OK, much has changed since I have last posted, and received fantastic advice.

Instead of things falling apart, I am now "in a relationship" with my ATF. We have exchanged the "L" word (she initiated), there is no envelope, and she insists that I call her by her real name...whereas before she went apeshit when I used it once. She wants us to meet at my house (only if it's ok with me) when she comes to see me because she is concerned about the money I spend on rooms whereas before she "didn't give a shit" about how much I spent before (her words). She also told me that we can no longer meet at her incall location but must get a room when I come see her, because she can't see me "in that place, in that way".
I must admit that I don't get this as it seems practical to use the place...but whatever.

So now she's very open about her work since we're "together". No secrets she says. She called me today from her incall and chatted while she waited for her appointment. She thinks this is completely normal and not a problem.

How do SOs handle this? How do they get to a place where it's 'nothing'?
Mind you...she's there...right now...and I'm not throwing up or anything (a good first step...lol) but I'm wondering if there ever really is a point where you just don't think about it at all. When she works during the day, and wants to see me that night, how do you not get weirded out about that? Thinking about what happened earlier, I mean.
Are you just born the kind of person who can handle it...or is it training?

To live in the present society is to have the belief that a romantic relationship conveys property rights upon another, and to violate those rights is tantamount to betrayal or even worse.

When examined logically, the whole gossamer falls apart, but the strong emotional attachments persist.

The training consists of honest and blunt exchanges of views and an ability to confront what scares you about relationships, perhaps with the help of a good therapist (LG, firinstance).

Best wishes to you.  I hope you find happiness in this arrangement.

Well, MongMan,

Judging from the emoticon and your assessment that "it seems practical to use the place," tells me that perhaps you
a) don't believe your luck
b) don't care for your luck
or
c) are possibly REALLY scared?

Not once in your posting have you stated that you are happy and feeling positive about this turn of events. Everything is "her" and "she." My question is, where are you in this equation? Could it be that you and your ATF are out of sync when it comes to taking that emotional leap, and that she jumped before checking if you also were attached to the lifeline?

Part of the dilemma may be the common belief out there that most guys would be ecstatic if their ATF stopped charging and they became an item. But the truth may reside in something infinitely more akin to real life: for a variety of reasons, some individuals are slower to react, slower to engage emotionally, and slower in becoming emotionally attached to the other party. This has less to do with what she does for a living and more to do with the fact that some women bond a lot quicker and easier than their male counterparts. This is not coming from some sexist opinion about who is better at this or that; it comes from clinical observation and the multitude of relationship-oriented literature out there.

Now, you may just feel that it's gone too fast...or maybe you are wondering if she's even right for you? Again, this has less to do with her profession and more to do with your feelings. Even if she were a waitress/lawyer/librarian/dietician - take your pick of professions - you may not be convinced that she's the one - and again, not for the reason that she's a provider, but for simple reasons of compatibility. The more time you spend with someone, the more you find out whether or not s/he is someone you want to spend even more time with. It doesn't have to be something directly tangible, there can be lots of unspoken things that involve our individual emotions and beings that influence our mate preferences.

Your metaphors about "throwing up," and your question "if there ever really is a point where you just don't think about it at all" indicates to me that you are fearful. In order to think clearly, you will need to get over this fear. As long as this operates in your amygdala, you won't be able to relax and transcend this feeling of confusion and anxiety.

My advice, FWIW, is that if you really want to get to know her and your own tolerance of things in the process is to NOT go to the trick pad, but to meet on very neutral ground. At the same time, you must set some boundaries of comfort for yourself. Do let her know that if this is going to work, she can't talk to you about her business because it makes you uncomfortable. Simple as that. If meeting with her after work "weirds you out," then don't do it. Set dates with her on days that she has not worked and isn't going to work later on. Also, do communicate with her about your feelings. She seems to desire complete transparency, which in your case means disclosing your apprehensions and discomfort. See what she does with it; if she minimizes or rationalizes your feelings away, then that's a red flag for not being heard and not being understood.

None of this has to do with training or being born some particular way. A person's relational matrix comes from both nature and nurture, with childhood experiences and sexual scripting playing equal roles. In addition, your predisposition for handling anxiety, your relational style which has evolved in concert with the maturation of your brain as a child - these factors all have to do with how you handle your emotions and evolve within the context of a relationship.

One last question - she wants to "get a room" - why is it that you can't you meet at her place of residence or yours? I doubt that the relationship will stand a chance if either one of you has emotional issues with hanging out at home. If her profession is part of the reason that you won't even meet at your home, then I doubt that being in a relationship with a professional sex worker is something that you'll be able to handle in the long run.

Walk slowly and forget about the stick,
The Love Goddess

but you do not have to adopt that mentality. It is an artificial construct of paternalistic societies.

It does *not* reflect badly on you, call your worth into question, that "your" lady is a provider, sucks and fucks other gents. If she has fantastic sex with others it does not devalue the sex you have. If she appreciates others and even has a connection with others thereagain it does not devalue the connection that you two enjoy. It does not take anything away from you. This is also true even if she *loved* other gents as well. The lady is not a limited resource, and neither are you. Love is not a zero sum game.

I have been close friends with providers who had lovers, SOs, even husbands. On some occasions these ladies could talk to me about things that they were having trouble communicating with their lovers. In some cases these ladies told me that I was a better lover than their SO and that they were always excited to see me. Yet in every case these ladies have not offered to throw over their SOs for me - they had something with their gents, a bond, love, respect, what all - that remained important enough to them to keep their deepest loyalties..... they were committed.

