Someone please tell me why many Providers become "Jaded" after being in the business for awhile. Is it the clients that make them this way.

There's a provider I've seen since she started in the biz, and I've noticed a little bit of hostility/Jadedness in her attitude as she talks about some of her clients.  She was telling me about a 70 yr old client who wanted her to get on her knees and lick water from a bowl like a dog. She of course refused. She tells me, I'm one of her few  normal clients and she really enjoys our time together. I'm trying to figure out if it's normal trend for providers to become jaded after a while.

Yep. It's disgusting, degrading, and dehumanizing. Wanna know how it feels? Go to a nasty dumpster, pull out the most putrid piece of rotting garbage, rub it all over, your skin, genitals, and mouth, and see how you feel afterwards. Just my two cents. Off I go to do an appointment. Yipee.

Dear completely lost,

No, it is not a "normal" trend for providers to become jaded after a while; however, there is a significant possibility that providers have good days and bad days on the job - and that goes for ANY profession.

Clearly, providing can be psychologically stressful, annoying, exasperating, physically demanding and emotionally difficult. But despite this, there are providers who genuinely appreciate their job and stay on it, even if they have a choice to leave. Obviously freshly minted providers may not have any idea what they are getting themselves into; one would hope that those who find it repulsive or negative in any way would have a choice to leave the business and enter into an officially legitimized profession, but unfortunately that does not always seem to be the case.

There are many horrendous aspects to providing - trafficking, prostituting for drugs, being put into prostitution as a child, being raped, violated, physically abused - but we have to be careful not to paint prostitution with just one brush. This is often what happens in social science research and it is actually to the detriment of both clients and providers all over. From my own research, I can tell you that the majority of providers who are reviewed and who advertise on TER are NOT exposed to these horrors, at least not on a regular basis. As to the description of the client/provider interaction above, my ongoing research with clients will show if BDSM/fetish behavior is something that TER members desire. Certainly, one would hope that the provider in question is not enduring any kind of negative client behavior on a regular basis. If so, then she does need to leave the business, or at least learn how to set boundaries. If you are one of her "few normal clients," then there may be an issue of self-presentation and communication involved. Some providers have a learning curve to meet when it comes to keeping clients on a short leash, no pun intended, while still appearing charming and seductive. This is a skill that many learn after some time in the business.

Still, there are providers who don't enjoy their job [as proposed by one of the responders here, whether in jest or not, I'm not sure] and who do become resentful of clients, no matter how 'vanilla' their m.o. may be. It is unfortunate but certainly a reality that some women are forced to resort to prostitution while having no other alternatives. For their sake, one would hope that they eventually receive assistance from other sources, and that they will not be living a life of servitude and misery.

Complex subject,
The Love Goddess

If you truly feel this way, I urge you to leave this business, for your own sake. If this was said in jest, I fail to see the humor in your statement.

Thank you,
The Love Goddess

There are good days and bad days just as in every job!
When a great client comes along then we feel wonderful about that.  And hope they return again and again......then others we do not click with and they move on.

I think she is fortunate to have a client she considers a friend that she felt comfortable enough to vent to you about it.

Not jaded.

I don't think it's jaded to have a problem with a guy who wants to treat you like a dog.  Actually, nothing from your post indicates "jaded" to me. Perhaps you are hearing more than you are saying in the post but it sounds to me like she sees you as a good client.

Do some ladies get jaded? Sure, but so do doctors, lawyers and Indian chiefs. Life is hard and every day is not always going to be a good one.

It can happen to anybody, but then it's about choices.  Depending on how you work, you have to deal with so much junk in this business.  For me, when I notice something is affecting me in a negative way, I try to adjust it so I can maintain my sanity.

Actually I worked behind the scenes in a little house behind the flower shop running the online sales.  There were eight of us women.  We clocked in at 8:00 in the morning, had two fifteen minute breaks and a lunch break, but most of the day was spent on phones talking to disgruntled clients who's orders were messed up.
We had to trouble shoot and get the right order out.  You should have heard the horrible way people talked to us over the phones because their beautiful flowers that were meant to be gifts had either come a day late, or the colors were not right, or one rose was dead.
At first, I enjoyed my work,  I liked the adventure of trouble shooting, I felt like a detective.  I liked it when, once in a while, I had a nice call and someone just wanted to call up and say thank-you for a job well done.  Sometimes I was able to sneak up into the flower shop and sit in the walk in fridge with the roses.  It smelled wonderful.
But, there was a fast turn around rate in our little dungeon.  Ladies could usually only last about eight months before burn out.  We were paid 12.00 an hour, but had to work overtime during holidays.  Can you imagine the calls we got on Mother's Day, Easter, Christmas..  it was a nightmare.  
My co-workers were jaded.  Very jaded.  They hated gifts of flowers.  They made fun of customers who thought feelings could be expressed on those little cards.  We all had our stories of those crazy phone calls that made us feel like crap.  
I lasted less than seven months.  By the time I was about to quit, I was skipping work, finding excuses to come in late, treating people horribly.  I started to slip into a depression.  I knew it was job related.

