Hello Love Goddess,

First off thank you for your wonderful posts. Recently my girlfriend told me I could see a provider for certain things that she does not enjoy doing.  Of course after my initial rush of excitement I began to wonder if this was the right thing for me to do (i have hobbied before but not since we have been going out) and wondered if she was really OK with this.  We talked and she really seemed okay with the idea I asked her about rules and boundaries and we came to an agreement about me not sharing our most intimate connection which I gladly agreed upon.  

Now I have been doing some serious thinking and was wondering in your experience has this agreement caused more suffering than pleasure for the couple?  I love this women more than anything and want to do everything in my power to make this relationship work and evolve.  I am not looking for anyone else and it would be wonderful to receive this gift but I could also happily life without it.  I guess my concerns are further temptation, hurting my girlfriend, disassociating from her.  On the flip side I love her even more deeply just knowing that she loves me enough to allow me these things.

Anyway just wanted to hear your thoughts on the situation as you can see I have not really been thinking about this and if anything does not make sense feel free to ask me any questions as I look forward to hearing from you.

Dear leescratchperry,

This is a very interesting issue. Here you have a woman who, for whatever reason, is ABSOLUTELY NOT willing to do "certain things" [what are those, I wonder?] for the man she...loves? Likes? This aversion is to such a degree that she would rather have someone else do them for you. And here you are, looking a gift horse in the mouth. What's wrong with this picture?

Well, my dear boy [I'm taking a wild stab that you're of the younger persuasion], I fully agree with you that something's up in Denmark. I'd be kinda suspicious too. Especially if I felt the way you do toward your girlfriend. The kicker is that you "want to do everything in your power to make this relationship work and evolve." But unfortunately it doesn't seem like your girlfriend is willing to do the same. No siree, she'd rather shove off all the unpleasantries [must be, if she doesn't want to do them] on to a provider who will get her metaphorical [and literal perhaps] hands dirty with...what? Your bodily fluids? Your anus? Your spurting penis?

You can see where I'm going with this, no? The point is that your girlfriend is not willing to compromise in the sexual arena. Now I don't know what it is you may want her to do - is it anal sex? Is it BDSM? Is it golden showers? Are you making her do more risky things, like eat excrement or fuck in public? What is this thing that your girlfriend doesn't want to do but would rather shove off on someone paid? And who's paying? You? Or her?

A relationship is built on compromise, particularly in the sexual arena. Take it from an old broad like me - sometimes you have to compromise. Now, if you TRULY love someone, that compromise doesn't feel like a sacrifice - it feels like you're giving up something to get something. It's sort of the give-to-get principle. So, if you and your girlfriend sit down and discuss, in detail, what it is she doesn't want to do sexually, then it's up to both of you to come up with a compromise. If you don't, then your relationship is at risk for becoming stunted, stale and full of unresolved issues that not only pertain to sex, but to issues like money and other important issues.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't see a provider. But the decision has to come from you, not from her. You should see a provider because YOU want to, not because your girlfriend in some way is rejecting parts of you. Unless your desires are so extreme that any negotiation in the world could not budge them, then it's up to her to participate in the construction of a mutual sex life that will bring you FURTHER in your discovery of each other's bodies and preferences. Getting a provider into the mix will solve nothing - what will she learn from it?

Now, if you both really decide to go through with this, propose that your girlfriend come watch and perhaps participate. Seriously. Maybe she'll learn that it's not the end to engage in ways she previously did not want to do. And if she says flat no, then that's just one no too many, and I'd wonder about spending any further time with a woman who isn't willing to discover the mysteries of sex with a man who truly loves her the way you do.

No wonder men can't take it anymore - eek,
the Love Goddess

Thank you for your response LG,


I did not know how clear I should be about the issue which is oral sex.  We have tried it and the issue is not being disgusted or lack of love it is that it causes her physical pain she has neck and back issues.  I know that you can relax your mouth doing oral sex she likes the swallowing part which is wonderful) and it does not have to be painful but it may not be possible at present time without pain (maybe we will keep practicing). I do not feel rejected because of this and your idea of having her come and participate is definitely food for thought I dont think she will go for it but maybe watch don't know.  

Another issue is if I did go see a provider I know it is a big no no talk about what you want and dont want out of the session.  Any suggestions for approaching this.  This has been very helpful to me and look forward to continuing the discussion.

Not quite the same. But my ex and I were swingers. We had sex with other people, had a great sex life between us. The only "rule" we had was to not go on a  date alone. If we were at a party, it was ok to be in a room alone with another person.

Now I am not saying there were not other problems, but she ended up leaving me for another woman. We were best friends, but the more we had sex with other people, the more we pulled away from each other.

