OK, so here it goes. I'm a 59 year old married male (20 years faithful with two kids, late teen and early 20's). I care deeply for my wife and our family life but here is the kicker, I have no sexual attraction to the Mrs. It was never our strongest suit to begin with.  She has a very low sex drive, little imagination etc.etc. We've already been to a therapist about it. She has gained alot of weight over the years to the point that she is considered medically obese (she is probably about 40 lbs or so overweight). From early in our relationship she made it clear that she is not a "stay fit" kind of person, didn't like going to gyms etc. She won't work out and is extremely sensitive about the whole subject matter. I've learned not to bring it up anymore. So where does that leave me?  I've been exploring the hobbyist world on-line and am very attracted to it although I haven't yet given it a try. The women are so beautiful that it boggles my mind. I feel like a teenager looking at the ads. The thing is I don't want to take the risk of bringing home an STD to my wife. I couldn't live with myself if that happened. I keep thinking of my options which seem to include 1) leave my wife 2)don't become a hobbyist 3)stay married, become a hobbyist but don't have any sexual relations with my wife. Note - as I said, she is not sexually needy but if I completely cut off all relations it would be noticed and questioned. I'm looking to find a way to keep my family and be a hobbyist without endangering my wife. Hopeless?  Any thoughts suggestions?  Would love to hear from LG and others.

Thanks all

Ok, sparky5363,

Here it is short and sweet: if you are conflicted about these life decisions, get into individual psychotherapy, start exploring your options AND MAKE A DECISION. Only YOU can decide what's best for you. For some, it's staying married and going to escorts on the side. For others, it's taking the leap and beginning to live authentically, yes, with some pain, but ultimately with freedom.

Philosophically, many people have existential anxiety about being alone. This drives them to all kinds of unhealthy relationships. They stick to the same person year in year out, in some kind of emotionally sadomasochistic prison, fearful of leaving, hating to stay, vacillating and slowly aging into oblivion. Bitterness often follows, with regret over lost opportunities.

I'm sorry, but as a therapist and as a human being, I just don't buy it anymore. Life is TOO SHORT to suffer needlessly. If you really care for your wife, tell her THE TRUTH, which incidentally will set you BOTH free. Tell her that you care deeply, but that you need sex. If she's not willing to give it to you, you'll have to get it elsewhere. If she's not OK with that, then ask her what she thinks you should do. Ask her to come up with a plan. If she selfishly states that you should go without just because she feels like it, then it's up to you to decide if you want to continue the sadomasochism in every day life, or evolve into a free, but yes, sometimes alone, and sometimes lonely, human being. You've got about 25 or so more years to live, so make your choice carefully.

This is the existential condition - it catches up with all of us and ultimately we, as human beings with the free will and consciousness of agency that separates us from chimps, dogs et al., must deal with from birth to death.

JP Sartre lives,
the Love Goddess

And that's because sex with the Mrs. is a bummer even though he still cares for her.  Seems to me becoming a careful and purposeful hobbyist is the ideal solution, and the only option that meets his criteria.  Of course there are some potential hazards, but they can be minimized, and calculated risk is a part of everyday life, IMO.

Dear noagenosage [love the username!],

That's precisely my point. If she does, then he needs to be truthful [yes, the truth hurts but will set everyone free] and tell his wife that he doesn't like to have the kind of sex with her that she likes to have with him - whatever that kind of sex is.

No one likes deception, and the worst kind is the one you administer to yourself,
the Love Goddess

Thank you both for your posts. LG, perhaps it is time to go into psychotherapy. Noagenosage has a point though. Its not that the Mrs. won't engage in sex, its that its lost all its appeal to me given her weight and general attitude about fitness. I also find myself very attracted to the idea of being able to be with other beautiful women. The part thats hard to reconcile is that I'd be giving up my family life and facing the prospect of being alone, which as I near 60 doesn't hold alot of appeal either.  No doubt its a conundrum for me. Don't think there is a quick answer here so I'll take LG's advice and do some personal exploration.  Thanks SO much for the input.

