Dear LG,

Been a while but I think you can help.  I've always considered myself more submissive.  I don't mean I look to be dominated by a provider, but I've always liked it when the ladies take charge.  About a month ago I met a provider who told me I'm a natural dominant and she was surprised I thought of myself as submissive.  

As I've read about the whole Dom/sub relationship, maybe she's onto something.  I seem to fit many of the requirements/qualities of most Doms.  I really get off on the idea of being with a woman who feels submissive to me.  The problem is I'm a nice guy.  I'm the type who thinks that respecting a woman should extend not only in public but in private and in the bedroom.  To me, respect is treating them nice and not in a controlling way.  

As I read about Ds/sub, one line in an article stuck out to me: "It's great to treat women with respect outside of the bedroom.  But you have to respect them in the bedroom as well, even if it means treating them like the sluts they want to be."  

I feel I'd like to be more dominant in the bedroom but I just can't get over the idea that you can control a woman (who wants to be controlled) yet still respect her and treat her right.  Am I looking at this the wrong way?  What can you advise?  

As always, thanks LG.

that can or should be expected from every partner.

Not every lady, especially every provider, wants their sessions to feature D/S.

D/S only really works as a negotiated interaction between people with dominant and submissive personalities. Negotiated in the sense that it requires a bit of communication and knowledge of one another, a set of permissions or limits to be explicated and / or discovered, and mutually acknowledged. A basis in trust to handle the inevitable discovery of limits....

Now if you're talking S&M that's really something  different, which form of play may or may not be present in a D/S relationship.

That being said, if a lady's *needs* are met by dominance and / or S&M, you are treating her with respect for her needs and desires by functioning as a dominant / top. I know that our society tells you that you are an evil bastard if you treat a lady (in terms of specific actions) in certain ways. To function as a Dom / Top, you have to be able to think and feel outside this cultural paradigm, to understand the transactional nature of such relationships, to appreciate the pleasure that this brings to the submissive, and to accept yourself as one who does not fit in the box quite properly enough.

If you ever have the opportunity to bring pleasure to a woman as a dom / S&M top, I think you will probably catch on. Some women only truly come alive in the context of this type of relationship or play.

I *really* wish we had a bdsm board for these kinds of discussions!

Dear reallynotsecure,

My advice to you is to get with some BDSM folks and begin to experiment. Just like when you went through TER to find out about great providers, you'll need to enter into the BDSM community to figure out the rules of the games, of which there are many, many. BDSM is highly cerebral; personally, I have found that those engaging are often highly intelligent, excellent negotiators, patient, creative, inventive and very dedicated to this relational style. And yes, when they are not playing, they are respectful to one another. This goes for both men and women, whether they are living the master/slave relationship 24/7, or just playing for limited hours in the day/week/month.

Once you begin to observe some relationships between men and women practicing BDSM, you'll understand why so many in "the scene" call it a "Power Exchange". In fact, there is even a BDSM club in San Francisco with exactly that name. You can find such societies/clubs/dungeons in your area by checking out the "Janus Society" on the web, or simply googling for BDSM clubs and then type in the name of the major city closest to you. Then begin exploring your inner dom. You will learn by doing, first and foremost. You may find out something that many in the BDSM community will attest to: The sub controls the session. And that is the paradox that many have difficulty grasping, at least in the beginning. Beyond that, you'll learn negotiation, practical skills and a fair amount of psychology. If there is one thing that is for sure, it is that BDSM is not just simple action - it is one of the more cerebral aspects of sexual and sensory excitement.

In addition, please buy yourself the book SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman. Jay is an attorney, an expert witness on autoerotic asphyxiation, a bondage specialist and a world-class master. He knows more on BDSM than most people in the field and his information is very sound.

People in the BDSM field will tell you that if you really want to learn about yourself and your preference for being a dom or a sub in relation to the activities, you should get with people who know what they are doing. I support this fully. This means learning from those who practice BDSM as a main activity, and not from providers who happen to offer this as an addition to their sexual services. In other words, get with a professional dom who has access to one or more life-time subs, and learn with her and from them. This is how you'll learn the true and deep art of being a master, sub, or switching, and this is how you may be able to discover something almost spiritual and sacred [not my words, mind you] about this form of sexual and sensory arousal.

Enjoy your exploration,
the Love Goddess

I was introduced to my dominant nature by a lover a bit over 20 years ago. The lady was a sensual dominant who had a lively "practice" especially with women.  She brought me not only into her bed as a lover but awakened my awareness of my aptitudes as a Dom. I have never been quite the same.

Since then I have assisted women (civvy and provider) who wanted to explore submission, to see if it was right for them, what worked for them, and what did not. I have helped ladies who wanted to learn to be a sensual / S&M dominant / top. I am "plugged in" to the kink community especially in Berlin and Prague, and have brought a few young women from the States with me to explore the scene in Europe.

For many years, my personal relationships have been based on d/s. But I am "versatile" and quite able to enjoy a GFE session with a provider. I do not limit my sexual expression to d/s. I feel no compulsion to dominate anyone. I experience d/s as a transaction relationship between dom and sub personalities.

My only disappointment is how negative the reception to bdsm generally is here on TER. There seem to be quite a few who are very threatened if not angered by it. I am used to this from vanillas - I rarely if ever try to explain. But I have been disappointed in how narrow minded some of the people here are in this respect. I would have hoped for a more liberal and open attitude. Quel Dommage.

Thank you for all you do to make the Erotic Highway feature of TER available. I have found it personally helpful on several occasions, and thought provoking always.

Love and Light

Gregory

-- Modified on 2/27/2009 8:23:07 PM

Having been in a D/s relationship for a while I can understand your confusion. Trust me. It's possible to respect her outside the bedroom. My DOM respects me very much and treats me like a queen outside and inside the bedroom. It just so happens some of our bedroom activities are a little kinkier than most. Pm me and I'll send you some links etc of sites you can use and gather useful information.

For years, before the Internet, I frequented providers in brothels in NYC.  In the course of that, I occasionally sampled dominatrices -- who are much more "available" in the sex industry than submissives.  I enjoyed the experience of being a sub -- it seemed sensuous and different and exciting -- and then one day, a new "domme" I was seeing said she was in fact submissive:  would I like to dominate her?  

I didn't really know what I was doing at first:  I tied her up to a cross on the wall and then started teasing her...and the light went on:  My blood rushed, my pulse quickened, my dick hardened...I was at home.  It was a completely different experience from being submissive.  And I've been doing it since, for close to 20 years.

As for the issue of respect -- two or three points.  First, I have found that the intimacy that I have shared with my subs to be much more intense and meaningful than that in vanilla relationships.  The range of activities and drama in a DS relationship is much broader and deeper, at least to me, than in ordinary sex.  Second, a "session" is for me a collaborative experience -- my sub dominates me as much as I dominate her.  Think about it:  the sub is getting the total and undivided, focused attention of the dom.  

As LG says, explore!  You may like what you find!

I have come upon this posting late--
There is so much unknown and unappreciated about bdsm, Dom/sub-Master/slave.
Anyone who is not educated or experienced sees it as cruel and painful. It is the exact opposite. The truth is the power is indeed in the submissive.  If the submissive doesn't show up to be dominated, there is no play.
I have had the joy of being "Mastered" by several experienced, caring, wonderful people.
We discussed for hours what I enjoyed and what my boundaries were.  I have a special relationship with Master and Mistress.  AND I am literally overwhelmed in the respect these play partners have given me. Learning and growing in the experience has allowed me to "switch" and take on the dominate role as well.