Hi, LG -
I've had a great relationship w/ a provider for about the last year.  We've taken trips, we've used the L word, she's continued working; we're both married to others and have viewed our relationship as a romantic alternative to our domestic lives.

For the better part of this year, the sex has been red hot - there's hardly been a time we've gotten together that we haven't had an intense, mind-blowing session.

But lately, my GF seems less interested; she has a headache or she's not in the mood; or her back hurts.

This all sounds too familiar.  Is is possible that, even tho she continues to work, that the normal cycle of hormones (whatever you call it, help!) has cycled thru and now that we have a relatively stable relationship, the chemicals that look for stability, longevity, etc. are kicking in?  

Set me straight!  Yikes!  This reminds me of Groundhog Day, but scarier!!

Humphrey

It's been real.

Seriously, after the infatuation is gone, what's the point?

Each of your personal situations precludes the establishment of a LTR.

What you had was wonderful, now find it with someone else.

Maybe after a year or so contact her and start it up again.

There's no reason that either of you should regret what was.  Be sure neither of you won't regret what may be.

So well put, mrfisher to Humphrey Bogart,

And so well deduced, Sam Spade! Yes, the "normal cycle of hormones" has most likely run its course; you are now settling into the stage which is supposed to lead to a deepening of the non-sexual and more emotional aspects of the relationship...except I would suspect that neither one of you has any avenue, desire or motivation for doing so. Evolutionarily speaking, you've gone from "short term mating," to the stage where she's supposed to ask for a commitment, in exchange for a little bundle of joy. Except I'm assuming that it would be the ultimate nightmare, in your situation.

The interesting thing is that she may not even be aware of her own hormonal patterns. In any event, I would imagine that if you want continuous "red hot", it's time to find another ATF and go through that wondrous PEA-dopamine cycle all over again.

On the other hand - and we don't know this - she may also be sick and tired of the "daily grind." It may not be just you, she may be experiencing these issues with all her clients. Working as a provider can be very, very taxing psychologically. And of course, in some way - this also related to evolutionary adaptations - she may unconsciously harbor some deepseated disappointment over the fact that you are not there to rescue her permanently from toiling in the sexual trenches. After all, she HAS invested a considerable amount of lovin' in you. This is where the rationale of fee for services rendered falls apart, and good, old atavistic DNA rears its interesting head.

But hey, don't quote me on it. Ask her point blank how she's feeling and why. The answer may surprise you!

Here's looking at you kid,
the Love Goddess

I understand.  "We'll always have Paris" says it all, doesn't it?  

But let's go a step further here -- what if we do give each other deep emotional satisfaction and support?  What if we feel a strong inner connection?  One hears of extra-marital couples that go on for years -- the so-called "European model."  In this situation, then LG, the hormonal trip gets detoured, compromised or otherwise diverted.  Perhaps this happens in polygamy.  

So if, after taking a deep breath and thinking it through, I say to myself, "I love her and I'm not leaving her to find kicks" -- what do you make of that?

Yes, Humphrey Bogart,

Just let's get one thing straight: the European model is a myth. Really. It's something from a bygone era that the Europeans have sold to unsuspecting Americans, lock, stock and barrel. See previous discussion link. I have studied this topic, since breakups are near and dear to my heart...really!

Hypothesizing about what and if can be fun, but since we don't have the lady in question responding, all we have is speculation. If you do take that deep breath and say to yourself "I love her and I'm not leaving her to find kicks" - have you really "thought it through?"

I say, either have that talk with her or buy yourself another ticket to Paris...

Play it again Sam,
the Love Goddess

One of the finest episodes of Seinfeld (I am a strong believer that everything you need to know in life is covered in some episode of that show.) had Jerry and Elaine getting back together as friends (the "this") and lovers (the "that").

Despite some elaborate rules set up to make it work (Spending the night is optional; no calls allowed the next day.) the plan only lasted about two days before the whole house of cards collapsed on them.

What went wrong?

To have the "this" and the "that", you have to have "the other"  (true effort into making an emotional connection, in word and deed)

Are you up for "the other"?  Don't answer too soon.

Just enjoy the "that" you had, and let it go at that.

unfiltered cigarettes, so I really didn't get what you meant when you said, "have that talk with her."  Which talk?  The one in which I say I'm willing to have a commitment, but I need to get my rocks of a lot?  Or is there more to it.

-- Modified on 6/14/2007 10:18:55 AM

and she's feeling you're outdated,

what should you do?
Find someone new?

Talk it over!
Better, not to be hated.












-- Modified on 6/16/2007 1:24:41 AM

I've been married over 30 years.  Have you ever evesdropped on women (over 50) in a group discussing some young guy at the gym, tennis club, supermarket, etc?   They sound like us!  Women get bored too....differently, but still bored.  They fantasize and have affairs just like us - damn them.  So I'd take LG's advice and say "what's up with this?"  You'll either learn something or not but no more mystery.  MHOP