Dear hiswife,

Now isn't that the $64,000 question? If anyone else says s/he has an idea, then s/he is really dreaming. We don't know your husband, his motivations or his character in the least. Unless he steps forward and reveals his intention, anyone's prediction is just conjecture.

My advice to you is to seek couples counseling as soon as possible to engage in some real in-depth dialogue. Only then will you gain some clarity, primarily in your own decisions and actions.

Best of luck to you both,
The Love Goddess

The freedom and ability is a pleasure that once experienced is nearly impossible to let go of.

Perhaps some have gotten over it, but I'm willing to bet these guys are in the minority.

Hate to seem to the point, but he will probably quit if you give sexual satisafaction on a regular basis - if you do not, then he will continue.  How often do you initiate sex play? How often do you turn down or ignore or defer his efforts to get things going?   I think the majority of guys hobby because their wives quit and lost all interest at home, yet the guys don't want a divorce, they just want the sexual experience.  

If you want to be sure he quits, suprise him and wake him up 1 random day a week with a BJ - then your worries will be behind you.

Here is the real question. Why does he hobby... Because staying home is no longer exciting!
I'm married and I hobby. I do not get the sex I desire at home. I do not do the fun things with my wife I once did. It is always a Chore to Do anything.
The spontaneity is lost!. One needs to ask (both sides) can I love the one I'm with? As we age we become more set in our ways and it becomes more difficult because our lives now have different priorities. The question is can they be aligned?

Before the hobby I read an interesting article. Take the 30day sex challenge. Which is have sex with your partner every day for 30 straight days. Even if you are Mad, sad, tired, with Aunt flo, hot, cold or any other excuse you may come up with.  

Try it and if he agrees you may find hope.

should answer your question. If he can't quit browsing TER, he most likely won't quit seeing providers.

One question I think needs asking is how your life was prior to you finding out he was hobbying? If things were good, then why insist on a change?

In answer to one of your questions. I was active for a little over a year but circumstances have changed with my SO enough that I rarely feel tempted these days. Well, that's not true, I ALWAYS feel tempted but I rarely feel the compulsion I felt for a while.

The advice about putting your sex life into high gear is good advice. if you are a little older, there really isn't anything you can do about the desire of men to have sex with pretty young women, but you can do a lot to reduce the general level of horniness most of us have due to the imbalance in the levels of desire to have sex.

I know I am going against the tide but,

When we had problems a lack of sex wasn't the cause of them, it was a result.

If we had sex much more often it wouldn't have solved the communication issues we were having.

I liked LG advice the best.

But that's just me.

tc

I do not know your husband's motivation.  I agree with LG that you & he & then jointly need couples counciling...  You will gain the clarity to decide what the situation really is, what you want & what you can live with.

Might I ask how you are sure that your husband has changed his TER user name?  & still reads the boards?
   
I am married.  DW has never initiated sex in over 20 years of marriage.  She is fine with no sex at all.  She will agree to sex if convenient & has a good time once she gets warmed up.  I care about sex & being a good lover...  while she doesn't care to try anything new or strive to improve her skills.  DW has become involved in many great causes & activities...  which keep her out of the house & unavailable to me.  When we're both home we watch TV or log on in separate rooms.  

You BOTH need to look inward to your communication with each other & spend some time together.  The various sex challenges...  I think one was a year...  would be a consideration but only if accompanied by a willingness (by both parties) to try new things.

If this does not work, you want to be able to look back & say I tried everything.  
skb

Re: Do you think he will quit.. or is that naive? -- Update of sorts....

I wanted to say thank you to those that responded to my question -- I read and thought about the answers you all gave and have to admit that nearly all of them had some insight to my relationship with my husband. After getting through the last couple weeks of anger and disgust and hurt - I realized that more than anything I adore my husband, and he is a good man, a wonderful husband and father.. he has treated me with love and caring for nearly 20 years - he allowed me to stay home and raise my childern and our child and worked his hardest to give us a wonderful life.  I admittedly have gotten lazy about showing him just how much he means to me - and lost interest in our sex life. Yesterday I saw that he had canceled his TER account and had all of the reviews deleted. I can't say how much that helped.. but I also read a bit about forgiveness - and more than anything else - I forgave him, I accept that I need to be an active participant in our relationship and not take for granted that he will be there.  

Anyway... now I am going to delete my account.. and get on with my life - and love my husband.  I wish all of you the best in what ever you are looking for - thanks again for listening and responding.  You all may have helped save my marriage.