I met my regular provider about 3 months ago and since we first met, I have seen her at least once a week for 2-4 hour sessions at a time.  I don't believe in "love at first sight", but this is the closest thing to it.  I have found myself bringing her gifts, which I have never done before nor have I ever wanted to be with a provider for longer than one hour.

The strange thing is that we don't always have sex; sometimes we'll just lay there and hold each other, chat and give each other little "pecks" every now and then.  She is very intelligent and we love to talk.

I tried to break it off with her about three weeks ago when I told her my feelings.  Her response was "my life is too hectic for anything serious right now", but she also said she was disappointed I was no longer going to see her and that she wanted to continue seeing me.  I lasted all of about four days before scheduling another "date" with her.  Last week we had a minor issue that was resolved fairly quickly and afterwards she sent me an email telling me she was sorry and she hoped it wouldn't put a wedge between us.

Since I have been seeing her, she has gone UTR, but she does still see other guys, some of whom are regulars and have been seeing her a lot longer than I have.

As far as the “hectic” excuse, there is validity to that, as she is in school full time, has a semi full time job, has a three year old child and escorts.  I have tried to not contact her, but it just doesn’t work.  I even saw two other escorts to see if that would change anything.  The results were mixed; the first one was a complete failure mechanically on my part.  The second one was very cute and we had a great time, but I just kept thinking about my regular the whole time.  I keep trying to tell myself that she is a prostitute and I should run but I just can’t seem to.  

I am going through a divorce that is not related to her and have no children, but if my wife found out, “I’d be living in a van down by the river”.  I fully realize that payment is for time and companionship only and anything else that happens is a choice between two or more consenting adults, but sometimes that’s what I am paying her for!!  I could almost jokingly say that if we don’t start having more sex, I’m going to have to start seeing an escort. lol.  

I really don’t know what to do, the more I see her, the deeper I fall…

Somebody please slap back into reality!!!

Don't sacrifice your political convictions for the convenience of the hour...that's your official quote, Ted K,

I suspect that if someone is going to slap you out of your Chappaquiddick fawg, it won't be me or your fellow board members...it'll be the provider herself.

And blessed may she be, if she is true to her feelings. If not, well, then she'll bleed you dry, you'll lay crushed like Humpty Dumpty..and then rise, just like yer altah ego, and become a great statesman of those who lived through the Perilous Provider Plague.

My advice to you is this: don't see other escorts, it simply won't work. Nope. Keep seeing her exclusively. Of course, you know it's on her own terms, but just keep doing it...until you hit bottom and start floating back up again. Of course, I thought it was supposed to be Mary Jo  floating in the water, not you!

In all seriousness, however, you DO have a firm grip on the parameters of the situation. But going through a divorce makes us all vulnerable to all sorts of feelings. Regardless of who instigated the divorce, it's a loss of a relationship, and any such loss makes us run for emotional safety, no matter how illusory. And sex mixed with emotions just feels so good, doesn't it? Particularly if our regular relationship has been in the dumps for some time, no?

This fixation is in the middle of its most epidemic stage, both emotionally and certainly from a neurotransmitter point of view. You've got a serious bug, my friend. Three months - your dopamine receptors are screaming and jumping. The whole rollercoaster ride feels very good for your brain, and it's going to trick you over and over again, until habituation sets in.

Now, the boring reality, which may fall on deaf neurotransmitters, but here goes anyway: yep, she is a provider. It's her job to entice you to come back, over and over again. If she does her job a little too well AND her subject is emotionally vulnerable, this will be the annoying side effect. I say annoying for her, not for you. This means that she will actually have to invest some thought and effort into managing YOUR feelings in the relationship. That's extra work for her, and seeing that she's already warned you of her "hectic" situation, I doubt she's ready for a man in the middle of a divorce...a man who now is paying her for sex, but of course would turn into a non-paying boyfriend, if mutual love holds true and for real.

I'm assuming she's an independent; if you two were separated by a pimp or a madam, perhaps things would not have progressed in such an "intimate" and rapid fashion. And yes, of course she will want to continue seeing you...as long as you're paying.

