Mr. Fisher- I live in a state where alimony/palimony does not exist, thankfully.
LG, as for age, I am in my late 20's, but moved out of my parents home at 17 during my parent's divorce. I have been on my own and alone (and homeless) before. I think I made the mistake of meeting up with a woman too much like my mother in the first case, and have let her threats to herself hold me in place for too long. I definitely do not have self loathing issues, in retrospect I feel i was looking at this situation from the financial side more than I should.
I think you are completely right about the coming clean part, although I think I will be breaking it off with the first woman without elaborating about my new relationship. She is unstable and I don't want more drama. I just need a few weeks to try to catch up the worst bills to try and make a somewhat stable break from the one I am living with. If my unemployment gets extended I can keep a roof over my head for another 2 months while trying to find something. I can survive with just my income, just not for too long if I can't find a job.
I have no family or friends I can count on financially. My family is extensive, but poor. They can barely keep food in their own mouths let alone worrying about me. I have never been one to have many friends (I am in general a very aggressive type-A personality- good for professional life, bad for friendships), and due to the woman I was with I alienated the ones I did have. Possibly the only true friend I have left is moving far out of state beginning of next year (although I wouldn't be remotely surprised if quite a few of my friends came out of the woodwork overnight if she disappeared from my existence).
As for my love of the new woman in my life, I really don't think its just infatuation. I heavily debated putting the fetish thing in there because I thought it might look bad, but I did it anyways because it was part of my train of thought while I was writing the first post. I was using it to illustrate the connection we have between us. A vast majority of what she knows about me is true, just my name and some home life details are false.
Most of your advice rings true though, and I am going to follow through with it once I have a small amount of setup completed.
First off, I love your work LG, I'm hoping you got some ideas to help me.
I am in a really bad spot! I've been in a relationship with a horrible woman for nearly 8 years (not married, thankfully), I am completely miserable, and I want out. My problem is that she has screwed up my life so badly financially that I cannot even survive without the small amount of money she brings in from unemployment due to losing my job a few months back. She has held a job for all of 1 year (stretched out in 3 month increments) of our 8 year relationship, while until now I have worked my balls off 50+ hours a week. When we argue she threatens to kill herself, and honestly, I am done being toyed with emotionally so that someone can sit on her ass all day for the rest of my life. She was given prescriptions for antidepressants and never took them. She is impossibly stubborn and self destructive and has exactly zero drive to improve her life. I have no love left for this woman, and I haven't for some time. If I hadn't lost my job, I would have told her to move out months ago.
Because our relationship has hit the skids (including sex disappearing), I had been seeing other women on the side on and off for the last few months (completely without her knowledge), using skills learned from hobbying sites to create a fake identity, complete with hobby phone and cover story for being so rarely available on the phone to keep women from being able to track me down if I wanted to end the relationship. It worked fine for its purposes, but is now biting me in the ass.
My problem now is, I have fallen completely head over heels in love with a woman I began dating over month ago (and the feeling is mutual, she actually said it first). It is as if she is my soul mate, but I lied about both my name and a few details of my home situation. I feel as if she is the one, more so than any previous woman ever was. I have never in my life had someone so perfectly in tune with me in both the bedroom and out of it, we share the exact same (VERY obscure) sexual fetishes (and I have made this woman cum with nothing but the sound of my voice), finish each others sentances and she just totally completes me. I honestly think I could tell this girl the truth and be forgiven, as she is very spiritual and a forgiving person- and she herself had previously been stuck in almost the same kind of relationship I am now trapped in. I would gladly bare my soul, computer passwords and my entire existence and whatever she needs to forgive my dumb ass to have this woman permanently in my life (I would literally marry this woman tomorrow if I could!). This girl herself is in a terrible situation where she is living (renting a room from a pseudo relative), and would gladly escape her hell to live with me. She is very dependable with a fairly stable job.
Now, I am trying very hard to find a job, and If I can find one, I will be stable enough to boot Girl 1 out immediately. But Girl 1 has me really screwed up financially, and I would come out much cleaner if I was able to claim the sponge on my taxes and get the writeoff for the large amount of my meager money she has sucked out of me. It is literally a $5000+ difference, and with my situation, it could the difference between being homeless or not. This would be enough to setup everything with my new love, and would give me until the beginning of the year (when I do my taxes) to make sure it isn't puppy love (which I don't think it is).
