I don't care but should I? I've been fucking her without a condom for years with zero STI/STD issues. I guess that explains why LOL
No, she did not tell me. I checked her tagged photos on IG and her sweet grandmother tagged her in a photo of a meal she made for "My precious granddaughter ____, and her husband." My jaw dropped. I've been with her since she was 19. No idea how long she's been married but she's 22 now.Should you care about what?
1. That your SB of 3 years is married?
2. That your SB of 3 years has been fucking at least one other guy - presumably bareback?
3. That she lied to you - if you consider the omission of a material (marital?) fact a lie?
4. That it took you 3 years to find out?
It's difficult to answer your question without specifying / considering which of the above is really bothering you.
Let's consider the sugar dating world for a moment:
1. Do we expect an SB to be "faithful" to us, particularly when we do not have an "exclusive" arrangement?
I think we do not.
2. Do we expect an SB to not have an SO or not have sex with civilian penises?
I think we do not.
3. Do we expect an SB to have ZERO secrets from her SD?
I think we do not.
Try to reverse the situation and see how it looks:
1. Are there married SD's?
2. Do SD's fuck more than one person at a time?
3. Do SD's lie to their SB's about parts of their lives thay do not want to share?
4. Do SD's think that over time an SB won't be smart enough to read between the lines, or read the writing on the wall, or well you get the idea.
Should she care if you are married?
I'm not trying to slam you for asking the question after being surprised. I'm just trying to help you put it into the context of the Sugar Bowl.
Facts are a slippery thing in the bowl, but we do know these absolute sugar constants:
1. All arrangements end
2. All arrangements are transparent in terms of expectations and obligations. But transparent is not the same as perfect clarity and possession of all relevant knowledge.
For me, I hope I would only care to the extent that her secrets may adversely impact our arrangement, or my safety.
Other than that, I hope I would not mind or care about who else she is seeing.
But back in the day, I had not yet reached my inner zen on these types of issues. One of my 1st SB's was a delightful 19-year old Asian. I have previously described her here as my Unicorn. But about 6 months after we started dating I was planning on flying her to my home city for a weekend of fun when I too saw an unexpected Facebook post - her at a park kissing her HUSBAND on the cheek. I freaked out. Hurt, feeling betrayed, and pissed off I called her:
-From work!
-On speakerphone!
-And blurted out "YOU'RE MARRIED!?!?!?" before she could even say hello!
Not my best moment...
She hung up and did not take my calls or texts for 4 months. FOUR MONTHS!
When she finally texted me back, she told me she had been coerced by her "family" to marry this guy from her home country to help him get status in the US. The FaceBook pics were part of the digital and paper trail laid down to "prove" the relationship to the Feds. Ultimately, the guy and the "family" were busted and she avoided jail (and got a US citizenship) by testifying for the prosecution. We moved past the drama (caused by me) and resumed our on-again/off-again arrangement for several more years.
So that's my take. And I acknowledge that I have not actually answered your question, because only you can provide the answer you are looking for.
Life is good
The Cat
They all have boyfriends or husbands.
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I don't inquire. Some mention it.
My primary concern would be that a husband may be more likely to cause a safety issue (for me) than a boyfriend -- should he find out about me and what I'm doing with his wife, and potentially where I live and work.
That's my concern as well. And it's for that very reason that I inform my SBs that my wife knows and approves of my sugar dating, so my SB does not have to worry about an angry wife coming after her. And then I ask her to reciprocate: Does the SB have a husband, other lovers, etc, who don't know about me being in her life? Would they be pissed if they found out? I think I have a right to know what level of risk I'm taking. It's one reason I prefer to date truly polyamorous/ENM sugar babies when I'm lucky enough to find one!
Since you found out three years into a good arrangement, I would not worry about it, nor would I mention it to her. Your arrangement has been sailing along smoothly for quite some time with no STD issues and no SO drama. If you leave well-enough alone, is there reason to believe that things won't continue to go smoothly?
I also know that in a sugar relationship we ALWAYS know things that our partner doesn't and vice-versa. I agree with 'Cat that there is transparency, but it is very limited and it does not include much outside the arrangement. So, for me, it is always a dance to know what to disclose and when. It is also fun when they disclose something new, and remember, there is a ton that you don't know. Your knowledge of her marital status is something I would keep to myself -- it is unlikely that telling her that you know will improve an arrangement that includes three years of disease-free barebacking.
-- Modified on 3/17/2023 6:38:45 AM
maybe she's up for a three way DP?
It doesn't bother me but I was truly shocked. She's only mentioned a bothersome ex-boyfriend... who I just realized is probably her husband. lol
I'm not going to mention it but I'm curious now if she ever will. She's trying to see me right now but I've been traveling with my other bunny and I'm exhausted
Your only indication she is married is because nana said so. You know, maybe she is lying to nana. I knew a lady who divorced her husband but never told her aging mother (probably didn't want to explain she got caught cheating on hubby, but then divorced him.) She even convinced ex to occasionally visit nana with the family to keep nana in the dark.
