I have an event to attend this weekend. It’s one of those situations where I won’t know many people. It’s a day trip. Leave in the morning and then return in the late evening. It sounded like a good opportunity to take an SB I’ve seen a few times over the last couple of weeks. Prior to our initial meeting, we discussed an arrangement and made our agreement. There was never any talk of time periods or hourly limits. She gave me raved reviews on my talents and well, she can do things…things that I really, really like. We seemed to have a really good thing going.

So, I propose the idea to this latest SB I thought we could drive out, do the event, and then depending on how things go, come back to my place and create a little event of our own. (smile)

She says it sounds fun. We discuss when we’ll leave and when we will possibly return. I tell her what the dress code is and we create our backstory in case anyone asks. All was set and we went our merry ways…and then things got weird.

She texts me shortly after our conversation and tells me that our original arrangement will not be satisfactory. I call her to talk about it. I listen and she goes into this whole thing about time and money and this and that. BTW, she is furloughed, not employed making a fraction of her salary so she is literally going to a party, on a weekend, with someone paying for everything and getting her arranged amount. So, she says she can do it for double what our arrangement is. I said I was a little shocked and that this was unexpected. She said that she can’t go otherwise.

Not one to argue or waste time, I say, “I thought we had an agreement. I’m disappointed that you decided to change our arrangement. I hope you will reconsider and I hope you have a good weekend.”

Looks like I’m going stag unless she changes her mind or I can create a miracle.

So…was I wrong? Right? What say you, oh sages of the sugar bowl?

-- Modified on 9/2/2020 1:56:33 PM

-- Modified on 9/2/2020 5:28:06 PM

If I was in her position, I wouldn't risk an income stream loss on a double or nothing bet.  But it wouldn't be the first time some dame's pride came ahead of her debt accumulation.

When I negotiate a new arrangement I always prefer to include some level of understanding about future day-long trips/events and overnight or longer travel.  Generally I make a point of saying something like "I will always cover all expenses when we are together, including travel costs like airfare and hotels and food and entertainment. You can literally bring no cash and you will want for nothing. But DO bring cash for safety." Then I move along to talking about a typical date (3-6 hours), what it includes (BCD and other stuff) and allowance for a date.  Assuming that goes well, after a few dates I might mention something about setting up a travel date for some event or purpose like wine tasting, or visiting a new location.  It's important to carefully listen to and think about her responses to those mentions, as that will be an indicator of her interest.  

 

If it's something she really wants to do, she will generally be happy to go and get her allowance for each day on the road (for short trips). If it's a longer trip and she agrees she wants to go, then I ask her something like "what will you need to be able to spend x days with me?"  Note that paying your regular day-rate allowance for an extended trip may not be practical (i.e.: $400 allowance x 10 days = $4000!). So I try to get her to think about her out of pocket expense for being with me. For example, she may lose $100-500 from income she can't earn while with you. It makes NO difference where that income comes from - payroll, other SD's, or donating blood. The idea is to make going with you a no-out-of-pocket cost, PLUS some tasty allowance from Daddy, instead of "I need your daily rate to travel with me."  Sell her on the idea that she's getting a free (plus benefits) 1st class trip to ________. Isn't that cool that Daddy can take you somewhere you can't easily go on your own?

 

Now if she's really not interested in going, because she's perhaps not interested in just being your arm candy in a room full of old farts, then you probably shouldn't even offer.  As soon as you make it a burden (I have to) rather than a gift (I get to), she's going to look for additional incentive to go.    

 
There are too many variables and unknowns for me to say why she felt she needed 2x her regular allowance.  But I  
guess she's just not that interested in going on this trip as outlined by you.   Maybe if there is something alluring to her in that location you can tempt her with a SB perk; here's $400 to go shopping at______, or I set up a 4 hour spa day for you at the famous _____ spa, or after the event, we can go to ____ 3-Michelin star restaurant, etc.).  But it's probably too late now. So start setting up now for some future event... because...

 
Life is good

 
The Cat

There’s lots of variables in this one and it really depends on the basic understanding of your relationship with her. I will generally only travel with the #1 in my rotation. Fun evenings together are one thing but if we are going to go away together for a few days, we have to be very close and have a well established relationship. For me, my current #1 and my past #1’s have generally been on an allowance and we will have openly discussed the ground rules for the trip (my current #1 forgoes any allowance that month if we go on a trip..her idea, not mine).  I always cover everything, hotel, airfare, food, fun events, etc, but generally don’t pay anything beyond what I typically do for the pre-established allowance. They generally recognize that you are going to be dropping a good amount of cash so there isn’t an expectation of anything additional. I always like to surprise her with something (spa day, shopping, etc) as a nice surprise but it’s meant to be a surprise gift, not an expectation.  I will generally plan everything well in advance and will also include her on the planning so that she has some items on the agenda that she exclusively picked and is excited about the trip. The key to all of this is that we have already talked about it well upfront so the expectations are set and we avoid any mis-understandings, etc.  

apparently.

 
It is not easy to be "on" for extended periods of time.  I think she feels that way and that's why she sees her time as not some kind of relaxing lark, but an extended tour of duty

 
Does she mean much to you?   If not, go stag and make the most of it.   If she does, and it isn't too much of a financial hardship, pay her what she asks.

 
At least you have the upper hand right now.

Sounds to me like she has the upper hand.
I suspect she's calculated that her 'arm candy' rate is much higher than her BCD rate.
Seems a little unfair, otoh, she's gotta laugh at all the old guy's jokes and in general, just put up with them.
Me: I'd pay her to come but would start looking around for a arm candy replacement for future events.
It's only money, and you can afford it, so why not?

is that he is totally fine with going stag to the affair.   In other words, it's no big deal to him.

He does seem resigned to it, but I would hardly say by his tone that he is fine with it.

 
I don't think he has the upper hand right now, but I am willing to bet after he makes a few changes after this, he will keep the upper hand in the future.

I am honestly fine with not taking anyone. It was a nice idea but I really have no issue with attending events by myself.
I was thinking maybe this nice young woman would enjoy a well designed, event with good food, drink, and fellowship on my dime...and I could get my knob polished at the end of the day.

But now I get it, in the future be clear, ask up front, and as much as an SB says it's not a business, it's a business.  It's like when you go to an all-inclusive resort...but actually not everything is inclusive.

If she needs money, which she seems like she does based on your message, that may explain her ask. If she means that much to you, consider giving her what she wants. If you are close and at risk of getting closer, it might pay off in the long term.

We can look at the glass half-full. At least you found out well ahead of time. I've had a couple of cases when the reaction was yes yes yes, it'll be so much fun. I'm so excited. And then at the last minute grandma died or the dog had to go to the vet leaving me no time to find a substitute

Maybe she had other options for that weekend or that she had wanted to see how deeply she could rely on you in the coming months; maybe she was interested in whether your $ ability to double is available at all? She could be weighing all her options for the weekend/with friends/family/her other part time boyfriends/SD’s?