Over the course of my 30+ years, I’ve learned that I am incapable of initiating and maintaining a romantic relationship with a woman.  I’m not a virgin, but because of my problems with intimacy, I have limited sexual experience.  Specifically, I’ve had sex three times.  

My few sexual experiences have not been especially pleasurable.  Less so for my partners.  The sex that I’ve had has only been casual.  I’ve never made love to a woman, I’ve only fucked.  I usually reject women that see me as a potential partner, and the more I like them, the harder it is for me to touch them.  

My earliest sexual encounter happened when I was a teenager.  There was a girl that adored me.  I talked to her almost every day, sometimes falling asleep on the phone with her.  Eventually, she forced the issue; she could tell I couldn’t make the first move.  During our encounter, I barely kissed her.  Barely touched her.  Finished in two minutes and basically left the house before she could put her pants back on.  I never talked to her again, and I still feel bad about hurting her feelings all these years later.

Because of my issues, I think I subconsciously took myself out of the game by putting on a lot of weight.  My problems with women “threatening” me with love mostly went away, but there were still a few who tried because I tend to get along with women very well.  I’m a good conversationalist.  I’m opinionated, assertive, but compassionate too.  I’ve been called funny, smart, and even charming.  Heck, I’m even a feminist.  I’m quite good at providing emotional intimacy, but as soon as a woman tries to make extended eye contact with me, I flee the premises.

I’ve now seen almost all my friends get married.  I’m always hanging out with couples now, and it kills me.  But I’m trying to change that.  I’ve lost 80lbs through diet and exercise with about 25lb more to go.  I dress better.  Groom well.  And I’ve noticed that women are starting to take notice of me again.  But inside, I’m still the same.  In the dating world there are words for me: pathetic nice guy, wimp, loner, loser.  

While I identify with all those terms (unfortunately) what the dating “experts” don’t understand is that I would rather punch a 6’5 cage fighter in the face than kiss a girl I like.  When a girl flirts with me, it literally feels like she’s pointing a gun at my head and saying, “Just let me shoot you.  You’ll like it.  I promise.”  My intense fear makes no sense.  It has no logic.  It’s not normal.  That’s why it’s a mental illness.

I have not been officially diagnosed, but I’m very aware of my traits and have narrowed myself down to 1 to 2 personality disorders based on my behavior and some shamefully buried childhood experiences.  I won’t get into specifics, but the prognosis is not really very good for me.

My means are limited and both therapy and hobbying are very expensive.  So I can either go to therapy or I can start hobbying.  While it sounds obvious that I should go to therapy, it’s not the easiest of choices.  Therapy will take years and there’s no guarantee I’ll get better.  I will, however, learn a lot more about myself and hopefully get to the root of my issues.  

On the other hand, hobbying will help me in other ways.  For one, I won’t feel as sexually repressed.  Also, it’s a lot more fun than therapy.  Heh.  And as the years pass, I find that one of the major reasons why I can’t initiate physical intimacy is because of my lack of sexual experience.  There’s not a woman in the world with less sexual experience than me, especially not of my age.  So I feel like I need some confidence in that department and that will only come from experience.  Currently, if I have sex with a woman I actually having feelings for (not a professional), they will discover just how weird I am, and the shame involved with being found out makes me want to kill myself.

Help.

Dear derailed,

You are asking a licensed sex therapist for advice, so I will simply say this: if you want to get to the bottom of your issues, then intense psychotherapy with a skilled professional will help you much more than paying to have time-restricted sex with strangers. You seem to have some self-loathing issues and some deficiencies of "the self" - issues which will not be resolved by paying for sex. I would advise psychodynamic therapy which focuses on characterological problems rather than cognitive-behavioral issues. As to your being mentally ill: unless you've been formally diagnosed with a mental disorder by a specialist, I'd be careful throwing such statements around. Characterological issues and bona fide mental disorders are two separate things altogether - best not confuse the two. At least go see a qualified therapist who can assess you, rather than guessing a personality disorder on your own.