So, just beware!

perhaps i didn't understand the OP correctly, but he didn't seem to say that his girlfriend was unwilling to do anything...rather that there were certain things she does not enjoy and would prefer not to do. that does not make her a selfish, horrible girlfriend and lover, that makes her human.

personally i think this could be her way of showing her devotion to him and her desire for him to be satisfied and fulfilled sexually, rather than playing the part of the typical wife/gf and expecting him to simply give those things up. there are certain things that my Husband enjoys erotically which are very difficult for me...sometimes physically, but mostly psychologically and emotionally. so although of course i am willing to do whatever he desires, my involuntary response to these activities saps the fun out of it for him. so we have an agreement that he can engage in these things with other women, women who will enjoy them as much as he does. and this because i love him dearly and want him to be happy. it has actually improved our relationship, by taking away the stress and anxiety (and frustration, on his end) surrounding the whole issue.


now of course i could be blindly viewing the bright side of life and the OP's girlfriend could in fact be unwilling to do whatever's required to please her man...in which case i agree with LG's assessment totally.

Thank you lilli this is really helpful and I think it is great that you understand your needs as well as  well as your husbands and your story has given me inspiration about my possible journey down this path.

or as my wife and I have done, you can have her join you with a provider that works with couples and you can enjoy the journey together. It has worked for us really well........

Leescratchperry, thanks for adding the follow-up information. it sounds like your gf's issue is really just a physical one, in which case i think she is doing a wonderful thing by being open to your seeing providers for oral activities.

as for how to bring up the issue with a provider, not all of us prohibit any and all discussion about a client's desires and needs. in fact i encourage it, albeit in a respectful, more philosophical (as opposed to blunt or lewd) manner. be sure to find a provider who is willing to actually have a conversation with you BEFORE you meet, just to get a feel for one another and see if you'll be comfortable with her. there are many subtle ways to let a provider know what you may want and do not want out of a meeting. in your case, perhaps throw out the phrase, "one day i'd like to experience a really fun, passionate french lesson," with the explanation that it is the one thing missing from your regular erotic life (this will also hint that you do not want to engage in other activities).

best of luck to you.

I think you're being a tad harsh about the GF not wanting to do certain things. What if the table were turned and she wanted him to have sex with a guy so she could watch as this was especially hot for her, but he could not bring himslef do it? Not all women enjoy or can "put up" with some of the things men like to do. There's compromise and there's sucking it up ytill you can't any longer and let forth with resentment...not a good way to bring together the realtionship. Give her credit that she at least recognizes this and is encouraging him to find it elesewhere so he doesn't have to lie and cheat on her. You seem to think she is foisting her obligation onto an escort...hell that's why we are in business because some non-escorting women can't/don't want to do certain things.

And why use the word rejection? Why not say that he maybe asking too much of her? Or pressuring her and making her feel unworthy or just plain uncomfortable. I'm not saying he is but you're jumping to conclusions here. Not all women have sex like escorts. Geez, what would you think of me as an escort for not swapping bodily fluids with any client? Am I supposed to hang up my heels because 70% or more do? No...there are men who seek me out BECAUSE I don't. What's one persons thrill is anothers grossness.

Maybe she should leave him if his demands bother her...it's a two way street. And further more if she is compliant and more than willing in just about everything else he wants, refusing something  that really bothers her should not break the realtionship..or if it does, then it is based on her performing sexually to his liking and not much else.

Good Lord my partner doesn't do something I especially enjoy but I do not pressure her as other things are wonderful and in the big scheme of things she is not worrth leaving because of one sex act she can't bring herself to perfom for me.

Hello - I am getting ready to set up housekeeping with a lady that I truly adore. However, she can't handle P-V sex, because of something that happened to her when she was young. We enjoy what she is able to and I see providers (which I enjoy in and of itself - I am a long time hobbyist).  My SO knows about my hobby, and her policy is "don't ask, don't tell, and don't bring home a disease". We've lived together under these rules before and it worked fine. We've only been apart because our military careers took us in different directions. So, since your lady has a limitation, you may find this works for you. Remember, YMMV -

I'm really not trying to be a smart ass, or insensitive, but if you're serious about having a long-term relationship with this woman, I just can't see how this will end well for you.

Over the years, I've known a few other men who received similar loving and gracious offers from their wives or GF's, only to find out the women who made the offers never thought they'd be stupid enough to actually take them up on it.  One ended in divorce and the other two were just nasty break-ups.  But on the plus side, at least you know what you'll be fighting about in 6 months- most men can't say that.  

I'm sorry, I've just been around the block too many times to suggest it's OK for you to participate in this scenario and think there won't be consequences.  

The bigger question for me is where do you think a relationship like this is headed in five years if it's starting out in this direction?  You may feel she's a great woman, but you might want to spend a little time browsing the other boards to read about all the married men on TER that are stuck in sexless marriages.  Their narratives should give you the answer.  But after 8 years on TER, I can save you some reading and just tell you that most of their relationships started out like yours.


-- Modified on 8/1/2008 11:38:58 PM

His relationship isn't sexless..there is just something she can't/won't do. And guys ask yourselves why women have given up on sex with you. Maybe...just maybe they're not attracted any longer and can be with you minus the sex. If you guys can't handle it divorce them or better still just don't marry if that's all you think it will end up like. Continue seeing escorts till the day you draw your last breath. Seems nature has played a very cruel joke on the sexes. I can see why gay relationships are better off...two of a kind. All the snarking and bitterness I read on these boards against the wives and the wives I'm sure bash the husbands. Just doesn't seem worth it to me to bother getting married in the first place.

