Dear LG,

I truly enjoy the hobby and I'm not sure this is the right place to post, but your insight into human relations and life in general have been invaluable.  So here goes . . .

This is aimed at providers, but applies to hobbyists, too.  I've been trying to see a provider for a couple of weeks, a wonderful person, timing has just been off.  Part of the reason was a family issue of hers (no need to specify), but in the course of our e-mails I noted a plaintive voice saying that it's difficult having a double life sometimes . . .

Hobbyists, of course, have double lives, but only to a limited degree - our primary existence is that of a civvie, that's how we spend most of our waking hours (unless, of course one is very lucky, healthy and wealthy!!!).

Providers, however, truly do have double lives, their economic identity requires a much greater time (and emotional) commitment to what we call the Hobby.  More over, providers are giving of themselves in a most intimate way, much greater than any of we hobbyists c an imagine.

At any rate, the point or question of this ramble is how do providers - please, any of you respond - handle the wear and tear on your emotions when both worlds try to tear you apart?

Rockmeat

Hi rockmeat,

We've had quite a few threads on the subject. I would suggest you do a search on the words 'provider compartmentalize' and go back about 700 days.

In the meantime, here's a neat little thread,
Love Goddess

Hi again rockmeat,

More threads...

Enjoy,
the Love Goddess

You make some interesting observations, and I imagine Love Goddess may have some interesting thoughts on your quandry. But let me make a few comments, based on my own experiences - which are admittedly unusual in this "little world of ours."

As some regualar readers here know, I was "involved" for about 2.5 years with a well-known escort, now deceased. Involved is actually an understatement - for the time that it lasted, she was the love of my life and I the love of hers. She and I spent more waking hours together than most married couples. Yet, I was and still am married, and I have for about 5 years now led a totally "double life."

While your generalizations regarding the double lives of hobbyists and providers are generally true, they are not universally true. There are exceptions.

On the hobbyist side, I am certainly one. While I am not sure that I am "very lucky, healthy and wealthy," I do spend more waking hours as "Hyabby" than I do in my "other" life. Just the way that my existance seems to have worked out lately. In many ways, my life in the hobby seems more "real" to me than my other life.

As for providers, there are quite a few who I know very, very well - which is to say, I know many details about their personal lives and their true feelings and emotions. And while most providers do lead a double life, there are a few who do not - their families and friends know of their professional lives - they may not always approve, but they know, so there is no need for secrecy or deception. My Miki was one of those, which I suppose is why our relationoship worked as it did. But she was not totally unique. (Well, in some ways she was - but I digress ...)

I also understand, from personal experience, what you refer to by emotions trying to tear both worlds apart. Since I do lead that double life, I went through hell trying to keep my emotions hidden from my "real" life during that horrible week that Miki was in the hospital slowly dying, and in the few weeks immediately after her death. It was hell, and I am still amazed that I was able to "pull it off" and not unconsciously reveal things which would have caused a major upheaval in my "real" life.

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Hmmmm, looks like Love Goddess added her comments while I was typing the above. (So, LG, does this mean great minds think alike? LOL)

Since she added some links to past threads here on the Erotic Highway, I will add one - to a few more details of my life with Miki - and its emotional aspects.

Thank you, LG, for your advice back then. It has been working - at least as well as can be expected.



-- Modified on 6/14/2008 10:46:40 AM

-- Modified on 6/14/2008 9:50:25 AM

I have a provider-friend who was getting ready for a big 24-hour appointment this morning, and she told me that she was feeling down. That while a client may want a "real" GFE, one who wasn't in a good mood was probably a little too real. So she had to shake herself out of it and prepare to throw up a fake smile and possibly even have sex that she wasn't really interested in.

The expectations for a streetwalker are rather low (I would assume!) but for high-class escorts a client isn't interested in paying for the companionship of a woman who is having a bad day, distracted, or just not in the mood. So to provide that GFE she might have to put on a game face and hope that the day and her mood both improve.

While you're talking about a different side of things, that really struck me this morning. Having to adopt a "GFE" personality even on an off-day is certainly part of the double-life.

Anyone have a take on this?

I agree it's very difficult to "act" GFE. At least on an extended date.  I have a standing agreement with my two UTR favorite ladies. If either of them just don't feel like keeping an appointment with me they can cancel anytime, even the morning of. It's taken me years to figure out what I enjoy most about the hobby and the type of woman that I enjoy spending time and money on. I always have a great time with my low-volume ladies but a huge part of that is predicated on their willing participation. The sex is great but the laughter and the time spent chatting, going to dinner and just being together is what makes the date really special.  If they are willing to give up the financial aspect of the evening because, for whatever reason, their real world lives have put them in the wrong state of mind, who am I to argue? I am friends with both of them and I know there will always be a next time.  The anticipation will make it that much better!

