The scenario goes like this. I am just out of a 51/2 year relationship...a good choice for both parties and we are friends.

I do not want to jump into another LTR just yet...just doing my own thing etc.

Have a friend of about 1 year with whom things have gone to the FWB level. they are emotionally unavailable (straight from the horses mouth). However, just recently things have changed. the other night I was invited for dinner. Let's just say the dinner was one of the most romantic I have ever had, complete with moonlight stroll, holding hands, snuggling on the couch watching a movie and some of the hottest sex afterward.

This was ALL instigated by the other party, with me going along with the flow. The next day I get a call telling me how they are going to be set up with so-and-so and how there is no possibility of a relationship on the horizon with anyone etc. I listened and played the cool friend, but it stung. I had to seriously re-evaluate the whole situation. I feel there are mixed messages being given or am I the one making too much of this? I did not know that a FWB situation was that intense.

All I know is at this time, I need not be so available. Basically I'm as confused as all hell. Thoughts?

It sounds like a typical women. If I were you I would just wait it out and see if she changes her mind again.

How about us poor saps?

I suggest, humbly, that you cool things off here.  Keep things light and friendly, see other people (like providers, for instance) and stop playing with this dynamite.

(There is a chance that this gal is, knowingly or not, playing you.)

In time, you may start to sort out your feelings and make make some sense of them.

Acts of omission are a lot easier to deal with than acts of comission.

Thanks mrfisher, I was beginning to feel the "playing" angle. I will take you're advice and I suggested...be more unavailable when called.

"Basically I'm as confused as all hell. Thoughts?" Me too. I didn't get any of what you were saying, particularly the FWB. I tried to find it on the Newbie board under acronyms and no luck. And, mrfisher recommending the you see providers; I thought you were one from reading your previous posts???? Oh well. I'm confused.

Friends With Benefits

First...I believe the OP is a female provider, based on posts on the GD board.

If so, that changes things entirely.

So you are just out of a LTR and recently moved into something else with a friend. I'd be curious to know how much time passed between the LTR ending and the FWB thing beginning...but it's not paramount.
When a guy tells you he's "emotionally unavailable" he's telling you that he just wants to play around and play the field. It's saying that I want to fuck everyone I can, without emotion, and I told you up front so that if you get hung up...it's on you. That's a phrase I think is total BS, and I'm a guy. But whatever.

Another huge factor is whether or not the "friend" knows what you do for a living. That would change things entirely.

The friend made overtures because he wanted to have a great evening. He wanted all that he got. If he knows you're a "pro" then he might have figured that it's no big deal because you do it all the time. If he doesn't know, then he basically just wanted to have fun and doesn't care how you took it...because he already gave you his cop-out line.

My guess (and good heavens knows it's only a guess) is that you might have read more into it because you might have been looking for more. If you're in an LTR for that long, and things eventually go south, it doesn't happen overnight. So there was distance and issues long before the breakup. What that means is that you felt alone for a while. That, coupled with your job where you have to put on a 'happy face', can be quite draining.

My opinion is that what the "friend" did was wrong. Even if you give the disclaimer, putting the full court press on like that only takes somebody for a ride. A selfish ride.
Calling you the next day to tell you about the next one only cements that.

I (and I'm only just one voice in the bandwidth) would say that right now you have to take care of you. Your gut instinct is right. Don't be so available. Because as nice as you may be...there is always someone looking to take advantage of that.

That's just my opinion, and I have NO doubt that you will get MUCH better advice from LG.

Bottom line is that I'm sorry you went through that. He was wrong...and not such a nice person.
My opinion.

I really feel you are being toyed with...  This was not a "Friends With Benifits" hookup but a full blown romantic encounter...  but with the protection for the other party that "it didn't mean anything."  If you don't mind having your heart used as a door-mat...  

You can only be taken advantage of...  if you allow it.  These super extreme mixed signals, are way over the top.  

Now it is possible that they WANT a relationship with you but as your hurt is so new, are trying to ease into it...  but if so, this was really clumsy.

