let me start this right, yes I am a provider, and yes I fell for a client. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met. I just found some lumps that aren't right. My Doctor is very concerned. I have to have surgery. My doctor tried to tell me It's probably not cancer but the way she acted, I knew it scared her. Now I have to see a specialist. What am I going to do?
I just found him!! This can't be happening!!!
everything in my life has been so great, all because of the hobby, I have finally found my true passion! It also brought "Kevin" into my life. I am very fearful that he won't be able to handle this, I feel like I can't either. He was on a business trip when I found out my test results last week. I told him what the doctor said, and he was very quiet. I don't want to push him away. He found the the lump in the first place, so its not like I could keep it from him.
He calls everyday but won't talk about it. I know he loves me. But He never tell me how he feels. It's really hard to get him to admit his feelings. So I guess that I'm writing in hopes of getting some moral support, thanks!

That's terrible news, and as a cancer survivor I can only say I'm really pulling for you.  A few thoughts:  are you sure you need surgery if you're not sure it's cancer?  Make sure your doctor is someone you're really comfortable with,so get a second opinion if you have any doubts.  Next, you can't always count on friends and loved ones.  The books say tell people so you'll have a good support group.  I told people and most of them seemed to be uncomfortable dealing with it, although after I'd survived many came to me for advice.  My wife was there the first day and the day I finished treatment, but in between she wasn't so great.  I had to get through it by myself, but emerged stronger for the experience and not bitter about the lack of support.  There are no ironclad rules on this, it's what you're comfortable with.  But I think you're right in telling "Kevin," but give him a chance to deal with it internally before making final judgment on his reaction.  Next, please be aggressive in your own treatment -- keep your spirits up, continue to exercise within whatever limits the doctor sets, do things to keep yourself cheerful, but realistic at the same time.  For me, the worst part was at the beginning, when I wasn't sure what treatment to choose (surgery or radiation) and whether I'd survive.  Once into the radiation, my morale improved -- the best supporters were the doctor and the technicians.  Use your time with them to talk to them as much as possible -- they'll really be pulling for you.  Anyway, back to Kevin -- you have a right to expect support from him, but try to be patient and let him work out the best way; be frank with him, don't be afraid to ask his support but don't whine.  Be tough, loving and strong and you'll come through.  It ain't easy, but you can find the strength within you to cope, and if Kevin loves you he will find a way to give you the support you want from him.  I'm sure everyone on this line is with you.

I'm guessing you will be flooded with moral support from this board.  Count me in as well.

My first advice is don't panic like we did.  I went thru this with my wife 2 years ago.  You hear the word "cancer" and just assume the worst.  Won't bore you with details, but modern medicine truly has come a long way.  She did end up having a mastectomy (by choice), but we're told the chances of re-occurence are slim, and my wife loves her new boob job.  We met many other breast cancer patients throughout the process.  All have excellent prognoses.

As to "Kevin" not talking about it:  That probably isn't emotionally healthy.  But I was just the opposite.  I was scared shitless, and obsessively talked about it.  The more we learned about successful treatments, and the more I realized that I was depressing my wife by constantly talking about it, I finally calmed down.

Dear sweet as sugar,

First of all, it's very nice that you have found your true passion, workwise. Let's hope that you continue enjoying what you do.

The fact that you also have met a wonderful man, and you are worried just as much about him as your condition is a different story. The physician has said that it's not cancer, so let's all rejoice on that one. I'm assuming you are talking about your breasts, but if it's other body parts, they are just as important!

As to if "Kevin" will or wont be able to handle this, well, that's the true test of how "wonderful" he is, no? If he really does love you, your illness will not push him away, it will bring him closer to you. Yes, some men don't say much, but instead, they are all action. Let's hope he's one of those. Only time and events will tell.

One thing you can do for yourself, if it's at all possible, is not worry so much about what Kevin thinks at the moment. What is important right now is for you not to add any additional stress to your life, because it will only make your condition worse. Also, how did your doctor know that you "have to have surgery," if she couldn't state an exact diagnosis?

Many times, it is indeed best to go and see a specialist. Sometimes, it's even better to get a second opinion. A former client of mine was all ready to get on the table to have a mastectomy, only to find out from the second specialist that they had misread her results! So try not to project into what your first doc surmised, and wait until you have seen the other physician.

If you feel that you can't handle the situation at the moment, I would suggest seeing a therapist or a counselor. Your doctor can probably refer you to someone who is trained to deal with crisis situations. Sometimes talking to friends is enough, but due to their special work circumstances, providers very often do not disclose their professional status to even close friends. This can create isolation when something difficult or emotionally sensitive happens. It would be good for you to get immediate emotional support beyond this board.  

And as far as Kevin goes, let's hope he will be there for you if you need him to be. You may be fearful of asking him to, only because you are worried about losing him. But that is the only way you will find out if he really does care for you. You are right, these are two emotionally stressful situations converging upon you right now. That is why it's so important to be able to talk about your feelings and not have them bottled up. Please see someone professional, even if it's just once.

