Hi LG,
Its been a while since I posted anything, but I could really use some of your sound advice about my relationship. This might be long, so please bear with me. Four years ago, I met a wonderful man through this business. We were hot and steamy for about two years. He was married. His wife lived in another state, so we were able to spent quite a bit of time together. I fell in love. During these two years, he continued to “donate for my time”, but at a reduced rate. After two years, thinking he would never get divorced, I refused to see him anymore. Three months went by without speaking. My heart longed for him, but at the same time, I got myself back together. Work was going great, my body was in the best shape of my life and I began looking into graduate school.

One day, a mutual friend came to me and said my sweetheart was getting divorced and he planned on proposing to me. I saw online that the divorce was true and waited for his call. On the day his divorce was final, we met, went to dinner and he proposed (with a beautiful ring). I said yes. We moved in together. I continued to keep a separate apartment and adjusted my availability for work, so I would be home when he was. He never asked me to quit working. We went on this way for about a year. Other aspects of our life got funky. He lost his job, we lost the house and have since moved to an area where he was able to find work. We are relatively broke, but my attitude is that I can stick it out through good times and bad. I’m sure things will get better. Anyway, I moved with him and “retired”.  I found a full-time job at $10.50/hr and continued studying. Finding that it was impossible to study and work, I quit working in December. He supported my decision.

Here’s where the shit has hit the fan. A year ago, I found out he had begun scheduling providers again. I have confronted him four times over the past year and each time there is a different excuse. This last time, he has decided that its best if “we just don’t talk about it” because "whatever he says will only make things worse". The lovingness I once felt is waning. Furthermore, I see no point in being in a relationship where two people grow apart because there are things “that we just don’t talk about”. It seems like the more I make myself available to him, the more secure he feels to go out and f*ck around. What the hell has happened to us?

Should I just cut my loses and move on? Will he ever stop f*cking around? Will I ever feel that I am at the center of his world again? One part of me thinks that if things were 100% with us, he would feel no need to look elsewhere. On the other hand, I feel that if things were 100%, I wouldn’t care if he was f*cking around!  

Of course, there is more to this story but I won‘t go into all the details. Let me just say, all the little things that I question about us, I’m able to sweep under the rug, UNTIL his f*cking around is put on the table. This is the only thing we argue and breakup about. F*cking around seems to be the last straw. It makes all those little issues seem huge. So my question is…should I give it one last chance and try counseling (my idea) or just throw in the towel now and move on?
Any sage advice you can give would be
appreciated…
Thanks!

Cut your losses, OnMyWayOut?

As far as I'm concerned, you've already lost time, money and valuable emotional capital on someone who is way too stressed and incapable of being the man you want him to be. On the other hand, it's not his fault - research shows that some men have a specific genetic configuration that renders them incapable of sticking to one woman - which is probably what got him into hobbying in the first place. Add to that job losses, losing a home and supporting a student SO, and you've got a recipe for such high stress and pressure that hobbying is all he can do to keep himself somewhat occupied and getting some kind of instant [if fleeting] pleasure of the moment.

So should you "lose" more? Clearly not. Move on, and chalk this up to a life experience and a lesson well learned. And next time, for lifelong bonding, choose a beta-male who has absolutely no interest in having sex with anyone except you. There are such guys - you just don't find them while escorting.

It's painful but you need to get through it,
The Love Goddess

and I make this in all sincerity:

If you wish to meet a man who will be monogamous with you, do not look for him in the hobby.

One would think that this is so obvious that it does not need to be stated, but this is not the first time a provider has complained that a man she thought would stay monogamous has not.

But I think you are right! He's been "hobbying" in one form or another for more than 30 years. This is not going to change. Thanks for your advice!

Believe me, I was not looking for a relationship when we met. I had just re-joined the hobby myself after many years in the straight world and I was having the time of my life! I did not pursue this relationship. After each break up, he would not leave me alone. Getting engaged, I knew it would be a rough road. Lack of trust being the main component. I thought I could handle it. I was willing to work at it. When we met, he told me the reason he hobbied was because of a non-existent sex life at home. Silly me, I believed him...

Does a good relationship require Monogamy?
We have all talked about the difference between love and sex here.
Since I started to hobby I have grown in my understanding of relationships. I now realize that if EVERYTHING is good in a relationship then there will be monogamy without effort. But people do change and grow and I believe that you can "love" someone but have sex with another. I think guys who hobby were never meant for one person.

Isn't love more about letting go than possessing, after all?

But, it does require honesty, the willingness to negotiate and the ability to talk. None of these things are happening at the moment. Hence my question about the possibility of counseling.

I have looked into open relationships, polyamory etc. I would even consider this to be an option, but I need to feel safe and informed...like we are working together towards the ideal relationship.