Well then, leescratchperry,

If that's the trouble, then I'd definitely suggest a way to work out the mechanics. Oral sex can be had in a variety of positions, not all of them being taxing on the neck and back. So, unless YOU really want to, there's no need to bring in a third party. This is an area where experimentation and willingness goes a long way.

Somehow, from this posting, I'm wondering if maybe you do find the idea of going to a provider intriguing. If that's the case, I'm not sure I understand your second paragraph correctly. Do you believe that you shouldn't talk to the provider about what you want? Clearly, you SHOULD tell the provider what you want, in order to get the best service possible. As to the timing, well, after sitting down and having a bit of a conversation would be a good time to state your preference. I wouldn't go into it over the phone or in an email, for legal reasons. But once you're there and feel comfortable, by all means say what you want. Just be sure that you pick a provider who is reviewed for specifically the services that you need.

My vote is still for trying to work it out, since she "likes the swallowing part,"

the Love Goddess

shouldn't be afraid to hear the responses of people who are not emotionally invested in the situation.

The fact is, this temporary and emotional mood state we call love and sexual attraction is the most powerful force in nature.  That makes it's potential for self-delusion almost limitless as we get pulled into it's vortex.  

Six billion born and counting- sounds like a damn effective system to get us together, if you ask me.  But the 50% divorce rate in the US tells me exactly half of us aren't making very good decisions.  Do you think there could be a cause/effect relationship in play here?  Even our great grand parents knew "love is blind."

It's common for people to project their own experiences onto others in these matters.  But I haven't done that, as my personal experiences have been quite different.  I have, however, conveyed some objective observations from those I've known well over the years who found themselves in similar situations.

I'm guessing it's my unwillingness to coddle this message in PC terms that some may find objectionable.  Please forgive me, but I've seen way too many people on this site get encouragement from others enjoying a similar state of self-deluding behavior, and then apparently seeking confirmation that it's OK by encouraging others to follow suit. Life's too short and lawyers are too expensive to make decisions on that basis.

In the end, however, he's free to do whatever he likes.  After all, he has a 50/50 chance of being correct.



-- Modified on 8/2/2008 1:11:48 AM

Interesting that is the only thing you managed to pick me on...OK it was an educated guess since I have absolutely no way of knowing. Educated because on this board there are very few escorts the don't considering the vast majority of men who almost require that type of experience.

I thought your reply was very insightful. It prompted my comment. I think the marriage thing is highly overrated considering the a) divorce rate and b)the rate at which many cheat because they're not getting the sex (amount or type) at home.

What almost amuses me is if the sexual connection is not quite there when two people are dating( she's not really into it or he demands kinky shit she's not into)...why marry that person in the hopes that things will change? I have read this hundreds of times on this and other boards. I mean if blowing you makes her gag and you know she's doing it under sufferance or oral on her makes you gag, but you do it anyway, don't you think that at some point in time they are just going to get fed up and quit or become very resentful. It's a pity that couples can't be totally honest about this stuff before the ceremony.

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:46:05 AM

A lot of good higher level cortical activity (reasoning) occurring in the responds to your inquiry. All I know is that when I read about your girl-friend's offer, the hair on the back of my neck raised up, and my gonads shriveled up and retreated into my body. I realize my subjective visceral reaction may not be all that helpful to you, but it's kept me out of a lot of trouble, especially in relationships with women.

My wife of almost 30 years allows me to see providers because she doesn't like to do CIM and facials. It's been working for us.

maybe you all will find one that doesn't strain her neck as much.  
1- lay on your sides, head to feet.  She can prop her head on a pillow.  You can even stimiulate her.  
2- Same position for her, but you stand next to the bed.
3- She lays on her back and you kneel over her shoulders.  You can even put your forearms on the bed (like you're in K9) and she can concentrate on the head.
4- She can prop herself up against the headboard so that she's almost sitting up.  You kneel in front of her, straddling her.
5- Maybe buy her one of those foam collars?  It would keep her neck in alignment (I think).  This was a joke, but now that I think about it, it might work!

Also, don't undersetimate a great HJ!  I recommend the book Tickle His Pickle by Sadie Allison.  

Thanks Jane, I was just looking for this kind of  info .

It is an interesting position to be in.  GF not able to satisfy you on one area and wanting to let you still have the pleasures by hiring another.

Danger?  No, I don't think so.  as posted by Lilli, she is trying to make sure you are happy.  While she is also protecting the relationship by keeping it "professional" and not letting you go out and get it from another gf.  

Here in Nevada, the brothel industry claims that 48% of their business is couples.

But I am with the Love Goddess, try to work it out at home first.  Find a position or a way of making you both happy.  She gets to swallow and you get some oral worshiping.