Maybe you should ask her to be with you for free because she also likes you so much, and then see what she says. That one is always a good reality check. Kind of brings it back to the core issue - time and companionship for money.

Since you've been seeing her, she's gone UTR? Nice, she probably can afford it for the time being, what with you popping up the cash for up to four-hour sessions at a time. I don't mean to seem crass, but dear Ted, this is a BUSINESS, first and foremost. A FUCKING business.

My other advice to you is to talk things over with a good therapist or counselor. I suspect there are other issues making you emotionally vulnerable as well. It needn't be a long-term commitment, but heck, some of those provider dollars could go toward your mental well-being while going through a tough time. Focusing some of those caretaking and loving emotions toward yourself and learning how to be good and kind to yourself, purely on your own, is a skill which is indispensable in situations like these.

Splitting up is tough. Seeing a provider for some fun shouldn't be.

Haven't you suffered enough Kennedy curses,
the Love Goddess

As a provider (TS) perhaps I can offer some thoughts on your dilema.  First of all, giving gifts to a girl shows you are a nice gent.  Keep it up honey.

It's not unusual when you date someone frequently for the relationship to change from that of provider/client to one of friendship, where sex becomes just another aspect of the relationship.  I date a couple of guys who profess to "love" me but we don't always end up in bed.  Sometimes they just want to relax, have a beer and watch tv while getting a foot rub and some pampering.  Obviously I have affection for these guys and consider them friends. But would I move in with them, no.

When you explained your feelings to your provider you tread on tricky ground.  Most escorts are in this for one thing, and while they want you to enjoy your time with them when your times up they have things to do.  To expect or hope for more is setting yourself up for a fall. The "Pretty Woman" outcome is few and far between and rarely successful.

It sounds like your provider is trying to work her way out of the business.  She apparently has some kind of previous recent relationship, hence the 3 yr old  She is probably doing what she does for her child. She may not be ready or capable of involvement in a non-professional arrangement.

Have you asked her about her goals and dreams for the future?  What are you offering her?  A good escort can make well over 6 figures. Can you compete financially?  This is a major stumbling block to a LTR with most providers. The guy wants the girl to quit and be his exclusive lover, but he makes in a month about what she makes in a day.

It's oftentimes difficult for escorts to engage in successful "normal" relationships outside or after the business.  Escorting causes many girls to have an emotional detachment that can interfere with post escorting love relations.

The fantasy of living happily ever after with your provider is nice, but in reality it's highly unlikely.  But there's nothing keeping you from enjoying yourself until your divorce is settled and you do find Ms. Right. That's what escorts are here for!

Best,
TS Jamie

-- Modified on 2/26/2007 2:18:16 AM

I'm off to a meeting... I'm chairman of the Senate ethics committee you know.

I hate to say this, but sometimes I think providers - in addition to playing to the moment very well (as we all know) - play beyond the moment as well.  And if you think about it, it's in their interest to do so.  What I mean is I think providers tend to play us all the same.  That is, we tend to think with our little heads (the grey matter between our legs) - and they take advantage of it.  It's all part of the allure of the event - and if you're not careful it's like heroin.

While I do not have the credentials of our esteemed LG, I am a part of the brotherhood.  I say, quite frankly, she's fucking with your head (both of them).  Remember, the escorting business is a stage, and as soon as the curtain drops, she regains her civie life.  You should too.

Sooner or later you'll figure it out.  Hopefully when you do, it'll be on your terms not hers.  In the meantime, I say move on, dude.  There's way too many fish in the ocean...

LDU

Ask her if she'll see you minus the $$$.  When she says no, seek out a good therapist.  This is a NSA, Fuck-for-Bucks enterprise that works just fine as long as one can see it for what it is.

-- Modified on 2/26/2007 9:40:40 PM

if you're going to continue this relationship Ted.  Run while you STILL have a part of the Kennedy money. Run!