A year later, I found my calling as massage girl/provider.  Blessed freedom!!!  

I'm going on my fourth year.  Yes, I've had times where I've needed to back off, take time for myself, take long vacations... and because of my occupation I am allowed to do just that.  But I have never, ever... EVER experienced the apathy, depression, or exhaustion that I felt after seven months at the flower shop.  It was a nightmare that makes me sooooo grateful for the life I live now.  

So, can you tell me... why do so many ladies who work sales for online flower shops become jaded???

just before Mother's Day.

It was far and away the worst job that I have ever had.

Glad it wasn't just I.

I used to dependent on a good doze of strong coffee before I could function.  I got to learn what a caffeine jitter is.

Eh, two years of school left....and I'm low volume......the two hour long showers after appointments help. That reminds me, to the shower I go!

MacDaddy,

You know I do find your voice on the TER boards to be refreshingly honest, but I also worry about you just a little bit.  I hope that your posts reflect either vents about your worst days' experiences or that you over-play your chosen role as the "Disgusted Provider."

Either way, I would rather not think that you seriously hate your clients and by extension your role as a provider as much as you say.  If in fact you do, then I guess I would ask you what would be worse, taking out student loans and having to deal with paying them off over a number of years, or risking permanently scarring not only your impression of every man in your present and future life, but also scarring your relationship with yourself from here on out.

Hey, I'm no psychologist - that's why the Love Goddess is here - and I realize that we all make choices in our lives that are not pleasant but have to be done.  But I submit that your life while in school is just as important as your life after school.  Try to find the most joyful path.  You never know how long the journey is.

Good luck.

I would have MORE respect for her for refusing to do that.  If shes not into it then it is just degrading.

Your posts always seem to be the essence of cool, and really understated.  So, I wonder, do you like your work or is it just a job?

For one, I tend to be a thinker.  I think before saying something, most of the times anyway.  And of course I can relate to most things other providers complain about, I've been through them.  But I try to adjust the way I work so they don't become problems.  I'm pretty low volume too, so that helps keeping things under control.

As far as whether this is just a job, I don't know if it matters as long as the outcome is good for all parties.

upgrade your clients.

However you sound intelligent, and like you know what you are doing.

If the stinky smell is real politely ask the gentleman to take a shower, and think of ways to bring in better, cleaner, more respectful customers. I am sure other ladies have managed to do this, of course it takes time, but it might be worth it.

It seems possible that the guys that see you aren't really the worst bottom feeders out there.

I have found that it takes more than a hot shower to stop the flashbacks of bad, painful memories. (The one from the time my four year old daughter ran into the busy street will never leave me, and she wasn't hurt.)

My life is too short for me to spend two years in a situation as bad as the one you describe, but that's just me.

Good luck

tc




-- Modified on 9/28/2009 8:04:18 PM

Life is too precious, too valuable, to waste on misery.
I used to belong to a church group in which the pastor was given free reign on Sundays to conduct his sermons any way he saw fit.  Some Sundays he would drone on and on about the most mundane topics.  When I had had my fill, I rose and left the auditorium and went home.
But, I would always pass people in the back of the auditorium or in the hallways, standing around grumbling about the pastor, or the topic, or the church rules.  They'd stay there all day grumbling and complaining about how they had more important things to do.
The pastor was expressing his right to speak for as long as he wanted.  He was happy.
The people who enjoyed listening to him were expressing their right to listen to whom ever the wanted for how ever long they wanted.  They were happy.
I got up and left... expressing my right to leave when I wanted to.  I was happy.
The only miserable people in the whole bunch were those strange people who stayed around to complain.  Their complaining never changed anything, it just made them look like idiots.  The exit was five steps away from them, but they never used it.
Yes, they were stuck.  But it was only them who could get themselves unstuck.  They perpetually blamed other people for their miserable lot in life and therefore never did anything to make their lives better.
In this day and age, there is always.. always.. another choice.  There are way too many programs out there designed to help people who are caught up in any kind of lifestyle they don't want to be living.
People who complain about their lives and don't do anything to change their lives are an enigma to me.

I'm not doing anything to change it? Aren't I in school? Don't I get good grades? In my eyes, it's better to be miserable for two years and happy the rest of them, I do the best I can to keep the misery at a minumum, I only see a few guys a week, I could see lots more, I have excellent reviews and my phone rings off the hook, I just can't stomach that many. Honestly, I'm glad I don't like it. Am i supposed to like getting pawed by disgusting strangers for a few hundred dollars? I feel so sorry for people who enjoy being a whore, they're wasting their life. Anyway, all clients are the same, doesn't matter how well showered they are or how much they pay. Ick. And no I don't need a program, I'll be out in two years. And you will probably still be doing this. And, somehow, enjoying it. Good for you, I'm sure your parents would be proud. How dare you. I swear, there is some DNA defect in people who like this.........

