First let me say this was not an easy posting to write and hence why I used the alias.  I have been in the hobby for many years now.  In all those years have always been able to keep the relationship between the provider and myself to a professional level.  Meaning I have fun with no emotional attachment.

Over half a year ago I was looking through CL.  I came across an ad from a young lady looking for a sugar daddy.  Single, no kids and just looking for some help.  She is not what I would call a provider.  Going to school during the day and waiting tables at night.  We see each other once a week or more and have gone away together.  Just to be clear there is not always a donation-taking place when we meet, but more of a weekly donation.

Slowly over time I have become emotional evolved.  The feeling can’t be described but it’s a feeling I like but kind of hurts at the same time.  I’m the type of person who is in control of my emotions and feelings.  I really love this girl and can’t stop thinking about her day or night.  Is this lust or love, who knows?  I’m a decent looking guy and have dated a lot before getting married and never felt like this before.  I’m ready to get divorced for her!

So you may be asking what are her feelings for me?  Good question!!!!!
She says she cares about me, is not dating or seeing anyone else.  Also has told me this has turned into something very nice and not what she expected.  Would never think about posting on CL ever again and can’t even imagined how she did in the first place.  Is very clear about wanting to pursue her career and that needs to come first.  I understand and can relate to what she is saying.  At the same time we always have a great time together, whether it’s dinner, drinks or going away.  I do consider myself street smart and know when I’m being played.  I’m I just blinded by emotion or could something really be going on.


-- Modified on 12/16/2007 5:12:22 PM

Hmmm...AdviceForTheHeart,
Is your question "Am I just blinded by emotion, or could something really be going on?" I don't see a question mark at the end, but let's not quibble. I'll take that as a question.

It seems you have posted somewhere before? Oh well, we always get you in the end on the Erotic Highway, . Now as to the answer to your question, WHO KNOWS? Since she's not here to answer, all we have to go on are your feelings. And clearly, you do have some for this lady. I'd go so far as to say that you are emotional...but are you blinded?

I don't think so. It seems to me that you are fairly clear on your feelings. You've got them, you enjoy them, but like everyone else who wants to convert their meetings from monetary to an off-the-clock relationship [whether it's paid hourly or weekly,] you've got some concerns before you let your feelings fly. So the question of "something going on" is really, "I wonder if she has the same feelings for me as I do for her." And based on your description, it's truly difficult to tell.

The fact that she wants a career and that it has to come first...let's take that a sign of sanity. A much worse scenario would be if she quit school and expected you to support her through and through. I'd really worry then. But as it is, she's saying that she wants to be independent in the long run and make something out of herself. Good for her! Now, the fact that there is a significant age difference and the fact that you still are her "sugardaddy" are definitely confounding variables.

So, the only way to find out - with the risk of getting a painful dose of reality - is to tell her that you no longer want to be her sugardaddy but her real-life boyfriend. And then see what she says. There is no reason to discuss money at this stage, just wait for an answer. And, since you are married, I guess you'd have to state that you'd go as far as getting divorced, as long as you could be her boyfriend. Honesty is truly the best policy when feelings are concerned.

Now, if she says that she doesn't want a boyfriend at this time, well, then you'll know. And then YOU can make the decision of continuing to provide funding in exchange for sex, or stop the transactional relationship in its tracks and move on.

Like the sexkitten Lynsey DePaul sang in 1972:
Save me, save me
Baby, baby sugar me
I gotta get my candy free
Sugar me by day
Sugar me my baby, baby sugar me
I gotta get my candy free
Sugar me by day, sugar me my night
Sugar sugar sugar sugar...

the Love Goddess

As usual, L.G. is candid, and upfront with the issue of a business relationship that has emotional flare to it.
In my case, she saved my A--! by waving a very big
RED warning flag in my face, so that I could proceed to the nearest exit.

Now as to your issue, its good that you acknowledge your emotional self, but as always,
be aware, to be careful, as you may get what you wish for, and then you are going to be expected to
put your money where your mouth is. As L.G, stated, it is always best to communicate, and see where it goes from there.
Unless of course you are OK with living in limbo
with your feelings offered, and taken, but not equally returned.

As well, realize, that if you are willing to divorce to be with her, then why not divorce to be away from unhappiness?
Please don't get angry about this statement, but all to often, ladies and gents, will be invested or stuck in one relationship, but yet seek out another to fulfill there emotional need.
Just as long as you admit, to your need, your fear
of being alone, then can you truly be free of yourself?
But as well, we are only human, and no one is perfect by any means, so it is OK to need or desire.



-- Modified on 12/17/2007 5:08:49 AM

Note: since you moved the thread from the National Board, I've reposted my response.