Now, when you just want to have fun, then paying for sexual experiences can be very enjoyable. And yes, it will certainly expand your sexual repertoire. As long as you understand that paid sex is not a substitute for deep or mutually intimate relationships, you can obviously have a good time whenever your wallet allows.

My vote is for in-depth psychodynamic therapy, but hey, to each his/her own,
The Love Goddess

Your story touches me quite a bit because thirty years ago I was there, except that you seem to be experiencing this on a much greater scale than I did.

In any case, I did both.  I had about four years of therapy, albeit with a non-licenses shamanistic type therapist rather than a licensed one.

I also hobbied through this period with my therapist's knowledge and consent and found that (and still find it) very theraputic, as well as a whole lot of fun.  In about three years of weekly visits and group therapy, my ill at ease with women was pretty much cured, and I even ended up marrying (Which has its ups and downs, believe me.)

No two person's conditions are exactly alike, and I think you should weight the LG's advice very carefully, but I thought you should at least hear my case as you contemplate your next move.

Regardless of how you proceed, I wish you the very best.

Thank you, LG.  I think that was the response I expected from you but with a level of specificity that I couldn't have predicted.

I will look into psychodynamic therapy and see if I can get it covered with insurance.  And yes, I know that I shouldn't diagnose myself, but I guess it feels better to say that I'm mentally ill than just weird.

Thank you, Mrfisher.  I was hoping that someone would come out and say they could relate.  I feel like there must be others who have dealt with these problems in a similar way, and I've been looking for guidance.  Your post shows me that I can continue to improve on myself, and that I can work on getting past most of these issues.

Thanks for your success story, Mrfisher.  I hope to get married too someday, or at least, have the choice of getting married someday.

of course there are many who are emotionally detached and can't connect.  I have met many men like this. You are not alone here.
Just knowing this is Not what you want out of your life is a start. Now changing things will  take time but it is possible and I too wish you the best.

Thank you, sweetnicole.  I hope I'm on my way.  The last girl that liked me (about a year ago) I hurt immensely with my mixed signals and constant rejection of her.  She finally went away, and so I'm not emotionally distressed anymore.  All my anxiety has disappeared now, and I feel relieved.  Unfortunately, I'm also terribly depressed too because she's gone.  I loved her.

She's the main reason why I've decided that I can't live like this anymore.

If anyone wants to see what it's like being me, there's a 2 minute scene in the movie Adaptation that illustrates my behavior.  It's painful for me to watch.

It's on Youtube, "Adaptation part 4."  The scene begins at 1:08 and ends around 3:29.  Listen closely to the voice over at the end of the scene.

I can relate completely to what you're saying. I grew up in a brutally sexually repressive household. I was beaten for playing with the neighbor girl in the bushes and for displaying any sexual feelings or anything to do with nudity or relieving myself outdoors. I have always loved women (to a fault). Women are my best friends, but I've always pushed the ones I'm most attracted to away and let them know that I was only interested in friendship. I was a virgin until age 30 (though I was a hippie in the time of free love). I'm married now, but there is no sex, only companionship (which is also good). I subscribe to sites like this because I feel so cheated. I've seen several providers but have yet to experience a satisfactory sexual experience. My wife is also sexually inexperienced and past menopause and not interested in sex. It is the blind leading the blind, and there seems to be no hope. Anyway to answer your question, hobbying seems to offer no help for the main problem. With the right provider, though, the closeness and understanding seem to help to some extent. I wish there was a better answer.

Dear offcenter,

In response to your query: Please go to the link and check the list for compassionate sex therapists. Sexual surrogates do not necessarily advertise openly, nor may this be the right solution for you. You may need to formulate a treatment plan that includes a variety of helpful interventions, even including your wife.

Please check the list,
The Love Goddess

I'm not a doctor but I think most people who are truly mentally Ill don't realize it, you just seem to have self esteem issues which are not uncommon for both men and women. I would reccomend a book to you called "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns.  While I haven't experienced the problems you are having, I have had to deal with depression which runs in my family. I think this book would help you.