Dear Love Goddess,

I'm in my mid-fifties and have been hobbying for about 5 years now.  I don't frequent a lot of providers, but do have an ATF that I see 3 or 4 times a year and a couple of others that I see once in a while.  Most of my hobbying takes place while I am on business travel.  He's my problem:  My wife no longer appeals to me sexually.  

My wife used to be a size 8-10 a never a slim person, but she's nevr been slim.  She's probably put on about 40-50 pounds, now has high blood pressure, and her stomach sticks out farther than her boobs.  After being with some truly beautiful and sensual ladies, I now find myself having performance issues with my wife.  She was never very much of a performer in bed and despite my coaching, she hasn't tried to improve her performance.

As a result of my performance problems she's convinced that I have a medical problem.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  Even at my age I am capable of multiple performances over a couple of hours without any kind of performance enhancing drugs.  She thinks that going to a doctor will help and I have not been able to find a way to gently explain to her that it's mental not physical.

I love my wife and want to do something.  I just don't know what to do.  Should I tell her that I no longer find her physically attractive - I don't think so.  Should I give up the hobby? That's something I just don't want to do.  There is probably no good answer, but I thought I would ask.  

Thanks for listening

P.S. I filled out the survey

Dear NeedingSomeAdvice,

Well, one good turn deserves another - thank you so much for filling out the survey

I am a big believer in honesty when it serves to encourage authenticity. Clearly, your wife is not only engaging in some serious misconceptions, but also, you are depriving yourself of the opportunity to engage sexually again with your wife - independent of whether you see providers or not.

So yes, DO tell her about her weight issue and the effect it's having on your sexlife. YES, tell her that you find her obesity unattractive. What's wrong with telling her that? At least it will give her an opportunity to take some action, particularly if she WANTS to appeal to your taste. In addition, it will make her a healthier person in the long run.

When you do tell her, make sure that she understands that you are discussing the topic out of love and concern for her. It's actually DANGEROUS to be 40-50 lbs overweight; she will surely run into diabetes and perhaps even cardiac issues, since the biggest killer of women post menopause is heart disease.

As for giving up the hobby, let's not put the cart before the horse. You need to gauge how committed you both are to making some changes - she in the weight department and you in the area of physical attraction. What if she loses a ton of weight and you're still not attracted to her? Will you FORCE yourself to have sex with her or will you augment your sexlife by seeking out providers? We don't know that yet. All we know is that you're unhappy with the way she looks.

Honestly, I can't say I blame you. If my husband was 40-50 lbs overweight solely due to overeating, I'd make seeing an endocrinologist and following a rigorous exercise program a condition for not only sexual relations, but also for a continued marriage. Now, it could be that your wife is indeed going through menopause and her hormones are going south. She needs to visit with a physician who specializes in bioidentical hormones and perhaps get a good thyroid workup so that she can get back on track. It's not all in the food at that age; our bodies shift and change and unless you really are committed to fighting aging on every level, weight gain is almost always in the cards.

Disclosing your true feelings and being authentic is always a start,
The Love Goddess

LG,

Thank you. Your advice is sound. I was beginning to feel that my reaction was selfish, that I wouldn't react the way I have if it weren't for the hobby.

I just need to find a way ti tell her how I feel. Her standard reaction to something she doesn't want to hear is first tears and then to shut down and not speak to me for days. Maybe I need the help of a professional-a marriage counselor?

It's highly commendable of you to take it seriously. Yes, seek marriage counseling. AASECT has sex-positive and very capable therapists. Visit their website and check out the city nearest you.

This could be the beginning of something very positive,
The Love Goddess

LG's advice is on target as usual, but these prescriptions may not target the real problem.  Let's say NeedingSomeAdvice's wife willingly sheds her weight, looks great, and says, "OK let's have fun!"  (This is not likely to happen but what if it does?)  
In many cases I've read about on this board and some I know of personally, if the spark is dead, for whatever reason, it is not likely to revive, not even with weight loss, new hairdos and other makeovers, aromatic candles, hot tubs, country weekends, etc.  Maybe LG can explain why.  Sometimes it does, apparently, but more often it is not likely to. Yet the couple maintains they love one another and don't wish to dissolve the marriage.  If one feels the spark and the other doesn't, that is not a prescription for happiness.  That's why we have a huge hobby industry.  I suggested to a friend recently that maybe 50% of her customers were married.  She was astonished.  "50%???" she said.  "More like 70%."
Yet most wives understandably will not agree to their husbands finding sex/companionship with providers or SO's.  How do we handle that, other than accepting that the hobby is here to stay, smoothing its rough edges and exploitation, and should not be stigmatized?

Haha, GraspingatStraws,

That's evolutionary pressures for ya! The spark is MEANT to die, but people keep trying to breathe artificial life into it, mainly because it's so damn expensive to break up and lead a solitary life. In traditional societies with polygamy, this is never a problem. Men take on new wives but keep the ones already there - no wife is ever cast out unless she has violated some serious taboo. In fact, wife #1 usually maintains status as the wealthiest one. But since we've switched to monogamy, the costs of divorcing greatly outweigh the benefits. Hence, the temporary wife, i.e. mistress or escort.

As to women and their sexual desire - unless they begin to take testosterone in their 50's, good luck. Sex is more or less dead. But they still love their husbands and will guard them against potential female intruders for fear of dispersion and waste of financial resources. That's also evolution for you.

Blame Victorianism - we're far too deep into it to make monumental changes,
The Love Goddess

I am in the same situation as NeedingSomeAdvice.  The only difference is my wife is not overweight at all.

We are just one of those sexless couples.  Although I love her to death and find her to be the sweetest, smartest, most honest person on earth, our sex life died within 6 months after our marriage. Because of some childhood-related psychological problems, my wife developed some serious intimacy problems. At first, i did not think it was going to be a serious bump in our lives. However, after educating myself on the subject, i just could not perform anymore because i was scared that i would trigger some of those horrible feelings that she might have felt all her life every time a man touches her. So slowly but surely, our sex life died. We both have invested our time in raising our 2 kids and building our lives together.  

During all those sexless years of marriage, i hobbied less than 10 times, and every time i felt like vomiting afterward out of pure guilt. Divorce is not an option as I just can't imagine my life without her. She made 15 years of marriage pass by like a minute. Out of that horrible deep guilt, i stopped hobbying for the last year and half and I also have not had any sexual intercourse for that same period.

I miss having sex. I miss it terribly. I usually joke and say that i would have made an excellent priest since i am a catholic. But this is not a joke.

LoveG, i am not trying to ask any questions in this post. I did not intend to ask any question. I am highly educated hard scientist with 27 academic articles in the top tier journal in my field. I understand our predicament and i learned to accept it. I have to say that hobbying has saved my marriage at least twice. It has saved me from engaging those emotional extra-marital affairs that would have hurt everyone.  So, i honestly thank the ladies in this business. You do provide an extremely important service and you deserve the utmost respect.