I really don't know what to do. If I admit my lies to the new woman before getting rid of the old one, it will look like I am not serious about moving her out and could cause painful drama. If I wait until mid January to drop the old one and come clean with the new one, I gain the financial stability, but risk further damaging the relationship with the new woman, who I love deeply.
HELP!
Dear somebodyhelpme,
Well, this is a sticky situation, isn't it? Lying to oneself and to others generally does complicate things.
I still say that you need to take the existential route and begin living authentically, albeit painfully (at first, it does get better with time). Your posting seems to have that "young guy's vibe," so maybe you're young and can still learn from your mistakes. If you're older, then maturity may come to you later. In any event, here goes:
1. Tell the truth to everyone and let the chips fall where they may.
2. Clearly, you are in no position to assume responsibility for other people's lives - in fact, you're barely able to be responsible for your own, judging by the decisions you have made in life. Please stop imagining that you are going to live with this 'new woman' successfully - you are nowhere near a stable emotional place. You need to learn how to exist ALONE before you go off with someone else.
3. "Love the woman deeply?" Surely you jest. Please don't confuse "sharing the same sexual fetishes" with deep and mature love. You may be 'in love' or even 'infatuated' with her, but a deep love it doesn't become until after years of STABLE investigation of the other person.
4. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. If "Girl 1" screwed you out of money, then count your blessings in getting rid of her and MOVE ON. You can't turn the clock back and you can't "claim the sponge off your taxes." She may have sucked you dry before, but now you're living on her unemployment. On top of it, you could be homeless if she weren't putting a roof over your head. So she's good for something, no?
I am sorry if this reply is harsh, but methinks you need some tough love to sort out your situation. My first advice is the most reasonable and sane one - STOP LYING TO EVERYONE. TELL THE TRUTH and see what happens. Tell your current flame about yourself and your situation. Who knows, maybe she'll have a solution? If she's as fabulous as you say she is, then she'll understand your dilemma. As to your former woman, well, there must have been something about her that kept you there...particularly if you weren't married. Whatever that was, this is apparently payback. On the other hand, there's no law that says you need to torment yourself and stay with her. You're not married, so that's a plus.
The one worrisome aspect in all this is the potential homelessness. With the risk of sounding clichéd, I would come clean to my family, friends and acquaintances and ask for help with a roof over my head. Maybe someone can help you until you get on your feet again. But living with the woman toward whom you've developed such a huge amount of antipathy is not healthy or helpful. As for your new love interest, please GO SLOWLY. Tell her the truth first and see where it goes.
Your love life is the least of your problems, actually,
The Love Goddess
Since you are not married, legally it doens't sound right.
It could also be evidence she will use against you in probate court to insist on palamony when you dump her.
(Hate to say this, but I think you ended up with my ex by the sound of things. She was a shark in the courtroom.)
(still not a lawyer, or an accountant.)
By the way, LG gave you excellent advice. You need time to find yourself without someone right on top of you all the time.
I live solo for many years, and it was a good experience as I learned to be my own best friend.
When you learn to like yourself, then others will likewise.
Mr. Fisher- I live in a state where alimony/palimony does not exist, thankfully.
LG, as for age, I am in my late 20's, but moved out of my parents home at 17 during my parent's divorce. I have been on my own and alone (and homeless) before. I think I made the mistake of meeting up with a woman too much like my mother in the first case, and have let her threats to herself hold me in place for too long. I definitely do not have self loathing issues, in retrospect I feel i was looking at this situation from the financial side more than I should.
I think you are completely right about the coming clean part, although I think I will be breaking it off with the first woman without elaborating about my new relationship. She is unstable and I don't want more drama. I just need a few weeks to try to catch up the worst bills to try and make a somewhat stable break from the one I am living with. If my unemployment gets extended I can keep a roof over my head for another 2 months while trying to find something. I can survive with just my income, just not for too long if I can't find a job.
I have no family or friends I can count on financially. My family is extensive, but poor. They can barely keep food in their own mouths let alone worrying about me. I have never been one to have many friends (I am in general a very aggressive type-A personality- good for professional life, bad for friendships), and due to the woman I was with I alienated the ones I did have. Possibly the only true friend I have left is moving far out of state beginning of next year (although I wouldn't be remotely surprised if quite a few of my friends came out of the woodwork overnight if she disappeared from my existence).
