My girlfriend is amazing but our sex life has started to fizzle over the past year. About 9 months ago, I made a concerted effort to get in better shape physically (gym, running, weight loss, manicures, pedicures and other recommended grooming 'procedures'). Ive also made the same effort to address my emotional fitness -- started seeing a shrink to make sure I'm the best possible version of myself. The result has been amazing. While I'm by no means perfect, I feel great and these improvements have been noticed by my girlfriend, all of my friends, and even other women. 

My problem is that my girlfriend seems to make no effort to address this obvious and talked about issue. I'd like our sex life to be spontaneous and more adventuresome but she is so rigid; no morning sex, no new positions, no more oral sex (used to be frequent) and if it's after 8pm there's no chance we'll do it more than once ... even on weekends. 

I'd like to be turned on -- some foreplay, a Brazilian Bikini wax, letting me go down or her or her on me would definitely help but I need a new route to get some results  because talking it out isn't working.

With my previous girlfriend there wasn't anything we wouldn't do to try to please one another and the result was amazing (...the problem that couldn't be cured was that she was truly crazy).  I just want some of that reckless abandon in the name of pleasure to a part of our life.

Don't know where to put this in so I'll say it here. I have always been and continue to be conscious of the fact that she is having orgasms. According to her and her body language that I've learned about over the course of our 4 year relationship, she is having orgasms. I don't rule out that she could be faking but I am 99% sure she is not. 

I wanted to marry my current girlfriend and feel like this is not an insurmountable problem and can be figured out. Just need some help. Any will be greatly appreciated. 

Sorry to give you a hard time there, but if you still can, you ought to change that L to a P.

In any case, what you have here is a case of one person wanting something that the other person doesn't.

Have you bluntly put your cards on the table with her and told her that you can not abide by the current situation?

You ought to see a sex councellor who can act as a mediator and make suggestions, if your partner is willing to.

On the other hand, what most guys on this board do is let the home situation remain the way it is and then find their variety on the outside.  It's cheating perhaps, but it is also effective in terms of keeping both sides happy.

And unfortunately, it will only get worse over time.  If a GF is acting like this now, it won't be long you're one of the guys in a sexless marriage that often post on TER.

I'd suggest you use your new self-improvements to find someone that's going to make you happy in the long run, and reciprocate your commitment to a fulfilling sex life.

I have to agree with you. 4 years and its this bad...it will only get worse.

There are plent of women out there who would appreciate all the hard work you are putting in on you and want to share a passionate sex life. Don't settle, thats the worst thing you can ever do to yourself.

I'll second and third those comments.  Most of us guys are on here because our wives slowly morphed into what you are describing as your current girlfriend.  Speaking for myself, I didn't know my wife would change over time in this way.  Your girlfriend is already there.  Knowing this now might be a blessing in disguise for your long-term prospects.  Best of luck whatever you choose to do.

In fact, I've experienced situations where providers whom I've seen many times over many years fall into that rut which makes me itch to move along; and I have.

I guess it's human nature to be like that.

If sex is important to you see a couples counselor. If she won't you and you get married it's only gonna get worse.

Is it really cheeting if your happy? I believe that your partner should  be just as happy that your happy . I am a nympho but my boyfriend who is 9 years older than me and not as horny anymore like me. Tell me
does he think of my vibrater as a threat ?? I do wonder with  the way he looked at me the day I bought it ?? and he asked why would you do that to me ?? He has ajusted well to my horny ways now and I know he loves me .

unless you are willing to have sex play a very small part in your life and can do this without getting more and more angry and resentful, I would absolutely rethink those marriage plans.

Couples counseling would be a good idea if she is otherwise marriageable.

Now some other thoughts.


1. Sex is a primary emotional need for most men, but not so needed by most women. We all, to some degree, project our own hierarchy of values onto others and essentially assume that things that are unimportant for us are also unimportant to other people. If sex isn't a big thing for her, she will project that it isn't a big thing for you.  The solution to this is to communicate and tell her how important it is to you. She can't meet your needs if she doesn't know what they are. So tell her. Not just a hint -- REALLY tell her. Don't be accusing or bullying or threatening. Wrap it up nicely but still be truthful. "I love you like crazy but I have a primary need you are unable to meet, and it is a problem for me. I know it isn't as important for you but its really important to me ..."

Keep in mind that you likely ALREADY meet emotional needs for her that are more important to her than they are for you. You are really just asking her to make a similar accommodation.

2. A lot of things can affect how eager a woman is with you sexually. One of them is what I would call "perceived differential in value in the mating marketplace." Essentially, if she believes that her odds of being able to get a man who is better than you are substantially greater than your odds of being able to get a woman who is better than her, she will be less sexually eager.

Though it is indeed important that you be in shape and look as much like prime mating material as possible, it is unfortunate but true that many women assign mating value based upon a man's wealth or earning power. Studies even show that on average a woman has more orgasms and enjoys sex more with a man she perceives to be more wealthy. So you need to definitely stick with making the body good, but also develop either higher earning power (if that is an issue) or if you already earn plenty, figure out a way of raising your public status/visibility such as speaking in public about something at which you are an expert. Over time, with this sort of sideline, you'll start getting fan mail from attractive women. Set up a separate email account for that endeavor that people who attend your speeches will use, and put her in charge of correspondence from that account. Let HER deal with the attractive women who want to ask you questions or give you accolades.  

