Dear fearfactor,

I am afraid I have to begin my reply with taking you to task. On a positive note, I am truly amazed that you are as fit as you are, with all the health issues you have endured..and are still imposing on yourself.

But now this: a year ago you had a heart attack; now, you are taking "the usual medications," with the shocking disclosure that you are smoking "more than a pack a day!"

The paradox in all this is that you "take pride in your physique." If you are serious about this, then please stop smoking! And with the stress and "high achievement" [read type A personality] you enjoy...well, would I be wrong in assuming that you have put some heretofore unconscious pressure on yourself in the sexual performance department as well?

It may very well be that you have always enjoyed women more from a physical standpoint than mentally or emotionally. Although you state that you "think" you "love this girl," I would venture to say that you have been ill-prepared and largely unaware of the consequences of living with someone on a daily basis. Physical proximity creates familiarity and, well, familiarity can breed "existential contempt." And that, my friend, can lead to an absence of libido.

So, I believe your problem may be two-fold: one, your physical health is clearly impacted by the smoking, your mental stress, and your post-heart attack condition and the attending meds for that and for the back pain (yes folks, those meds can have psychological side effects, not just physical); and, two, it is possible that once you began to relate to the girl beyond just the sexual, you may have become "emotionally paralyzed." I am also not sure that you "love" the girl, although you may be extremely infatuated with her...and that could also be a problem. Have you put her on a pedestal because she's hot and has a high libido? As many members of this board will attest, love and libido have zero connection, particularly when intimacy is concerned..although as you can see in a few threads below, it's a tossup between those who claim sex is better with love and those who state that you don't have to be in love with the one you're consorting with.

The way I see it, you've got two alternatives: a) begin communicating on a serious, deeper level with the girl; a diminished libido is never one person's crux to carry; b) get a good medical consultation regarding side effects of meds for blood pressure, back pain, etc.

AND PLEASE, PLEASE STOP SMOKING. For someone who's had a heart attack, that's pretty much tantamount to slow suicide.

Start talking to your lady friend,
the Love Goddess