No Sweatleaf68,
I don't think hobbying "limits you." But what I do think is that someone who has lost his wife to death may have a different set of issues when it comes to LTRs than someone whose wife (or ex-wife) is alive.
Even if it's been a long time since you became widowed, it still affects you. It affects your choice of mate, it affects your desire to enter into another LTR, and it surely affects you in ways I couldn't even dream up (since I don't know you.)
Maybe this sounds cliché, but you'll know when the time and the lady is right for you to pursue beyond the professional aspect of things. One of my very close middle-aged friends lost his wife after 18 years of marriage. Theirs was so-so, and after a year, he had found another woman. His kids are raging, no one understands any of it [except possibly me, but then again I'm a shrink so that may have something to do with it,] but he's happy again. Another friend lost her husband of 20+ years at 41 and has no interest in ever meeting anyone again. Will she? Who knows. Her sex drive is not comparable to a man's, and she has no interest in just banging someone for the night. We're dealing with a whole different set of needs for men. They need and want sex, it's as simple as that. As for you wanting a relationship, who knows? You may be like my female friend - una vez, basta. Or, right outta the blue, you may find yourself in love when you least expect it.
Enjoy what you can and will, and don't worry for now. Rest assured, you're normal. Love, loss, they affect us in very mysterious ways.
Carpe diem,
the Love Goddess
I do not think hobbying interferes with my motivation to seek a long term relationship. I am single, divorced twice and if I wanted a long term relationship I basically would date in the civvie world until I found someone I clicked with and developed a LTR or God forbid Ms. Showmecal #3. From experience of course I realize finding a healthy LTR is not easy but dating would be no problem. Until they got to know me
For me it would probably be one or the other. If I was happy in a LTR I would have little interest in hobbying. Thats just me and I place no value judgements one way or the other on that. I became dull and lazy about dating before I started hobbying. I avoid dating, have no interest right now and haven't for quite awhile.
My career, friends, interests, and taking care of an elderly parent make for a full life. My hobby relationships add a great deal to all this and I do feel strong connections with some of the people I see.
So I guess it is different for each person. I have chosen my path for now and it works for me. I am sure your loss complicates the issue. When the time is right if you meet someone and are ready for a LTR the hobby will not stop or limit you in my humble opinion. Maybe the hobby will even help you with finding a healthy LTR. It might help you take your time because you can get your sexual needs met via the hobby. Then you can wait until you are ready and meet someone who is compatible with you for a LTR if that is what you want.
Hey I know you didn't mean it in a negative way but I think women in the hobby are just as "normal" as civvie women and men. I am pretty sure by "normal women" you meant women with more traditional careers.
-- Modified on 10/24/2008 1:18:41 AM
-- Modified on 10/24/2008 4:01:25 AM
I am in thwe twenty first year of a second and crumbling marriage. I have enjoyed hobbying and a number of friends with benefits which allowed me not to be bitter when this marriage began crumbling and I did not get certain needs for affection etc met. I am now very involved with a civvie obsession. We have known and liked each other for twenty years and are now very involved. There are a number of providers I would love to meet. I have refrained because of the blossoming of this new expanded relationship. Worth it, of course, but it has limited my hobbying. Who knows what will happen in the near future.
-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:12:43 AM
I was married once, 31 years ago, for two years. I have lived with several SOs, one of them a lady in this industry. I have LTRs going with more than one lady in the industry today. I enjoy the game of romance, and of course I enjoy the sensuality. But I am totally commitment averse and detest the drama invariably associated with a "real" relationship. The ladies I see do not take me for granted, invest a lot of effort in our "relationship", go out of their way to be gracious, charming and hospitable, to look their best. I don't have to deal with any of the irritation of living with someone. Even spending a weekend or a week with a professional lady tends to be entirely drama free. The amount of money I invest in this sport might be considerable from the point of view of some, but on the other hand, the cost to me, at the end of the day, would be far, far less than a divorce.
The "hobby" does not limit me in any way; without it, I have no idea how I would live. Cheers - Gregory
Thats part of my point exactly. With easy access to a variety of women, why go through all the drama necessary for a legitimate LTR.
However you were in the military for far longer than me. As a fellow soldier I know that military life precludes LTR's usually.
Thank you for your response. Das vidanya. Or as my great grandmother's people say "Ta who you".
Hi - well, you know how it is in a military career. You meet someone, sometimes a civvy but often someone stationed with or near you. You develop a relationship. Maybe if you're very careful you share accommodations. You have a nice relationship going because you are both consumed with your professional lives and too busy and too disciplined to have much drama in your life. You enjoy each others company, support, solace, for a few hours here and there. Then one or the other of you is transferred. Start the process over. Down the road, you may hook up with someone you've been with before, and do it again. I suppose my life in the military trained me for the expectations that I have now about relationships.... hmmm.... Greogry
This is my hobby, I do it for fun and satisfaction. I have a LTR too.
The hobby works for me because I am married and NOT looking for a civvie LTR. To be sure, cultivating a LTR with a woman involves a commitment on both sides.
I read a lot of posts from guys who are single and prefer the hobby lifestyle. I can't honestly say I would take that route. When I got into this it was simply a way to have sex with beautiful women that I never thought I could get near without paying for them. As time has gone by however I have developed some lasting friendships with ladies in the hobby and learned a lot more about what women want. I have also learned what kind of woman I am truly attracted to-be it P4P or in real life.
Does hobbying limit you? On the contrary. I think it can help open up whole new worlds if you go into it wth an open mind.
BG hits on a very important aspect of this discussion. What are you looking for in the Hobby and what is your frame of mind at this point in your life?
I am single, never married but have been in a series of committed LTRs for most of my adult life. I have learned many things about myself and other people through those relationships. They have had both positive and negative influences on who I am today.
For the time being, I have chosen to delve into this world of P4P for a number of reasons. Some high minded, some more base. But so far, I have not regretted my decision to wander down this particular path on the long trail of life.
Eventually, I will probably reach a point where I am no longer truly interested or excited about finding someone new to see in this context. At that point, I would hope that I would turn my attention and energies towards another, committed LTR. But for now, I am fascinated by the intersections of lives that occur during these interludes. I have walked away from each encounter a slightly different person. The magnitude of these changes seems to be heightened by the physically (and once in a while, emotionally) intimate moments that are shared.
Still fascinating to me.
-- Modified on 10/25/2008 11:22:34 AM
Thanks everyone who replied.
I was just thinking that if I was a little more interested I might be willing to go the extra mile.
I guess the general consensus is no it really doesn't matter.
Its probably my 20 years of marriage making me lazy or intolerant.
The one thing I think should be kept in mind is that relying on the hobby too much may prevent one from spending the time and effort necessary to really get to know someone to whom you may be attracted. It would be a shame to pass up a good civvy relationship due to relying on the fantasy of the hobby too much.
As in all things, balance is the key.
