Dear Love Goddess:

My ATF has just gone missing.  We had plans to meet in another city last week during one of my business trips.  I travel to her city 2-3 times a year (1500 miles away) and had met her there last year.  We just connected immediately, despite a significant age difference.  Since then, I have seen her about 5 or 6 times.  Although she lives in a distant city, we contact each other by phone, e-mail or text message every week or so just to say hello.  She accompanied me in 2 other cities as well.  Although we never talk much about money, I always have been generous, as she is trying to finish 8 years of college.  I have even advanced her money in the past to pay her bills and she has always made up for it.  She called me about 10 days before our planned meeting and asked for an advance to pay her rent.  I sent it to her and she called me when she received it.  She has always been honest and straight-forward with me.  We have a good time together, talk openly, and have talked about our relationship.  I told her at one time that I was afraid of becoming a little too attached to her emotionally, and I wanted to keep the "friendship with benefits" as it should be.  

My last contact was her text message 5 days before our planned meeting last week "I will see you soon".  Since then I have heard nothing, she has not returned my calls, text messages, or e-mails.  I know she has lot of drama in her life, often has trouble paying bills, and has several family members who rely on her for emotional and often financial support.  I also know she is an insulin dependent diabetic, required surgery a few months ago and has suffered from depression in the past.  I am worried that she may be sick, injured or worse.  If she wanted to break our relationship, she sure did not give any hints or signs.  This is so unlike her.

Like many people in this hobby, our relationship has remained discrete for good reasons.  Although I know her real name, address, a phone number and e-mail, I don't know any of her friends, family or "back doors" to find her.  I have called her multiple times and left messages and text messages.  I think I could deal with this better if I just knew she was OK.  What should I do?  How far should I go to find out what happened?  Should I just forget her?  

Friends take care of friends.  You may be in a "business relationship" with this person but she's still a person.  Imagine it being a customer that you deal with personally in your business and all of a sudden they vanished.  You'd use the info you had to tell somebody? Right?    Do it.

Maybe worry a little but keep it to yourself. Let's say that you are married like I am and many others Hobbyists. I am a diabetic and take good care of it along with a number of other medical issues. Doesn't stop me from having fun or even having a couple of very close relationships like yours. Would I want a very special friend who happens to be a provider contacting my home if I pulled a NC/NS? The answer is HELL NO!!! If that wasn't clear, what about this: Not in my lifetime or hers either. Like you said, you know nothing about her family or even if she has one. Don't even think about becoming an intrusive, stalking lover. I feel for you; best wishes and BE COOL!!!!

Yes, Docadams,
Bearing in mind your feelings about her, you should worry...but should you contact her?

Among many points in your posting, you make this one: "our relationship has remained discreet for good reasons." You then state "I know she has lot of drama in her life, often has trouble paying bills, and has several family members who rely on her for emotional and often financial support."

My question is this one: Do YOU have the stomach for the potential drama in your life that could ensue by your attempts to contact her? Some putative scenarios may include the following:

1. Nothing is wrong with her and she's just busy with her "drama.." and she gets very annoyed at being contacted in her capacity as a private individual and not as an escort.

2. Something HAS happened and her family will find out who you are and what she does for a living. Worst case scenario, they may turn their rage upon YOU [yes, I have experienced this in my clinical practice,] where all of a sudden, you become the lightning rod for all that has gone wrong with her, etc. etc.  

3. All is not well, and she will appreciate your efforts at contacting her. And to this end, you may be asked to pitch in financially, emotionally etc. beyond your capacity. If you are not able to assist, your relationship with her will be impacted.

4. Something has gone very, very wrong and you will be contacted by LE. You will then be prompted to tell the truth...from which her family may become devastated. You need to ask yourself if you want to be the one blowing any type of whistle, even if warranted.

Now, I realize that these are scenarios of the more 'ominous' variety, but before I go advising someone to do one thing or another, I ask that the person reflect on the consequences these seemingly caring and innocent actions may have upon others.

I am also trying to make a few points here: Your relationship, in the eyes of the law, carries an illegal element which may impact you in some fashion. If you do contact her, you must be prepared for any kind of consequences. In addition, you are NOT her boyfriend or SO, you are a paying client. And, I beg to differ: in this regard, escorting is not like many conventional business relationships; there is secrecy, duplicity, illegality and many aspects of deception involved - including assumed identities, fabulations and other possible deviations from a conventional, straight-up situation you may have with a supplier or legitimate service provider. Hence, the relationship does need slightly different handling than say, if your dentist or lawyer went missing.

If I'm not mistaken there was a thread a while back on TER which aroused great passion and divisiveness among the members. It concerned a hobbyist who somehow contacted a provider's father [correct me if I'm wrong here, folks] because he thought the provider was being abused.. [or some such issue, egads.] Somehow, the provider's details leaked out; many TER members, providers included, were clearly outraged that this hobbyist had overstepped his boundaries.

Perhaps one of the more eager readers of the boards will come forward and give us a link to the very lengthy and passionate thread. Perhaps you will consider the questions I have raised in my reply. Yes, we understand your concern...but will she?

Think very carefully before you proceed,
the Love Goddess

Chances are she's only missing from your life-- not that she is a missing person in the legal definition of the word.

I had a similar situation many years ago with a long distance provider. I was much more impressionable then and tended to believe what I was told by not only providers but people in general. Like you, my girl was a 5-7 time a year thing. We also met up in different cities when I was traveling, always at my expense. I thought of us more as "special friends" with benefits.

Just before she graduated from graduate school, I received a frantic call from her asking if I could front her an advance on out next rendevous...It was a sizable amount as our next get together was to be a celebratory week following her graduation and we were meeting in Vegas...I sent her the money.