This will raise her perception of your mate value and therefore raise her desire to mate with you.

3. Though the credibility of some of these studies is not so good due to the sources, there are at least some studies both in Europe and the US that suggest that a division of labor such that the woman gets stuck with all the housework diminishes both her sexual availability and enthusiasm. It may help to look over the home responsibilities very carefully, and see if the division is unfair and she is pulling more than her fair share. If that is the case, re-mediate that by undertaking some of the home chores for which you are suited. Most men can't iron, and the 5-million categories of laundry that women invent are too painstaking for a man to undertake successfully, but you can probably do dishes, clean the bathroom, etc.

4. Back to the differential in prioritization of sex ...

Women in ordinary relationships will not be in the mood for sex unless all of their other needs are met.  Things like financial security, trust and other factors are very important, and without these there's no sexual desire or enthusiasm. A man has lots of desire and enthusiasm even if he's living in a cardboard box. LOL Consider the possibility that some fundamental needs of hers are unmet. I would recommend the book "His Needs, Her Needs." This book contains tools to help you identify her needs so you know where you may be falling down. It may be that meeting one simple need consistently will be all it takes to turn on an enthusiastic sex switch.

And of course ...

Couples counseling. Most couples counselors won't tell you the stuff I am telling you because they have inherently absorbed a "nurture only" view of human behavior in their training. Even so, over time they tend to get a lot of experience that helps them be more useful. MOST couples counselors are horrible. Sorry, but it is true. So shop carefully.

and do it now!!  You are putting forth the effort and deserve better.
Your in for a life of misery if you stay with this women!!
MARK MY WORD!!!

This is so common,  This will end and both of you knew it from the begaining.
A. YOUR DATEING TOLD YOU WHAT YOU WHERE GETTING. YOU GOT JUSTIFACATION TO CHEET AND LOOK LIKE THE VICTOM.BS POOR ME POOR ME BULL SHIT .
B. SHE HASNT MEET HER RIGHT GUY AND SHE KNOWS IT BUT DOENT WANT TO TELL YOU BECAUSE YOUR TRYING SO HAD.

GET ON WITH LIVEING PLEASE. LEARN TO BREAKUP PROPERLY WITHOUT HATE AND BLAM. GROW UP. SEX IS A GREAT DIFFERENT STROCK FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS .
Enjoy our relationship of all kinds, dont keep each other hostage.
Sorry if my spelling sucks

The need for pussy et al. Therein lies the rub.

Unfortunately way too many women (excluding most providers) use sex as a tool...  to get a guy, to get her babies...  but somehow they throw a switch too shut it down except to get what they want.  I think you are on a slippery slope.  

Being married to someone with little or no sex drive sucks.
skb

I married my girlfriend despite these same warning signs. It only got worse and fast.  Thought I could change her and spent several years trying only to learn you cannot change someone.  By then there are kids and other attachments and you face the choice of staying and finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere, staying and becoming a eunuch or divorcing and turning your life upside down. I took the first route via hobbying.  It has worked out fine but I wish I had found a partner who was more compatible sexually as it would be nice not to have a split life.

If I want someone to be monogamous with me, I will do whatever it takes (within all reason here people) to keep their interest. And I would like that in return.

If I don't get it and things are shut down significantly or off, I will either re-evaluate the relationship and leave or if the relationship rocks in every other way but that, take those matters into my own hands. But not before extensive communication to give the other party a chance to step up their game.

that while it may seem like an inconceivable option at the moment, you better end this now. I have had several long term relationships and a marriage and several of them ended in a long downward spiral with many of the elements you are describing here, including counseling, marriage counseling, working out getting in shape, and a million other things. In the end none of that stuff is worth a damn. all that does is delay the inevitable and take up time that you can use to recover yourself emotionally and find someone else if you so desire. yes it will hurt, yes you should do it anyway. I wasted about 5 years of my life because i did not.  end it.

Even if you don't or won't end it, I can't stress enough hat you better make sure you resolve what you need to resolve and fix what needs to be fixed BEFORE you get married. after that, it is almost definitely NOT going to get fixed and probably will get worse.

If your girlfriend requires that all the sex you have is with her, I think she has a responsibility to provide what you need in a reasonable manner.  

Why not ask her if you may go outside the relationship to meet your sexual needs?  It would relieve what she perceives to be a burden.  Or go ahead without her knowledge.  Or leave her.  Or marry her because no sex is better than  being single.  Your decision comes down to what  you feel is most important to you.

Good luck.

Sorry, but get out of this immediately. Many women lose interest after marriage, but this GF is so confident that she has already emasculated you that she is showing her true self even before marriage. NO ORAL sex....is that what you said. Wake up man....search her purse till you find your balls and run.