I'll be doing this up until the point that I don't enjoy it anymore.  And then I'll have something else to do.  I have actually already gone to school and have a massage therapist license and am attending school to pursue a certificate in yoga instruction and a bachelor in fine arts in creative writing.
The difference between you and me is that yes, I do enjoy my life.  I don't blame other people for my lot in life.  When I don't enjoy something I get out.  I don't waste my life complaining about something that is absolutely changeable.

Well, my reviews are better than yours, while you enjoy it. That's kinda sad. Is your life perfect or do you have outlets for discussing the things about it you don't care for? Well, this is one hell of an outlet for me, so if you don't like my posts, don't read them.

it's called "growing up".

Still, as an experienced clinician, I am concerned with the effect that these years will have on you. If this is proving to be such a negative prolonged experience, you may be up for some unforeseen consequences affecting your future relationships, not just with men, but in terms of intimacy issues in general.

In my travels throughout the sex industry, I have found that those people who found some value or interesting part of their escort experience are those who have had the least negative sequelae after quitting the business. While not trumpeting the fact that they worked as providers, they are able to look back on it and draw from their experiential learning. I am concerned that you will "split off" this part of your life and disavow it to the point of it truly being hidden. And as always, when we hide secrets and have no outlet that goes way beyond this board, then where will you go with your feelings? Living with a hidden past is very difficult and it often contributes to interpersonal difficulties on a deeper plane.

I should hope that you have a therapist or someone with whom you can share your deeper feelings and frustrations beyond just posting contemptuous missives on various discussion boards. You can have the best reviews in the world; however, if you harbor the contempt and resentment that your postings indicate, then you may be in for some psychological consequences long after you delete your webpage and retire your escort persona.

Just some friendly advice,
The Love Goddess

LG, your concern is very sweet, I'm on antidepressants and will be in an ex-sex worker support group as soon as I'm an ex-sexworker. If I were to go to one now, I wouldn't be able to force myself to deal with customers after being around people who share my opinions and are dealing with the emotional scars left by this business. Well, I had a ton of anal appt.s last week, my hemorrhoids need attention, but again, I do appreciate your concern.

antidepressants, Macdaddy318. Just the fact that you are accompanying your response with a laughing icon seems like it belies a great deal of pain underneath the bravado.

I believe your psychiatrist should refer you to a competent therapist so that you can get some help. Obviously there are some concomitant issues, and waiting to get into an ex-sex worker support group years from now is not going to help you at the present. Support groups only go so far - this is an issue of self-torment that is rooted in something much deeper. Engaging in something you absolutely hate while being diagnosed with depression/anxiety disorder for which you are being medicated is a very unsound tactic.

I really hope you are getting some competent mental health care - antidepressants are not enough,
The Love Goddess

ummmmmmm......I actually got this prescription from a general practitioner.......and I don't know how comfortable I would be saying I'm a whore to somebody I may encounter in clinical practice(I'm in nursing school, small world). It would be nice.....but very embarrassing.

psychiatrist - what does a GP know, other than to prescribe the most heavily promoted anti-depressants? After all, if you weren't in such a stressful situation and had someone to talk to  without it being "very embarrassing," maybe you wouldn't need anti-depressants!

The GP should have referred you to a psychiatrist. This is medical mismanagement, although I'm afraid it's extremely common. I know - I see clients on a regular basis who have had all sorts of guesswork applied to them by well-meaning GP's who have had one learning class in psych meds and no decent study of  psychotherapy during their education.

As to the small world, well of course as a nursing student you know that therapists and psychiatrists operate under strict confidentiality. If you are worried, please locate a therapist who is not affiliated with your learning institution. You can even select a sex-positive therapist from the list attached in a link. There should be one in your state, as AASECT covers the entire country.

My dear, I really think you could do so much better for yourself in terms of your psyche. You are not receiving the best treatment for your issues despite the money you make as an escort. I can tell you with certainty that continuing like this is going harm you to the point of possible major depressive disorder. I am not saying this to frighten you; my statement comes from having observed hundreds [by now] of clients in all sorts of settings and with all sorts of problems. You need someone to talk to IN-DEPTH about your decisions and your situation - not to mention visiting a board-certified psychiatrist who knows what s/he is doing.

If you are having confidentiality issues and want to locate help but can't ask on this board, you can reach me. Please go to the Los Angeles discussion board and locate the banner on your right hand side. Click on it and an email address will appear. Maybe I can help you locate a competent therapist who WON'T be freaked out or embarrass you about being an escort.