Let me tell you ... I'm in my 60's and being alone is not always that great, but it beats the hell out of being in an unsatisfactory relationship!  I can contemplate my options with no guilt attached.

sounds like my story - im 58 marrried 23 yrs
i work , do triathlons - wife gained 80 lbs in first five years
thought i would never have sex again - talk about depressed --then about a year ago after pulling a hamstring after a race went to get a massage at a place near work -(chinese) niave me - got a happy ending- i had no idea - found craigslist - and saw - "reviewed on TER" -curious what does TER mean. found it.
i have met so many very sweet nice women,and had some truly unbelievable experiences- changed my life - you only live once - i am discreet and careful - no problems to date. i am stuck with the wife as she is financially dependent on me and has health issues, but  i finally started enjoying  myself after years and years of trying to make everyone else comfortable and happy.
my advice - enjoy yourself - you are not getting any younger

go see a provider, (hopefully someone well reviewed on ter so that u have a good experience), use 2 condoms if necessary, get your freak on, then see if all that proposed drama and waxing over the decision is warranted.  

i completed an 4 hour date with a 'newbie' on sunday.  30 yrs he had been faithful to mama, and he was still madly in love with her, and had nothing but good things to say about what a wonderful gal she was.  but at 57, he wanted to 'feel' the girlfriend experience again.  he frankly wished his wife would consider getting a little on the side too just for her own confidence.  we had a blast and i'm guessing his relationship with the little woman will also be enhanced.  I was so glad that he chose to let me provide such a great gift to him.  One of the reasons I really enjoy this gig.  

i think your decision will be alot easier after you take the plunge with your first provider.  

See Related Link.

i was being facetious

...how many "psychotherapists" would offer an option to see a provider as one of the solutions to this all too common conundrum.  That is, how many would see engaging in an activity which is considered mostly illegal as an option?  What would happen if this were reported to a professional licensing board?  Would they consider it a legitimate option?

Guess it depends on whether or not the professional had the proclivity of wearing pocket protectors and nerdy glasses.

To Sparky...your situation is all too common.  Hobbying is not for the faint-of-hearted.  There are many pit falls.  But, on the otherhand, there are many benefits, and there are very many wonderful women out there...who will fuck your eyeballs out...trust me.  While I no long hobby with the veracity I did previously, I do have a "regular" provider who keeps me happy.

Consider the hobby.  Visit the newbie forums, ask alot of questions, do your homework, take the plunge.

Then wear a smile on your face.

BS

Dear BigSplooge,

The answer to the questions in your first paragraph is as follows: It has been my professional experience that the majority of "psychotherapists" [I assume that you mean any licensed mental health professionals providing psychotherapy] do NOT suggest the option of seeing a provider for this condundrum. This is less because of the illegal aspects, and more because we are trained in the model of the client himself/herself arriving at a solution that will best address his/her needs. Now if the client discloses having engaged with prostitutes, an exploration of this will surely be grist for the therapeutic mill, just as any behavior would during the session. As to the therapist actively dissuading the client from further engagement - that is up to each therapist and his/her theoretical orientation. There are no ethical guidelines stating that a therapist "must" tell the client not to meet with prostitutes, although I would imagine that most therapists will steer the discussion subtly toward the negative aspects of paying for sex.

Reporting such a suggestion to the licensing board would entail filing a formal complaint by the client himself/herself - in other words, the client would claim that s/he has suffered some kind of adverse effect or damage upon hearing [and possibly acting upon] this suggested intervention by the therapist. Third party complaints are hearsay and the board considers this in its decision to further investigate. If however, the client did receive this type of advice from the therapist, solicited a prostitute, was arrested and asserted that he was only acting upon the advice from his counselor, then this would constitute an ethical violation and the board would act accordingly. Depending on the therapist's professional history, his/her license would probably be up for revocation and then stayed, with the therapist entering his/her own counseling, a diversion program on legalities/ethics, and finally pay back all fees collected from the client during the treatment period.

OK, I'm a professional with a proclivity for wearing push-up bras and Chanel shoes - does that tell you what my option would be
the Love Goddess

I want to remark to "your all too common conundrum"  how do you this civilization as a whole functions now and has in the past?there's alot of testosterone in this world and if providers weren't there to provide (pun intednded) the "pressure relief" we'd have a f-k ton more angry folks strolling the streets.
Even Pope Clement IV said providers are neccesary to a functioning society coining the term "neccesary evil."

...now you're giving me a completely different vision.  I didn't know you could climb the Himilayas in Chanel pumps?

But that is a vision.

BS