My best wishes for you,
the Love Goddess

When I was quite young (just out of college) I had a girl friend whom I was head over heals about.  Then she had an bad ache in her armpits and it turned out to be leukemia.  For months I stayed by her side while she went through Chemo, etc.

What happened between us is that she "assumed" that she was no longer "good" for me, even though I very much loved her and wanted to stay by her side through all of this.  In the end she ordered me to go and not ever come back because she could not bear to "ruin" my life.

I didn't know what to think.  I was young and I moved on, but my point is, if you really love this guy, and he is a good guy who will see you through thick and thin, do not create a self-fulling prophesy and drive him away, as I was.

By the way, my girl friend did come through the disease just fine (last I hear about twenty years ago, anyways.)

As for support, we are always here and always listening.

But the fact remains I have a very large growth on my urethra. It will eventually close off my ability to urinate. These things are like ice burgs you can never tell whats below the surface. I think she was putting my mind at ease, when she said it probably wasn't cancer.

My mother died two years ago from cancer. Its was everywhere by the time they found it, and I lost her in three months. I am still devastated with her passing, she was my best friend.
Thank you for your support it is greatly appreciated, God bless!!
ps I will get a 2nd and a third oppinion!

As Rosh Hashanna (thr Jewish New Year) approaches...one of our traditions is to pary that one is inscribed in the book of life.  I will add a special prayer for you.

Hey Sugar.  

Good luck with the next set of opinions.  I hope things work out for the best.

It sounds like "Kevin" is still on that business trip.  Part of the quiet you're hearing from him might be not only him working to process everything but a frustration on his end because he isn't with you right now.  He might not be a talker in a crisis but, like LG suggested, a man of action; he might just want to hold you right now.

Please, just give him time; give him a chance.

Ecellent decision on 2nd and 3rd opinion. I'm pulling for you.

Ski

in younger women are mostly benign. The literature describes malignancies in a majority of older women, usually post-menopausal, in their 50s and beyond. Still, it is definitely anxiety-provoking not to know.

The tragedy of losing your mother so recently also seems very palpable to you. All the more reason for you to become affected by this turn of events. And all the more reason for you to get some qualified emotional support.

I hope things work out for you,
the Love Goddess

I am so sorry for this fearful jolt in your life and especially considering its coming on the heels of your mother's passing due to cancer. I'm not entirely certain how old you are as I didn't get a sense by your message, but your writing sems very mature so I assume you are not in your young 20's. However, I also assume you are not at an age where cancer would be an expected possibility.

Sugar, you cannot count on anyone but yourself and your physician right now. It's terribly unfortunate, but people process things, especially perceived tragedy, much differently. Right now you need to keep your spirits up and vow to yourself that you'll only think positively and not allow anything to stress you out. It's the best way to keep your immune system strong.

With regard to Kevin, I don't know how long you've known him because you haven't said, but as much as we'd like to believe we can count on our mates above all else, it's not always true. Now, I myself would insist on him being someone I could count on and if he couldn't be, he'd be out the door. The true test of a person's character isn't how they handle daily life, it's in how they handle and support those they supposedly love in a crisis. If he's backing off or ignoring you or skirting around the issue when you want to talk about it, I'd say he's not a very strong man and unfortunately, it's possible his feelings either don't match yours or aren't what you thought they were. But you don't have time to dwell on this. You need to keep good, positive people in your life, eat properly, exercise, sleep at least 8 hours a night and put yourself in the mental state you need to be in to fight this disease. Perhaps you could even find some groups to join either online or in person of people fighting cancer and those who've survived. Basically, do EVERYTHING you can to feel supported, loved, and not alone. I'm beyond willing to let you start with me.

Please wrap yourself in an imaginary blanket of self love and self-support and don't allow anyone into that blanket who isn't there to hold you and comfort you, love you and support you because you need unconditional love right now! Please feel free to get in touch with me if you ever need  anything. I'd be honored to be part of your support system regardless of the fact that we don't know one another personally.

Take care of and love yourself, Sweetie. This is an horrendous situation however, it is a very good excuse to make you the center of your existence and we don't often get to do that for ourselves.

Love and much support,

Andi Ryan
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Dear Sweet:  Your message I could not pass by.  The advice you have been given here is excellent:  first, see doctors until you have some degree of confidence in what you are told and believe you have a doctor who understands you. It is amazing how much they differ and how much their attitudes can make the difference.  Second, of course you and your illness, if you have it, comes first.  Always act for yourself; this is the time to treat yourself best.  Third -- the hardest part -- you should expect to find your frieds rearranging themselves in a different order than you would now put them.  A friend of mine who is very well known  and has many, many firends but who once spent months in the hospital recovering froma bad injury told me that he found that there were two kinds of friends -- those who visited him in the hospital and those who did not.  If you have cancer and have to spend a lot of time in treatment, you will find the same thing -- as I have found.  The consolation is that when it is all done you really know something about who is worth something and who isn't.  Finally, there have been tremendous improvements in the treatment of cancer in recent years.  Chemotherapy can, despite these improvements, be very difficult to go through -- but it ends. My very best wishes to you. Be strong; fear not.  Green Street