Forget about the ex-sex worker group two years later - you are having serious issues of distress and you need help NOW!

Please check the link,
The Love Goddess

Oh dear, I must clarify.I had a diagnosis of MDD,OCD,and PTSD a when I was 14 following what I'll politely call unwelcome sexual trauma, then my mom made me stop taking the pills. Ten years later, I figured it would be a good idea. So technically the doctor was just picking up where the one who diagnosed me left off. Does that sound less horrible?

you need to be comprehensively evaluated in your CURRENT state, not based on brain chemistry from years ago. Any responsible physician should have referred you to a psychotherapist AND a psychiatrist.

More than that, however, having been the victim of sexual trauma with PTSD as the result and doing escorting is quite frankly a horrendous combination. No wonder you feel the way you do about it. Unfortunately, victims of sexual abuse will often repeat the trauma in order to try to "appease the enemy" - psychoanalytically, we would call this "the repetition compulsion." Thus, every time you are having sex with a client, it is a clear repetition of the trauma which you are trying to "conquer". It is part of the same behavioral pattern as cutting, or self-medicating with drugs and/or alcohol. You are "numbing out" in the hopes of controlling and managing your PTSD and your feelings surrounding the trauma.

You are truly harming yourself with this behavior. I am telling you this FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. You need help to break the cycle of abuse, which is now self-inflicted. The last thing you need to be doing is having sex with men for money - THE LAST THING. Your behavioral pattern is that of someone who has been sexually abused; the debasement, the contempt, the deeply rooted pain and the attempt to manage the depression on your own.

Forget about these ex-sex worker groups - you need HELP NOW. My offer still stands - you can find me through the Los Angeles board, email me and I will help you find a survivor's group, a therapist and a good psychiatrist. Going on these boards, engaging sexually with these men is extremely damaging to your psyche. It doesn't matter how nice and how good the clients are; it doesn't matter that you have great reviews - all of this is a symptom that you are still damaged and hurting, more than ever. PLEASE BREAK THE CYCLE - DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

I really do care and want to help you,
The Love Goddess

I'm not navigating the LA board too well How do I find you on there?

go to the Los Angeles discussion board and click on the banner ad. It's the same kind of banner ad that's advertising backpage.com, but instead it has a crying girl on it.

Contact me, please,
The Love Goddess

I have seen that banner in the past but now it is MIA so MacDaddy can't see it either.

an exception. I hope you can access the PM LG sent to you, but if you can't access it the following should work.

LG did put an envelope in the message http://www.theeroticreview.com/discussion_boards/viewmsg.asp?MessageID=13295&boardID=20&page=1 so that VIP members could get the link for the survey from her. You can send her a PM (using the link) containing your email address so that she can contact you (even if you can't access PMs sent to you).

I hope this helps. I am not a professional (in this field), but as someone who is emotionally involved with a lady who was abused as a child, my heart goes out to you and I sincerely hope you and LG manage to make contact off the board.

You have to make sure your program doesn't bleep out pop-up ads...


The Love Goddess

Not everyone who is in this business is naturally "cut out" for it. Not everyone has a healthy image of what they do, here r in any business. I would guess it first starts with how you feel about yourself and then this line of work. Can you separate it from who you are as a person. Are you comfortable with your own sexuality.
I'd guess too the type o clients you see have a great deal to do with how you walk away from each appt. If you feel you need a 2hr shower after each client, I don't know, that would be enough to make me walk away.
Most of the Gentlemen I have the pleasure to meet are interesting very intellectual nice guys. Clean and very respectful. Sure we have all had that "client from hell" the "Icky" guy...its difficult and does leave me wanting a day off and away from what I do. Yet its few and far between. Not too often have I walked away wanting to scrub my skin off or been grossed out. I'd say if thats the case you need to do something else, I don't thik thats healthy.

But I can see the Eros and CV banners.

Odd.

I'm still trying to figure out why anyone would talk about other relationships while spending time with you.

Love Goddess...I thought your advice to....
Posted by buckeye619  , 10/3/2009 5:20:37 PM  

LG...I thought your advice to Macdaddy was compassionate and wise...I hope she reaches out to someone

I'll keep a good thought [sigh]

You know dblhappy, I am starting to read all of your posts now. What a sensible, sensitive and mature approach to what some might have flown off the handle with.

Escorting can have it's ups and downs and if I ever got to the point of dreading every appointment I would quit.

How I generally deal with this line of work is I have found a niche group of men that I am more than OK with seeing. There is a distinct group I can't see, because if I did I'd be an angry, angry woman. Took me a while to research those who I like to see and now don't deviate from what I know works for me. This way I keep my sanity, make money and a few friends along the way.

I have someone else ghost-write all my posts here.  In Real Life (tm), just a nerdy ex-jock.