LG, for people that arent attracted to either sex, is it real, or were they abused as kids, and just dont want to relive it. There is a comedian named paula poundstone, that says she is asexual. do you think she is really leasbian and doesnt want to admit to herself, or does she think sex is dirty, and alot of work, and doesnt want to waste her time.
Hmmm, brazil21,
I believe it is a confluence of factors. In the DSM-IV, there is Sexual Aversion Disorder, which means that the person really does not want to engage sexually at all. Do I think Paula Poundstone is lesbian or thinks sex is dirty? Have no idea. I'd need to assess her in the treatment room to find out what's wrong.
You also need to separate desire from sexual orientation: yes, there are people who aren't attracted to either sex, but:
a) they could be attracted to animals or inanimate objects (zoophilia or objectum sexualis). In the case of those attracted to animals, there are a variety of reasons, mostly having to do with the individual's sexual scripting, proximity to farm animals, etc.
or
b) they could have hormonal issues where their sexual desire is so impacted that they would not feel any sexual excitement no matter what.
Just a final note: the "abuse excuse" has been beaten like a dead horse in abnormal psychology at this point. For a while there in the late 80s-early 90s, everything pertained to abuse. We had more recovered abuse memories, more scandals (McMartin pre-school) and more money spent on therapists than you could imagine, mainly because "abuse" was at the root of everything. Nowadays, we know that it's not only abuse that creates variant sexual behavior - sometimes it's hormonal, sometimes it's genetic variants or even brain organicity, and sometimes it's a sexual scripting pattern where prior abuse has been completely absent.
As for sexual aversion, yes there is a minuscule amount of the population which has been diagnosed as such. But it's not that common. As for women who don't want to have sex at all - giv 'em a healthy dose of testosterone, and eventually they'll change their tune just a little.
Have a great weekend,
The Love Goddess
LG,
Your previous "abuse excuse" comment rung a bell with me.
A family member's (non-hobbyist) spouse claims to have suffered childhood abuse... had sex with others during college but never (in college) with present husband! (30 years ago, now) She makes sure that there is never an opportunity for intimacy (goes to bed on a totally different schedule). And refuses any counciling. I can't imagine staying married to her but she's played the guilt card for many years.
I think it's BS. I think what SHE's doing is abuse & all her insecurities & control. Unfortunately, I can not suggest a path out for my family member... except maybe to hobby!
Is there a way out?
HV
Well, harbor_view,
Unfortunately no one can "force" her to attend psychotherapy, although she really needs it, abuse or not. On the other hand, her present husband may need some himself; staying with someone for 30 years without a resolution to this problem indicates that they actually may have "complementary dysfunctions." Sigh.
Finally, I just want to make it clear that I never discount or minimize any claims of sexual abuse when they come from a client. I was primarily referring to the 1980s when therapists actually "encouraged" memory recovery, no matter how sketchy or erroneous. Increased awareness of the false memory syndrome and clinical education have improved therapeutic assessment techniques considerably, both for minor and adult victims and, if anything else, has made therapists more skilled and aware in detecting abuse that may not have such "overt" manifestations.
Live and learn for all parties,
The Love Goddess
It may not be a control tool at all, nor is it something your relative can "fix". My wife said the same thing. I spent a long time running around in circles. Was her lack of intimacy due to childhood abuse? Maybe. Interest in another man? It looked like it. Maybe an orientation thing? She had experimented for 8 years - that is way beyond an experiment.
I ended up arranging counseling for both of us. She didn't show. I went for a long time. A year later nothing had changed. I arranged counseling again. She didn't show. I kept going. Did a third time with the exact same results. Won't do it again.
Got involved outside the marriage. It ended up confusing way too many things and I did not feel good about myself. Those actions didn't fit my image of myself.
At this point I don't give a lot of thought to whether the cause is abuse, sexual orientation, lack of desire. I know it isn't another guy. But no matter what the cause is, the effect is the same.
I decided to stay. Divorce is expensive and doesn't guarantee happiness. It doesn't mean the things you want changed will change. I decided not to look outside the marriage. That just confuses things (plus I know full well anything I do would come back to me sooner or later).
I changed my focus and redefined what is important to me, and feel my wife's value as a person is more important than a lack of sexual fulfillment.
Perhaps your relative is going through similar things. What he decides to do is his choice.
(so why an I here if I decided not to step out? One can think and dream!)