I'll quickly defer to LG, but I don't think you're "foolishly" conflicted, but very normally conflicted.  I've had some of the same feelings, and I'd bet many hobbyists have.  If you can maintain some kind of emotional balance you are comfortable with, and prepare yourself for the possibility of being hurt or disappointed, then the game is worth it as long as it's exquisite and fun.  That's a lot of qualifications, but IMHO that's what it's all about.

Don't worry, leonardo07,

It's just that time of the month. I wish we had a search engine that would accurately highlight the many threads [percentage-wise, for this board] that have been posted on this very topic.

I have read through your posting and it seems that you are a very insightful fellow with your big head screwed on dead-straight. Your analysis of the various issues appears quite accurate - but of course, the heart will have none of that reasoning!

I'll address your issues point, by point, as you have posted them:

-I went into this understanding what it "really" is and I still understand that.

Good for you. That's half the battle.

-My problem is with wondering how much is real and how much is fake?

We will never know unless we ask the provider in question. But please keep in mind that a successful provider is able to exquisitely modulate her feelings - sometimes even unconsciously to herself - and follow along with your mood and affect. I would almost call it "provider attunement" [wow, I think we're really on to something here]! Like a Bachian fugue, her instrument picks up where yours leaves room for continuing the melody - and that makes for very seamless, beautiful music. But you're still paying the piper...

-Is she just really good at reading people and acting accordingly or is there actually some authenticity?

See above. I don't know about "reading people," but if she's a professional at what she does, she'll be able to read men, and when they're interested in her. Now, I wish to point out that none of this is malicious on her behalf - it's her JOB. Were she lousy at it, you wouldn't be writing this posting.

-I find myself wanting to know the real person that she is and not what I'm assuming is a created identity -- though I recognize that the nature of this business makes that virtually impossible.  

Well, some of our posters wouldn't say it's impossible, no names mentioned, LOL. But most likely she does have a created identity for a good reason. She is playing a part, like an exquisite actress. And that part involves acting seductive for a fee. It happens every day on screen - it's just that in this movie, you actually get to sleep with the star.

Now, if for whatever reason SHE decides to reveal bits and pieces of her life, that's one thing. But even if that happens, it may still be in the service of "advancing the gig," if you pardon my 'aging rocker' expression. I'm not jaded, I'm just realistic.

-I would trade all of the reasons I got into this hobby for a purely platonic, and free, friendship with this woman.  

Spoken like someone truly infatuated! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that either. If this is how you really feel, I suggest addressing this with her and see what type of answer you get. Honesty is always the best policy when trying to obtain results.

-Even though she told me that I'm one of her favorites, am I ultimately nothing more than a hobbyist?

She told you that you are "one of her favorites." ONE of them. She didn't say, "you are my favorite guy" and "let's start dating...in fact, let ME take you to dinner to celebrate that fact." Well, maybe I'm being radically feministic here, but when I think of all the guys I've taken to dinner just to bone them later...yep, and I'm not bad-looking either. My point is that she is keeping things restricted to a business level. So from that standpoint, yes, you are a "hobbyist." Not her boyfriend.

-I know these are questions that can't be answered with any certainty, by someone other than her, but I guess I'm looking for a general opinion.  

I'm a cocky [huh?] shrink with some experience, so I'm answering with SOME certainty. I believe many posters have strong feelings on this issue in either direction. But we are a polite and introspective bunch here. A perusal of the General Discussion board throughout the ages will reveal many more "blurters" who won't mince words as far as the topic goes.

-I've unfortunately lost a lot of close people  in my relatively short life and I don't want to develop an attachment to this woman  and be some kind of clingy weirdo.  I'd rather just  get out now and prevent even the most remote possibility that somethjing like that could happen, especially if all of this is basically fake.

Maybe your past experiences have made you sensitive to grief and loss, and you do not want to invest your emotions in something or someone which will not lead to anything significant? This is obviously my opinion, but I believe that the hobby is best participated in by those who can engage in RECREATIONAL sex - hence the euphemism/term á la mode "hobbyist." The hobby is not to be confused with searching for a LTR. Some men are able to compartmentalize just fine -  their biology has predisposed them to it. Others can maintain several levels of relationships with various women at the same time - from wifely but sexless relations, to super-sexy, friendly but ultimately limited connections with ATFs. But some find that having sex purely for mainly physical needs is not fulfilling, and that they do need the emotional TWO-WAY connection to make it meaningful. If that is the case, hobbying may not be for you, as it could become an emotionally disappointing and 'soulless' endeavor.