I agree with Boston Guy.  I love spending time with a provider who is enjoying my company as I am enjoying hers.  I have a standing deal with my regulars that a cancellation is always respected for the reasons outlined by Boston Guy. I also like to see new ladies.  It is not possible to establish the "cancel if you don't feel like it" rule. This is one reason I really hesitate to give a poor review unless someone is a total rip off, has bad hygiene, etc.  (This has never happened to me, incidentally.)  If a well reviewed lady is flat with me (this, of course has happened to me), I figure she is having a bad day or maybe finds me unattractive.  I hate to ruin her reputation for this so I don't.

After my friend left on her long appointment, I sent her an e-mail letting her know that I appreciated the level of emotional honesty that we have with each other and told her it was always okay with me if she wanted to cancel an appointment when she just wasn't in the mood. Like you I'm much more interested in having a good time with a real woman who's enjoying herself rather than have some artificial fantasy played out while she's internally thinking about problems in her "real" life.

Everyone has to work on days where they really don't feel like it, but having to spend lots of time as an intimate companion might be especially challenging sometimes. I feel for all the ladies out there who have to deal with this from time to time.

there are times when a date with an old friend is just what i need to help get me through those funky days. it's a welcome distraction from whatever life issue i'm dealing with at the moment...giving me something else to focus on and absorb myself with. and being able to provide pleasure and enjoyment to someone else, lifting up their day, lifts my spirits as well and can leave me rejuvenated and motivated to get through my own stuff.

now if i was going through something really emotionally trying in my personal life, and was sunk deep into a depression or something of that nature, then of course i would cancel any upcoming appointments and make myself unavailable until further notice. but as of yet that hasn't happened to me, i just have the normal "in a funk" sort of days like we all do, and for me this hobby helps bring me out of it more often than not.

Because they don't.  At least for me.  I'm pretty low volume, so I don't burn out.  I think that's why we charge what we charge.. because it's a personal job.  I charge what I'm comfortable working at, so I don't have much complaints.  I just separate things, even after the horrible Lakers loss..  Seriously though, I have pretty simple and low key social life (at least while I'm in this business), so things are under control.  I know some ladies have a family - married, kids - so I don't know how they do it.  This is definitely not for emotionally unstable person for sure.

The other thing is a lot of ladies do incall, some of them in their own house I imagine.  I do outcall.  My house is my personal space.  I think that works even better for me to keep things separate and to protect my boundary.

It is their personal life that requires the higher maintenance. Escorting is a job. If a lady does it right she has total control over the situations that she puts herself into. The most successful ladies I have known avoid drama in the business as much as possible.

to only lead one life.

Everyone has some Walter Mitty in them somewhere.

LG and all,

thanks for the insights you've given - I thoroughly agree Bostonguy and those who understand that even in the "double life", we are all real, flesh and blood people.  I think most hobbyists would prefer that a provider cancel if the other life has intruded too much - and I've found that "rescheduled sex" can be similar to "make-up sex" after a fight with one's civvie SO.

And to all you women who give your time and selves to us lucky hobbyists, THANK YOU!

Well, to be honest, as a provider, I truly enjoy the hobby too... that's part of why I pursued a place within it.

You're right, though.  It gets so exhausting, having to wear two faces.  I keep a regular, Monday through Friday job apart from providing, in human services.. and I always get stellar reviews on my work with others; I often wonder how they'd feel about me if they knew my secret.  My primary boyfriend, 1 online friend, 1 meatspace friend (who I never see anymore so she's basically another Internet friend), and my clients are the only ones who know.  I feel guilty -- I feel like, though I'm trying to be as safe as I can, I am potentially jeopardizing the health of my secondary boyfriend.  And I worry... I worry about getting caught, and having my little boy taken away from me; about not being able to support my family any more because of my occupation.

Honestly, the easiest thing is for me to do is to compartmentalize those two lives; the two are almost detached, dissociated (which sounds unhealthy, but curiously, I'm emotionally in the best state I've ever been in ... I feel as if I am truly living in each moment as it comes).  I don't think about providing when I'm at work, or when I'm home cooking dinner and desperately trying to prevent my toddler from killing himself... and I tend not to think about that side of my life when I'm with a client.  All I can do is take a deep breath and find comfort in the fact that my life, with its turmoil and mistakes, in the loooonnng run, will be insignificant -- which sounds pessimistic but really brings me pleasure.

Hunh.  I dunno if that was really what you were looking for.

There is a nobility to many women I know and particularly to the three or four providers with whom I have been friends (never a client to those ladies, but to others, of course)for many years (decades on reflection). You exhibit this nobility: reading your note, it is full of concern for the safety of your boyfriend, for effects on your ability to parent your son, or your ability to provide for your family.  I didn't hear a word of self interest or self pity.  That is the nobility I have seen.  I have felt such a connection to some of the providers I have been lucky enough to meet.  Each of the best of them are bright, sensitive, perceptive, independent and comfortable with who they are, and into their profession. Your clients, boyfriend, and son are lucky for their relationship with you.