Thank you Love Goddess for your response, I too have fallen for my massage threapist over the last three years, most difficult thing in my life to stop seeing her but I had to get my feelings under control, I am still struggling, hoping my scars will quickly heal.  I am a married older guy who's wife has limited sexually response and abilities due to prior health problem.  I have never had feelings for a woman like I have now, I hope that I will be able to start seeing her again, what do you advise?  Is she just using me, she was quite friendly and we had a lot in common I thought, however she pulled back as I became more enthralled with her, said she had gone to far with me.  The last time I saw her her parting words were "I love you too, now git out of here".  What do you think? Thanks in advance.

It's a long story, but how could something hurt so much yet feel so good?
The biggest drawback about this hobby is the feeling of isolation.

-- Modified on 3/6/2007 1:37:56 PM

Dopamine swings, Teddy Boy,

Yes, it's a simple as that. If you do a search on this board for the word "dopamine," you'll find it in many of my replies. That darn neurotransmitter is responsible for most of the 'sturm und drang' in our love relationships. Luckily, the swings level out after a certain time. If you stay away from your lust/love object for some time, I guarantee you will stop hurting. Time is a wonderful healer, and luckily so. Of course, if you want to keep running back to that dopamine "crackpipe," you will be doomed until you hit bottom. And that's another way to manage the "hurts so good" feelings of doomed lust/love.

As to the isolation, please try to buddy up with one of our wonderful posting members of this very Erotic Highway. We have some incredibly lucid, intelligent and well-intentioned men who truly aim to help. I want to single out this particular board, because I've seen the exchanges on some of the other TER forums, and it ain't pretty. But we aim to keep it safe and sane here.

So, with my blessing, please check out some of the threads and then PM one of the guys. You can even say that LG told you to do it. I feel very confident that they will help you break the isolation you currently find yourself in.

Another avenue would actually be to get some counseling. If you tell me what city/state you live in, perhaps I can make a referral. No one should suffer in silence!

Take heart, Senator,
the Love Goddess

Dear rocknut,

I think the message your massage therapist gave you is loud and clear: "I love you too, now git out of here." Please heed this advice. Do not go back, lest you complicate things for yourself again. You are still "struggling" and "hoping" the scars will quickly heal;" going back to her will tear them up again.

She may or may not be an escort, but likewise, she is providing a service for money. I don't think she is using you, unless you are spending a lot of money on her off the clock; still, you are her client and not her boyfriend. If she permitted herself to fall for every client she came in contact with, she would become a basketcase very soon thereafter. So, it stands to reason that this woman has boundaries, and rightly so.

My hunch is that you were psychologically primed and ready to fall for someone who showed you physical attention, since it has been lacking in your life. That things went on for three years perhaps shows that the massage therapist's boundaries were not so intact after all. I don't know how far you went sexually, or if that is part of her "service menu." If it is not, then I think she acted irresponsibly and in some way took advantage of her power position. Imagine if I toyed with my male therapy clients in this way! Now it does happen that my male clients develop an erotic transference toward me. They do so because they are in a vulnerable state. Therefore, it is my responsibility to make them aware of this, to verbalize and bring out the transference in the open, 'detoxify it,' and help them realize why it's happening. Once they are able to master their feelings, my clients go on to become very effective in directing feelings of love and affection toward more productive ends and toward more appropriate individuals.

So, my advice concurs with hers. In the end, she told you what you should do. As to the "I love you too," well, I'm not 100% sure of what that means. Regardless of that comment, please listen to the second part of the sentence, no matter how painful. Unless you are prepared to leave your wife - not because of the massage therapist, but because you genuinely feel that you've exhausted your options in your marriage - I wouldn't invest any more feelings in that relationship.

Tough, but I do care,
the Love Goddess

Thank you Love Goddess, your reply reinforces the conclusions that I have reached since I first Emailed you.  Now that I have found this site it has opened opportunites for me to shift my attention otherwise that I did not know existed.  Sex is not normally part of her service menu, and she said she went too far with me.  As far as my wife, who I wouldn't hurt for the world, we have discussed my unhappiness with her limited sexual response (I realize her medical conditions have reduced her libido) and she agreed to my seeing other women as long as she knows nothing about it, she never questions me.  What a woman.  
It is hard to give up a great massage threapist, she is the best I have ever experienced.
Thank you again for your honest evaluation of my problem.