Yesterday was my first experience in the hobby, and everything specific to the lady was spectacular ... but despite a really excellent warmup, my equipment didn't cooperate.

Short Backstory: I've been married for ten years to a woman I'm most definitely still in love with, but for whom medical problems and other issues have almost completely eliminated our sex life. A while back, she gave me permission to things I needed to keep myself happy, provided I did them discreetly and she never had to know.

So I went into my first appointment a bit nervous, feeling a little guilty, and never have worn a condom in over a decade. The combination prevented me from being able maintain an erection. (No problem getting one started, but it disappeared within moments.) Ultimately it led to me running out of time before I could finish ... well, even really get started.

I've never had a problem of this kind before, so I'm certain this is all psychological rather than physical. And I'm pretty sure I know why this was happening. My lady-friend was kind and understanding. Yet I still feel a little betrayed by my body, embarrassed about my inability to perform, and worried that this is a problem that might happen again.

Any advice, thoughts, etc. would be most appreciated.

Dear pirateduck,

Yes, we do get postings like yours from time to time. What can I say, except that everything you describe is perfectly NORMAL and almost to be expected the first few times. You're going from 0 to supersonic speed in less than 20 minutes....that's a tough act for anyone to execute!

What you can do:

Do NOT put pressure on yourself to perform. This means that you can go slowly, maybe get a FBSM lady to have fun with the next time. Read the reviews, they do have some very sexy ladies who don't go all the way, but still provide a very good time.

When you meet with a full-service provider, just tell her upfront about your situation. Yes, it may feel odd to "bare your soul" to someone you've never met before, but providers are EXCELLENT listeners and will act accordingly. If you find someone you like, you can go see her a few times and get more comfortable with her. Relaxing is key, and if you meet with a woman who rocks your boat sexually, it will happen naturally....it may just take a few times before you feel totally at ease.

Depending on your risk tolerance, you may wish to choose a provider who offers at least BBBJ. If that's not possible, then check out different condoms and bring your own. Some condom brands feature thinner styles and maybe those could work for a BJ. Of course, if you're not the worrying kind, at least a BBBJ would point your willie in the right direction - up, if even for a brief moment!

Practice paradoxical intention. Go into the encounter with no demands on yourself to perform and tell yourself that if this happens, so what. Get relaxed about it and chalk it up to inevitability. As soon as you defocus on getting erect, it will happen. But the minute you begin to put pressure on yourself, your inner workings will "lock up," and you'll stay that way until you feel safe and comfortable again.

This is so common that I almost think the activity itself should come with a yellow triangle label - caution: erection may be absent for the first few times. If this happens, unplug the router [brain], wait a few [days] to reset, and retry connecting.

It's sorta like bicycling...just keep at it and it will happen...
the Love Goddess

The lady I was with was more than understanding, kind, and gave some of the advice that you did. I've already got another appointment on the books with her, and I'm going to give it another go with the idea that we allow enough time for Plan B if I can't make it work for actual sex. (She offers BBBJ and actual spent a little time on me, but we were using it as foreplay instead of the main event.)

But part of the problem, I think, was because of my mixed feelings and nervousness I became a bit meek and kind of let her lead the way -- which is NOT how I do things normally. I'm not going to rush things, but I'll be more of a leader instead of a follower.

Thanks for the advice, LG. I'll definitely keep this in mind until next time.

Any of the elements involved here could cause a performance issues on their own. Combining them only makes it tougher. As always LG's advice is sound.  

Don't beat up on yourself too badly. I think it WOULD be a good idea to try and find a GFE type who will do BBBJ, assuming that you are willing.  The sensitivity issues due to the condom is tough for a lot of guys, myself included.  Ease into things and stick with well-reviewed and patient ladies.  Remember, this is their job, they are not going to make fun of you or call you a bad lover or anything of the sort.  Their primary focus is in showing you a good time so that you will want to see them again.

Try and relax, and good luck to you.

-- Modified on 5/23/2008 12:15:24 PM

Here's a simple idea.  I've had a occasional failure to launch from nervousness or distraction.  Happens at sometime to all guys.  A sensitive provider recently told me not to look at her.  Her beauty and reactions were being a distraction.  I closed my eyes and concentrated on my own feelings and pleasure and everything took care of itself.  I think some of us old married guys are so used to seeking the approval of our wives that we don't take enough care for ourselves.

...and connect with. I had a similar experience my first time out. I was lucky that she was one of the most exciting women I'd ever seen. I saw her again a few weeks after our first appointment.Two years and some 25 sessions later we still laugh about it. Hang in there!

-- Modified on 5/23/2008 5:01:22 PM

It can take a couple of times to get your hobbying cherry busted. So don't fret and don't feel like you're the only one.  BostonGuy is a standup (uh..no pun intended!)guy and he admitted he had the problem as I.  My first time was like "what the hell am I doing here and what do I do next..oh my god that's a strange woman and she is naked and my dick is not hard and now what the hell do I do, I'm embarrassed and she will think I'm a dork and she'll tell everybody on Google and Yahoo and TER and......well, you get the idea?!"

LG is right on (as usual. That woman knows everything..even about ring and pinion gears. But that's another story) and you need to slow down.  

Take it easy, and as another poster advises "find somebody you really like..can connect with."  And that's not always the hot, hot babe that looks like your old high school cheerleader you never nailed.

Keep us posted.

Gang,

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in this. (It's one thing to hear that this is "not an uncommon problem" to other guys actually sharing specifics.) Channelguy, your comments definitely echo some of my own thoughts at the time.

I think I hit the jackpot on the lady, however. She was terrific and we have spent time chatting online before and after the appointment, and we have similar interests and have a developed a certain level of friendship.

Next appointment is going to be longer with more time for conversation to get comfortable and for more build-up and excitement. I'm looking forward to giving it another try!

I don't experiment nearly as much as I used to with new ladies due in a large part to the comfort factor I have with my two very sexy favorite ladies.  I have, on a couple of occasions, been unable to "finish" as happens to everyone once in a while.  The thing about this happening with a provider is that there is no judgment and no guilt applied as there often is in a real-world relationship. I leave the appointment knowing that when I see that gal again we will have a great time with no matter what happened during our last appointment.

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 11:07:19 AM

My situation is very much the same as your's. I'm married for lots of years, but still have not been able to vaginally penetrate a provider. I haven't even come close after 10 sessions. I finally found someone that I like and have been trying to see her, regularly. She can get me hard just for a few minutes, but has to finish my semi-erect cock off with BBBJ. I guess I should be happy that I can at least  get off.

But, as recommended by Love Goddess I googled up a certified sex therapist in my area and am trying to find out why my big head always controls the little head.

I've only had the one time so far, but I'm seeing the same lady again next week -- this time a "dinner date" so there will be plenty of time to relax, enjoy each other's company, and set the mood for later. Hopefully this will do the trick and we'll have a more "successful" session this time. (Though I'm definitely not complaining about my lady-friend, she was fantastic last time--I just wasn't able to "hold up" my end.)

Good luck with your next session, and maybe you do need a little bit of extra help. Time will tell if I do, as well...

Thanks skb. I've already decided I'm going for 90 minute minimums regardless -- just because my own preference is to be able to take my time with a lady. And my friend and I have already come to a similar agreement as you and your ATF.