As for my love of the new woman in my life, I really don't think its just infatuation. I heavily debated putting the fetish thing in there because I thought it might look bad, but I did it anyways because it was part of my train of thought while I was writing the first post. I was using it to illustrate the connection we have between us. A vast majority of what she knows about me is true, just my name and some home life details are false.
Most of your advice rings true though, and I am going to follow through with it once I have a small amount of setup completed.
You must grow a set & move #1 out of your life, your home & etc. Try to do it gently but do not accept NO for an answer. You may have to call in the police or even get a restraining order.
I don't know what to say about your finances. Get a job flipping burgers or pouring coffee. You can not deduct a GF #1's costs. I have walked away from more than that. If you write her on your taxes... it could be construted as common law & you're trying to move her OUT! You don't need problems with the IRS. Take the hit & walk away.
If you really think you have a future with #2, you must tell the truth. However, do not run out & marry her. In fact, you can not move her in like a revolving door. I'd suggest at least 30 days, & oh, yes, remove every trace of #1 before letting #2 cross your threshhold for even a visit.
You might loose #2 & if so that's unfortunate. Lying about it does not help & the longer this goes on the worse it will be. You have to come clean... do not garbage dump everything just tell what she needs to know.
Best Wishes,
skb
Here it is-
"You need to learn how to exist ALONE before you go off with someone else. "
Simple. But simple ain't always easy.
1) The money is NOT important. I repeat -- no amount of money is worth living in hell!
2) Your Girl#1 is a whole can of worms which you have helped create. The only thing others have not mentioned is that physically moving, changing addresses, as part of the break up may be benificial. If you don't own, then move out, get a new place -- Girl#1 doesn't need to know the new address. Sounds like you need the break ASAP!!
3) Telling the truth is nice and ideal, but don't do it if it only makes YOU feel better & does nothing but HURT the other person. Don't continue actions that are deceitful or create new lies. But just like you give a child time to learn that Santa Clause is not real, nobody exposes all of their flaws at once in a new relationship. Dumping, or exposing/sharing, too much garbage at one time can drown the other person in the relationship.
well, it has been an interesting month.
I got rid of the pain in the ass. She cried but actually managed to hold it together and return to her parents.
I came clean to my new woman and she forgave me completely- she thought something was fishy and could see through my cover story, since she can read me like a book and can tell when I am lying. Apparently I wasn't as good of a liar as I thought. She was actually relieved that what I had lied about was so small in comparison to what she had feared. She was as madly in love with me as I was with her. She gave me 2-3 weeks to get the old one out (because she understood the financial crippling), I took 3 days. I made some arrangements so that I could make it without her money. My new woman was giddy.
As a Couple we actually understand how to communicate with each other and actually balance each other very well. Not that I buy into the whole astrology thing, but I am a Scorpio and she is a Cancer, and we literally read like the definition of a Scorpio-Cancer couple. It is almost eerie.
Now the "surprising" news, we are going to be having a baby in roughly 7-8 months (OBGYN appointment is after the first of the year, could not get any earlier so we are not 100% sure of conception date). No, it was not planned (she was on the pill, every day, no questions), but we see it as a mitzfah. We figure if we conceived through the birth control pill it was meant to be. I have people telling me I should be scared or feel like this is rushed, but for some reason I don't feel that way.
With our finances combined we can easily afford all our bills and a decent savings. I have actually found work that I will be able to start in the nearby future, and my unemployment has been extended so that I will be covered until it starts. This is a state agency job, so once the job starts, I will be essentially safe and secure for as long as I want the job.
It is amazing how easily everything in our lives has fallen into place together.
The reason I haven't returned to this site is because I haven't had any reason to, since I have given up the work that brought me here (I used to provide out of town security for escorts traveling to more dangerous locales as a side business as a driver and/or bodyguard). I felt that I should give an update to LG, since in this line of work she many times does not get to hear about the happy endings (no pun intended).
Thank you LG, much of what you said gave me the kick in the pants I needed. Now I have a beautiful woman, a baby on the way and real happiness. I have not been this happy in years. My friends and relatives have all commented on how much I smile, something I had not done in a long time.
If you will excuse me, I bid you all adieu to join my lady in bed.