As I stated previously, you seem to be a very analytical and self-reflecting fellow. My recommendation is to seek out another provider to see if the same issue crops up again, or if you are able to enjoy yourself physically, no strings attached. As to the provider - check out this experiment: Since you would like to give up hobbying for a platonic relationship with her, why don't you pay her full fee for an hour of conversation, no nookie involved. Take her to lunch and probe her mind. See how it goes. The experience - no sex, remember - and her answers may enlighten you in all sorts of directions.

Insecurity be gone,
the Love Goddess

I think excellent providers are able to establish real connection very quickly and they do this very intuitively. They are also able to compartmentalize the various aspects of their lives so that things don't get messy for all involved. Personally, I'd suggest that you work on the same skills for the time being.

However, if you and the lady really, genuinely enjoy each other's company, there's no reason why, with some work, the relationship can't become one of substantial depth. I'm currently seeing a wonderful young lady and we've managed to establish a very satisfying relationship within the boundaries of the hobby. That could be different if no SOs were involved, but they are. The relationship with my provider friend has taken some work and a great deal of will power, but has become one of the more rewarding relationships of my adult life and I look forward to keeping this relationship going in some form or another for quite a while.

Another thing to keep in mind is the role of neurotransmitters in the hobby. It's fairly common for hobbyists to get attached to the dopamine/oxytocin/endorphin cocktails. Love Goddess's suggestion of a no-sex date should help you sort out some of that.

Good luck with your relationship. There are many amazing women in this hobby. Also,  just because something isn't permanent, don't assume it's not real. Enjoy what you ahev while you have it.

Leonardo,  Thought you might like to know: I know of one provider who is dating a client - in fact they're spending this month together in a vacation spot - no money exchanged.  And I know of another who's going out on a date with a client tonight.  She reports that if they become friends, she'll stop charging him.  

There, I think, are the tests that apply.  If it's genuine, then it stops being a paid relationship.

As long as you're paying, it's not simply friendship, it's a business.  Friends don't charge each other for their time. And they treat each other equally.

I agree with everthing that's been written above. But I hope this simple practical test will also be useful to you.

Paid relationships are fine.  And unpaid friendships are fine. I've learned - I just have to be very careful not to confuse the two.

I've had the same feelings. There is one provider that I have an ongoing relationship with that is "more" than just a professional one. We talk frequently and email quite a lot. We know each other's real names and addresses, but even though I feel a real connection and I care deeply for her happiness and welfare, I know the foundation is business.
I'll accept that and continue to cherish our time together. I know if I try to make it more than it is that it will cause hurt on both sides, so I try to "keep it real" in my mind.

I really appreciate all of the comments and suggestions for how to deal with this situation.

I definitely agree with wormwood's comment that I need to "enjoy what [I] have while [I] have it."  

I was never delusional enough to believe that she would ever want me as a boyfriend.  There's just that curiosity of wondering, if the hobby stuff wasn't involved and we met under real circumstances, whether my perceived chemistry between us would still be there.  Ultimately I think she would let me know if there was anything there, friendship or otherwise, that could exist between us outside of this hobby.  With that said,  I would rather not complicate matters by pressing this issue any further. I guess being new to all this, I just got a little too caught up in everything, which is probably from interpreting my interactions with her using too narrow a scope.

I should be happy I'm getting my monies worth  and   just keep things simple and professional.

Thanks again,
Leon

Paging the LG...

Leonardo07, please GET OUT OF MY (big) HEAD (g)!!

Ok, so, let's say you do go into the hobby with the intent of RECREATION - but run into somebody where there is a connection?  You meet other providers but it's just not the same, i.e. it's fun but there's still that somebody who's just plain different??

And what, dear LG, does a boy do when just PERHAPS "in the interest of advancing the gig, so to speak" the woman in question refers to "passion" and in one's absence "missing you"?  Does THAT qualify as "advancing the gig"?

Oh wise LG, do tell......am I foolishly conflicted or foolishly baited?

Stalag