Dear thurmanter,
As a clinical professional, I would be remiss in my duties if I "told you what to do." Undoubtedly, you are on a website which facilitates commercial sex, so if you ask the men who are TER members, they will most likely tell you that it's OK and that you should do it.

In my not-so-humble opinion, I believe that you are the only person who can and will make this decision, despite the ayes and the nays you may get from your environment. Since we on this board are unfamiliar with you as a person, it is impossible to predict whether or not you will feel guilt. We don't have a family history, we don't have a sexual history - all we have is someone asking "should I or shouldn't I?" Who knows?

Seeing that you have only had sex with one woman, your psychological organization may be different from the majority of men's belief systems or experiences out there. If someone would advise you what to do without having taken a thorough history - family system, life experiences, possible traumas, etc. - it would be quite irresponsible. Yes, who knows what the consequences may be?

As to being a "good husband," that would certainly not be someone who doesn't communicate intimately with his spouse. I'd rather recommend a husband to discuss his sexual preferences IN DETAIL with his wife, wait for a reaction and then begin negotiating a solution. Everything in life is a negotiation, and especially sexual issues within a marriage. OK, so your wife isn't into a threesome? Fine. So you may want to have sex with another person and she doesn't want you to have that? Fine. Then what DOES she want from you? To be "faithful?" To only have sex in one position? What will SHE be willing to contribute to your apparently "unexciting" sex life? She also needs to learn that there's no free lunch. Unless you expand your sexual vocabulary...guess what, your guy may just go off and have sex with someone else! Tough titty! And then again, if your spouse asks you to have sex with the family dog...do you say no? Where are the limits and how are they verbalized? Punitively? Accusatorily? Kindly and with some understanding and patience?

Having powerful, in-depth communication about sexual issues is very difficult, and that's why people enlist the help of a therapist. Rather than jump into something feet first, I would advise you to contact a sex therapist in your area and have a few therapy sessions - with your wife. Sure, your wife may not bend on any of this, but at least both of you will have had an honest opportunity to speak your minds. What you need, more than a yes or no from this board, is to learn how to observe, negotiate and create your own sexual matrix. You can do that with only one woman - if she's willing to evolve right along with you - or you may need to have sex with a zillion chicks before something finally clicks. And of course, everything in between. But what you need more than anything else, is to get to know yourself. Only then will you know what YOUR definition is of a "good husband" and/or a good person.

Go to www.aasect.org and look for a sex counseling professionalin your area,
the Love Goddess  

-- Modified on 1/24/2008 7:53:16 PM

but I thought it might be useful to you to hear how the thought process wended its way with this formerly married hobbyist.

I hobbied pretty extensively prior to getting married, so the ice was broken, so to speak, on the morality issue.  Nevertheless, I felt that once I was married, I'd have no reason to ever look for sex with someone else because I married a sexually fullfilling lady who would satisfy me always...............NOT.

I gave it about seven years (seven year itch), and then decided that I could not go on without having interesting sex again in my life.  I as much as told her that if she would not satisfy me (We had gone from once a weekers to about once a monthers.) then I would find another outlet.  She pretty much ignored me.

I was pretty discreet about my hobbying but after about fifteen years of it, she got wind of it through one source or another.  By that time, she didn't seem to care too much either which was fine with me, but then she decided to cash out her chips, so to speak, and moved on.

That left me happier to tell you the truth, however, quite a bit poorer.  Still, the trade off was more than worth it.

Whatever you decide remember this:

It's better to regret something you have done rather than something you haven't done, and, you will be dead for a very long time.

Best of luck and thank you for coming and sharing your dilemma with this board.

could you have 16 reviews from 2003 - 2006, if your post is true.  I've re-read it several times trying to reconcile this, but have not been able to.  Either I am extremely obtuse, or you are not being honest.

Re: To Hobby or not to Hobby?

I think you should ask yourself - "Is the risk of regret for not taking a chance (for a unique life experience), more frightening than the risk of getting divorced?"

However I should also add - You just asked some very life-changing advice from complete strangers. Why?

...I think it may be that you want to receive a specific answer, and so you already know what you're going to do!

And just something to keep in mind - I do not believe it would be possible to have "a" duo (threesome). You'll probably be back for more, don't you think?!