BTW, Thank you for your input. I need all the insight I can get right now

Thank you for the reminder!
Relationships are a dance, aren't they. Two steps forward, two steps back. I think its time to take two steps back, stand fully on my own and see where that leads us....

LG & OnMyWayOut,

I think the phrase, "a man is as faithful as his options" holds much truth.

Give a man--Alpha or Beta--the opportunity to live out a sexual fantasy with his dream girl without getting "caught" and he will take it. Not because he loves his SO any less, not because he wants to lie to her or harm her, but simply because it is a fulfilling thing to live out a brief fantasy with a dream girl.  

The only reason that the Beta is less likely to do this is because he does not create the "option".  

Furthermore, I believe, that realizing a fantasy with a dream girl can be done without any harm to the primary relationship.  Think of it as a short-lived, meaningless, physical intimacy on the order of a massage at the spa which holds none of the elements essential to a true relationship.  

The harm is done when the man feels that his SO will not accept this and he chooses to hide it or lie about it.  Then she becomes suspicious and judgmental.  Then he becomes withdrawn.  Then things spiral into an ever worse condition.

Perhaps the solution is to acknowledge that this is a part of every male's nature and focus on the essential element of a relationship--emotional intimacy.  If you have the emotional intimacy, love and understanding in place then you cannot lose your man to the hobby because that is NOT something he can find here on TER.

Possibly his infidelity has only served to make you notice that the emotional intimacy is gone in which case you need to fix it or dump him.  

Or perhaps your response to his infidelity has caused the emotional intimacy to wane in which case you may be throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

If you can't have the man, at least have the hand.

(And yes, I am well aware of the Seinfeld episode devoted to this subject.)

on the surface, this does not seem like a good idea.  I would agree that there are certain men who have a wandering gene or something.  Serial cheaters will probably never change.  I do know some...  one was married 3 times & no one knows how many others there were.

On the other hand, I do believe that some who hobby NOW but have had long intervals of faithfulness, might be the exception.  It would be worthy of discussion, anyway.  I think that it is possible for one woman to keep a man sexually satified...  if that is what SHE chooses to do.  Way too many women use the ration system or trade sex for certain others things they want (Gee this sounds like prostitution!).

In this case, with 30 years in the hobby, I agree with LG that this leopard will not change his spots & best to move on.
Truely Best Wishes,
skb

Dear OnMyWayOut,
Sounds like you've already been giving him every chance in the world to change and take him back and make it work, OVER 4 YEARS. Sounds like his divorce being final and same day proposing to you was his way of saying " I need a place to land and your pants will do". Sorry to be so blunt and rude, but your heart for him sounds pure and true.Your his wife and deserve better and truly honest communications. Since he now refuses to even "talk about it" is a clear sign he doesn't see you and him in long term and he's already looking for his next victim from the "hobby". Cut him loose. Let him bring his no talking controlling, hobbing crap to someone else. You sound way to good for him and deserve much better. Did you go on to grad school ? A lot hot dudes there for sure : )

OnMyWayOut,
Another 2 thoughts just came to me about ur problem.
First, you're right to not to want to be lied to. No one likes to be lied to,when the simple truth many times is easier to reconcile than lies. Believe me I know. I've been lied to when the truth would have made sense, and that just makes more anger. The second thought is more of a comment on the post to yours by "anonymous", this sounds like having several hidden messages directed at someone. I wonder who that could be ??? It just sounds like he's defending a position directed at ??

OnMyWayOut,
The only thing that could make the fact that he lied to you even worse is if there were a couple of children involved. He's already lied (hobbied for years) to his previous wife and children. He could have spent their 401ks and lost his job for same reason. You admit ur life was getting back going forward. Work was good and then it all went downhill after he proposed. He continued with his habits and lied this time with your warm hearted support and your funds. Now your broke.... ? You need to protect yourself. You don't need seek counseling to know right from wrong.

OnMyWayOut,
Don't give up on wanting to be one mans only center of the world and his only desired woman. It does exist (Beta man or whatever you call it)out there, each and every day. This so called hobby just isn't made to admit it.
I had a wife who I loved so much and she loved me, she died young and I never desired another woman. Until after 21 years I met my current "center of my world". And again, I know that she's the only woman for me and others don't reach me the same way. Younger, thinner, bigger breasts, better BJ, more sex, doesn't attract me like she does. So in your world, don't settle for the crap that others here try to pass off as justification for their own short falls. And YES, you can be all and everything to the right man and would and could ever want. Just not the current tool you may be seeing.
Why would you accept him P4Pin when you're financially broke ? He gets laid and you get screwed.... Hmmmmm.