LG,

I've had two relationships with men 40 and 43; both started passionately but cooled significantly over time.  Both stated that as they aged, genital sensitivity and sex drive diminished and masturbation rarely occurred.  Is this typical for men at this age, physically and/or emotionally?  

My ex was previously a virile, sexual man who frequented strip clubs and dated many attractive women.  After 40, he said he was simply no longer interested in sex.  Of course, this could very well have meant he was no longer interested in sex with me, as we had been together for eight years.  But, assuming for the moment that he was being honest, can men at that age expect the situation to improve over time, or just get worse?

I've been following the earlier message chain discussing men who feel they must seek satisfaction outside of their marriages.  In my case, the gender roles are reversed and while emotionally I could not handle an open relationship, I sympathize with the posters who love wives with low or absent sex drives.

Dear AZ_Larki,

The short answer to your question is, it depends on the man. For some men, what you are describing occurs post-40. It's simply age appropriate diminishing levels of testosterone; however, depending on pre-andropausal levels, general health, genetic predisposition and other factors too numerous to describe here, the normal but gradual lowering of T in middle-aged men can manifest itself in a variety of ways.

Can men at that age expect the situation to improve? Well yes, they can, if they can raise their androgen levels, either naturally through vigorous exercise and lifestyle changes [if need be], or by administering supplemental levels of testosterone and even possibly growth hormones, although the latter is extremely controversial. If they don't do anything and keep on living the typical westernized lifestyle of weight gain and less exercise, then it would stand to reason that things will NOT improve - in fact, things will usually get worse, what with higher insulin levels, higher blood pressure, cardiac issues, erectile dysfunction and an assortment of other sequelae afflicting a middle-aged sedentary male in the Western world.

Now, it's not necessarily the norm for a man just shy of 40 to lose interest in sex. Either they lost interest in you, or they really were in a hypogonadal state, for reasons unknown to us at this point.

Another aspect to all this is that the man may not necessarily "lose interest" - it may be that his focus has somewhat shifted, from a sex-hungry guy who needs immediate satisfaction, to someone slightly more reflective and choice-oriented when it comes to sex. This means that the lower testosterone levels can afford him to be less "desperate," less eager and more interested in the totality of an experience with a woman who mirrors his state of mind. At first, such a man may become surprised at this shifting state of body/mind integration, and then he may find that he really enjoys the journey and not just the destination. This type of shift can take months, sometimes even a few years, during which he may express himself as "having lost interest," when in fact he just needs to regain his new bearings.

I find it very interesting that in my survey [which I will be submitting for publication soon, if nothing else so that I can share the results with you all], a majority of respondents preferred women 26 and over. A fair amount preferred women 31-35. It seems to me that among the men who responded (mean age was 49.5!!!), there was a certain wish to engage with someone who more closely mirrored their own state of being [at the time of the survey.] I found this very encouraging and very human - it shows that these men are genuinely looking for someone who responds to their needs, more than just a perfect face or body. And that really does seem  indicative of someone who has reconstructed the concept of what good sex really means.

It's no longer the destination, it's the journey,
The Love Goddess

AZ - I am 54 and I feel that I am just as interested as when I was 30.  I wish my wife was the same way, but so be it.  Certainly, the performance (multiple rounds) is not as consistent as it used to be, but this is to be expected.  And, as the LG pointed out, being older and perhaps a little wiser (or perhaps alot "dumber" these days)I have more patience to a certain extent.  So, yes, I feel it depends on the person.

As a man of 56, my interest is still high -- but then I've done a lot to maintain my health and my testosterone levels. LG is spot-on in describing the diminishing levels of T in men past 40, but much of that (again, as she described) can be attributed to lifestyle and the typical Western diet laden in fat.

When I was a 248 pound tub o' goo with a 48"  waist (Dec. 90), my interest in sex was minimal (a wife who had very little interest didn't help). After losing the fat (down to 160 #), I then got in to the gym and began rebuilding the lost muscle. Now that I maintain vigorous exercise (cardio and muscle building), along with the proper diet and proper supplementation, I keep a lean 13% bodyfat composition and a steady weight right at 200#.

As of my last physical (June 09), my T levels were 323 g/L -- now that's normal but considered on the low side (entry level is 300g/L). But that scale is for all adult males -- so I'm doing pretty well for an old guy!

Do the work, invest in yourself and the health benefits will pay you back many times over for years to come -- some of them sexual, but something good everyday.

I am about to be 54 years old and can vouch for  lessened libido with age.  This has been an increasingly issue for just over a year now. it got to the point that I could not even feel any possibility of an orgasm occurring.  I used to say to myself that it was ok and concentrated on learning how to better please my lover.  Truth be told, for me it was a very depressing thing. But I decided to take action, and not go quietly into the night anymore as I am fighting back with my Urologist recommended testosterone therapy.  It's only been a month and I am seeing a good deal of progreess.  I love the hobby for the great sex, but mostlty for the wonderfully caring relationships I have been forming with my beautiful and attentive women I have had the fortune of meeting.  I want to continue to move on in that direction.

hi AZ.

of course i can only speak from my own life experiences, but i must say that the men you have described sound very atypical. i am a woman who has always been romantically and sexually involved with significantly older men, and i have found that with many men their sexual appetite and lusts tend to reach a peak in their 40s. by that age most men have long passed the wham bam/quantity over quality phase, their sexual needs and desires are far more complex and introspective.

as LG says, it's all about what's between the ears. in addition, most men begin to fully come into their own around their 40s...they tend to have a much more thorough understanding of themselves and with this comes a sense of settled ease and confidence. sexually this often translates into some very intense drives and experiences.

so with the men i personally have known intimately, the late 30s to late 40s tend to be a time of very high sexual energy and desire, filled with exploration and experimentation. i have never known a man who became less interested in sex in his 40s. more than likely factors outside of age (whether physical health, emotional stability, relationship issues, etc.) have played a role in the sex drives of the men you mention here.

I wil be 60 this year and have decided to adjust to seeing women in their mid to late 30 and 40's.  I have done multiple pops in sessions but they have been at least 90 min.  I love the journey as much as the end result.  Yes I have noticed a change along the years.  But I have stayed muscled and fairly lean for my height and weight.
Walking is essential in maintaining control and eating fresh fruits and veggies. I lift 2 times a week, play golf and walk as part of my weekly regiment.  I also get massage as often as I can.....Someone has to be me, right?