So - you have to decide if you can *trust* your lady, and if you can maintain your self esteem and self worth - free them from the notion of her getting naked with others. value and appreciate the unique connection that you build, and trust in it.

Good luck

GTM

I've been in four beyond bounds relationships with providers ranging from 'in love' to fuck buddy to really close friendship with the sex no longer a part of the relationship.

Luckily I had no problem with jealousy or possessiveness.... even referred board pm buddies to the one that we were 'in love'.

I didn't push the envelope by reading their reviews, but did act as the safety net for one where she called me at beginning and end of sessions with a new client.

Don't know how to advise you to get to that point.  You are obviously still quite new if you are discussing now calling her by real name where you did not before, and negotiating where to meet.  So there really is little foundation for trust and really know history of 'love' overcoming obstacles.  You are really at a point where you are dating and learning each other.

The questions raised about why not your place or her place are red flags.  One of mine it turns out was reluctant to meet at her place because she had 'others' unbeknownst to me in and was afraid of colliding boyfriends.

It seems to me you just need to date awhile and let this have time to develop whereever it goes.  Hold it in a loose hand and if you are uncomfortable hearing about her 'work day' maybe leave that part of your conversations for later in the relationship when you've developed trust.

For better or worse, and you may not want to hear this, I've found my experiences beyond bounds with providers to be erratic and short lived.  The ones that I got involved with the relationships started for attractions that did not hold up over time.  In all cases there was great sexual chemistry, and in all cases they appreciated having a respectful, nice boyfriend.  

But I found that while they may be lonely in their provider life and initially desire a good chemistry boyfriend, that they are no better at long term relationships than we are who come to the hobby!  And when it is no longer working for them or something better comes along, they are very adept at turning off what was 'on' almost like a light switch!

The only way it will work is if you see her as a person, a woman and a friend first and a provider second. Escorting is what she does, not who she is.

I have never dated a provider OTC but I can honestly say that my ATF and I are best friends. We confide in each other about every personal detail of our lives.  She is able to talk to me freely about her other customers because she knows it does not make me jealous or judgmental of her.

Even though I still pay her we do not see each other during her regular in call days. I drive out to her area and get a room and we make a night of it. She prefers to see me this way and I certainly appreciate the fact that she does.  I think, in your case, you need to put yourself in your lady's shoes when it comes to her issues about how and where she does and does not want to see you.  The issue on her end is very much about compartmentalizing her time with you as it differs from her time with her clients.

To answer your last question. I wouldn't say we are born to be the kind of person who can see people for who they are and accept them.  It has much more to do with upbringing and life experiences.  I honestly don't know if it can be learned after the fact but I wish you the best of luck in your adventure with this lady.

Yes, it is difficult, at least initially, to be the SO of a provider.  

One of the better antidotes to this, if you and she can deal with it, is to be open and honest about it.  Tell her it bugs you, but be open and encourage her to talk about her appointments openly.   You will find that knowing the whole truth is, in the long run, a lot easier than guessing as to what it's "like" there.  

A provider friend recently commented that part of the "thrill" of the hobby was that it was "naughty" or "secret."  If, at least between the two of you, you can be open, then it ceases to have that naughty flavor.  De-mystify it.

I don't have the illusion that I am a SO for any of the providers I know, but I have had (and currently have) relationships with providers that are beyond the boundaries of normal client-provider relationships. In every case, once the lady decided that she was going to drop the persona she had adopted for providing, and relate to me as herself, she was comfortable about letting me know where she lived and allowing me in her home. (None of these ladies lived in their incall, incidentally.)

When I read your post I noticed several things that jumped out at me . . . all indicating you’re apparently not very “tuned-in” or concerned about her perspective or feelings relative to your own.  For instance, after she explains she doesn’t want to see you “in that place in that way” you comment “I don”t get it” and “but whatever” to reconcile your differences.  In short she sounds much more emotionally invested in the relationship than you do.

I’ve never given much thought to the dynamics of real-life dating with a service provider until I read your post.  Generally speaking I know that most women will first bond emotionally with a man before really opening up sexually; while as a man I am always ready for sex and tend to solidify my emotions through the act of having sex with my partner (the opposite ordering of emotions and sexual energy compared to women).  But when you date a service provider this usual process is turned upside down and she has presumably already opened-up sexually without any expression or validation of her emotional connection; meaning that once she agrees to the real relationship her emotions and feelings are most likely ready for full engagement.  Yikes!  This would probably come as a big shock because even if she had feelings for you when you were paying for sex it would have been at least somewhat inappropriate to feed or express them.

My best advice FWIW for any man wanting an intimate and loving real-life relationship with a woman is to delay sex and get to know their potential partner (this is what real dating entails).  My own observation is I can better assess and determine my compatibility and feelings for a woman without the powerful forces of our sexual energies at play.  Believe me I am sexual in many creative and kinky ways and that sex is of huge importance to me (but I am willing to measure and develop the full extent of our sexual compatibility much later in the relationship process).  My guess is you really want a fuck buddy and not a healthy functional relationship that includes sexual intimacy.  While I don’t expect my next suggestion to be popular (with you or anyone else here), but I  suggest not having sex with her for awhile and instead planning some dates where you can spend quality time together.  I’m betting she would be flattered.  You need some time to fall in love without sexual gratification; otherwise, she’s probably not right for you.