It's also possible that the other party genuinely does not know WHAT they want...  so they just push you out in traffic & leave you there to fend for yourself.  

What ever their intent, they got what they wanted.  Now, it's up to you to take control of your life.  Don't buy into romantic dates without a clear understanding what's INTENDED.  It's hard to walk away from great sex...  (Been there, done that!)  but is the sex more important that your emotional well being?
skb

I hate to say this, but I do think you got played.  They had the moonlight stroll and everything else they wanted for the day and tommorrow he (or she) wants something else.  This person is only after their intrest.  Just my opinion.

"Emotionally Unavailable" can be a real condition, but when it's used like this, it's just an excuse that she's not that into you.

I've always been amazed at how emotionally unavailable women can suddenly become very available when they meet some guy that turns them on more.

Don't feel bad, at least you had some great sex.  Most guys who are on the short end of an "emotionally unavailable" women don't get that much.

Well famkejensen,

This is what Friend with Benefits means. It's another euphemism for coming and going as one wishes. You are not getting mixed messages - the situation is clear as a bell. The only thing you have to decide is if you want that kind of friendship. And, since you "do not want to jump into another LTR," this woman might be a good fit for you in the long run, or at least until you change your mind about what you want. I'm assuming "they" is not a man, but correct me if I'm wrong - I just like to use the correct gender/pronoun, that's all.

It comes down to a case of not having your cake and eating it too. Either you say to yourself that you are ready for a relationship again, with all the pros and cons involved, or you continue to explore and take the occasional hits in the midst of all the potential fun to be had with various people.

Still hope you find the right one (hopeless romantic),
The Love Goddess

You're right I am. FWB is "friends with benefits".

famke,

First, sorry about the end of your relationship.  Even though it was a "good choice for both parties", there is a mourning period at the end of every relationship.  In my experience, this time varies depending on how long the relationship was, how much energy you invested into it, and what your relationship aspirations were at its zenith.  In other words, were you thinking this person was "The One" or were you pretty sure you were simply going to ride it as long as it worked.  You might want to consider how much time you personally need in order to center yourself and your future relationship goals.

Second, on to the matter of this FWB encounter that screwed with your mind/heart.  LG, as usual, pretty much nailed it.  You asked whether, "there are mixed signals being given or am I making too much of this?"  I would answer, "yes and yes."  In fact, you most likely were giving out mixed signals before the other person.

I assume you had both been eyeing/flirting with each other for a while before jumping into 'The Romantic Dinner Night.'  Perhaps you both originally intended it to be a FWB/NSA kind of thing.  Perhaps, as the night wore on, you both found yourselves feeling more attachment than you each had anticipated.  Perhaps you each ended up reacting to this differently.  You felt (and hoped?) there might be something of more depth to be explored.  They felt (and feared?) that there might be something of more depth to be run from and avoided.

Who was more true to what was tacitly agreed upon before the Romantic Dinner?

Yes, this other person was clumsily harsh in their follow-up call and actions.  But maybe it was simply their way of holding you at arms length.  Better to smack you lightly now than lead you on and hurt you more deeply later.

Finally, you said yourself that, "All I know is at this time, I need not be so available."  You are correct.  Give yourself time to finish mourning your prior relationship.  Allow yourself to focus inwardly for a while.

Let's not forget that, when you are not bouncing around in your personal life trying to figure out potential friends/partners, you are a provider for a living and are constantly trying to read and accommodate you clients.  Give yourself permission to be selfish for a while.  It will make you - and future partners - happier in the end.

A well written, well worded post, one which I have read through a few times and each time have gotten more out of it....a HUGE thank you.

You are more than welcome!
I won't even charge you for the consultation.  (LOL!)

I'm always better at analyzing other people's issues than I am at looking at my own closet-full.  Even though some think I am relatively intelligent, I am pretty dumb when it comes to dealing with my own life {sigh}.

Can you receive PMs here?

I don't think so. I think you have to be a VIP member and since I don't allow reviews I have no need to check them. You are actually a bright light on here. Very refreshing...