.  Make certain you do it when you two are alone - no co-workers, no waiters, no valets, no children or sitters, no one.  Her reaction might be quiet; it might be...not so quiet.  Privacy will (or should) give you two all the more emotional room to discuss things.

The other suggestion is to give her some time to process this.  The women on these boards are far more liberal and open-minded than the norm.  When you discuss this with her, she might just need some time to assimilate it.  If she does, please don't take that as an affront - if she says she needs time to think about this, that'll be exactly what she says it is.

Just my .031416.

And as a precaution, you might want to do what I did when I was about 16, sexually inexperienced and very impressionable : put tissue paper in the undies since that prevents sticky messes. The wood? The "she's" of that time (about same age) loved it. So long ago..., so far away... but (maybe) still relevant (??)

Is anyone else fascinated by the idea that "[Giving] honesty a try" can reasonably be referred to as "completely different?"  It's very true. I'm not trying to criticize the comment at all, but fwiw, that fact makes me a little sad.

Our culture has become one where it's acceptable to create little white lies which inevitably turn into bigger ones supposedly to "save another from getting hurt." Personally, I'd rather be hurt by the truth EVERY TIME than hurt by a lie when I later find out its a lie. That just doubles the pain.

Honesty in our culture really isn't respected. Especially in the work force. I've always been honest and integral and I tell you what, it does not behoove one in business to have integrity. The wealthy do not become wealthy because of integrity. Examples being the Kennedys, the Bush family empire dating back to the early 1900's, etc. It's perfectly acceptable in our society to lie a little to get ahead. It's not acceptable to lie a lot; example Bill Clinton.

I have a 9 year old son with whom I discuss honesty and integrity quite often. He is at the age where he's testing his boundaries and seeing what he can get away with which automatically includes lying. I uncovered a huge scheme he had going with his teachers, his daycare and his father, who raises him full time. Now, if my son screws up and owns up to it, he does not get punished as I believe at his age it's more important to instill a sense of honesty and integrity into his character than to invite lying by punishing him for telling the truth. There's plenty of time for that later. He knows he will not get into trouble with either parent for telling the truth. Certainly if he's screwing up, the issue is discussed at length with him as to why it's wrong and how to better handle the situation, this way he's made aware of why what he's done is wrong, but he'll be praised immensely for being honest. My son was recently watching a movie or television show where the kid was learning his parents have lied to him and he was completely devastated. I've often watched parents discipline their children for lying all while telling their children lies themselves. I'm not sure what type of message the parents think this sends to their kid, but if mommy and daddy can lie, then why do I get into trouble if I do? is what I suspect the kid thinks. My son asked me if I ever lie to him. The answer is no. If he asks me a question and I don't feel he's old enough to hear the answer, I'll explain to him that he's too young to understand and I will explain it when he's older. And I've followed through so he knows I will and he accepts that answer. I will never lie to my child as I respect him too much to do so, and if I did then how could I punish him for doing the very same thing I am? It's not much of an example I'm setting, now is it. Think about that, parents of the board.

So, yes it's sad to have to refer to honesty as unique and different, but it is how our society and many, many others have learned to thrive and get ahead. I find it repulsive, but it's a fact of life. All I can do is run my life as honestly and well as possible and try to set an example with each and every person I meet hoping they take the same approach with the people they meet.

Sorry this is so long and if I have grammatical or spelling errors, I apologize for that as well. It's 0515 and I am still half-asleep so I'm too lazy to proofread!!

Love,

Andi