Never heard another word from her. Despite numerous attempts using various methods, all I got was deafening silence. I, like you, was worried for her safety, etc. It really never dawned on me that she was taking my money and running.

I had a little personalized gift that I had made for her as a graduation present but never had the chance to give it to her. So, after 6 months or so went by, I sent it to the address I had with a simple note explaining this gift was made for her and that I hoped she was well and wished her the best in her life...About a week later, I got a call from her- she said she was embarrassed about she'd done and then explained that she had got married to the guy she had been dating in grad school. You know, the guy she never mentioned to me during the 3 years I'd "known" her....LOL

Sometimes things are what they seem... you are a client--

Same in the sense that I have lent an ATF money which she will make it up in sessions.   I have not worried about it, nor would I, should she stop seeing me.   I know what I am getting my self into.   But to tell the truth, I doubt very much that she will disappear.   Not only because I know where she lives--that is where we meet, although she could disappear from her apartment as well--but because I think I know her well enough.  

In a sense that is what you have to decide--do you really know her well enough to know that she is missing from you now, but she may not be missing from you permanently.

As to inquiring of others as to her whereabouts--I would keep out of it.  In this hobby, discretion is the word.

As for whether you should try harder to contact her, that depends on your relationship with her. From what I read she has not yet let you into her civilian life. Especially if your are married, I would not go further except to wait for her to contact you. . . unless, of course, you want your money back.

This is a text book case of situational ethics if the hobby profession were taught in graduate school.  Previous posts have covered all the dimesions- risks, morality, obligation, etc.
I'm sure you are weighing all these valid considerations, and will decide on the basis of what your own knowledge of the situation is, and your best judgment.  If this looks like a weasel answer, I don't mean it that way.  If your situation were mine, I would try to contact her as discreetly as possible and find out what's going on, and take it from there. But that's me --In a caring situation, I've always been someone who wants to find out "why", and sometimes I waste time, or put myself at needless risk and expense.  And sometimes, I find out what's what and can deal with it, help out, or bow out knowing that I went the extra mile, and that makes a big difference to me.  But you have to decide.  Good luck.

Yes, you should worry-- worry why you're spending your time worrying about someone you pay, that is. Take the hint- she's got more important things going on than taking your money right now. She's fine. Even if she weren't fine, you're not part of her life to help anyway.
Sorry to be a jerk, but somebody had to say that's it's a relationship based on money.

at least three occasions.

In some cases with a person I'd known for several years and had gone on several overnights with.

It sucks and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

It's one of the downsides of this otherwise buccolic hobby.

well, that and I use the search function well and have a freakishly good memory for things I read.

-- Modified on 7/14/2007 8:46:48 PM

You're not a jerk and in 9 of 10 cases what you say is probably the most sensible course, but docadams stated he cared for the lady, and saw her as a human being possibly in difficulty -- something more than a commercial provider.  That happens, as readers of these boards well know.  Docadams is well justified in walking away, but if he feels he should take a calculated risk to try to find out more, that's only very human and laudable in many cases.

Contact this girl only thru a lawyer who will be able to keep (legally) any confidences.  This girl could be mixed up in something you want no part of.  She may not want you part of it as well.  A Lawyer will know how to ask discreetly and with no prejudice. The world is rarely what it seems sex business---this goes for ALL PARTIES and BOTH SIDES.

No good deed goes unpunished ..or...the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I really appreciate all of the responses and every ones' honest input.  I have taken this all in and thought very carefully about each of the posts.  There is merit in everyone's input here.  This has been one of the most difficult things I have dealt with personally in many years.

I have decided not to contact her for now.   I have no fear or lack of courage for my safety.  But on careful reflection, I believe her disappearance from my life was calculated on her part.  I believe we were becoming too close.  I believe she realized this more than I did.  I do not believe she is a bad person.  It was never about the money for me and in the end, I don't believe it was about the money for her either.  I believe this has been almost as hard for her as it has for me.  And I believe, despite the drama in her life, she is a survivor and she has many friends who will take care of her.  Despite the dysfunction in her family, if she is ill, injured or worse, they will come together to her aid.  She does not need me to embarrass her or make things more difficult than they already are.  She never wanted to be rescued, and that was never my intention.  

I cannot begin to express how sad I am, or how much I regret not having the chance to say goodbye.  I will never forget her, and I will always wish her well.  But I promise, here and now, that I will never leave a friend the way she left me.  Because, even if she suddenly reappeared, for whatever reason, I am not sure we could ever be the same.  When I met her, I only wanted dinner and a good lay.  Neither of us expected to form a serious attachment.  I don't know if these things can be prevented.  Finally, all hobbying aside, I really don't want this experience to make me unable to love or unable to be loved.

In any event, I think I will take a few days, have another good cry, and then I am going to find a gorgeous woman and fuck our brains out.  How about you, Love Goddess, are you available?

Everyone - Thanks for being there.

Doc.


-- Modified on 7/16/2007 12:44:57 AM

ahhh a very healthy, empathic and wise resolution.  You will do what is right, and karma will reward your maturity and self-restraint. you are not alone...

Doc,

I don't think you need to sound so poignant.  I will bet the lass blows ballast.  And after everything you've been through, what will you do when she does?

I would think carefully about it.  These situations come up for a reason, and there are real merits to "playing it cool" and keeping your own boundaries - even if your object of desire chooses not.

In the meantime, I *highly* suggest you go find yourself another provider and get laid.  It does wonders for the aching heart...and ego.

She'll be back.................

BS

MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION: One of the hardest things to do is to do NOTHING. Sit tight and wait and see.
It is usually the best "action" to take im these matters and in many life situations.  Let things play out....then be ready to play tjhe ball when it comes around to you again !!!!