Full disclosure, I'm new to Instagram and find it confusing lol
But I found her husband's account and they are definitely still married
If you know or have researched any true 'Pick Up Artists' that have been good at it for some period of time, at some point, lose respect for women. The reason is many women are on the lookout for new opportunities ... and there are few that can't be had, regardless of their relationship status.
Well, I just found out the same thing and that she's being pimped out. I ended up reporting it. She had already said she loved me. So I was being used for money by another guy.
So in your case, if you are just wanting sex, who cares. If you were thinking it's more, then....
What do you mean, "I ended up reporting it."? To whom? TER Review? Local LE? FBI? Homeland Security? ... Anonymously? Real name? Alias?
Well, I just found out the same thing and that she's being pimped out. I ended up reporting it. She had already said she loved me. So I was being used for money by another guy.
So in your case, if you are just wanting sex, who cares. If you were thinking it's more, then....
Police and National Human Trafficking Hotline. She was forced into it the entire time. Dude was dumb enough to text me that he was doing this to her. She melted down when trying to get away from him. So, yes, I reported it because what was happening was a crime and the dude belongs in prison. Her family is helping her get somewhere safe and back on her feet. I'll never see her again but at least this dirtbag is going to jail.
As I implied in my previous reply, I'm generally in the "don't need to know unless it affects me" category with regard to what my SB does on her own time with her own money. To be clear, once I give my SB her allowance, that's her money. If she uses her allowance to buy useless shit, or recreational weed, or designer crap, or to buy her BF a cock ring, or to fly to Cancun where she may meet & fuck some rando "beach stud," I really don't care.
But there are certain important exceptions. One of them is if she is a victim of abuse, crime, and/or as you found out, human sex trafficking. I will never knowingly further the commission of a crime*, or the victimization of another person. The Sugar Bowl is about consenting adults serving complementary needs. If she is being forced to participate, she has not given consent. And clearly you do not want to be a party to - even if you are not "forcing" her directly or are even aware of - this crime. Furthermore, I think we all have a duty to ensure that we do not allow sugaring to be a place where criminals can hide their criminal activity*. Just like businesses and banks do not want to facilitate money laundering for drug cartels or terrorism, we do not want to facilitate human sex trafficking! It is important that we actively expunge this behavior from our community.
And I appreciate that you took on potential risk by reporting. Although I assume your report was made anonymously, you may still face risks from the criminal(s) who may want to retaliate, and from shining a light on yourself and sugaring in the process. Sugaring is generally a UTR activity for most of us, at least in so far as our wider friends, family, and professional colleagues are concerned.
I am glad to see that her family is helping her. That is not always available to victims of trafficking crimes.
*For those who have a cynical view on Sugaring - don't bother trying to imply sugar relationships are prostitution - they are not. I shall not debate that here, but perhaps in a different post sometime in the future.
Life is good
The Cat
So well said Herb! As usual, your articulate thoughtful comments are an inspiration. Collect them all and publish!
I also want to commend you for reporting what appears to be a provable case of actual trafficking. Herb covered a lot of good points.
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Among the escorts I've met (I'm not active in the sugar bowl), I have never met anyone that gave me any inkling that they were being trafficked. If so, what would I do? With only "an inkling" or "a feeling" or "a suspicion" I probably wouldn't do anything other than worry. With some sort of proof (smoking gun text message), I HOPE I'd have the courage to do the right thing and report it.
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The only addition I have to Herb's comments about your personal risk and safety: If LE gets the guy, they will have his phone and texts. That will link to your phone. Was it a "regular" phone or an anonymous "hobby" phone? You might want to ditch it OR simply say that you know the wife as a friend and were worried about her safety and reported it OR tell the whole story ("I'm her SD.").
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If you can report to us any follow-up, please do. "LE thanked me for reporting and said they didn't care about my sex life at all." "LE charged me with a misdemeanor, thanked me for reporting, and dropped the charges." ... If there is a good outcome all around (1. no repercussions for you 2. wife safe and away from hubby 3. hubby in jail) that you can report, it could give others the courage to report cases of abuse or trafficking that they might encounter.
Police and National Human Trafficking Hotline. She was forced into it the entire time. Dude was dumb enough to text me that he was doing this to her. She melted down when trying to get away from him. So, yes, I reported it because what was happening was a crime and the dude belongs in prison. Her family is helping her get somewhere safe and back on her feet. I'll never see her again but at least this dirtbag is going to jail.
Appreciate those of you who commented. Was a bit concerned I'd get slammed here.
I'm not worried about LE. Sugaring is not a crime if you went in for the purpose of dating and not just soliciting for sex. There's a line but even the lawyers I spoke to who specialize in victim support said there's nothing I can be charged with.
Am I afraid he will come after me? No. He's 10 years older than me and easily 100 lbs overweight. Don't think he's ever hit anyone but the women he's abused. If he does, the police already know he's the prime suspect if something happens to me.
I think your liability is thru the roof. In the law's eye you were a paying customer of a sex traffic'd victim.
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I sure hope you reported this anonymously.