She advertised looking for a sugar daddy.  You responded hoping to be something else- a boyfriend.  She found what she wanted, but you didn't, even though you've slowly tried to turn it into a relationship and kid yourself that it's something that it's not.  Relationships aren't based on her being young, attractive and needy, and you being lonely in your marriage (my assumption) and paying her bills, regardless of what you want to call it.

You've made her life easy, so of course she's grown to care about you.  I'd care about you too if you gave me free money- and I'm a guy!  But you already know the answer to your qusetion and it's why you feel conflicted and are experiencing an uneasy feeling of pain mixed in with the pleasure.  You are chasing an emotional mirage.

I hate to be blunt with someone who has clearly invested emotions in this "relationship," but to even consider getting divorced for this woman shows you've lost your objectivity and need to get a dose of reality back into your dealings with her.

I was married for 12 years and know the feeling of seeing women all around you that seem to be all the things you want and that your wife is not.  But it's total fantasy of your own creation.

If you don't believe me, perform this little test.  Tell this woman that you're ready to take your "relationship" to the next level and aren't going to continue to give her cash because that's the role of a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend.  Tell her that you're ready to divorce your wife and marry her.  Then five minutes later, when she has suddenly lost her feelings for you, post again on TER and tell us how close you came to ruining your life by projejcting your emotional needs onto someone who didn't share them.   But don't beat yourself up too badly, we're all in control of our emotions- right up until the point where we aren't!

Ouch! That is taking a baseball bat across the knuckles, to get the individuals attention!

Remember, he is in pain, and while its not ours to
bear, it does not hurt to at least express your thoughts with objectivity, but leave bat ball bat as a last resort.
But sadly, you know that you are correct in your statement. To the OP, keep your head up!
But take another look at what you desire to do.
Look before you leap.

I used to be much more sympathetic to people posting on TER about these sort of problems than I am now (this month is my 8 year anniversary, even though I took a break for a couple years).  

But frankly, I'm saddened by the continuous flow of guys that come through here in a state of emotional distress and add to their problems through various scenarios of self-deception involving escorts.  It's an easy trap to fall into, but hundreds of guys have posted excellent, objective advice about the pitfalls of seeing escorts, especially if you aren't in a good place emotionally.

Over my tenure here I've changed from sympathetic listener to tough-love practitioner.  And I've done so because I've concluded the last thing guys in this fragile emotional state need is an enabler that feeds their delusion/fantasy (I'm not saying you or anybody else that has responded does this, only that I wanted to make sure I didn't do it).

When TER first launched, there was a much higher percentage of gentlemen that I would call sexual adventurers.  Having learned to survive the dangers of seeing escorts in the pre-internet era, they were very savvy and experienced and a rich source of common sense.  For the most part, they were able to quickly talk these guys down from the ledge when their emotions got the best of them.  They'd been there, they'd learned the lessons, and suddenly TER gave them a voice and a meeting place.

But things have changed significantly as TER grew and reached a wider audience, many of whom had never seen an escort until finding this site.  As a result, we now see far more men who are unable to navigate this environment without getting their feelings trampled.

The unfortunate truth is that the world is full of people that are unhappy in their relationships, or maybe they aren't even able to have a relationship for dozens of different reasons.  As a result, many are emotionally vulnerable or "relationship-challenged."  And to those guys, the siren song of TER and the thousands of providers with reviews here can be overwhelming.  

But the rules of the game haven't changed, even if the players have.  As a hundred threads have discussed, you first have to realize that this isn't reality, it is a fantasy.  Which, by the way, is the only reason you pay a premium for it.  Reality is everywhere and it is free.  But providers offer a wonderful escape- they are a rejuvenating oasis from a harsh world.  For an hour or two, they suspend their often harsh reality to make you feel better about yourself- just like Disneyland.  But to the employees of Disneyland, it's just a job like any other, and they go home tired even as you go home refreshed.

Obviously, because emotions and the appearance of intimacy are involved when seeing providers, many of the people that know Disneyland is a fantasy come here failing to realize that this is nothing more than a theme park for adults.  As a result, the blurring of fantasy and reality creates all sorts of problems for otherwise rational people.

So, I guess my frustration with this ongoing dilema prevents me from having the soothing, bedside manner of Love Goddess, but perhaps I've seen a few more of the sexually walking-wounded over the years and now feel a bit more like Cher in the movie "Moonstruck" when she smacks Nicolas Cage across the face and shouts "Snap out of it!"  LOL

Actually, Love Goddess, I've been very impressed with your responses to posters on this board and think you provide a much needed service, especially in light of the changes I mentioned above.  I'm sure your greater sensitivity to the feelings of those seeking your wise counsel is appreciated.  I've been in the position many of these guys now find themselves and I DO know that they need a gentle, understanding touch sometimes.  In the mean time, I guess I'm destined to be the hammer of Thor to your velvet glove.  





-- Modified on 12/18/2007 11:23:36 AM