I know a number of guys, myself among them, who love their wives, cherish the companionship and good times (past, present, and future) and yet have no sex -- none, not even lukewarm, although there is still some affection and fondness. Yet it wasn't so long ago I used to stiffen at the sight of my wife getting dressed in the morning. Sure, menopause, children, and the fact of being totally used to one's partner after a long marriage are factors, but in my case my wife says she's still interested, but doesn't show sexual interest in any way. I accept the possibility that I don't excite her physically any more than she does me. I think it's only natural that previous fires turn to banked embers. What to do about it is another thing. I love occasional trysts with providers and find some of them almost transcendental and very fulfilling, but have no illusions about falling in love or getting involved, and neither do they. Nor would I ever expect them to provide the day to day companionship my wife provides. My wife suspects me of hobbying and she is furious. I don't blame her -- after all this is puritanical, hypocritical America, not some fantasy world But I don't see any way around this dilemma -- I doubt if my wife would see a male provider even if one were available, or have a fling with some of the guys who still hit on her -- she's not interested and it would violate her moral code. Frank talk is out of the question -- it always ends in anger and bitterness. Similarly, therapists are not welcome in my wife's private world. I won't quit hobbying and I won't stop loving my wife. Interestingly, I've never had a civvie affair, despite opportunities, because that violates my own moral code. So, two questions: are the millions of couples caught in the contradictory wants/needs/values of husbands and wives doomed to later life tensions? My wife regards visiting providers as a far worse betrayal than having a civvie affair. I feel just the opposite. How to explain this?
So, two questions: are the millions of couples caught in the contradictory wants/needs/values of husbands and wives doomed to later life tensions?
"Doomed to later life tensions?" I guess it depends on the rest of their life situation. Most couples "in later life" reach a status quo in which they tacitly accept each other's foibles or predilections if they decide to stay together. If they don't, they divorce.
My wife regards visiting providers as a far worse betrayal than having a civvie affair. I feel just the opposite. How to explain this?
Explain this to whom? To your wife or to the rest of the world? Not having met your wife, it's difficult to guess her rationale. Many women would indeed feel the opposite, so who knows why she feels this way? Maybe she is afraid of diseases (typical), or she thinks providers are weird or disgusting (fairly common, unfortunately), whereas civvies are more like her?
One point though; if your wife is menopausal and has decided against androgen/estrogen supplementation - good luck. She may not want to want to have sex with anyone, not even with herself - ever. And, unfortunately it seems that many women are not really interested in getting it up again, after years of child-rearing, waning sexuality and general decline in growth hormones, adrenal and gonadal activity. The sad issue is that women often confuse their own hormonal state of being with that of their male partner's. So unless you want to tell her outright that you're hobbying, or plain divorce her for lack of being sexual with you, I guess you're stuck. It seems you've been exploring all avenues and still return to the same dilemma, so it's up to you to make some serious decisions.
Hope you'll come to some solution, the Love Goddess
Many thanks, LG. Insightful and helpful as always. I don't want to prolong the discussion unless others are also interested, but one final observation: I think my wife regards all providers as women exploited by testosterone-crazed men, from corner streetwalkers to Spitzer girls to famous porn stars. Therefore, if I visit providers I am an exploiter, as opposed to having a go with the sexy divorcee down the street -- still reprehensible but presumably an act of mutual consent. Also, as you have pointed out, she thinks any funds used would be infinitely better spent on her and the children. I've tried to get her interested in evolutionary psychology, but so far she's resisted reading something that doesn't reinforce her prejudices. I find many otherwise rational, savvy women to be wild on this subject, and I don't have a clue as to how we might try to give them a different perspective.
Hey CharliesItch: I myself am in the same situation. I have decided to hobby. After years of spending money in stripclubs and massage, I am stepping out further for self gratification. I have spent over 31 years trying to get my wife to be more responsive. At 55 and in menopause we are down to once a week. I have bought toys movies and lotions and potions and still it doesn't effect her. I don't play near my home and venture out when I have a cover for my being away from home. You got to do what you got to do. Life is too short
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